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Adult daughter stole entire life savings
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<blockquote data-quote="jeanne in CA" data-source="post: 628912" data-attributes="member: 18036"><p>COM- I have to admit is am in a different place right now in terms of loving our daughter. Maybe I do but I can't feel it. I think I would find it easier if she were in the throws of some sort of addiction, but she is not. The fact that your son has never apologized to you is really sad but I would like to think that at some point he will. As for me, an apology from my daughter would not come close for the simple reason she cannot be believed. As for compassion, at this point I feel more compassion for your son than I do for her because by your own admisssion he can be sweet, kind, and loving. I cannot say the same for my daughter. Of course she had many many time where she projected those qualities but I now know they were simply the means to an end. Ultimately, I reserve most of my compassion for the parents who have tried so hard. At this point I cannot envision ever having a relationship with her because I can never envision trusting her. </p><p> </p><p>Witzend- That is a perfect example of the kind of tricks our daughter was so proficcient at. It is at once so humilliating that you just want to die of embarrassment. I read your post and felt the embarrassment for you!</p><p> </p><p>Pasajes4-I am sure it was awful seeing your son encarcerated but I totally understand the relief in knowing that far enough away that you are not plagued with guilt about not visiting often. It must be so difficult. We are noways near there yet given the length of time our case is taking. </p><p> </p><p>As for her husband, he is a cop of all things. As far as we know he has had no involvement at all in her transgressions. If and when she is sent away, we hope he will allow us to help him with the children. If not, I can't bear to think about it. I have no doubt she has spun an unbelieveable tale to him about how awful we are and how if he attempts to contact us she will leave him. His world will absolutely crash to the ground once this all comes out. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I realize now that I saw her through a haze of love, not as who she really was, but as a mirage. Watching her interact with family and friends, and with those who seemed to be persecuting us with their errors and incompetence, I assumed she was the remarkable person that her actions implied. I projected onto her qualities he didn’t possess, qualities that only appeared to emanate from deep inside as a result of what we taught her as we raised her. She was fully aware of how much we loved her and used her skills in deception and trickery to obscure the reality of who she was. We thought we saw the truth about her when it was really only a reflection of what she projected. Here are a few examples:</p><p> </p><p><strong> The Gaslighting Game</strong>- She frequently told me I was losing my senses. For example, if my checkbook was not where I thought I left it, she claimed it had obviously never been there. If I followed up on something she told me about, she would claim she had never told me that. If I said I was missing a check from my checkbook she said I probably had ripped it out myself and didn’t realize it. Any time I would say I was simply overwhelmed with all the problems everywhere, she would tell me, “You are losing your mind and driving me crazy with you!” In March of last year when I was driving her and the baby to the PAt to return to CA, I told her I was so discouraged with the continual inability to get anything resolved anywhere, she rolled her eyes and said, “Oh my heavens, I am so sick of your drama.” At one point I even told her I felt like someone was gaslighting me. She said she had no idea what that was so I explained it to her. She said, “Well, obviously that’s not true.”</p><p><strong> The “You need cash? I can get you cash” game.</strong> I would sometimes need cash just to have a few dollars in my wallet in case of emergencies. She was always so accommodating. She would give me the cash and I would then write her a check to repay her. It seemed odd that my bank never bounced my checks to her but when I mentioned it, she said, “Well, after all this time, they know all about the problems with your account, so I always ask for the same banker and they cash the check right away.” After I discovered the identity theft I learned that indeed a few of the checks I wrote her did bounce, but it was because she had already emptied out the account by that time.</p><p><strong>The shower curtain</strong>- One afternoon shortly before Thanksgiving she and I were out with the baby and she was shopping for stuff for the house. I was describing to her about her dad’s recent cleaning frenzy in the downstairs bathroom and the fact that he had even thrown out the shower curtain. I told her the bathroom looked great but until I got my bank account straightened out I couldn’t even buy a new shower curtain. She looked at me with total exasperation and said, “Oh, for heaven’s sake, I will buy you a shower curtain!” I replied, “You absolutely will not. Things are bad enough, but I have not gotten to the point where I will have my own child buy me a shower curtain.” Once I discovered and put an end to the identity theft, I immediately went out and bought a shower curtain.</p><p><strong>Lunches out</strong>- Often times when we were together in her town we would take the baby and go out for lunch. I looked forward to that a lot. Many times she would insist on paying. I hated that. It made me feel like a freeloader. I always argued that I wanted to pay for my own lunch even as I did the mental calculations of whether or not I had enough cash to do that. I knew I never had enough to pay for both lunches, but felt strongly I should at least pay for my own. I would argue that I didn’t come all the way out to Roseville so she could both help me with some of these messes and then even pay for my lunch. Her counter argument was that it had already cost me gas money to drive out there and I always helped her with things too. She usually won. Of course, I didn’t know at the time that the money she used to pay for our lunches was actually mine. </p><p> </p><p><strong>My daughter, the latte girl</strong>- every afternoon when we were together she insisted on stopping at Starbucks. I like Starbucks but could not understand her addiction. The drinks are expensive and she typically only drank half of what she ordered anyhow. Inevitably she would ask me if I wanted anything. Inevitably I would tell her no. For one thing, I had no money. For another, if she had already paid for lunch, I was determined not to feel even more like a freeloader by having her buy me a four-dollar grande, non-fat double caramel latte or whatever. Regardless of what I said, she would order me a drink. I would drink mine down to the last drop. She would drink part of hers and leave the rest in the cup holder of the car until she or her husband had to throw it out the next day. Even her husband complained that he didn’t understand why she would buy a drink and then waste half of it. Once I managed to obtain all my bank statements, I could see that I had been paying for the Starbucks.</p><p>Like I said, she had a very extensive bag of tricks. The psychiatrist I am consulting with says often these types of personalities are very resistent to change because the person feels there is absolutely nothing that needs changing. A very discouraging thought indeed. </p><p> </p><p>Thanks for listening.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="jeanne in CA, post: 628912, member: 18036"] COM- I have to admit is am in a different place right now in terms of loving our daughter. Maybe I do but I can't feel it. I think I would find it easier if she were in the throws of some sort of addiction, but she is not. The fact that your son has never apologized to you is really sad but I would like to think that at some point he will. As for me, an apology from my daughter would not come close for the simple reason she cannot be believed. As for compassion, at this point I feel more compassion for your son than I do for her because by your own admisssion he can be sweet, kind, and loving. I cannot say the same for my daughter. Of course she had many many time where she projected those qualities but I now know they were simply the means to an end. Ultimately, I reserve most of my compassion for the parents who have tried so hard. At this point I cannot envision ever having a relationship with her because I can never envision trusting her. Witzend- That is a perfect example of the kind of tricks our daughter was so proficcient at. It is at once so humilliating that you just want to die of embarrassment. I read your post and felt the embarrassment for you! Pasajes4-I am sure it was awful seeing your son encarcerated but I totally understand the relief in knowing that far enough away that you are not plagued with guilt about not visiting often. It must be so difficult. We are noways near there yet given the length of time our case is taking. As for her husband, he is a cop of all things. As far as we know he has had no involvement at all in her transgressions. If and when she is sent away, we hope he will allow us to help him with the children. If not, I can't bear to think about it. I have no doubt she has spun an unbelieveable tale to him about how awful we are and how if he attempts to contact us she will leave him. His world will absolutely crash to the ground once this all comes out. I realize now that I saw her through a haze of love, not as who she really was, but as a mirage. Watching her interact with family and friends, and with those who seemed to be persecuting us with their errors and incompetence, I assumed she was the remarkable person that her actions implied. I projected onto her qualities he didn’t possess, qualities that only appeared to emanate from deep inside as a result of what we taught her as we raised her. She was fully aware of how much we loved her and used her skills in deception and trickery to obscure the reality of who she was. We thought we saw the truth about her when it was really only a reflection of what she projected. Here are a few examples: [B] The Gaslighting Game[/B]- She frequently told me I was losing my senses. For example, if my checkbook was not where I thought I left it, she claimed it had obviously never been there. If I followed up on something she told me about, she would claim she had never told me that. If I said I was missing a check from my checkbook she said I probably had ripped it out myself and didn’t realize it. Any time I would say I was simply overwhelmed with all the problems everywhere, she would tell me, “You are losing your mind and driving me crazy with you!” In March of last year when I was driving her and the baby to the PAt to return to CA, I told her I was so discouraged with the continual inability to get anything resolved anywhere, she rolled her eyes and said, “Oh my heavens, I am so sick of your drama.” At one point I even told her I felt like someone was gaslighting me. She said she had no idea what that was so I explained it to her. She said, “Well, obviously that’s not true.” [B] The “You need cash? I can get you cash” game.[/B] I would sometimes need cash just to have a few dollars in my wallet in case of emergencies. She was always so accommodating. She would give me the cash and I would then write her a check to repay her. It seemed odd that my bank never bounced my checks to her but when I mentioned it, she said, “Well, after all this time, they know all about the problems with your account, so I always ask for the same banker and they cash the check right away.” After I discovered the identity theft I learned that indeed a few of the checks I wrote her did bounce, but it was because she had already emptied out the account by that time. [B]The shower curtain[/B]- One afternoon shortly before Thanksgiving she and I were out with the baby and she was shopping for stuff for the house. I was describing to her about her dad’s recent cleaning frenzy in the downstairs bathroom and the fact that he had even thrown out the shower curtain. I told her the bathroom looked great but until I got my bank account straightened out I couldn’t even buy a new shower curtain. She looked at me with total exasperation and said, “Oh, for heaven’s sake, I will buy you a shower curtain!” I replied, “You absolutely will not. Things are bad enough, but I have not gotten to the point where I will have my own child buy me a shower curtain.” Once I discovered and put an end to the identity theft, I immediately went out and bought a shower curtain. [B]Lunches out[/B]- Often times when we were together in her town we would take the baby and go out for lunch. I looked forward to that a lot. Many times she would insist on paying. I hated that. It made me feel like a freeloader. I always argued that I wanted to pay for my own lunch even as I did the mental calculations of whether or not I had enough cash to do that. I knew I never had enough to pay for both lunches, but felt strongly I should at least pay for my own. I would argue that I didn’t come all the way out to Roseville so she could both help me with some of these messes and then even pay for my lunch. Her counter argument was that it had already cost me gas money to drive out there and I always helped her with things too. She usually won. Of course, I didn’t know at the time that the money she used to pay for our lunches was actually mine. [B]My daughter, the latte girl[/B]- every afternoon when we were together she insisted on stopping at Starbucks. I like Starbucks but could not understand her addiction. The drinks are expensive and she typically only drank half of what she ordered anyhow. Inevitably she would ask me if I wanted anything. Inevitably I would tell her no. For one thing, I had no money. For another, if she had already paid for lunch, I was determined not to feel even more like a freeloader by having her buy me a four-dollar grande, non-fat double caramel latte or whatever. Regardless of what I said, she would order me a drink. I would drink mine down to the last drop. She would drink part of hers and leave the rest in the cup holder of the car until she or her husband had to throw it out the next day. Even her husband complained that he didn’t understand why she would buy a drink and then waste half of it. Once I managed to obtain all my bank statements, I could see that I had been paying for the Starbucks. Like I said, she had a very extensive bag of tricks. The psychiatrist I am consulting with says often these types of personalities are very resistent to change because the person feels there is absolutely nothing that needs changing. A very discouraging thought indeed. Thanks for listening. [/QUOTE]
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