To write a letter or not? Opinions please.

[ANewLife4Me]

Since my daughter tried to call from the jail last week has me thinking….should I write her a letter or not? She should already know why we are not answering her calls - bailing her out - not visiting her - no money on her books. She has never understood boundaries and just keeps at us until she gets her way. Do you think a letter would help to assert our decisions further to her and help her to start seeking out help while still in jail?

Or, would a letter cutting off her last ray of hope make her mental worse and try suicide again? It’s the reason I have not written one yet as I would hate to make her mental state worse. But at the same time she could be helping herself by talking to other inmates, what they do. Talking to her social worker and or an in jail therapist.

I just cannot decide.

 

[newstart]

ANewLife4Me, I understand your confusion and pain. The best thing you can do is sit quietly and ask God for divine guidance as to what direction you should take. For me personally, cutting my daughter off from all communication hit her so deep down that she made a change. She knew I was wore out. I must admit that doing that was extremely painful for me but it was the ONLY way I could get her to get a grip within herself. I did way too much for her. I finally let her take the falls and she learned from it. My daughter was way off track, bipolar/borderline, hair pulling, lying etc. I completely stepped out of her life to force her BS back to herself. I prayed hard, studied hard. Only you can decide what is right for you and what you can live with. I came to the realization that my daughter was keeping me hostage with her BS. I pray for your peace and a good night sleep.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

ANewLife4Me, I understand your confusion and pain. The best thing you can do is sit quietly and ask God for divine guidance as to what direction you should take. For me personally, cutting my daughter off from all communication hit her so deep down that she made a change. She knew I was wore out. I must admit that doing that was extremely painful for me but it was the ONLY way I could get her to get a grip within herself. I did way too much for her. I finally let her take the falls and she learned from it. My daughter was way off track, bipolar/borderline, hair pulling, lying etc. I completely stepped out of her life to force her BS back to herself. I prayed hard, studied hard. Only you can decide what is right for you and what you can live with. I came to the realization that my daughter was keeping me hostage with her BS. I pray for your peace and a good night sleep.

Thank you very much newstart, am so sorry you also had to take it that far to get any sort of reaction/change from her. Having tried everything but her actually living on the streets is the last straw, if this does not wake her up….nothing will..

The main purpose of a letter is to tell her not to show up at our house when she gets out. We are her only “help” with the jail being a short walk to our home only makes sense to me she will be here. I fear it so much, not only her violence but also my weakness. Seeing the actual truth of what your saying makes sense, cut off all communication hopefully has the same effect on my daughter as yours.

I am trying to learn to do as you say, it’s a tough road and so painful as all of us know too well. So far so good, it’s the first time in my daughters life we have stayed true to what we told her.

 

[healinginside]

anewlife,

You are doing so well on this board! I see you seeking help, working on yourself, and making so much progress.

My son's hearing is tomorrow. I come on this board to read everyone's posts quite frequently and your posts have helped me a lot.

My personal opinion (others may have a different or better view) is to hold off on the letter. She will probably end up writing you and right now you "hold the power" of peace in the relationship. If you write the letter, then you are going to stress to see the response, blame yourself if you find out something isn't going well in the jail, and then ruminate over the whole situation (that's what I would probably do). I had to send my son a letter and I was very hesitant to say much in the letter. I didn't want to be negative because I knew he is facing sobriety and hell in there, so I let it be.

One thing that I've had to remember is that every communication you send them - phone, text, letter is monitored and if they write something to you that is incriminating - it can be used against them in a court of law. I've seen so many cases lately where they read the jail phone conversations and it frightens me.

It has been the worst going through this as it is his first time (even though we knew it would happen eventually) in actual jail.

I've been going through it every day - why does this happen to us? What causes mental health issues? Where did I go wrong?

I've replayed a couple of his big mistakes in my head and I just know I can't have him back in the house again.

So what's worse for tomorrow - he gets a sentence or he doesn't and then I have to tell him he can't come here knowing that is probably his only place to land after this debacle. How could I WANT my child to get a sentence???? I've decided that I only want what is best for him and it is out of my control. This whole case is out of my control. I can't come in and save him. I mean, I could get a lawyer, drive hours and states away to be there, tell them he will stay with me and I will be responsible, drive him home, buy him new clothes, How I wish I could do that and be NORMAL again. but I can't.

You are going amazing because you have been helping YOU - for once and for the first time! And you are doing great -just keep going!!
You are helping others more than you know.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

anewlife,

You are doing so well on this board! I see you seeking help, working on yourself, and making so much progress.

My son's hearing is tomorrow. I come on this board to read everyone's posts quite frequently and your posts have helped me a lot.

My personal opinion (others may have a different or better view) is to hold off on the letter. She will probably end up writing you and right now you "hold the power" of peace in the relationship. If you write the letter, then you are going to stress to see the response, blame yourself if you find out something isn't going well in the jail, and then ruminate over the whole situation (that's what I would probably do). I had to send my son a letter and I was very hesitant to say much in the letter. I didn't want to be negative because I knew he is facing sobriety and hell in there, so I let it be.

One thing that I've had to remember is that every communication you send them - phone, text, letter is monitored and if they write something to you that is incriminating - it can be used against them in a court of law. I've seen so many cases lately where they read the jail phone conversations and it frightens me.

It has been the worst going through this as it is his first time (even though we knew it would happen eventually) in actual jail.

I've been going through it every day - why does this happen to us? What causes mental health issues? Where did I go wrong?

I've replayed a couple of his big mistakes in my head and I just know I can't have him back in the house again.

So what's worse for tomorrow - he gets a sentence or he doesn't and then I have to tell him he can't come here knowing that is probably his only place to land after this debacle. How could I WANT my child to get a sentence???? I've decided that I only want what is best for him and it is out of my control. This whole case is out of my control. I can't come in and save him. I mean, I could get a lawyer, drive hours and states away to be there, tell them he will stay with me and I will be responsible, drive him home, buy him new clothes, How I wish I could do that and be NORMAL again. but I can't.

You are going amazing because you have been helping YOU - for once and for the first time! And you are doing great -just keep going!!
You are helping others more than you know.

Wow healinginside you have floored me! Thank you so very, very much!

It’s amazing you are having the very same issue and thoughts about a child in jail, I am so very sorry that we have this in common but am so grateful for your concern.

You and I need to keep each other strong! Please reach out to me if you just need to chat more in depth. Each court hearing puts me on edge and makes me so nervous, will say an extra prayer for you today. I am very happy though to read you are going to focus on yourself and your needs, am SO proud of you! You mentioned this was his first time in jail and yet here you are, letting him receive the full impact of his actions. I don’t wish a sentence on my daughter as well but it keeps her longer off the streets and longer of her not coming to my house. We don’t want this of course, worst thing we can imagine, it’s hard to think of anything bad for our children. You asked why does this happen to us? What causes mental issues and what did we do wrong? I know for a fact that we are caring, loving, wonderful parents who while not perfect and made a few mistakes….we gave them heart, body and soul. They and I repeat THEY made these choices, there is nothing we could have done or said to change the outcome. As far as mental issues, certainly have no control over that, it’s a brain issue and I also believe in the genes. My family has a huge history of mental illness. Why we have to suffer so, I will never understand that one, have to believe that He will step in when I can bear no more. You have made the decision to not let him live with you ever again as I have with mine. This is such torture thinking upon what the streets are actually like but, this is another lesson they will have to find for themselves and I must come to peace about that as this time it’s for me, it’s for you….we deserve a life that we gave away YEARS on helping them. We did not fail and possibly their mental has not helped their situation but, they can take medicine and have therapy yet, they refuse.

How I felt your words on getting a lawyer, clothes, driving such a distance….oh have I been there. They will accept/take any help you give them with no gratitude for doing so! My daughter’s way out of that is, well…. I don’t ask you for money/help but, if you offer I am going to take it. Ouch!

Thankfully my daughter cannot write me as she needs money in her commissary to buy a postcard. Last time she was in and we had received this postcard was an inmate who was released and gave her one. Husband and I decided if we get another it’s going right into the shredder, will not even read it. I am going to do as you said and not write to her. Even though it’s my feeling fear of her coming here after getting out, she might still be determined that she can manipulate me somehow face to face.

 

[MommaTried24]

I am so right there with the both of you. Sad when they go to jail but I get what you're saying about them being locked up. I know that it's the only time I don't worry about him being homeless. He is about to get out next Tuesday and it's awful to say I'm dreading it. He cannot ever live under my roof again so I'm praying he doesn't call and ask. I haven't seen him in 3 1/2 years and he's two hours south of me. The last time I saw him he hit me with his fist. At least in jail he gets his medications, isn't out in the elements and can't drink. Been incarcerated since December 1st this time and I've not heard from him at all. I sent him a birthday card in February but that was it. So thankful to be able to come here and not feel alone. All of your posts are helping me. Thank you.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I am so right there with the both of you. Sad when they go to jail but I get what you're saying about them being locked up. I know that it's the only time I don't worry about him being homeless. He is about to get out next Tuesday and it's awful to say I'm dreading it. He cannot ever live under my roof again so I'm praying he doesn't call and ask. I haven't seen him in 3 1/2 years and he's two hours south of me. The last time I saw him he hit me with his fist. At least in jail he gets his medications, isn't out in the elements and can't drink. Been incarcerated since December 1st this time and I've not heard from him at all. I sent him a birthday card in February but that was it. So thankful to be able to come here and not feel alone. All of your posts are helping me. Thank you.

So sad MommaTried24, 3 and a half years. I always have renewed hope each time my daughter has been released from jail, she seemed to have her act together, was on medication. For 2 weeks last time she came back with us they had given her a magic pill it seemed! This was the daughter I yearned for my whole life. Crushed beyond belief when she stopped taking the medication and back to her old self and ways. It’s been proven time and again that they CAN do it, they really can. I don’t understand why they continue to lead these dreadful lives but, that’s my opinion. To them living the way they do is so normal and they love it. I pray your son will do this turn around as my daughter shortly did but hopefully he sticks with it. As you said he’s on medication, safe place to live, my daughter says she found God and is a changed person in jail. Oh the “words” sound amazing don’t they? In my daughters case I think it’s going to be a rinse and repeat as NewLeaf says, she will be right back to jail in no time I am betting.

 

[Nomad]

This type of thing is the age old question. Tough love very often works with young people. It's advisable as it very much helps them see reality. However, what of people who are mentally ill? Is it just being, for lack of a better way of putting it, sort of unkind? If you think she might respond to any letter you write in a manner that might incriminate her legally or cause you mega stress, then I would factor that into your decision. But, at some point, a letter might be good. Perhaps one reinforcing boundaries and that you do love her but absolutely can not and will not tolerate certain behaviors and/or the breaking of boundaries. That you always hope for the best for her, but again...reinforcing boundaries. The word that we must practically write on our hands to contemplate / remember throughout each day. (Wish they would too!) Blessings.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

This type of thing is the age old question. Tough love very often works with young people. It's advisable as it very much helps them see reality. However, what of people who are mentally ill? Is it just being, for lack of a better way of putting it, sort of unkind? If you think she might respond to any letter you write in a manner that might incriminate her legally or cause you mega stress, then I would factor that into your decision. But, at some point, a letter might be good. Perhaps one reinforcing boundaries and that you do love her but absolutely can not and will not tolerate certain behaviors and/or the breaking of boundaries. That you always hope for the best for her, but again...reinforcing boundaries. The word that we must practically write on our hands to contemplate / remember throughout each day. (Wish they would too!) Blessings.

The letter would be concerning more of my fear of her coming straight to my home after she is released. Would tell her, in a loving way, that we cannot help anymore…she has to take control of her life. I don’t think she would take it in a positive way, she is always negative so why my crisis of writing or not. Thinking more on it, most likely she would not read the letter in its entirety, she would throw it away, right away. Most likely thinking….when Mommy knows I am definitely on the streets with nothing she will help. She knows in our talks before this is my greatest fear for her. It’s just going to have to happen as it’s the very last thing that she has not gone through yet.

 

[Copabanana]

Or, would a letter cutting off her last ray of hope make her mental worse and try suicide again?

I think the issue here is you learning to calm yourself, stay in yourself, and stay in the present. It really has nothing to do with your daughter, even though you think it does. If you were to calm yourself, in the present--you would return to yourself and your life. You are perseverating about something that is not an issue now. The thing is your daughter will return or not to your house, if she wants, whether you tell her 1 time or 100 times.

The main purpose of a letter is to tell her not to show up at our house when she gets out.

I think to send the letter might be very hurtful to her and potentially destabilizing and would serve no purpose at all, even to you. You will not return to calm until you realize you're the one who, all alone, without acting, has the capacity to calm yourself.

My personal opinion (others may have a different or better view) is to hold off on the letter. She will probably end up writing you and right now you "hold the power" of peace in the relationship.

I agree with all healinginside writes.

I always have renewed hope each time my daughter has been released from jail, she seemed to have her act together, was on medication.

Your daughter will or will not make her own hope based upon her own choices. We make our own hope based upon our own actions.

Crushed beyond belief when she stopped taking the medication a

This is what happens when we base our own well-being on the actions or attitudes of another person over whom we have no control.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I think the issue here is you learning to calm yourself, stay in yourself, and stay in the present. It really has nothing to do with your daughter, even though you think it does. If you were to calm yourself, in the present--you would return to yourself and your life. You are perseverating about something that is not an issue now. The thing is your daughter will return or not to your house, if she wants, whether you tell her 1 time or 100 times.

I think to send the letter might be very hurtful to her and potentially destabilizing and would serve no purpose at all, even to you. You will not return to calm until you realize you're the one who, all alone, without acting, has the capacity to calm yourself.

I agree with all healinginside writes.

Your daughter will or will not make her own hope based upon her own choices. We make our own hope based upon our own actions.

This is what happens when we base our own wel-being on the actions or attitudes of another person over whom we have control.

It definitely is more about me than her, you are correct. Having had her attack me, destroying my home has given me a real fear in me that I cannot shake. Having always been the person to have my ducks in a row, to take care of things before they are even given a chance to start is my fault and not hers.

I do hope the jail and or lawyer helps her out in some way and my fear of her coming to my home will be for not.

 

[Copabanana]

to take care of things before they are even given a chance to start is my fault and not hers.

This is not a fault, it's an attribute. But we can't control everything. And we need an attribute where we can
deal with life when we can't control it. (Which is nearly all of the time.) This is what you're working to develop now.

my fear of her coming to my home will be for not.

It is your work now to handle this fear. Writing the letter will not help with the fear. Finding a way to soothe yourself, distract yourself, choose to identify with something other than the fear--that is what will help you, I believe.

 

[Copabanana]

I fear it so much, not only her violence but also my weakness.

You are not weak. There is nobody on earth I believe who would have an easy time with this situation.

You can think about what you are going through now is a workout to strengthen you. A way to bulk up or beef up when confronting difficult challenges.

The key here is to become stronger, not weaker. When you tell yourself you are weak, you weaken yourself. When you tell yourself you have strength you strengthen yourself. This is a true thing.

I am having a hard day today. I just read this (to paraphrase): a day where gratitude is greater than expectation is a good day.
When I read that and held it in my mind, I felt better. I can go to gratitude as easy or easier than I can go to lamentation. You can too.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

You are not weak. There is nobody on earth I believe who would have an easy time with this situation.

You can think about what you are going through now is a workout to strengthen you. A way to bulk up or beef up when confronting difficult challenges.

The key here is to become stronger, not weaker. When you tell yourself you are weak, you weaken yourself. When you tell yourself you have strength you strengthen yourself. This is a true thing.

I am having a hard day today. I just read this (to paraphrase): a day where gratitude is greater than expectation is a good day.
When I read that and held it in my mind, I felt better. I can go to gratitude as easy or easier than I can go to lamentation. You can too.

I am so sorry your having a bad day today, sending you a warm hug! Know that you are right on building up strength instead of weakness. Love the thought of a workout building strength, bulking up.

Wishing none of us had bad days, hopefully it’s something you can write about here and get off your chest. So much support here is amazing.