Stages of pain

ANewLife4Me

Active Member
I see things so much clearer today, I read every book and article that I can get my hands on. Thinking on my whole situation with my daughter it’s like stages, almost as if when someone close to us dies….

Stage 1 - is what I am calling the active stage. Rushing to her rescue time and again. Running her to court appointments, mandatory drug testing, automobile safety classes, AAA meetings. Buying everything she needs to start life over as in jail you leave there with the clothes on your back, nothing more. Lots of $$$$ spent and also paying her court fines until she had gotten a job. Helped get her license back multiple times, let her pay hardly nothing to live with us so she could save for a car.

Stage 2 - more of the active stage, the day to day living together yet again. The uneasiness, the fear, when will the next shoe drop feeling as she can be violent. She did nothing to help us around the house, even though promises were made and instead slept all day - up all night. Even her alarm clock she would not get up for and we would wake ourselves up at 3am banging on her door to wake up, so she would get to work on time.

Stage 3 - She up and leaves us. It’s going to be much better living out of my car than living with you 2! I called the cops as a witness and out of fear she would hurt us. She used us to the very last minute on this day and took a long shower and washed her clothes. Longest night of my life until she was gone.

Stage 4 - Hurt. Tears and more tears, sadness, depression. I sat for months doing practically nothing. Every song, movie, going outside was just a flood of memories that I could not bear. Having to deal with Thanksgiving and Christmas memories ontop of this had me in tears, gut wrenching - soul destroying tears. My every waking thought is of her. Question upon question. Why? What? How? Is she okay? Is she getting enough to eat? Does she have her job? Through Facebook I found out she gave up her great jobs and was a stripper. Wow! New feelings of anger and shame should someone know who’s daughter she is. 😔

Stage 5 - Empowerment The books I read gave me the answers I was finally looking for and what I needed to do and change it! I am an enabler and co-dependent to my children. My son also gave me an ah hah moment when he said, “You want to have no communication with her but yet you left the door open.” I was like what?!?! He said you never changed your phone number. I felt stupid and said you’re right! Took me awhile of back and forth but on the very day I was thinking to do it, a bail bondsman called me and acted like he was sure I was going to pay. I said no, tell her when you speak with her that we love her, but are not helping anymore. I changed my phone number that very night.

Stage 6 - Acceptance I still have a few outbursts of tears, I still have her on my mind 24/7 but, I cannot change her. I have accepted my part in continuing to enable this behavior and not letting her figure things out on her own. I accept that God needs to take this out of my hands and let Him help her where I cannot.

Hope - I have hope that one day she will truly make changes in her life. She has not hit rock bottom yet even after all she has been through. I need to see REAL change, not just a day or a month. It’s the only way I can accept her into my arms ever again. ❤️
 
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Estherfromjerusalem

Well-Known Member
Michelle Nathan, I can't give you advice because I haven't been through all that you have, but I wanted you to know that when I read this, I felt your pain so strongly. I too have a son who took us through a lot of stages, but it wasn't as extreme as what you have described. I haven't written about it although I am a very old member of this group. I will write about it some time, but I don't want to hijack your post.

So I just wanted to send you a really good strong hug and hope that when it happens that she hits rock bottom, somehow the right path will appear for her and for you.

Love, Esther
 

ANewLife4Me

Active Member
Michelle Nathan, I can't give you advice because I haven't been through all that you have, but I wanted you to know that when I read this, I felt your pain so strongly. I too have a son who took us through a lot of stages, but it wasn't as extreme as what you have described. I haven't written about it although I am a very old member of this group. I will write about it some time, but I don't want to hijack your post.

So I just wanted to send you a really good strong hug and hope that when it happens that she hits rock bottom, somehow the right path will appear for her and for you.

Love, Esther
Thank you Esther for your kind words. ❤️ I do hope you will write about your son, it’s freeing to put feelings into words. I am sorry that you have gone through stages but pray that you have the strength to continue for yourself and pray your son turns around. 🥰
 
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