Coping with addicted, homeless adult daughter

[Dad34]

I came across this website a couple of months ago when searching for how to cope with an addicted, homeless adult child. Reading your posts has helped me to realize I am not alone, and it has helped me to cope. Thank you to everyone who has posted. I had been reading Al Anon literature, primarily the One Day at a Time book, but this website is more on target with my situation. It’s sad how many of us find ourselves in this club where we never thought we would be or wanted to be. My heart goes out to you all, and I have prayed for you, especially those of you who whose children have died from their addictions.

My daughter is homeless and addicted to alcohol and drugs. Her problems began early. When she was in 5th or 6th grade, she ran away one day after school and the police had to be called to find her. She became extremely rebellious in her teenage years and by 18, she was becoming hateful and violent, and I had to ask (tell) her to leave the house. She and I were estranged for a while (maybe a year or so). It was complicated by the fact that her mother and I are divorced, and her mother is on-and-off regarding talking with me about our daughter’s situation. Our daughter blames much of her issues on the divorce, and I’m sure it was hard on her. But she was always cared for and loved by both of us (her parents).

Fast forward 16 years, and she has struggled with alcohol addiction and been in rehab at least five times. She also struggles with addiction to prescription drugs and used cocaine while in high school (I learned recently). Over the years I have received multiple calls from her in the middle of the night, mostly from various hospitals where she was being treated for drinking too much alcohol, but I have also received calls from law enforcement. I have made several trips to help her in her city (2 or 3 hours away, depending on where she lived at the time), often in the middle of the night, and have helped pay for her rehab several times. For a couple of years or so she was doing better and held down several decent jobs. But about 1 ½ years ago she had a major relapse that resulted in her losing her job, apartment, and eventually becoming homeless. She was drunk on the morning of my father’s funeral last year and couldn’t attend it. Her mother helped her get into rehab that same day, but she relapsed within days after leaving (she usually leaves rehab earlier than recommended). After that, I helped her get into another rehab facility, but she was kicked out within a couple of weeks for breaking the rules. That was about a year ago.

Sadly, I don’t know exactly where she is now. I struggle with my desire to find and rescue her, as mothers and fathers by nature do with their children, and I sometimes feel guilty for not trying harder to find her and communicate with her (she has lost her phone). And yet, nothing has worked thus far and in some ways it is easier not to hear from her because she calls only when she is in some kind of crisis. I believe she communicates more with her mother, but neither of them communicate much with me lately. The last time her mother spoke with me she said our daughter exhibits paranoia, which suggests she has mental illness too.

I never could have imagined something like this happening. The heartbreak is overwhelming. My darling girl who brought so much joy, her life is in shambles. Where is she? What is happening to her? The fear and anxiety of not knowing and guilt for not being able to truly help her is troubling and sometimes overwhelming. And yet, her mother and I both realize it would be a mistake to allow her to move in with either of us while she is using (which, apparently, she is). I pray for her always, and will never give up hope, even though circumstances indicate there isn’t much hope; with God nothing is impossible. I have learned to detach out of necessity (I still have moments of despair), to preserve my own sanity and life, and to prepare myself for the worst, should it happen. Your posts have helped me with all of this, and I also find strength in my faith in God and try to focus on what is good in my life and be thankful. But my daughter's situation is a nightmare, and coping is a daily, difficult practice.

 

[lovemysons]

Hi Dad and welcome though I am sorry you had to find us.

As you may know I lost my son 2 years ago on Thanksgiving morning in California while he was on Meth and on a highway. He was hit and killed by an illegal immigrant with no license to drive. Only a Mexican consulate card.

I can relate to all that you are going through. We also sent our son to rehab and a wilderness program in his teen years. As an adult he spent many years in and out of hospitals after using meth and becoming psychotic. He also got kicked out of the army (with a general but honorable discharge) because of substance abuse.

I tried for years to save him and got very depressed along the way. Eventually this lead to my own psychotic breakdown (not drug induced but natural) and received a bipolar diagnosis. It took years for my brain to recover after that and I almost literally slept for 5 years. Now I have to take a handful of pills the rest of my life to stay stable.
I honestly don’t think the breakdown would have happened without all the stress anguish depression trying to save my son.

What I learned is that I couldn’t save my son. His choices were the only thing that would change anything. And he was a very like-able person and many well meaning people gave him opportunities to help him change.
But he always ended up choosing drugs ultimately.

It is not up to us to save our adult addicts dad. Your daughter has to look at her life and take her own leap of faith that a new decision will lead to a better outcome for her.
You should not be in a position to want her sobriety more than she wants it for herself.

Pray like you are currently doing. And if she ever does take that leap of faith be there then to support her.

You are powerless over your daughter’s addiction. It is very painfully difficult to come to terms with this as the parent. I understand. You want to do something…anything…to force the change. But you can’t. It has to come from within your daughter. She has to see what drugs and alcohol have done to her life for herself.

I appreciate your prayers if you have been praying for me. My grandchildren are really the ones that need those prayers now. Their mother is also an addict and CPS just closed a case against her and did nothing to help my grandchildren.

I will pray for you and your daughter too. Really that’s all the power we have in this situation. God loves your daughter more than even you do. Let go and let God.
That is the best suggestion I can give you.

Hugs and prayers,
LMS

 

[ANewLife4Me]

With God, all things are possible. Welcome Dad34, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Will add you to my prayers for strength and for peace of mind. While my daughter used drugs she has more of mental illness going on, it’s a hard battle for either side and so very well understand your concern for her welfare, the sleepless nights. Mine is in jail right now, yet again, and at least for now I know she is pretty safe. But as you were saying of wanting to reach out, trying harder. Even without a phone she knows how to get in contact with you I am sure. Our children need to accept some responsibility for their actions, you have done so much already. A good book I read from Allison Bottke - Setting Boundaries with our adult children says, “For so long I expected my son to live the kind of life I wished for him to live—a life he himself has no desire to live. Therefore, my expectations were unrealistic. I had to let go of those false (and unfair) expectations.” This statement hit me like a ton of bricks, I was trying to force my daughter to do things she really did not want to do. When she had no choice and made promises, once she came back to live with us the promises were quickly broken and chaos ensued, she did not want the life or plans we agreed to.

10 years we have tried everything as you have and we are no better off then when she first started. We paid the toll financially, healthwise and with my husband and I almost 60 we said enough. She left our home a year ago, we had no contact. She has been in jail since Nov 2023, tried to call for bail, we told the bondsman no. We talked last year to her till we were blue in the face how it’s time for OUR life now, we are not getting any younger. We told her no bailing her out of jail and no help if she left our home, she knew the consequences. But see? She looked at me sly and said, you will help me because you love me. I said back, I do love you but we cannot do this anymore.

Once my daughter is out of jail the real fear begins. She has had her car repossessed that she was living out of. She will be on the street, literally, with no shelter. Fear of her being violent with us because as tough as this will be, we are sticking to our decision of no contact at this time. Hardest thing I have ever done to date, I want so bad to go visit her in jail. It’s time though, we cannot live the rest of our lives like this.

I agree with lovemysons to let go and let God. He alone will take care of our wayward children. I repeat this like a mantra when my heart is low. Let go and let God.

Big hugs!

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Dad34,
Welcome to the forum, and so sorry for your need to be here. It is good to be able to write out our stories and receive kind responses from parents who are experiencing similar challenges.

Our daughter blames much of her issues on the divorce, and I’m sure it was hard on her. But she was always cared for and loved by both of us (her parents).

My two used to play the blame game, it is much easier to shift responsibility for bad choices on others. Recently in a rare sober moment, the younger of my two told me that her and her sisters’ choice to use was on them. Period. In the early years of dealing with this, I spent many days soul searching my parenting mistakes and wishing I could turn back time. We are only human and do the best we can with our circumstances at the time. Guilt becomes our adversary in dealing with adult children’s addiction, and boy do they know how to weaponize that.

Fast forward 16 years, and she has struggled with alcohol addiction and been in rehab at least five times. She also struggles with addiction to prescription drugs and used cocaine while in high school (I learned recently).

I can trace both my wayward daughter’s struggles with choices back to middle school. It’s a hard heartbreaking journey. We try with all our might to stop the train wreck, then they grow to adults and shifting those gears to focus on what is within our control, is a difficult transition.

Over the years I have received multiple calls from her in the middle of the night, mostly from various hospitals where she was being treated for drinking too much alcohol, but I have also received calls from law enforcement. I have made several trips to help her in her city (2 or 3 hours away, depending on where she lived at the time), often in the middle of the night, and have helped pay for her rehab several times

I’m sorry for your pain and aching heart. We’ve had those calls too, or visits. Always a crisis. We went into rescue mode for a few years, but then realized it was “just another Tuesday” for them. All that heart break, worry, time, money for them to continue as is.

But about 1 ½ years ago she had a major relapse that resulted in her losing her job, apartment, and eventually becoming homeless. She was drunk on the morning of my father’s funeral last year and couldn’t attend it. Her mother helped her get into rehab that same day, but she relapsed within days after leaving (she usually leaves rehab earlier than recommended). After that, I helped her get into another rehab facility, but she was kicked out within a couple of weeks for breaking the rules. That was about a year ago.

It is especially difficult when our wayward adult kids turn a corner for a bit, then relapse. It feels like having the rug pulled out from under us. Dealing with our own aging parents, illness and passing, coupled with the heartache of living with the reality of actively using addicted loved ones is a huge hit to the gut.

Sadly, I don’t know exactly where she is now. I struggle with my desire to find and rescue her, as mothers and fathers by nature do with their children, and I sometimes feel guilty for not trying harder to find her and communicate with her (she has lost her phone). And yet, nothing has worked thus far and in some ways it is easier not to hear from her because she calls only when she is in some kind of crisis.

I am right there with you. Except that I know I cannot rescue my two. They have to want to be sober and work for it. It is a learning curve for sure. I have to say that my last interaction with my two was difficult, the eldest, Rain hospitalized with another leg infection, her sister Tornado, in court ordered rehab and “talking the talk.” I visited Rain who I don’t often see as she is homeless, and will most likely lose that leg if she continues as is. Tornado in a moment of clarity said that she learned in class that continued use results in “death or jail.” That “I cannot take responsibility for addicts choices.” So different than her usual “I am this way because of you.”
Then, she broke rules at her clean and sober house and went back to the streets and using meth. Gulp. I was so, so sad, and then felt manipulated and duped, again. I have to measure my contact with my two very carefully, because although I don’t go as close to the rabbit hole as in the past, the sadness engulfs me and affects my health. I totally get the not hearing from your daughter being somewhat easier.

The last time her mother spoke with me she said our daughter exhibits paranoia, which suggests she has mental illness too.

I’m pretty sure the same goes for my two after years of meth use. They have definitely altered their brains.

The heartbreak is overwhelming. My darling girl who brought so much joy, her life is in shambles. Where is she? What is happening to her? The fear and anxiety of not knowing and guilt for not being able to truly help her is troubling and sometimes overwhelming.

It is overwhelming. I am at the moment sifting through years of photos, rearranging and downsizing into albums. It is something I have been needing to do for years, but didn’t want to go down that memory lane because I was too distraught and caught up with my twos choices. It has actually become a healing exercise for me, because I can reaffirm my belief that my children were a gift from God, on loan to me to raise up to adult age. When they reach the age of choice, those choices belong to them. When I hit that overwhelm, a few years back, seeing all of the time I spent trying to save them, to no avail, I asked God to watch over them, because it is too much for me to bear. It has saved me on many occasions to let go and let God. I have also realized that with each impending challenge, I need to allow myself that initial reaction of sorrow and grief, to process it, so that it doesn’t fester within. CD and the kind understanding folks here have been an incredible help with that.

I pray for her always, and will never give up hope, even though circumstances indicate there isn’t much hope; with God nothing is impossible. I have learned to detach out of necessity (I still have moments of despair), to preserve my own sanity and life, and to prepare myself for the worst, should it happen.

It is so important to be able to refocus our attention on what we can control, ourselves. We have absolutely no say in what our adult kids choices are. You have your own life to live. Learning to live well despite the consequences our wayward adult kids face is critical for us and them. We are their first teachers and wish for them to live well. We can model that with our own behavior, setting appropriate boundaries and following through. It does us and them no good to fall to pieces over their choices, or allow them to abuse us.

But my daughter's situation is a nightmare, and coping is a daily, difficult practice.

It is a daily practice. We used to have a staff member whose name was “Recovering Enabler”. That speaks volumes to our own challenge living with this reality. We have our own recovery to work on. May God give us strength each day to not only cope, but to find our peace.
Hugs and love
New Leaf

 

[Dad34]

Thank you all for your replies, in which you offer wise counsel that comes through your own struggles over the years dealing with adult children suffering with addiction issues.

Lovemysons, yes, you are one whom I have been praying for because of losing your son to addiction. I have started praying now for your grandchildren, whose situation is heartbreaking too. Thank you for your prayers for my daughter and me too.

What I learned is that I couldn’t save my son. His choices were the only thing that would change anything. And he was a very like-able person and many well meaning people gave him opportunities to help him change.
But he always ended up choosing drugs ultimately.

It is not up to us to save our adult addicts dad. Your daughter has to look at her life and take her own leap of faith that a new decision will lead to a better outcome for her.
You should not be in a position to want her sobriety more than she wants it for herself.

Pray like you are currently doing. And if she ever does take that leap of faith be there then to support her.

You are powerless over your daughter’s addiction. It is very painfully difficult to come to terms with this as the parent. I understand. You want to do something…anything…to force the change. But you can’t. It has to come from within your daughter. She has to see what drugs and alcohol have done to her life for herself.

I know this is true, that she must want it more than I do and I can't save her. This is heartbreaking, but it is immensely helpful to hear it from you and others in this forum who have come to the same conclusion after many (unsuccessful) attempts to rescue their children from addiction. This battle is intense, and it's easy to get confused and depressed with all of the anxiety, fear, guilt, anger, discouragement, etc., swirling around us. But these emotions are enemies to our souls, and they will destroy us if we allow them. Thank God that He is more powerful than they, and I can seek refuge in Him. Praying for my daughter is powerful, even though her outcome is beyond my power and understanding. Yes, God loves her more than even I, so I must let go and let God.

ANewLife4Me, thank you for your prayers too, and I'm sorry for your suffering and will (continue to) pray for you and your daughter. Thanks for the book recommendation. I will look it up, as it sounds like it would be helpful. I believe you made the right decision to finally let your daughter bear the consequences of her decisions, and stop intervening at the expense of your finances and health. I too am not young anymore (I'm over 60) and have to take care of myself. I also need to work on my own life, per the Al Anon suggestion of evaluating my own life and how I may need to change in order to be more healthy, including relationally. I regret that the last couple of times I spoke with my daughter I was losing patience and spoke more harshly than I should have. Now I realize it doesn't help to harp on her or plead that she change. I must be loving and caring but also hold a firm line on not trying to rescue her out of the consequences of her own choices, especially if she hasn't reached the point of wanting to change.

Once my daughter is out of jail the real fear begins. She has had her car repossessed that she was living out of. She will be on the street, literally, with no shelter. Fear of her being violent with us because as tough as this will be, we are sticking to our decision of no contact at this time. Hardest thing I have ever done to date, I want so bad to go visit her in jail. It’s time though, we cannot live the rest of our lives like this.

I agree with lovemysons to let go and let God. He alone will take care of our wayward children. I repeat this like a mantra when my heart is low. Let go and let God.

I understand your fears, and agree you are right in sticking to your decision. I pray that God will give you wisdom in dealing with her violent tendencies, especially when the time comes for her release. You don't deserve that and shouldn't have to put up with it anymore. Knowing our adult children are living on the street with no shelter is one of the most horrible things I could have ever imagined, and yet that is where my daughter (apparently) is. The odds of her appearing at me door seem less likely, but I do tremble at the thought because I know we (I have remarried) could not allow her to live with us and it would be hard to send her away (maybe I would help her go to a homeless shelter, if she would accept). I also know the anxiety and fear that the phone may ring in the middle of the night (again), with my daughter telling me she is in crisis and wants me to come rescue her - again. I don't know if she is violent now; she hasn't been for awhile but she was in the past and it could happen again. She also has a boyfriend who is an addict, and I don't know what he is capable of.

You mentioned real fear, which I also experience. It's true that we should be as prepared as possible should the worst happen, whether that is our child showing up at the door and threatening our safety, or learning of their death. Put up security cams, change door locks, seek a court-ordered restraining order, pray that God will help us through any situation. We should be proactive and prepared. But fear itself creeps in and causes us to constantly fret over all the horrific "what if" scenarios that may happen (the "what-if" monster). Shakespeare said it this way: "My life has been filled with terrible misfortune, most of which never happened". We know that not all of our imagined fears will happen and in that sense, fear is a liar. Even if one or more of our feared scenarios does happen, all our fretting in advance won't help us; rather, it erodes and has potential to destroy our lives. Somehow, we must recognize fear for what it is, face it with courage, and not allow it to paralyze us. One analogy that may seem cheesy (my wife tells me I have quite an imagination) but has helped me is a scene from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, where Gandolf faced the fierce balrog, demon of the ancient world, in the Mines of Moria, saying "You shall not pass"! (Technically this shows two scenes, the first in which Gandolf is apparently lost during the battle, and a later scene when he reappears in a redeemed state).

"On the lowest dungeon of the highest peak, I fought him...until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin on the mountianside". Somehow, in the end, we will be stronger if we face and battle our fears with Truth. A preacher once said, after we heard some bad news, that "no discouragement is allowed!" And Martin Luther, in his most famous hymn, said about the prince of darkness that "one little word shall fell him (the little word, which is not mentioned in the hymn, is "LIAR"). Fear lies to and paralyzes us, and it does not help us unless we use it as a reminder to turn to God and ask for his help, to turn our anxieties into prayers; my soul clings to God; do not fret, it tends only to evil; the Light shines in the darkness, and darkness can never extinguish it. I'm sorry if this seems like a sermon. Trust me, if I'm preaching to anyone, it is to me, myself, and I, because I must constantly remind myself of these things. We parents of addicted adult children are living in real-time nightmares, and I will never trivialize that. I'm just sharing what has helped keep me from going down the roads of fear, discouragement, etc. Sometimes I have to say "NO, I will not go there, you shall not pass".
Let go and let God. Yes, that is good counsel.

New Leaf, I have read your posts about your daughters and I'm so sorry you are dealing with two adult children with addiction issues. It sounds like you have have shared similar struggles as I have, and your comments are so helpful.

My two used to play the blame game, it is much easier to shift responsibility for bad choices on others. Recently in a rare sober moment, the younger of my two told me that her and her sisters’ choice to use was on them. Period. In the early years of dealing with this, I spent many days soul searching my parenting mistakes and wishing I could turn back time. We are only human and do the best we can with our circumstances at the time. Guilt becomes our adversary in dealing with adult children’s addiction, and boy do they know how to weaponize that.

Amen. Many times I have wished I could go back and change my mistakes. But I know I always loved her and tried my best. I can't go back in time, so I must leave the past (and it's guilt) to God. Fortunately, in my faith, Jesus provides a remedy for guilt, and I must daily remember and accept that. Your daughter's confession in her moment of sobriety is illuminating, and I would guess most of our addicted adult children know that deep down.

I can trace both my wayward daughter’s struggles with choices back to middle school. It’s a hard heartbreaking journey. We try with all our might to stop the train wreck, then they grow to adults and shifting those gears to focus on what is within our control, is a difficult transition.

A train wreck is an appropriate analogy, and I would add "a slow motion" train wreck. Even though I knew her behavior and choices back then would lead to bad consequences, I couldn't have imagined it would be this bad. Yet, that is where we are and I must finally "Let go and let God", lest I be destroyed myself.

We’ve had those calls too, or visits. Always a crisis. We went into rescue mode for a few years, but then realized it was “just another Tuesday” for them. All that heart break, worry, time, money for them to continue as is.

It took a while for me to come to that realization. I really felt (hoped?) I was making a difference back then, but the horror of recurring crises slowly helped me realize this was a chronic problem with no straight forward solution. Last year a police officer told me that unfortunately I couldn't help my daughter until she decides to help herself. The officer was compassionate, and even though I didn't want to accept it, I knew she was right. Reading yours and others stories in this forum has helped me accept it even more. I wish it was different but it isn't, and acceptance and turning her over to God seems to be the only way to peace.

It is especially difficult when our wayward adult kids turn a corner for a bit, then relapse. It feels like having the rug pulled out from under us. Dealing with our own aging parents, illness and passing, coupled with the heartache of living with the reality of actively using addicted loved ones is a huge hit to the gut.

Exactly. All the hope...evaporated. I lost both of my parents to Alzheimer's in the past 7 years, which was a difficult path. The combination of that and my daughter's addiction issues was sad and sometimes overwhelming. I couldn't share my daughter's issues with them but did ask them to pray for her.

I am right there with you. Except that I know I cannot rescue my two. They have to want to be sober and work for it.

I think I am finally there.

Then, she broke rules at her clean and sober house and went back to the streets and using meth. Gulp. I was so, so sad, and then felt manipulated and duped, again. I have to measure my contact with my two very carefully, because although I don’t go as close to the rabbit hole as in the past, the sadness engulfs me and affects my health. I totally get the not hearing from your daughter being somewhat easier.

Even though I'm finally at the place of knowing I can't rescue my daughter, it is still sad and the sadness can overtake me again if I'm not careful. We still love our children and it's hard to both love them and yet not intervene when the consequences of their decisions constantly result in catastrophe...again and again, even though our efforts to save them have failed...again and again.

I am at the moment sifting through years of photos, rearranging and downsizing into albums. It is something I have been needing to do for years, but didn’t want to go down that memory lane because I was too distraught and caught up with my twos choices. It has actually become a healing exercise for me, because I can reaffirm my belief that my children were a gift from God, on loan to me to raise up to adult age. When they reach the age of choice, those choices belong to them. When I hit that overwhelm, a few years back, seeing all of the time I spent trying to save them, to no avail, I asked God to watch over them, because it is too much for me to bear. It has saved me on many occasions to let go and let God. I have also realized that with each impending challenge, I need to allow myself that initial reaction of sorrow and grief, to process it, so that it doesn’t fester within.

I too have been sorting old photos and I had to stop because I was becoming sad for what was lost. My precious daughter that I loved so much, is now in the situation she is in. Thank you for reminding me that our children are really only loaned to us from God to raise for a few years, but then their choices are their own, even if their choices are harmful or deadly, and I can't change that. Knowing that sorting old photos has been a healing exercise for you is helpful. Hopefully I can look at it differently when I go back to that project. Yes, allow myself to feel sorrow and grief, process it, and let go and let God.

It is so important to be able to refocus our attention on what we can control, ourselves. We have absolutely no say in what our adult kids choices are. You have your own life to live. Learning to live well despite the consequences our wayward adult kids face is critical for us and them. We are their first teachers and wish for them to live well. We can model that with our own behavior, setting appropriate boundaries and following through. It does us and them no good to fall to pieces over their choices, or allow them to abuse us.

This is well said. I won't help my daughter by being overcome with grief, anxiety, fear, depression, etc. I must exercise self care. The last time I saw my daughter about a year ago I reminded her that when Jesus said to "love your neighbor as yourself", the implication is that you love yourself. She seemed surprised and said she hated herself. I told her she was loved, and I pray she can realize that at a deep level. But I must do the same. I am my own worst critic, usually in destructive ways, so I must work on getting past that. Yes, I must honestly evaluate my shortcomings and work to remedy them, but I must also not debilitate myself by constantly condemning myself. It's a hard thing to do.

May God give us strength each day to not only cope, but to find our peace.

Amen. I have prayed for you and your daughters and will continue to do so.

Thanks again to all for your encouragement, prayers, and hugs.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Dad34, I am not so good with learning how to quote nor do I write as wonderful as all of you do. Just wanted to say how this touched me, your pain is so evident for both you and her. We have made mistakes in the past, God is the only perfect one so we should not put so much weight on what we did or did not do. I have heard from so many, even a judge when I was in court with her, they said others in her shoes could only wish for the love and support she has. From the book…..

“The bitter truth for many of us is that we haven’t been helping; we’ve been enabling. So instead of praying to God to stop the pain, remove the difficulty, or change the lives of our adult children, we must rise up and pray for something entirely different. We must pray for the courage to look deep in our own hearts and souls. We must pray for the strength to begin a journey that quite possibly may change our own lives—and pray for the wisdom to make new choices. Making new choices won’t always be easy. We’ve been repeating the same patterns for years, but now we need to ask ourselves what rewards we’re getting from enabling our adult children. What need is this fulfilling in our lives? Quite simply, we must identify our own issues.”

This book was a big deal to me, the focus is on God above all but, my enabling. When I recognized the whys of what I did it was a huge moment for me. My own mother was an enabler, my father an alcoholic. Thinking of my own past I could pinpoint the exact issues which lead me to do as I do today. Am also a co-dependent to both my children, they are my life. Breaking free of these behaviors is difficult and in essence re-writing my own history. It’s baby steps at the moment, one step forward - 2 back but each step I declare victory nonetheless.

I do not mind at all you speaking of God, He has gotten me through so many horrible situations in my life….I would not be here today if it were not for Him.

Big hugs!

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you again for the prayers dad. Especially now regarding my grandchildren.

I am interested to know more about your daughter and your family tree if you want to share.

How did your daughter do in school? Did she graduate high school? What were here interests? Was she ever diagnosed by a psychiatrist?

Does addiction run in your family? It does it mine. In both my husband’s side as well as mine.

My son had a double whammy as he was dealing with mental illness plus addiction issues. I really believe if we had ever gotten him psychiatrically taken care of he might have been able to stay sober more easily.
Unfortunately once they are adults their medical care is out of our hands for the most part unless you can use it as a condition/leverage if your adult child wants to live with you.

Dad if I were you I would be in “anticipation of litigation” as my husband would say.
And actually what I mean is prepare yourself for the next “middle of the night crisis.”
You need to be ready with a response.

I’ve got to go for now.
Hang in there.
We’re here for you.
Love and prayers
LMS

 

[Nomad]

Dad…your post shows a father who deeply loves her daughter. The despair when they are using, making no sense at all and living on the edge is so painful. The comments snd advice already provided have been excellent.

At my worst, I did also get help from Families Anonymous. I like their literature. I would have kept going to the meeting, but it was a long drive at night on a crowded expressway and I decided against it. But I read their literature and it really helped.

I noticed your spiritual beliefs. They have helped me personally on a number of occasions. Let go and let God. I had to learn this the hard way as we can’t make our children, and this goes double for adult children, become aware, want to do better and actually do better. It’s up to them.

Another support group, one that is Christian based, I believe started by a social worker, is called “Hope for Hurting Parents.” They too have good literature. Plus on line groups and meetings, primarily in churches.

Sending good thoughts for much peace. You’ll find much support here and a group might help too. This stuff is very hard.

 

[Dad34]

Dad34, I am not so good with learning how to quote nor do I write as wonderful as all of you do. Just wanted to say how this touched me, your pain is so evident for both you and her. We have made mistakes in the past, God is the only perfect one so we should not put so much weight on what we did or did not do. I have heard from so many, even a judge when I was in court with her, they said others in her shoes could only wish for the love and support she has. From the book…..

“The bitter truth for many of us is that we haven’t been helping; we’ve been enabling. So instead of praying to God to stop the pain, remove the difficulty, or change the lives of our adult children, we must rise up and pray for something entirely different. We must pray for the courage to look deep in our own hearts and souls. We must pray for the strength to begin a journey that quite possibly may change our own lives—and pray for the wisdom to make new choices. Making new choices won’t always be easy. We’ve been repeating the same patterns for years, but now we need to ask ourselves what rewards we’re getting from enabling our adult children. What need is this fulfilling in our lives? Quite simply, we must identify our own issues.”

This book was a big deal to me, the focus is on God above all but, my enabling. When I recognized the whys of what I did it was a huge moment for me. My own mother was an enabler, my father an alcoholic. Thinking of my own past I could pinpoint the exact issues which lead me to do as I do today. Am also a co-dependent to both my children, they are my life. Breaking free of these behaviors is difficult and in essence re-writing my own history. It’s baby steps at the moment, one step forward - 2 back but each step I declare victory nonetheless.

I do not mind at all you speaking of God, He has gotten me through so many horrible situations in my life….I would not be here today if it were not for Him.

Big hugs!

Thanks you for your kind words, ANewLife4Me, and I think you write beautifully. I looked up the book you mentioned and it seems familiar, but I couldn't find it in my library so I will need to buy a copy. Thanks for the suggestion, as well as your bits of wisdom that stem from your own experience. Yes, I believe we need to work on our own shortcomings that lead to our enabling. I'm on that journey but have far to go. As for my mention of God, I know this isn't a religious site and I respect that; I am not trying to proselytize. However, to not mention God in my story would be to leave out the lion's share of it; it is in God's presence that I find any strength at all for today, and hope for tomorrow. Blessings to you!

 

[Dad34]

Thank you again for the prayers dad. Especially now regarding my grandchildren.

I am interested to know more about your daughter and your family tree if you want to share.

How did your daughter do in school? Did she graduate high school? What were here interests? Was she ever diagnosed by a psychiatrist?

Does addiction run in your family? It does it mine. In both my husband’s side as well as mine.

My son had a double whammy as he was dealing with mental illness plus addiction issues. I really believe if we had ever gotten him psychiatrically taken care of he might have been able to stay sober more easily.
Unfortunately once they are adults their medical care is out of our hands for the most part unless you can use it as a condition/leverage if your adult child wants to live with you.

Dad if I were you I would be in “anticipation of litigation” as my husband would say.
And actually what I mean is prepare yourself for the next “middle of the night crisis.”
You need to be ready with a response.

I’ve got to go for now.
Hang in there.
We’re here for you.
Love and prayers
LMS

Hi LMS, those are a lot of questions, but I appreciate your concern. My daughter did well in school, although it was more of a struggle in high school because of her rebelliousness. She graduated from high school (she had great support from the superintendent, principal, and her teachers) and even though she struggled with addiction, went on to eventually graduate from college, and I'm proud of her accomplishments there. She is a bright person and capable of much more than she knows. She loves plants and photography. The only addiction in our family that I am aware of was my grandfather's sister, and I never knew much about that (little was spoken about it by my family). There was mental illness in my grandmother's family, and some on her mother's side as well. I don't know if my daughter has been diagnosed by a psychiatrist, but I know she has seen psychiatrists in her rehab programs as an adult; little information was relayed to me because they couldn't without her permission. She cut herself when she was in high school and later as an adult, while in college, she was on suicide watch one time after she was admitted to a hospital after a drinking binge. Heartbreaking stuff. The fear of suicide is real, and I pray against it constantly. How about your son? Did he graduate and what were his interests? Was he suicidal? I'm so sorry for your loss of him, especially getting killed by an illegal (though it would be hard anyway).
I'm not sure what you mean by anticipation of litigation, but I do understand I should be prepared for the next crisis, at least as much as is possible. It's so hard to know in advance every possibility that might happen.
Thanks again for taking the time to respond!

 

[Dad34]

Dad…your post shows a father who deeply loves her daughter. The despair when they are using, making no sense at all and living on the edge is so painful. The comments snd advice already provided have been excellent.

At my worst, I did also get help from Families Anonymous. I like their literature. I would have kept going to the meeting, but it was a long drive at night on a crowded expressway and I decided against it. But I read their literature and it really helped.

I noticed your spiritual beliefs. They have helped me personally on a number of occasions. Let go and let God. I had to learn this the hard way as we can’t make our children, and this goes double for adult children, become aware, want to do better and actually do better. It’s up to them.

Another support group, one that is Christian based, I believe started by a social worker, is called “Hope for Hurting Parents.” They too have good literature. Plus on line groups and meetings, primarily in churches.

Sending good thoughts for much peace. You’ll find much support here and a group might help too. This stuff is very hard.

Hi Nomad, thanks for taking time to write such kind words and helpful suggestions. I've looked into FA a little, and have heard of the "Hope for Hurting Parents" program. I will look into them more though. I attended Al Anon many years ago when I first learned of my daughter's addiction, which I thought was only alcohol at that point (I now know she had used some drugs, even before then). Al Anon was helpful, but at some point I stopped attending, perhaps because my daughter did better for awhile. That is why I still have Al Anon literature. Thanks for sending thoughts of peace, and God's peace to you too! Yes, this stuff is very hard. Amen to that.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Thanks you for your kind words, ANewLife4Me, and I think you write beautifully. I looked up the book you mentioned and it seems familiar, but I couldn't find it in my library so I will need to buy a copy. Thanks for the suggestion, as well as your bits of wisdom that stem from your own experience. Yes, I believe we need to work on our own shortcomings that lead to our enabling. I'm on that journey but have far to go. As for my mention of God, I know this isn't a religious site and I respect that; I am not trying to proselytize. However, to not mention God in my story would be to leave out the lion's share of it; it is in God's presence that I find any strength at all for today, and hope for tomorrow. Blessings to you!

Thank you very much, we speak from our hearts no matter how it comes out. I purchased mine from Amazon on Kindle but, they do offer physical books as well for $10.99. I don’t read all self help books but because she went through a son who was addicted to drugs, the same enabling as we go through, the steps she took to find God and then proceeded to allow God to see her through this………gave me a strong start on the whys that I had been missing out all my life. The book gave me understanding and courage, I still fall back miserably but, have to ability to stand back up.

 

[Copabanana]

I pray for her always, and will never give up hope, even though circumstances indicate there isn’t much hope; with God nothing is impossible. I have learned to detach out of necessity (I still have moments of despair), to preserve my own sanity and life, and to prepare myself for the worst, should it happen. Your posts have helped me with all of this, and I also find strength in my faith in God and try to focus on what is good in my life and be thankful. But my daughter's situation is a nightmare, and coping is a daily, difficult practice.

Dear Dad
Your comment above which I have posted is as good as it gets, at least, for me. I am in a similar situation with my 35-year-old son who has been homeless for 12 years or so. He has had multiple psychiatric hospitalizations.

While other parents of well children are able to have the expectation and experience of their children emancipating and gaining independence, well-being, and building lives with purpose and loving families, we face varying degrees of dependency, crisis, uncertainty and chaos.

Therefore, that they might come to harm but at the same time leave open the possibility of G-d's healing, is a reality that we live. I think any other way of seeing our situations is unrealistic when our beloved children live degrading, difficult, and nightmarish lives.

I am proof positive that we can change, and come to live our own lives with dignity, hope and some degree of peace. While I have worse times, for the most part I accept our situation and try to have the best life that I can, and to count my blessings. I do this because I am able to accept that my son and I are different people. I have earned my life and I don't have to throw away days of enjoyment, security, dignity, tranquility and comfort....because my son lives in the street. He can live his life. I can live mine.

Of course I feel pain writing those above words. But my suffering did not help my son live better. If anything, he was worse, because he learned that he had great power over me. It made him a worse, not a better person. But more than this, why should a parent live the consequences of the choices of another adult person?

Each of us has a responsibility in this life, to live well. As a religious person, I believe this. If I take responsibility for my child's actions, by hobbling myself in my own life, I harm him. He is the one who is responsible. It is a loving to hold him responsible.

 

[lovemysons]

Dad …thank you for sharing additional details about your daughter.

WOW! She graduated high school and college! Not many of us here on our board can say that about our wayward children.
This is a huge plus in my opinion because this gives her a win in her life. My son had a lot of failures in his life, not many wins.

It sounds like your daughter has definitely experienced deep depression and may need an antidepressant to help her with her struggles. Of course she also must seek help for her alcoholism as well.

Suicide is definitely a concern too. My son used to have suicidal thoughts too. Most of this stopped after he became a Christian.
I also discussed with him the fact that most people who survive a suicide attempt regret the act immediately afterwords.

My son did not graduate high school but did get his GED. He entered the Army a couple of weeks after he married his girlfriend who had become pregnant. Though his time in the Army only lasted about a year and a half due to substance abuse issues. He was discharged honorably though thank goodness.

Yes I do think it’s important that you are prepared for the next crisis.

You sound like a very loving dad. Your daughter has surely been blessed to having been raised by you. I hope you won’t be too hard on yourself.

Love and prayers,
LMS

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Dad,
Your thoughts and kind response is so appreciated.

New Leaf, I have read your posts about your daughters and I'm so sorry you are dealing with two adult children with addiction issues. It sounds like you have have shared similar struggles as I have, and your comments are so helpful.

It has been a challenge with two wayward daughters, that’s for sure. I still get thrown off guard by the reality and the off and on news of them, but it is what it is. I am blessed to have three adult children who are doing well and have to remind myself that for many years, late hubs and I were so focused on trying to save my two. It wasn’t fair to their siblings. Time to focus on my well children and grandchildren, as well as trying to live my best life.

But I know I always loved her and tried my best. I can't go back in time, so I must leave the past (and its guilt) to God. Fortunately, in my faith, Jesus provides a remedy for guilt, and I must daily remember and accept that. Your daughter's confession in her moment of sobriety is illuminating, and I would guess most of our addicted adult children know that deep down.

I do believe that our addicted adult children in their desperate minds, grab at anything to switch the blame for their choices towards us. I used to “reel the tapes” of how I might have done things differently. I was stuck in a loop for quite some time. It was surprising to me to hear my daughter speak those words. Unfortunately she is back out there, but I do hope that each time she goes through jail or rehab, she will retain something positive from her experience. I do believe deep down our kids know. CD had a member who was a recovering addict and I remember him writing that when sober, all of the wrongful things he did to get high, would come back to haunt him. So he would get high to avoid the guilt. What a vicious cycle.

A train wreck is an appropriate analogy, and I would add "a slow motion" train wreck. Even though I knew her behavior and choices back then would lead to bad consequences, I couldn't have imagined it would be this bad. Yet, that is where we are and I must finally "Let go and let God", lest I be destroyed myself.

Definitely slow motion train wreck. As I was raising my two, hubs cousins were going through one crisis after another with their meth addicted daughter who had four children. Never in my wildest imagination did I think we would be traveling a similar journey. Indeed “let go and let God”.

I really felt (hoped?) I was making a difference back then, but the horror of recurring crises slowly helped me realize this was a chronic problem with no straight forward solution.

My youngest daughter always quotes “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I had a lot of waking up to do and still have to work at it. I have come to realize that there is nothing I can do or say that will change my twos life course. What I have left is prayer, and prayer is more powerful than anything.

Last year a police officer told me that unfortunately I couldn't help my daughter until she decides to help herself. The officer was compassionate, and even though I didn't want to accept it, I knew she was right.

It is hard to hear, but good to have that reinforcement from folks who know how addiction works.

Reading yours and others stories in this forum has helped me accept it even more. I wish it was different but it isn't, and acceptance and turning her over to God seems to be the only way to peace.

I wish it was different too. I have a hard time with the word acceptance, I don’t think I will ever accept the life my daughters choose. The reality is that I have no control over it, or them. When I find myself troubled over whatever new situation comes up, I write here and get help from the kind folks here and I pray that God will watch over them. Tornado once told me that “You have to accept that I am an addict.” I replied “The only thing I am accepting is that I have no control over your choices.” But, I do tell her that she has way more potential than the choices she is making. Hopefully one day she and her sister will realize this.

Exactly. All the hope...evaporated. I lost both of my parents to Alzheimer's in the past 7 years, which was a difficult path. The combination of that and my daughter's addiction issues was sad and sometimes overwhelming. I couldn't share my daughter's issues with them but did ask them to pray for her.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad after a 6 year battle with illness, then 4 years later my husband passed after being ill off and on for 3 years. All the while my two were cycling downward. I have often said that grieving over a loved one who is living is harder than losing a loved one in death. While this loss is so difficult to deal with, there is a finality. With our wayward adult children the grief can be a constant roller coaster until we decide to get off that hellish ride.

Even though I'm finally at the place of knowing I can't rescue my daughter, it is still sad and the sadness can overtake me again if I'm not careful.

It is sad. I tried to be stoic about it, but realized that if I don’t let those feelings flow every so often, my health deteriorates.

We still love our children and it's hard to both love them and yet not intervene when the consequences of their decisions constantly result in catastrophe...again and again, even though our efforts to save them have failed...again and again.

This is the challenge that we face. I have not given up on my two, I have given in to the ill conceived notion that I can change them.

My precious daughter that I loved so much, is now in the situation she is in. Thank you for reminding me that our children are really only loaned to us from God to raise for a few years, but then their choices are their own, even if their choices are harmful or deadly, and I can't change that. Knowing that sorting old photos has been a healing exercise for you is helpful. Hopefully I can look at it differently when I go back to that project. Yes, allow myself to feel sorrow and grief, process it, and let go and let God.

You know, I couldn’t go through those photos for years. It made me sad and kept me stuck at viewing my daughters as the children they once were. That just pressed the rescue button even harder. I think we have to go through different stages and steps of dealing with this harsh reality with our beloveds choices to find our own path with peace. We are on our own journey of recovery.

I won't help my daughter by being overcome with grief, anxiety, fear, depression, etc. I must exercise self care. The last time I saw my daughter about a year ago I reminded her that when Jesus said to "love your neighbor as yourself", the implication is that you love yourself.

She seemed surprised and said she hated herself. I told her she was loved, and I pray she can realize that at a deep level. But I must do the same. I am my own worst critic, usually in destructive ways, so I must work on getting past that. Yes, I must honestly evaluate my shortcomings and work to remedy them, but I must also not debilitate myself by constantly condemning myself. It's a hard thing to do.

True words. When grieving the passing of my husband, there was a point where I kept seeing and feeling his final moments. It haunted me. Then I realized that I was not honoring his life, by allowing myself to be overcome by his death. Maybe it’s the same when our adult children are on this destructive path. I would project the absolute worst case scenarios, as if to prepare myself for whatever may happen. Now, I try to replace negative thoughts and images with positive ones. To view the time I did have with my two, my husband, with a grateful heart.
I think our adult kids have a lot of soul searching to do. Their actions do not bespeak self love. We do not have to synchronize with that. We can understand it, but we can rise above. It takes work. I am my own worst critic as well and have a tendency for circular thinking. Stopping that negative voice in my head is critical. It is hard, but necessary. I believe everything has energy, thoughts and words are powerful. We need to practice more kindness towards ourselves.

Amen. I have prayed for you and your daughters and will continue to do so.

Thanks again to all for your encouragement, prayers, and hugs.

Thank you for your prayers.

One analogy that may seem cheesy (my wife tells me I have quite an imagination) but has helped me is a scene from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, where Gandolf faced the fierce balrog, demon of the ancient world, in the Mines of Moria, saying "You shall not pass"! (Technically this shows two scenes, the first in which Gandolf is apparently lost during the battle, and a later scene when he reappears in a redeemed state).

I love that analogy. Imagery from stories, songs, quotes from folks who have risen above life’s challenges has been a lifeline for me.

Fear lies to and paralyzes us, and it does not help us unless we use it as a reminder to turn to God and ask for his help, to turn our anxieties into prayers; my soul clings to God; do not fret, it tends only to evil; the Light shines in the darkness, and darkness can never extinguish it. I'm sorry if this seems like a sermon.

It does not sound like a sermon at all. Thank you for sharing. It is similar to the mantra I want to live by- Have an attitude of gratitude.
Thank you for sharing your journey Dad. It is not an easy path to walk, do know that you are not alone. Our lives are worth living well, finding peace and joy. We are the first teachers and best examples for our adult children in modeling and practicing self love. I think that path and prayer is the truest help we can offer.
Hugs
New Leaf

 

[Beta]

I came across this website a couple of months ago when searching for how to cope with an addicted, homeless adult child. Reading your posts has helped me to realize I am not alone, and it has helped me to cope. Thank you to everyone who has posted. I had been reading Al Anon literature, primarily the One Day at a Time book, but this website is more on target with my situation. It’s sad how many of us find ourselves in this club where we never thought we would be or wanted to be. My heart goes out to you all, and I have prayed for you, especially those of you who whose children have died from their addictions.

My daughter is homeless and addicted to alcohol and drugs. Her problems began early. When she was in 5th or 6th grade, she ran away one day after school and the police had to be called to find her. She became extremely rebellious in her teenage years and by 18, she was becoming hateful and violent, and I had to ask (tell) her to leave the house. She and I were estranged for a while (maybe a year or so). It was complicated by the fact that her mother and I are divorced, and her mother is on-and-off regarding talking with me about our daughter’s situation. Our daughter blames much of her issues on the divorce, and I’m sure it was hard on her. But she was always cared for and loved by both of us (her parents).

Fast forward 16 years, and she has struggled with alcohol addiction and been in rehab at least five times. She also struggles with addiction to prescription drugs and used cocaine while in high school (I learned recently). Over the years I have received multiple calls from her in the middle of the night, mostly from various hospitals where she was being treated for drinking too much alcohol, but I have also received calls from law enforcement. I have made several trips to help her in her city (2 or 3 hours away, depending on where she lived at the time), often in the middle of the night, and have helped pay for her rehab several times. For a couple of years or so she was doing better and held down several decent jobs. But about 1 ½ years ago she had a major relapse that resulted in her losing her job, apartment, and eventually becoming homeless. She was drunk on the morning of my father’s funeral last year and couldn’t attend it. Her mother helped her get into rehab that same day, but she relapsed within days after leaving (she usually leaves rehab earlier than recommended). After that, I helped her get into another rehab facility, but she was kicked out within a couple of weeks for breaking the rules. That was about a year ago.

Sadly, I don’t know exactly where she is now. I struggle with my desire to find and rescue her, as mothers and fathers by nature do with their children, and I sometimes feel guilty for not trying harder to find her and communicate with her (she has lost her phone). And yet, nothing has worked thus far and in some ways it is easier not to hear from her because she calls only when she is in some kind of crisis. I believe she communicates more with her mother, but neither of them communicate much with me lately. The last time her mother spoke with me she said our daughter exhibits paranoia, which suggests she has mental illness too.

I never could have imagined something like this happening. The heartbreak is overwhelming. My darling girl who brought so much joy, her life is in shambles. Where is she? What is happening to her? The fear and anxiety of not knowing and guilt for not being able to truly help her is troubling and sometimes overwhelming. And yet, her mother and I both realize it would be a mistake to allow her to move in with either of us while she is using (which, apparently, she is). I pray for her always, and will never give up hope, even though circumstances indicate there isn’t much hope; with God nothing is impossible. I have learned to detach out of necessity (I still have moments of despair), to preserve my own sanity and life, and to prepare myself for the worst, should it happen. Your posts have helped me with all of this, and I also find strength in my faith in God and try to focus on what is good in my life and be thankful. But my daughter's situation is a nightmare, and coping is a daily, difficult practice.

Hi, as I read your post, I saw so many similarities with our situation. Our oldest son, age 34 yo, is homeless and addicted to fentanyl somewhere in Phoenix, AZ. He has some possible bipolar issues. He too has lost his phone and only communicates sporadically by FB messenger. He says fentanyl is no big deal and it makes him feel better. I totally understand the anxiety, fear, and bafflement you express. I too could never have imagined this when he was growing up. My husband and I pray for him every day; we have prepared ourselves for the worst to happen, and we too have to detach a little bit each day in order to function and not have this overwhelm our lives. I just want to say that you are right--you are not alone. I also want to say I am so, so sorry for the daily struggle to bear up under this. Keep checking back on this site and post when you need to. There are some wonderful, wise people here who have helped me many times with my perspective. God bless you.

 

[Dad34]

Thank you very much, we speak from our hearts no matter how it comes out. I purchased mine from Amazon on Kindle but, they do offer physical books as well for $10.99. I don’t read all self help books but because she went through a son who was addicted to drugs, the same enabling as we go through, the steps she took to find God and then proceeded to allow God to see her through this………gave me a strong start on the whys that I had been missing out all my life. The book gave me understanding and courage, I still fall back miserably but, have to ability to stand back up.

Speaking from our hearts is the best thing to do, especially in this forum where we all are suffering through similar stories. My wife found the book you mentioned (it was buried somewhere), so I will definitely read it. Thanks again for the suggestion!

 

[Dad34]

Dear Dad
Your comment above which I have posted is as good as it gets, at least, for me. I am in a similar situation with my 35-year-old son who has been homeless for 12 years or so. He has had multiple psychiatric hospitalizations.

While other parents of well children are able to have the expectation and experience of their children emancipating and gaining independence, well-being, and building lives with purpose and loving families, we face varying degrees of dependency, crisis, uncertainty and chaos.

Therefore, that they might come to harm but at the same time leave open the possibility of G-d's healing, is a reality that we live. I think any other way of seeing our situations is unrealistic when our beloved children live degrading, difficult, and nightmarish lives.

I am proof positive that we can change, and come to live our own lives with dignity, hope and some degree of peace. While I have worse times, for the most part I accept our situation and try to have the best life that I can, and to count my blessings. I do this because I am able to accept that my son and I are different people. I have earned my life and I don't have to throw away days of enjoyment, security, dignity, tranquility and comfort....because my son lives in the street. He can live his life. I can live mine.

Of course I feel pain writing those above words. But my suffering did not help my son live better. If anything, he was worse, because he learned that he had great power over me. It made him a worse, not a better person. But more than this, why should a parent live the consequences of the choices of another adult person?

Each of us has a responsibility in this life, to live well. As a religious person, I believe this. If I take responsibility for my child's actions, by hobbling myself in my own life, I harm him. He is the one who is responsible. It is a loving to hold him responsible.

Hi Copa,
Thank you for responding to my post with your wise and tender comments. I've read a number of your posts and have benefited from the wisdom you've shared with others (as well as from your comments here). From your posts I'm aware of some of the details of your heartbreak, and am sorry you have had to go through it. I also have only one child, my daughter. I don't know if that makes it worse or not (compared to having more than one child), since anyone who has a wayward, addict child suffers terribly. Either way, we must detach from the horror of what may happen or does happen and learn to live grateful, meaningful lives, connected to God our creator and draw strength and peace from Him.

I am proof positive that we can change, and come to live our own lives with dignity, hope and some degree of peace. While I have worse times, for the most part I accept our situation and try to have the best life that I can, and to count my blessings. I do this because I am able to accept that my son and I are different people. I have earned my life and I don't have to throw away days of enjoyment, security, dignity, tranquility and comfort....because my son lives in the street. He can live his life. I can live mine.

This is well said, and your example is encouraging. I must remind myself constantly to choose to live the way you are describing...with dignity, hope, and peace, and not despair, sadness, and depression. Yes, I also have worse times and I imagine that is normal for those of us in these circumstances. But being thankful even for small blessings (which are probably bigger than we know), such as being able to take a walk and enjoy the green grass and blue sky, take a deep breath of fresh air, say hi to a neighbor, or read a good book is so helpful. When the pain returns, I try to turn my daughter over to God immediately in prayer, so at least I'm not suffering alone (I know God is present with me). Someone in this forum has said that God knows and loves our children even more than we do (he created them, after all!), and he cares for them. I believe that, and take comfort in it. And, as you said, our adult children are responsible for their own choices and we have to live our own lives as well as we can, and not be torpedoed by their choices.

Of course I feel pain writing those above words. But my suffering did not help my son live better. If anything, he was worse, because he learned that he had great power over me. It made him a worse, not a better person. But more than this, why should a parent live the consequences of the choices of another adult person?

Each of us has a responsibility in this life, to live well. As a religious person, I believe this. If I take responsibility for my child's actions, by hobbling myself in my own life, I harm him. He is the one who is responsible. It is a loving to hold him responsible.

This is so true, and I agree totally. I do struggle with some of my later conversations with my daughter. She told me she loves me, but because I didn't do what she asked, she has cut herself off from me. As I said in my earlier post, in one way it is a blessing not to hear from her. But in another way it is hard because I sometimes fear she either thinks I don't love her because I didn't do what she asked, or worse, thinks I don't care and would never help her again. Somehow I want to tell her I am willing to help IF she really is serious. But I fear I would just be playing the fool again too, given the track record. It is such an endless cycle. I've messaged her on Facebook several times to tell her I love her and she doesn't respond. It could be she is attempting to exercise control over me by cutting herself off, I really don't know. Either way, I must not hobble myself as you said, because it does neither me nor her any good. Life is a gift and I choose to live my life well.

While other parents of well children are able to have the expectation and experience of their children emancipating and gaining independence, well-being, and building lives with purpose and loving families, we face varying degrees of dependency, crisis, uncertainty and chaos.

This is very familiar to me...I have thought the same thing so many times. I try to break free of the sadness for my situation by being thankful for them, for their better situations. I have three step children who are all adults and are doing well. Two of them have young children (ages 0 to 2). They include me in their lives and I am granddad to their children, and I'm thankful for that. Of course, it's sad my daughter has checked out and is not involved in my life or my step children's lives for that matter...they would welcome her. But that is my daughter's choice and I must continue to choose to enjoy my step children and their kids, and be thankful they want me to be involved with them.
Blessings to you, Copa.

 

[Copabanana]

our adult children are responsible for their own choices and we have to live our own lives as well as we can, and not be torpedoed by their choices.

Thank you Dad, for your comments. One thing I struggle with is my son's capacity to decide well in his life. His judgment is horrible. The whole issue of responsibility is so difficult when people have diminished capacity, for one reason or another.

But if I gain distance and don't feel the weight of this personally I say that parents should not take responsibility for their grown children, even if they're marginally responsible. It crushes us. We become beasts of burden. The other reason is that there will be a time that we're gone. And our children must reconcile themselves to real life unmediated by their parents. And finally, every adult needs their own relationship to their lives.

But I worry, fret and suffer to the extent I think my son can't do it.

He has said more than once, I'm not you. There is so much truth in that. Even wisdom.

And finally, aren't our paths, "G-d-given?" Can we say we will only accept the good and the easy? Isn't that the truth for us and for our children, too?

 

[Dad34]

Speaking from our hearts is the best thing to do, especially in this forum where we all are suffering through similar stories. My wife found the book you mentioned (it was buried somewhere), so I will definitely read it. Thanks again for the suggestion!

To clarify, she found the book in our house, buried in a drawer. I knew that book sounded familiar. I just hadn’t seen it in a while.