Hello, I am new to this forum. I am so glad that I found you. I have been estranged from my adopted daughter (35) since she returned to her birth mother who abused her until age 3. The estrangement was on my daughter's part for 16 months and that is when I decided to "let go". I have never let go. I just maintained no contact. She has a plethora of mental illnesses and can be aggressive. She was a challenge to raise, putting it mildly. 5 months ago I was contacted by a detective as my daughter had been reported missing. She had been arrested and placed on probation. She skipped out after 1 month and "went missing". I assisted the detective. She was finally located and is now in jail...no bond for obvious reasons. I have been struggling with sending her a letter, not sending, etc. This forum has really helped me. I am not sure if she will be off to prison. I actually think it will help because it might afford her the structure she needs. She might become institutionalized and just become a repeat offender. It still hurts me for her but I don't think I can do anything. She would absolutely twist my words, etc. as she has always done. I'm sorry to be so long winded. I really am trying to "Let Go".
Learning to Let Go...sorry if you already read this post!
- Thread starter LetGo
- Start date
I’m so sorry. Our adopted daughter recently found her birth family. She suffers from mental illness and mental illness is highly prevalent in her bio family.
She visits them and they welcome visits, but I’m fairly sure they don’t necessarily want her full fledged enmeshed with their family.
We’ve had decades of turmoil and a few years ago experienced a breaking point with behavior on her part that caused extreme chaos in which she showed very little to no remorse. It was a turning point and I have largely , almost fully “let go.”
Can I borrow “a challenge to raise, putting it mildly”????? Sigh. Boy can I relate.
Whenever she is inappropriate or even unkind, she will NOT tolerate any sort of mention of it. In other words, in her world, we are not to speak up about her inappropriate behaviors , defend ourselves or set boundaries.
But boundaries are indeed crucial and especially after age 21 , detachment as well.
Your daughter seems to have chosen her bio family over you? And is now accused of a crime? I would hesitate to write a letter as well. Largely because my experience with such things aren’t positive. I , for example, would NOT be able to offer advice in my case. It would have to be neutral , but supportive, and then if I were neutral but supportive, she would likely deem such a letter “stupid” or “unhelpful.” And “twisting my words” in our case is also common. I would be more inclined to do it if it was a holiday or a birthday. Perhaps review all the pros and cons and then make your decision. My heart goes out to you. We find ourselves in no win situations when it comes to our adult children who are so unwell. Be sure to take good care of yourself. No doubt much stress and sorrow. (((Hugs)))
She visits them and they welcome visits, but I’m fairly sure they don’t necessarily want her full fledged enmeshed with their family.
We’ve had decades of turmoil and a few years ago experienced a breaking point with behavior on her part that caused extreme chaos in which she showed very little to no remorse. It was a turning point and I have largely , almost fully “let go.”
Can I borrow “a challenge to raise, putting it mildly”????? Sigh. Boy can I relate.
Whenever she is inappropriate or even unkind, she will NOT tolerate any sort of mention of it. In other words, in her world, we are not to speak up about her inappropriate behaviors , defend ourselves or set boundaries.
But boundaries are indeed crucial and especially after age 21 , detachment as well.
Your daughter seems to have chosen her bio family over you? And is now accused of a crime? I would hesitate to write a letter as well. Largely because my experience with such things aren’t positive. I , for example, would NOT be able to offer advice in my case. It would have to be neutral , but supportive, and then if I were neutral but supportive, she would likely deem such a letter “stupid” or “unhelpful.” And “twisting my words” in our case is also common. I would be more inclined to do it if it was a holiday or a birthday. Perhaps review all the pros and cons and then make your decision. My heart goes out to you. We find ourselves in no win situations when it comes to our adult children who are so unwell. Be sure to take good care of yourself. No doubt much stress and sorrow. (((Hugs)))
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Thank you so much for your response. My daughter never accepted that I am her Mom. She has always been "missing" something and has thought the next thing to come along would be the magic cure for what ails her. This forum has been incredibly helpful to me. I have decided not to reach out to her. She is 35, behavior hasn't changed much, and indeed has gotten worse since she left the area to be with her birth mother (who by the way, kicked my daughter out and she herself is now deceased). I need to live in peace with the rest of my family. Take good care of yourself (((HUGS)))
