More calls….

[ANewLife4Me]

My daughters next court date is June 16th and since she has been in for 6 months now feel as if she might get time served and get out. Her calls are becoming more and more frequent, we do not accept them but, it’s making me very nervous. We are her only form of help, she will be on the streets this time and further convinces me she will walk to our house first thing.

I need above and beyond strength, will not be answering the door and calling the cops if necessary should she not leave. The time for my own freedom is coming to an end I feel shortly and although I should not be this fearful or worried this will haunt my days forever.

 

[newstart]

ANewLife4Me, I feel your words and I know and understand your agony. Only follow your own heart on what you can and cannot do. When my daughter was way off track I just completely cut her off from all communication. I have buried a son and I must admit cutting off a child that is off track and acting horrific felt worse than my son's death so I know the kind of strength you are talking about. My deepest prayer for you is that you listen to God's voice and your own voice on how you are going to move forward. Only do what you can live with and what feels right in your heart. Sit alone and ask God what is the right thing to do. I know how tore up you feel inside, I know the agony. We can always pray that your daughter will straighten out that her hormones will balance and she will appreciate the life that was given to her. Even though you feel lost now just know that many wayward children that were WAY off track can settle down and live better lives even through you do not believe it now, I did not either when in the midst of it.
I prayed for you. What if you set up a tent in your back yard with a camping potty and hose to shower in. Tell her you love her but can't have her demonic behavior in your house? Maybe this could be something you could live with. I suggested that because I almost did that, but before I could do that my daughter's friend took her in to her apartment. Please let us know how you are going to move forward.

 

[Copabanana]

What if you set up a tent in your back yard with a camping potty and hose to shower in

I went through a form of this for years. I did not consent that my son sleep in the yard, he did it anyway. He was a squatter. He peed and pooped in the yard. He smoked marijuana. It was horrible. He would sit on the porch and smoke cigarettes. It was a complete nightmare. It went on and on and on until I submitted to the police a letter of trespass and enforced it. Thank God, this was in a property I own, where I do not live. Once I went into my backyard and saw my son sitting there. I was terrified. In shock. Traumatized.

My body recognized my terror when my brain did not. Of my own child.

I think the boundaries need to be very, very clear-cut. If you don't feel safe with her in the house, she should not be outside the house, either.

I believe your daughter and my son know why we take the positions we do. Your daughter knows what she does. She knows why you are afraid. So does my son, know why. They just believe they can mow us down.

In a very low-drama way, you need to make a plan and enforce it without drama and emotion. You need to put the plan in place now. Is it a letter of trespass and calling the police? Is it a restraining order? Do you call her parole office in jail who can inform her before she leaves?

Do you have an alarm? Are you going to answer the door? All of this needs to be thought out. Now. Huddling in terror and guilt is not a response. It is a reaction. You are not her prey. You are her mother. Being a mother isn't being a doormat. That is what I had to learn. It is taking control of the situation, in the best way we can.

 

[Copabanana]

I know how tore up you feel inside, I know the agony.

I want to add this. I understand with all my heart what newstart is saying here. She is describing the impossible agony that we suffer, when we choose for ourselves over our child. And she is supporting you to look as deeply as you can, with God, about what you can do, how far you can go, without sacrificing yourself.

But the thing is we are here on this board because we have bent over so far to meet our children where they are, that we've lost ourselves. I have been in therapy 2.5 years. Not long ago, the psychologist who I like, admire and trust, said something like this. The price for feeling and knowing you're a separate person from your son, is you have less love.

I don't know if this is fully true. But it's a little bit true. If to have a separate self, and to be aware of, and have control over how much I sacrifice of myself and my life, is less love, then I have less love. I believe my son feels and thinks I love him less. He's expressed it. Quite meanly and aggressively. I did not fold. I doubled down. I said. If you continue down this road and don't change, you will find that I want minimal contact with you.

I think my son feels I love him less because I don't want to suffer the consequences of his behavior towards me and the way he lives his life.

And it is true. The latter part. I don't want to suffer the effects of his poor choices.

But I see that this might be a place to stand, and to be more open. If I can protect myself, and if I do protect myself, maybe I will have something to give. But giving has to come from a place of safety and of strength.

I have decided I will try to get even stronger. By doing so I am hopeful I can better tolerate his behavior. And not be so reactive. I will try to have better communication. I will try again to have a relationship. But I will never again sacrifice myself. Only you know what it is to sacrifice yourself. I think that is in part what newstart is telling you in her beautiful, compassionate and heartfelt post.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

ANewLife4Me, I feel your words and I know and understand your agony. Only follow your own heart on what you can and cannot do. When my daughter was way off track I just completely cut her off from all communication. I have buried a son and I must admit cutting off a child that is off track and acting horrific felt worse than my son's death so I know the kind of strength you are talking about. My deepest prayer for you is that you listen to God's voice and your own voice on how you are going to move forward. Only do what you can live with and what feels right in your heart. Sit alone and ask God what is the right thing to do. I know how tore up you feel inside, I know the agony. We can always pray that your daughter will straighten out that her hormones will balance and she will appreciate the life that was given to her. Even though you feel lost now just know that many wayward children that were WAY off track can settle down and live better lives even through you do not believe it now, I did not either when in the midst of it.
I prayed for you. What if you set up a tent in your back yard with a camping potty and hose to shower in. Tell her you love her but can't have her demonic behavior in your house? Maybe this could be something you could live with. I suggested that because I almost did that, but before I could do that my daughter's friend took her in to her apartment. Please let us know how you are going to move forward.

Thank you newstart, and thankful very much for your prayer. I cannot imagine that this pain is worse than loosing your son, am so very sorry this torture your going through. My heart aches so very much because she has no friends, no other family members who will help her as we broke off with them many years ago, her brother gave up on her years ago. She is smart and she is capable to work so first thing should be her getting a job. Loosing her license and having her car repossessed will make anything difficult for her to do. But, if there is a will, there is a way…many use the buses and or ride a bike/walk. Knowing how little care my daughter has for herself and effort she wants to put forth is hardly none, wants it all done or handed to her. But, these are all her decision not mine to make. I have been that Mom who never wanted her children to suffer as I did and made it too easy and took care of all their problems immediately. This is not only going to be hard on her but extremely difficult for me as well.

I tried calling her lawyers office today for any information and all I had gotten was will forward a message for her to call you. She never does as I am not her client. But explaining the situation to the receptionist I felt embarrassed and ashamed. The woman was silent as I told her she will be on the streets and we cannot help anymore, I felt judged.

For some that is an amazing idea about setting something up in our backyard, we even thought of a converted shed. We cannot do this for our daughter because she feels entitled. If she had her own space she does anything she wants no matter if it’s our home or not. We said no to the shed because she would bring strangers to our property, party, make too much noise and cause a disturbance to our neighbors. She likes to drink and uses drugs at times and has already verbally attacked my neighbors and embarrassed us. Had my one neighbor knocking on my door yelling how she had drove around him while he was trying to turn into his driveway, almost causing an accident. She has no concern for others. Even her bedroom was a huge mess, food - drinks - even a tampon wrapper and casing all over the floor.

My heart knows what I have to do and said so many times on here that it’s killing me. I have to let her go, she has been through so much that to a normal person would have been rock bottom but for her, it just continues. Maybe being on the streets with no shelter will be her rock bottom this time? I wish she were in a city, at least she could get into a shelter from 7pm to 7am we do not have them here. She will have some sort of probation and have to stay in this area until she serves it. If she convinced a judge to move the probation to a city, I would gladly pay for an Uber to take her there. But you see? Disaster adverted this time if that were to happen. What of the next and the next and the next times she goes through a life crisis. Straight back to me. Why I call this a nightmare because if I ever became comfortable in my own home, at any moment could all come back.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I went through a form of this for years. I did not consent that my son sleep in the yard, he did it anyway. He was a squatter. He peed and pooped in the yard. He smoked marijuana. It was horrible. He would sit on the porch and smoke cigarettes. It was a complete nightmare. It went on and on and on until I submitted to the police a letter of trespass and enforced it. Thank God, this was in a property I own, where I do not live. Once I went into my backyard and saw my son sitting there. I was terrified. In shock. Traumatized.

My body recognized my terror when my brain did not. Of my own child.

I think the boundaries need to be very, very clear-cut. If you don't feel safe with her in the house, she should not be outside the house, either.

I believe your daughter and my son know why we take the positions we do. Your daughter knows what she does. She knows why you are afraid. So does my son, know why. They just believe they can mow us down.

In a very low-drama way, you need to make a plan and enforce it without drama and emotion. You need to put the plan in place now. Is it a letter of trespass and calling the police? Is it a restraining order? Do you call her parole office in jail who can inform her before she leaves?

Do you have an alarm? Are you going to answer the door? All of this needs to be thought out. Now. Huddling in terror and guilt is not a response. It is a reaction. You are not her prey. You are her mother. Being a mother isn't being a doormat. That is what I had to learn. It is taking control of the situation, in the best way we can.

Thank you Copa, I can imagine the nightmare of having your son camping in your yard against your wishes, so very sorry you had to go through that. Right behind my home is woods and this terrifies me that she will camp there. I have 3 Ring cameras set up but they do not capture my entire house and or do not go off. Have had mail delivery to my porch and my Ring camera did not capture it but, gets every dang car on the road. Such is technology, half works.

I am in total agreement with our children know us and they know our fears, how to use them against us. Have tried calling her lawyers today only with the promise of passing on a message that she will call me back. I am not the client so she never calls me back. My hands are tied at the moment as was told that a trespass order and restraining order has to be after the fact. She has to actually come to the property or commit an act of violence before we can put those in place. Even with much evidence last year when she left, including a cop at our home that very night, a judge denied my petition for a restraining order. His reason was it was no grounds for eviction. I was floored it was denied! The cop told us he saw what we were dealing with and told her to leave peacefully, if she didn’t he would come back and put her in jail.

Thank you for the idea of the parole office. I don’t know who to call but, will call the jail and see if I can find out. It’s worth a shot.

Trying so hard not to turn this into a big drama deal for myself, just knowing how she is going to react, she does not take no for an answer, will try everything she can throw at us to make us feel guilty and that she is somehow being hurt. I have to remember what your saying….she will use what she knows we fear most.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I want to add this. I understand with all my heart what newstart is saying here. She is describing the impossible agony that we suffer, when we choose for ourselves over our child. And she is supporting you to look as deeply as you can, with God, about what you can do, how far you can go, without sacrificing yourself.

But the thing is we are here on this board because we have bent over so far to meet our children where they are, that we've lost ourselves. I have been in therapy 2.5 years. Not long ago, the psychologist who I like, admire and trust, said something like this. The price for feeling and knowing you're a separate person from your son, is you have less love.

I don't know if this is fully true. But it's a little bit true. If to have a separate self, and to be aware of, and have control over how much I sacrifice of myself and my life, is less love, then I have less love. I believe my son feels and thinks I love him less. He's expressed it. Quite meanly and aggressively. I did not fold. I doubled down. I said. If you continue down this road and don't change, you will find that I want minimal contact with you.

I think my son feels I love him less because I don't want to suffer the consequences of his behavior towards me and the way he lives his life.

And it is true. The latter part. I don't want to suffer the effects of his poor choices.

But I see that this might be a place to stand, and to be more open. If I can protect myself, and if I do protect myself, maybe I will have something to give. But giving has to come from a place of safety and of strength.

I have decided I will try to get even stronger. By doing so I am hopeful I can better tolerate his behavior. And not be so reactive. I will try to have better communication. I will try again to have a relationship. But I will never again sacrifice myself. Only you know what it is to sacrifice yourself. I think that is in part what newstart is telling you in her beautiful, compassionate and heartfelt post.

I feel like that I do make some sort of headway, 2 steps forward and 3 back, good days and bad. Definitely have to strengthen myself for myself in order to deal with this in a manner that will not sacrifice myself ever again. I love her with all my heart but, I want my life and my husbands as we are both 58 years old. Age has a big factor in this for me because of putting so much effort not only into my daughter but in everything I did for everyone else…..except myself. Being everyone else rock takes a toll on you and I am tired, I want my life to begin now. I started young at the age of 11 taking care of an entire household as my mother had dizzy issues as I do now. Later on she had more children who I practically raised. Never did all the normal children things, not graduated high school but worked a job instead. So it’s definitely a time for me now and I crave it very much. While she has been in jail my husband and I are doing life as we want it, do not want it ruined with her mess.

 

[MommaTried24]

I think my son feels I love him less because I don't want to suffer the consequences of his behavior towards me and the way he lives his life.

And it is true. The latter part. I don't want to suffer the effects of his poor choices.

This is exactly how I feel.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I think my son feels I love him less because I don't want to suffer the consequences of his behavior towards me and the way he lives his life.

And it is true. The latter part. I don't want to suffer the effects of his poor choices.

This is exactly how I feel.

Definitely agree, my daughter even goes to the….you love him more than me, meaning her brother. I love them equally as I hate favoritism but, she was the one who pulled away from whatever we were doing much as I tried. Their poor choices should fall directly onto them we are the ones who have to stop getting in the way. I am learning.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I have emailed my daughters lawyer, see if I get a response.

“Good morning, tried to call yesterday but she said you were not available. She is attempting to call us more from the jail and I am thinking since she has served 6 months already she might be released on time served. Are you able to tell me where in the process this is at this time?

She has absolutely no where to go, there are not even shelters here in ****** unless you’re pregnant or abused that I know of. Also think she left her wallet in the car that was repossessed so no access to her bank account, her phone also was left in the car. Repos will not even let you get personal things unless you pay them. She really needs to be in a big city where there are shelters and available food banks and such. If she wanted, maybe the judge could let her serve probation elsewhere? I would gladly pay for an Uber to take her to a specific place. A friend who worked in a jail said I need to call the probation officer to have a note put in that she is not to come to our house. Have no idea how I would go about this. Her Dad and I will not answer the door if she shows up but will be calling the police and getting a trespassing order and if she is violent, a restraining order. If you can please tell her so she can prepare herself now and think on what she is going to do when released.

Please don’t think me cruel, I love her dearly but over 10 years of this….cannot do it anymore. I just pray everyday she won’t be on the streets and think if that’s the only option, she will soon be right back in jail.

Thank you, have a great day. ”

Even still with writing this to her lawyer feel the need to explain myself of why we are doing this. Why does society think you help your child no matter what and dislike you if you don’t?

 

[MommaTried24]

ANewLife4Me I have so been right where you are only it's my son and he's my only child. Compound all of that you wrote with the fact that he has epilepsy. It's been 8 years of this for me so I totally get where you're coming from. People never understand until they've lived it. You're doing the right thing. Nothing will change with your daughter until she's tired of suffering the consequences of her choices. I have a niece that was just like her and she's like a completely different person now. Clean and sober (needle junkie) and doing so well. I've lost hope for my son but she gives me a glimmer of it back. Tough love is the only thing I have left to try with mine. Lord knows I've tried everything else and nothing worked.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

ANewLife4Me I have so been right where you are only it's my son and he's my only child. Compound all of that you wrote with the fact that he has epilepsy. It's been 8 years of this for me so I totally get where you're coming from. People never understand until they've lived it. You're doing the right thing. Nothing will change with your daughter until she's tired of suffering the consequences of her choices. I have a niece that was just like her and she's like a completely different person now. Clean and sober (needle junkie) and doing so well. I've lost hope for my son but she gives me a glimmer of it back. Tough love is the only thing I have left to try with mine. Lord knows I've tried everything else and nothing worked.

Oh I hope and pray that your niece will stay sober! Can only imagine how difficult it must be for them to break free from any sort of drug use, she must really not want that life anymore and that she made this start is tremendous!

What fear you must have with your son having epilepsy, I imagine any drug or alcohol could set him off into a fit. You wrote I am doing the right thing, thank you for that. You also are even though it tears us up daily. I am back to daily thoughts of my daughter, thinking of this and that…what we will do. First thing this morning was a conversation with my husband about the day she up and left us. He thinks it’s our fault and if we tried something else it might of worked out. I firmly told him NO!! we are not to blame for anything she has done or will do. Even though he works as a mental health counselor for those in crisis, he cannot accept everything he knows to be true, what he tells clients, it’s different with his own daughter.

Even with my broken heart I definitely am going to follow through with this. I don’t want the verbal abuse, I don’t want to wonder if she will kill us in our sleep, not to be on edge all day long when she comes out of the bedroom of what will happen now. It’s much more peaceful with my husband and I watching a movie without her coming out and commenting very nasty something about the movie. She hated seeing us having any time to ourselves and always got him and I fighting.

Our home we bought 7 years ago when the market was great and bought for a low price, cannot touch it at that price anywhere now. But, if this becomes a thing I am ready to up and move, deal with the consequences of paying a higher mortgage….just to have the rest of my life in peace. I took one positive step this year and changed my phone number. My husband has kept his and that’s who she calls. Hope one day he will be strong enough to change his as well.

 

[MommaTried24]

NewLife4Me, thank you! I struggle with it daily. Yes the alcoholism is like pouring gas on a fire with epilepsy. I refuse to suffer the consequences of self induced seizures after suffering for years with uncontrolled epilepsy before the alcohol use. We had tried everything (including brain surgery) and nothing worked except for cannabis oil. He was finally getting better on that and we were even reducing his medications while on that and then he decided to start drinking. It's been all downhill since. That was when he was 19 and he's 28 now. I've sent him down the road walking with a Ziplock bag full of epilepsy drugs. Hardest things I've ever had to do in my life other than the brain surgery.

STAY strong! Do not let your husband soften you. I feel like all of my hard work in implementing this tough love would be for nothing if I try and help or intervene in his path. It would be like starting all over if I did that before it's time. I haven't seen him in almost 4 years and he's luckily two hours away from me so I pray he never shows up at my door. Please do not let her run you off from your home. We have to stand firm even if that means having restraining orders or having them arrested. Sadly, when my son is in jail is the only time I can somewhat not worry as much. At least I know where he is and he can't drink in there and he gets his medications.

I'm new here so I'm not good at replying to posts but I sure do appreciate you interacting with me this morning. I'll keep you and your husband in my prayers in hopes that our wayward adult children finally see it's them and not us. We would welcome them back with loving arms if they'd just learn some accountability. I've always told my son never be too proud to say you're sorry. He's done just the opposite of everything I've tried to teach him. Now he has chosen to learn the hard way. His choices, his consequences.

Wishing you a good day!

 

[ANewLife4Me]

NewLife4Me, thank you! I struggle with it daily. Yes the alcoholism is like pouring gas on a fire with epilepsy. I refuse to suffer the consequences of self induced seizures after suffering for years with uncontrolled epilepsy before the alcohol use. We had tried everything (including brain surgery) and nothing worked except for cannabis oil. He was finally getting better on that and we were even reducing his medications while on that and then he decided to start drinking. It's been all downhill since. That was when he was 19 and he's 28 now. I've sent him down the road walking with a Ziplock bag full of epilepsy drugs. Hardest things I've ever had to do in my life other than the brain surgery.

STAY strong! Do not let your husband soften you. I feel like all of my hard work in implementing this tough love would be for nothing if I try and help or intervene in his path. It would be like starting all over if I did that before it's time. I haven't seen him in almost 4 years and he's luckily two hours away from me so I pray he never shows up at my door. Please do not let her run you off from your home. We have to stand firm even if that means having restraining orders or having them arrested. Sadly, when my son is in jail is the only time I can somewhat not worry as much. At least I know where he is and he can't drink in there and he gets his medications.

I'm new here so I'm not good at replying to posts but I sure do appreciate you interacting with me this morning. I'll keep you and your husband in my prayers in hopes that our wayward adult children finally see it's them and not us. We would welcome them back with loving arms if they'd just learn some accountability. I've always told my son never be too proud to say you're sorry. He's done just the opposite of everything I've tried to teach him. Now he has chosen to learn the hard way. His choices, his consequences.

Wishing you a good day!

You’re amazing with your posts MamaTried24! I had a sinking feeling with drugs or alcohol it would be so bad for him and am truly sorry that you have fought so hard to end up with how things are now. Sending you love and the biggest hug ever! You tried as your name implies, all the you could and then some. Understanding your worry about him but am glad that you may be on a better path for yourself in dealing with that.

You’re absolutely right, we should not let her run us from our home and hide like some scared little rabbit. The thing with trespassing and restraining orders is unfortunately the cops get there after the fact. I have no problem sending her back to jail as you said, she is safest there. If she comes to the door, tries to talk with me I won’t answer it but say through my Ring camera….Go away am calling the police. If it were that simple would be lovely. She goes into these blackout periods and they scare the living you know what out of me. I just have to let God handle that and pray he will keep me safe if that should happen.

4 years is a long time to have no contact with your son, mine has been over a year now. I hate to say….out of sight, out of mind. I occasionally thought of my daughter once the tears and shock wore off when she left us. But that phone call from jail, her putting herself back into our lives, started it all over again. I pray your son is well and that he is getting the help he needs.

I hope you have a wonderful day. I don’t write technically, just from my heart..

 

[MommaTried24]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate that. The final straw for me was when I allowed him to call me from jail for 3 1/2 months when he was 24. I very nicely reminded him several times that this was his last chance to come home from jail. No drinking, no disrespect and get in a program or he would be homeless. Long story short, he picked a fight to go drink. I locked myself in my bedroom for the night and the next day I came home from work at lunch and blindsided him with get your things, you're leaving. I drove him two hours to where his dad lives and he got in my face when we got there screaming and then hit me with his fist. I left him standing there and cried all the way home.

For about 5 years before that, my boss kept telling me he's going to end up hitting you. He said it was like I had battered wife syndrome with my own son. He ended up being right so my son can never come home now. Totally breaks my heart. He was always such a good kid! He and I were tight and we did everything together for years. Had so much fun and so many good times and great vacations only for him to turn on me like that. Never bite the hand that feeds you and never, ever hit your mother.

So glad to be here on this platform with you and the others. This has been the best thing I've found for understanding and support ever! I am truly grateful.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate that. The final straw for me was when I allowed him to call me from jail for 3 1/2 months when he was 24. I very nicely reminded him several times that this was his last chance to come home from jail. No drinking, no disrespect and get in a program or he would be homeless. Long story short, he picked a fight to go drink. I locked myself in my bedroom for the night and the next day I came home from work at lunch and blindsided him with get your things, you're leaving. I drove him two hours to where his dad lives and he got in my face when we got there screaming and then hit me with his fist. I left him standing there and cried all the way home.

For about 5 years before that, my boss kept telling me he's going to end up hitting you. He said it was like I had battered wife syndrome with my own son. He ended up being right so my son can never come home now. Totally breaks my heart. He was always such a good kid! He and I were tight and we did everything together for years. Had so much fun and so many good times and great vacations only for him to turn on me like that. Never bite the hand that feeds you and never, ever hit your mother.

So glad to be here on this platform with you and the others. This has been the best thing I've found for understanding and support ever! I am truly grateful.

Sorry I cannot stop replying to you today as your son so resembles my daughter. What strength it took you to drive 2 hours and leaving him there! I am so proud of you, hard as that was you knew what needed to be done. He tried you one last time but in truth he showed all his cards about he felt about you by hitting you. We tried that as well with promises made before she had gotten out, I am a changed person was her biggest lie and we fell for it. When medicated my daughter was so kind and sweet, she really does have a good heart. Those medicated moments were always short lived as she removed herself from to begin the schizophrenic cycle all over again.

I am drawing strength from your posts but am so deeply sorry it’s come to this point of how your son is today. Truly it is me who is grateful for all of us sharing our most horrific moments and the steps each of us take to get our lives back. So many my husband works with such as the mother of a 35 year old man, his Mom does everything for him. I just want to shake her and make her see what she is doing, the truth as we know it today. How we fought and are coming through on the other side.

 

[MommaTried24]

Please do reply. This is helping me so much too today. I've been off work and in the bed all day so depressed. I am definitely ready for Mother's Day to be over. Thank you so much for all of your kind words. We knew our kind and sweet, good hearted children before poison got ahold of them. That's the hardest part for me. We know deep down who they really are. I've seen so many mother's (as you've described) in their 70's still enabling grown adults while being verbally and financially abused. They've ruined their lives for an adult child who is still being allowed to never have to change. It's all the reasons why we are trying to stop it now. As hard as it is, how hard to think I'd still be trying to do what I was doing for another 20 years? No thank you!

Bottom line is we will not live forever and our kids must learn to become self sufficient. It's just sad they chose to do it the hard way by making bad choices and being in and out of jail. My son is literally foregoing the leg up I would have provided for him to achieve independence and self sufficiency.

I am praying for you and sending you a big hug too. I'm so deeply sorry you are in this position as well. We must find a way to not let it affect us so drastically so that we can go on with life. My very wise 77 year old friend calls it that invisible umbilical cord we have as their mothers. I could never detach with love. I have to completely detach until he's back to being who he truly is. I also must face the fact that day may never come. I will have to accept and be ok with that too. I just do not have to live with the continued drama and disrespect and I won't.

Let go or be dragged.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Please do reply. This is helping me so much too today. I've been off work and in the bed all day so depressed. I am definitely ready for Mother's Day to be over. Thank you so much for all of your kind words. We knew our kind and sweet, good hearted children before poison got ahold of them. That's the hardest part for me. We know deep down who they really are. I've seen so many mother's (as you've described) in their 70's still enabling grown adults while being verbally and financially abused. They've ruined their lives for an adult child who is still being allowed to never have to change. It's all the reasons why we are trying to stop it now. As hard as it is, how hard to think I'd still be trying to do what I was doing for another 20 years? No thank you!

Bottom line is we will not live forever and our kids must learn to become self sufficient. It's just sad they chose to do it the hard way by making bad choices and being in and out of jail. My son is literally foregoing the leg up I would have provided for him to achieve independence and self sufficiency.

I am praying for you and sending you a big hug too. I'm so deeply sorry you are in this position as well. We must find a way to not let it affect us so drastically so that we can go on with life. My very wise 77 year old friend calls it that invisible umbilical cord we have as their mothers. I could never detach with love. I have to completely detach until he's back to being who he truly is. I also must face the fact that day may never come. I will have to accept and be ok with that too. I just do not have to live with the continued drama and disrespect and I won't.

Let go or be dragged.

You are amazing! I too have had a bit of depression and it happens each time she calls but, I am not allowing it to consume my day or my thoughts anymore. What do we really gain by laying in bed, crying, for me putting myself into a panic attack and being nasty towards my husband? As you said our children have to accept that we won’t be around forever but we also need to heed this advice. Meaning….WE need to live our lives NOW and not loose one precious second of the time God has given us. As another said on here, put a timer on it. If we must be sad go ahead and give in, shed a few tears and be done with it for your day. It’s hard to find joy in our lives but, if we give finding it as much effort as we do being depressed, will find it easier and easier to let go. My exercise machine is set up in what used to be her bedroom and there is where I allow myself a bit of grief but, for only 25 minutes. This has really worked for me and I really am enjoying life more, being the person I know that I can be.

I was thinking of all the Moms here and Mothers Day. We should celebrate fully, we gave birth to them, we raised them with much love, we went above and beyond. It is not we who are to blame but, they who make bad choices…..we have been amazing parents and don’t any of you out there forget this!

 

[MommaTried24]

Good Morning ANewLife4Me! You are the one who is amazing!! I totally love "put a timer on it". I wasted an entire day yesterday being depressed and I'm not going to do that today! Thank you for sharing that because I'm definitely going to try and use it. I also made my son's bedroom an exercise room. I have a bike, a treadmill and a Total Gym in there with a TV. I lost all inspiration to try and take care of myself but I'm going to get up and go for a walk at the park today since it's pretty outside and I'm off work again.

You are right about all of us Moms on here and Mother's Day. We should fully celebrate ourselves because we did do an amazing job raising our kids. I did it by myself, working full time with a child that has epilepsy. All the while with his idiot father and my alcoholic father working against me. I look back now and I don't see how the hell I did it but I did!!! That is truly something to celebrate.

I hope you do something really nice for yourself because you deserve it. We all do. Thanks again for being my friend. You and this online forum have helped me get out of bed today. I feel blessed to be here with you and I'm keeping you in my prayers that your daughter will see the light. Praying God will put someone in her path that will inspire her to change. I've seen it happen with others, it can happen for her too!

Happy Friday!

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Good Morning ANewLife4Me! You are the one who is amazing!! I totally love "put a timer on it". I wasted an entire day yesterday being depressed and I'm not going to do that today! Thank you for sharing that because I'm definitely going to try and use it. I also made my son's bedroom an exercise room. I have a bike, a treadmill and a Total Gym in there with a TV. I lost all inspiration to try and take care of myself but I'm going to get up and go for a walk at the park today since it's pretty outside and I'm off work again.

You are right about all of us Moms on here and Mother's Day. We should fully celebrate ourselves because we did do an amazing job raising our kids. I did it by myself, working full time with a child that has epilepsy. All the while with his idiot father and my alcoholic father working against me. I look back now and I don't see how the hell I did it but I did!!! That is truly something to celebrate.

I hope you do something really nice for yourself because you deserve it. We all do. Thanks again for being my friend. You and this online forum have helped me get out of bed today. I feel blessed to be here with you and I'm keeping you in my prayers that your daughter will see the light. Praying God will put someone in her path that will inspire her to change. I've seen it happen with others, it can happen for her too!

Happy Friday!

Good morning and Happy Friday! I am so very thrilled for you that you’re going to take charge and do something nice for YOU today! A walk in the park sounds heavenly! They say to take a moment to smell the roses, there is a truth in that for all of taking a moment to give thanks, to reflect in a good way and be joyful for all we do have in our life. We absolutely must continue on no matter what in life. What if we were told we had cancer? How would this affect us going forward? Be depressed and cry or live every second to the maximum? I know what people do who suffer this horrible disease, they thrive and it’s the very best of their life they have left to live and die with peace in their heart.

I am a diabetic who let myself get out of control due to depression, my sugars in the 500’s and my kidneys were failing. Took control of myself about 4 months ago eating better but not perfect. I exercise everyday except for Sunday to give my muscles a rest and repair. My sugars down into the lower 200’s now. Not good but much better than before. I cheat and have pizza, my favorite! Seeing changes on the outside of my body encourages me to continue and my kidneys are much better as well. We get so depressed and or anxiety we don’t have a clue what’s happening on the inside until it’s too late. Realizing I was killing myself made me change quick! Am an emotional eater so why I have my pizza but, anything positive we can do for our minds and body….might add several years back for us to enjoy.

My husband and I are going to have a BBQ this weekend, we just figured it out this morning. It’s hot as h*ll here in Florida so we spend a small amount of time outside and scoot right back in..

Have a wonderful day! Tell me when you get back how the park was. You’re a blessing to this board and a friend. Thank you for thinking the same of me.