My husband and I have had very different reactions to this entire mess.
Hi Jeanne, and welcome again. In studying the stages of grief, I have had some insights about the role of denial and how it protects us from that pain which is too much to bear, right now.
When my son started going down his bad road, my ex-husband, his dad, could not stop enabling. He is in recovery himself and he felt tremendous guilt about our son's addiction. He took way too much responsibility for it. My son's dad was a good father, the best he could be at the time, and he in no way caused this. I have told him that and tried to affirm him over these past few years. Finally, he saw the physical evidence one day of our son's lies and that was when he was finally able to stop the denial and stop enabling. Our son was still living with his dad and his new wife, and when they were at work one day, he got all of his dad's collection of sports cards out and had his computer up looking at their values. The cards and computer were spread out all over the upstairs of their house. My son got arrested that day while I was there to pick him up to take him to get his car inspected. When the police officer handcuffed him, he emptied his pockets and one of the cards was in his pocket. I saw it. He begged the police officer to allow him to go back inside the house. He wanted to clean up the evidence before his dad saw it. That didn't happen, of course, so when they got home, they saw it all in full living color. That was the day his dad stopped.
Do you know that our son still denies taking those cards? Even after I saw one in his pocket. I saw it myself.
I had stopped enabling (for the most part) a couple of years before that, and it was hard to keep on saying No and working so hard, only to have someone else, his dad, keep giving and giving. But I couldn't control that either so I had to let it go.
The stages of grief are so predictable and so necessary. The thing about the pain we go through on this site is that it isn't final. Death is final, with no chance for change, and that is horrible too. But continuing to endure the endless cycles of yet one more thing they do and say is another kind of horror.
I have said, myself, that sometimes I think his death would be easier to bear. I know that is a horrible thing to say and in many ways I can't even know what I am talking about there, but at times, before I began the hard hard work on me, the pain and grief and distress were so enduring that I wondered about that.
There is no predicting next steps with adult kids like ours. They are thinking, thinking, thinking all the time about their next move. We don't operate like that. We can never be on pace with them or one step ahead of them. It is mind-boggling to begin to understand this and to see that the only preparation we can do is to accept what is
This idea is beyond One day at a time. It is looking full on into the face of our own children and seeing them for who they are---their actions---and saying, well okay. I get it.
And then, deciding what WE will do for US. Because that is the only path to peace and sanity and serenity. And one of my go-to tools is physical distance. Physical separation. I take my son, who I love so very much, in very small doses. Very small.
I can't imagine the full impact of what you have experienced with your daughter. To see her for who she is, plus to have lost your life savings, that is such a double whammy I don't even have words to describe the shock and empathy I am feeling for you right now.
No wonder your husband is in denial. And perhaps your way of dealing is to take action like you are doing.
Warm hugs for you, and please know that we accept you and him and her without judgment. We are interested here in listening, caring, and surviving the horrors. We are here for you.