ANewLife4Me
Active Member
I see things so much clearer today, I read every book and article that I can get my hands on. Thinking on my whole situation with my daughter it’s like stages, almost as if when someone close to us dies….
Stage 1 - is what I am calling the active stage. Rushing to her rescue time and again. Running her to court appointments, mandatory drug testing, automobile safety classes, AAA meetings. Buying everything she needs to start life over as in jail you leave there with the clothes on your back, nothing more. Lots of $$$$ spent and also paying her court fines until she had gotten a job. Helped get her license back multiple times, let her pay hardly nothing to live with us so she could save for a car.
Stage 2 - more of the active stage, the day to day living together yet again. The uneasiness, the fear, when will the next shoe drop feeling as she can be violent. She did nothing to help us around the house, even though promises were made and instead slept all day - up all night. Even her alarm clock she would not get up for and we would wake ourselves up at 3am banging on her door to wake up, so she would get to work on time.
Stage 3 - She up and leaves us. It’s going to be much better living out of my car than living with you 2! I called the cops as a witness and out of fear she would hurt us. She used us to the very last minute on this day and took a long shower and washed her clothes. Longest night of my life until she was gone.
Stage 4 - Hurt. Tears and more tears, sadness, depression. I sat for months doing practically nothing. Every song, movie, going outside was just a flood of memories that I could not bear. Having to deal with Thanksgiving and Christmas memories ontop of this had me in tears, gut wrenching - soul destroying tears. My every waking thought is of her. Question upon question. Why? What? How? Is she okay? Is she getting enough to eat? Does she have her job? Through Facebook I found out she gave up her great jobs and was a stripper. Wow! New feelings of anger and shame should someone know who’s daughter she is.
Stage 5 - Empowerment The books I read gave me the answers I was finally looking for and what I needed to do and change it! I am an enabler and co-dependent to my children. My son also gave me an ah hah moment when he said, “You want to have no communication with her but yet you left the door open.” I was like what?!?! He said you never changed your phone number. I felt stupid and said you’re right! Took me awhile of back and forth but on the very day I was thinking to do it, a bail bondsman called me and acted like he was sure I was going to pay. I said no, tell her when you speak with her that we love her, but are not helping anymore. I changed my phone number that very night.
Stage 6 - Acceptance I still have a few outbursts of tears, I still have her on my mind 24/7 but, I cannot change her. I have accepted my part in continuing to enable this behavior and not letting her figure things out on her own. I accept that God needs to take this out of my hands and let Him help her where I cannot.
Hope - I have hope that one day she will truly make changes in her life. She has not hit rock bottom yet even after all she has been through. I need to see REAL change, not just a day or a month. It’s the only way I can accept her into my arms ever again.
Stage 1 - is what I am calling the active stage. Rushing to her rescue time and again. Running her to court appointments, mandatory drug testing, automobile safety classes, AAA meetings. Buying everything she needs to start life over as in jail you leave there with the clothes on your back, nothing more. Lots of $$$$ spent and also paying her court fines until she had gotten a job. Helped get her license back multiple times, let her pay hardly nothing to live with us so she could save for a car.
Stage 2 - more of the active stage, the day to day living together yet again. The uneasiness, the fear, when will the next shoe drop feeling as she can be violent. She did nothing to help us around the house, even though promises were made and instead slept all day - up all night. Even her alarm clock she would not get up for and we would wake ourselves up at 3am banging on her door to wake up, so she would get to work on time.
Stage 3 - She up and leaves us. It’s going to be much better living out of my car than living with you 2! I called the cops as a witness and out of fear she would hurt us. She used us to the very last minute on this day and took a long shower and washed her clothes. Longest night of my life until she was gone.
Stage 4 - Hurt. Tears and more tears, sadness, depression. I sat for months doing practically nothing. Every song, movie, going outside was just a flood of memories that I could not bear. Having to deal with Thanksgiving and Christmas memories ontop of this had me in tears, gut wrenching - soul destroying tears. My every waking thought is of her. Question upon question. Why? What? How? Is she okay? Is she getting enough to eat? Does she have her job? Through Facebook I found out she gave up her great jobs and was a stripper. Wow! New feelings of anger and shame should someone know who’s daughter she is.
Stage 5 - Empowerment The books I read gave me the answers I was finally looking for and what I needed to do and change it! I am an enabler and co-dependent to my children. My son also gave me an ah hah moment when he said, “You want to have no communication with her but yet you left the door open.” I was like what?!?! He said you never changed your phone number. I felt stupid and said you’re right! Took me awhile of back and forth but on the very day I was thinking to do it, a bail bondsman called me and acted like he was sure I was going to pay. I said no, tell her when you speak with her that we love her, but are not helping anymore. I changed my phone number that very night.
Stage 6 - Acceptance I still have a few outbursts of tears, I still have her on my mind 24/7 but, I cannot change her. I have accepted my part in continuing to enable this behavior and not letting her figure things out on her own. I accept that God needs to take this out of my hands and let Him help her where I cannot.
Hope - I have hope that one day she will truly make changes in her life. She has not hit rock bottom yet even after all she has been through. I need to see REAL change, not just a day or a month. It’s the only way I can accept her into my arms ever again.
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