It Could All Change In An Instant

[New Leaf]

And it did. I took Tornado to the sober home last Friday. She was disappointed that her room was small and that she had a roommate. She wished she didn’t “mess things up” for the last place, as it was better. I reminded her that she was blessed to find a place and to be accepted so soon. That it was better than living under a bridge, or a jail cell.
She had been talking with a man she met in rehab, her new “boyfriend”, which was a big red flag for me. It is a pattern I well recognize, as she has chosen her relationships in the past over her children, her sobriety.
She went to visit him last Sunday, and has been off radar since. Didn’t go back to the clean and sober house, missed court on Wednesday. She went from texting or calling me daily to zilch.
Her “boyfriend” has a bench warrant for violating his probation, so I am guessing that he left his rehab with Tornado. She posted a rather yucky video selfie of them kissing. Ew.
One step forward, five steps backward. What a bizarre game of “Mother May I?” “No you may not——- stay in the sober house, go to classes, go to court.”
If only we had that influence, but we do not.
Relapse is common.
That’s what they say about addiction.
The answer to all the questions this sad mother would pose is the same.
Addiction.
But I still ask them silently in my head.
“How could you give up your family, your children, your grandchildren, for this man you hardly know?” Addiction.
“How could you give up the gains you made in sobriety?” Addiction.
I have to comfort myself and hold on to the blessing of the few moments I did see glimmers of her inner light.
I sent her a text telling her that I love her and hope that she is safe, that she takes the opportunity to turn things around.
No reply.
She is out there, somewhere, again.
We are here, left to mend our hearts once more.
I still have hope that one day she will wake up.
Prayers going up.
Leaf

 

[Nandina]

New Leaf, I’m so very sorry to hear this. It was a start, she did it once and she could do it again.

The one step forward, five steps back is a familiar one to many of us but I pray that the steps back will become fewer and fewer as she continues to seek sobriety and that inner light you were fortunate enough to see. It’s just so hard being on the other end of that yo-yo.

I send you warm hugs and prayers of strength as you continue to support her when she is making the effort. May she always feel your love.

 

[ksm]

I'm so sorry. I know you, like most of us, have lowered our expectations. But it still hurts our soul.

Ksm

 

[Fairy dust]

I am so sorry. When I read this that all to familiar sinking feeling settled into my stomach. Over and over we try so hard for these kids. I don’t think they understand how their chaos and drama impacts us. The heart wrenching thing is that We literally have no control , only with how we mend our broken hearts and keep walking for ourselves and those we love. Hugs to you. .

 

[lovemysons]

Where there is life…there is hope.

Hugs and love Leaf.
Take care of yourself and those you can.
LMS

 

[New Leaf]

I have to find sanity somewhere in between hope and despair. That’s the thought I woke up to this morning, as I have many mornings through these years.

New Leaf, I’m so very sorry to hear this. It was a start, she did it once and she could do it again.

Tornado has been bouncing between the streets, bench warrants, jail, rehab and the latest- sober homes for 6 years. So it was one of many starts. Sigh. I just have to learn to stay even keeled through it all Nandina.

The one step forward, five steps back is a familiar one to many of us but I pray that the steps back will become fewer and fewer as she continues to seek sobriety and that inner light you were fortunate enough to see. It’s just so hard being on the other end of that yo-yo.

It is an all too familiar pattern. I am hoping that each time she practices sobriety she will come to see that chasing the dragon is much harder than sober living.

I send you warm hugs and prayers of strength as you continue to support her when she is making the effort. May she always feel your love.

Thank you Nandina, your words of support and comfort mean so much. The sanity between hope and despair is prayer.

I'm so sorry. I know you, like most of us, have lowered our expectations. But it still hurts our soul.

It does hurt KSM. My expectations lie somewhere within noting patterns, hoping for the best but knowing the challenges and not so subtle signs of repetitive behaviors. It is what it is. One thing that I have learned is that there is support within the system that Tornado can avail herself of. That will help me in the future to make better decisions as to dealing with that mother urge to overstep. Not that I regret offering my place for the few days before she entered the sober home. She was doing the work. Unfortunately, this relationship helped to steer her off course.

I am so sorry. When I read this that all to familiar sinking feeling settled into my stomach. Over and over we try so hard for these kids. I don’t think they understand how their chaos and drama impacts us. The heart wrenching thing is that We literally have no control , only with how we mend our broken hearts and keep walking for ourselves and those we love. Hugs to you. .

So true Fairy dust, the sinking feeling, the trying. The no control.
Focus on walking for ourselves and those we love. That is key. Hugs back.

Where there is life…there is hope.

Hugs and love Leaf.
Take care of yourself and those you can.

I am telling myself that LMS, where there is life, there is hope. Trying to look at the positives that Tornado made it a little further than before. Hoping that she will reflect on those sober moments. Hoping that she will remember her own words of “How good it feels to not be on the streets and paranoid.”
Thank you so much LMS, hugs and love to you. I will be working on building myself back up and holding my two waywards in prayer.
Many thanks to all for your prayers and kind thoughts and support. I will be okay. Admittedly a bit dazed.
Leaf

 

[lovemysons]

Leaf…
I know it’s gut-wrenching Hope.
I don’t have that hope anymore for my son. But I also don’t live waiting. I don’t live with the unknown. I don’t live in limbo. I don’t live with fearfulness. So I know both sides of this story of addiction very well.

My trauma is over. The worst thing in the world DID happen. And I survived it. Know that whatever happens you will survive too Leaf. They really don’t mean to hurt us so much over and over again for years if not decades. Like you said…it is addiction. And you never know what might happen next…for better or worse.

Know that you have fellow warrior moms out here praying for you and your daughters.
And also your granddaughter who is living by your example.

Hang in there Leaf.
Here for you.
Love ,
LMS

 

[New Leaf]

Oddly enough I just got off the phone with Tornado. She was crying and couldn’t explain herself clearly, something about the place she was staying at and people being two faced. Then it was about her being the only one with consequences. She told me that when she was sober, (about consequences, being the only one- other people have done worse and get away with it…..) and I told her that she was blessed to have consequences, that is how she is getting so much help, a chance to live a better life.
I asked her when was the last time she used and she admitted it was early in the morning.
So of course it made sense that she wasn’t making sense.
I don’t normally hear from her in such a state. I told her that God loves her and that she still has a chance to make things right. What else can I say?

Know that whatever happens you will survive too Leaf. They really don’t mean to hurt us so much over and over again for years if not decades. Like you said…it is addiction. And you never know what might happen next…for better or worse.

This has always been on my mind LMS, that the worst could happen. That reality is no longer a catalyst for enabling. I used to think if I did this or that, maybe…..? I can’t stop whatever consequences occur, I have no control over their choices. It was Tornado who said that she learned in her classes that the end result of continuous using is prison or death.
I know Tornado and Rain are not intentionally hurting their family. But the fact is, it does hurt. There has to be some responsibility there.

Know that you have fellow warrior moms out here praying for you and your daughters.
And also your granddaughter who is living by your example.

Thank you LMS. I am also praying for my fellow warrior moms and their waywards. May we all find peace within, no matter what is swirling around us.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear New Leaf
I am so very sorry that Tornado again has gone off the rails. This is what I think and know: the quicker you bounce yourself out of her story and into yourself, the better you will feel and be.
Her story is NOT your story. You don't have to join her there. Yes, she showed a glimmer of hope, maturity, and understanding, but sobriety takes more than a glimmer. You always knew that. Whether she will put in the work, we don't know. None of us know for our children. It is desperately tragic for us. If we stay in their stories.
But the thing is, this is not all we have. Every single day, I have to tell myself that. That I had 20 good years with my son defined by love and hope. And I am called upon to sustain myself with the same love and hope. And, as much or more, I am more than my story as a mother. I am my story as a whole person. I am my own story. You are not your daughter's story. You are your own beautiful story.
Tornado makes her own story. And nothing can take away this past week of hope. She lived hope, even though she fell back. And so did you, live hope.
Looked at from the bright side, you had the opportunity to meet her and love her in the space of hope. That is a gift for her and for you..
She will remember and you will too. And maybe she will draw on it. I believe she will. I hope she will.
This was a good thing that happened. Yes.
She relapsed. And for a time, she could see and want that sobriety was possible for her.
That is a good thing, New Leaf.
Now, it is time for you to rest. And watch Netflix. Or read a mystery. That's what I do. I recommend Louise Penney.

 

[New Leaf]

That uncomfortable feeling listening to things I do not want to, as well as being so far removed from this world my two choose to live in.

the quicker you bounce yourself out of her story and into yourself, the better you will feel and be.

Yes, this is true. I do not need to be sucked into the tawdry details.

Her story is NOT your story. You don't have to join her there. Yes, she showed a glimmer of hope and maturity and understanding, but sobriety takes more than a glimmer. Whether she will put in the work, we don't know. None of us know for our children. It is desperately tragic for us.

I know that is part of why she called me, to join her in the story, to get me sucked into that vortex. I don’t belong in the center of that world, or anywhere near the edge. It is tragic for us, but who are we to live unscathed by life’s misfortunes and misery? It is what it is and we have to pick ourselves up and move forward.

That I had 20 good years with my son defined by love and hope. And I am called upon to sustain myself with the same love and hope.
Looked at the bright side, you had the opportunity to meet her and love her in the space of hope. That is a gift for her and for you..

It is a gift. There was a time when I began this journey that I could not bear to look back at the beautiful moments we all shared when my girls were younger. It made me too sad and drove my delusions. I see it the same as you Copa, I was blessed to have that time with my children when they were younger. Blessed that they were born healthy and remained so. They were a gift from God, on loan to me until it was time for them to make their own stories.

And for a time, she could see and want that sobriety be possible for her.
That is a good thing, New Leaf.
Now, it is time for you to rest.

It is a good thing.
But it is up to her to do the work.
I will rest and continue to pray for both of my daughters.
Thank you Copa. Your wisdom and gift of writing brings so much comfort.
Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

know that is part of why she called me, to join her in the story, to get me sucked into that vortex.

Who knows? She knew she was captured, maybe you were her way to hold onto hope. She grabbed your leg. Did she do so to pull you in with her or as a last-ditch effort to keep herself out of it? Who knows?

The thing is, you know where you belong. Outside of it. Completely out of it. So that she knows you are there, when she climbs out again, on her own two feet, with her power and intention.

This was a huge success, New Leaf. Really. I mean that.

 

[New Leaf]

To be honest with myself and you all, at this point in processing, I feel as if I am caught up in a bizarre game.

Who knows? She knew she was captured, maybe you were her way to hold onto hope. She grabbed your leg. Did she do so to pull you in with her or as a last-ditch effort to keep herself out of it? Who knows?

Who knows is where I am at. I guess my heart and mind are seeking answers that I shall never know. I suppose it’s natural to go through the grieving steps, and I do feel a bit angry at this point, I feel duped. Manipulated. I know eventually I will pull up again, but after so many years of this “game”, I’m just tired. As LMS stated our waywards do not intentionally hurt us, it is addiction, but at what point do they realize the toll it takes on their family? Tornado went from that crying phone call to hours later texting me asking if her Temu order came in. Huh.

The thing is, you know where you belong. Outside of it. Completely out of it. So that she knows you are there, when she climbs out again, on her own two feet, with her power and intention.

That is the thing, I belong outside of it. The other thing is managing to protect my heart walking that line if and when she decides to climb out. It is a hard learned process. Proceed with caution. Guard your heart. The truth is I will always love her. I do know that my love cannot save her, she needs to choose her path.

This was a huge success, New Leaf. Really. I mean that.

Underneath it all Copa, I do not regret having Tornado here those few days. It is disappointing that she chose as she did, but I do have to look at the silver lining. She was able to interact with family, to take a look at the other side.
I saw a part of her that I have not seen in a long time. I will hold on to that.
The tricky part is to love without enabling, to connect when she is taking steps towards sobriety, to hold myself together when she falters. Rinse, repeat. At this point, I feel like that phone call was her subliminal way to ask, but not ask to come home. She did not ask, and I did not offer. That was hard, but the right thing.
I will try to look at it as a success, that each step taken towards sobriety is a win.
She said that a friend told her if she does not get to detox on Monday, she will go to jail. “I have no choice!” She sobbed. “Of course you have a choice. Go to detox.”
It is completely up to her. The ball is in her court. I will remain prayerful and work at switching focus. Quiet my mind. I do know from experience that is important to process my emotions, otherwise it comes out as health issues. I have been ill with a sinus infection the past few days which plays a big part in my own recovery.
One thing that came to mind as I was writing- when Tornado first entered rehab three years ago, she was still at the point where her choices were “all my fault.” She told me recently that I should not take responsibility for her and her sisters choices, that addicts blame others so that they don’t have to feel responsible for their actions.
That’s a win. Hopefully those lessons learned in the classes she attended will stick, and that she will try again to work towards sobriety.
It is completely up to her.
Thank you for your kindness Copa. I really do appreciate your support and love.
Leaf

 

[KTMom91]

I'm sorry, Leaf. I know you had hopes. Many hugs.

 

[AddictionSucks123]

I am so sorry New Leaf. Hope is such a double edged long sword. Hope can sustain us and it can also bring us to our absolute worst state. It is a gift you had the days you had with her. That is a win along with the non blaming behavior your daughter is now exhibiting. That is wonderful. We think there is nothing we can do but I have learned with mending relationships and communicating better, we can, at least move something in them. It's hard work, very hard work, for us to be in recovery ourselves, and for our loved one, to do theirs.

 

[newstart]

And it did. I took Tornado to the sober home last Friday. She was disappointed that her room was small and that she had a roommate. She wished she didn’t “mess things up” for the last place, as it was better. I reminded her that she was blessed to find a place and to be accepted so soon. That it was better than living under a bridge, or a jail cell.
She had been talking with a man she met in rehab, her new “boyfriend”, which was a big red flag for me. It is a pattern I well recognize, as she has chosen her relationships in the past over her children, her sobriety.
She went to visit him last Sunday, and has been off radar since. Didn’t go back to the clean and sober house, missed court on Wednesday. She went from texting or calling me daily to zilch.
Her “boyfriend” has a bench warrant for violating his probation, so I am guessing that he left his rehab with Tornado. She posted a rather yucky video selfie of them kissing. Ew.
One step forward, five steps backward. What a bizarre game of “Mother May I?” “No you may not——- stay in the sober house, go to classes, go to court.”
If only we had that influence, but we do not.
Relapse is common.
That’s what they say about addiction.
The answer to all the questions this sad mother would pose is the same.
Addiction.
But I still ask them silently in my head.
“How could you give up your family, your children, your grandchildren, for this man you hardly know?” Addiction.
“How could you give up the gains you made in sobriety?” Addiction.
I have to comfort myself and hold on to the blessing of the few moments I did see glimmers of her inner light.
I sent her a text telling her that I love her and hope that she is safe, that she takes the opportunity to turn things around.
No reply.
She is out there, somewhere, again.
We are here, left to mend our hearts once more.
I still have hope that one day she will wake up.
Prayers going up.
Leaf

Oh no New leaf, not the dreaded back sliding. I have felt your words and understand all too clearly the sliding back steps. It is so heart breaking. One of these days I will come on here and read your post that Tornado is makes steps forward and moving forward. It sounds like she is trying to get a jump start on it and then back tracks. I have read about the methadone program that has been successful on getting drug addicts off drugs. You have probably explored that possibility for Tornado. I watched a documentary on it a while back and it seemed promising. Hopefully she soon will give it a jump start again and this time it will take. Of course, this is my prayer for her.

 

[New Leaf]

I’ve been spending the day nursing this cold. Feeling a bit better, thankfully.

I'm sorry, Leaf. I know you had hopes. Many hugs.

I did for sure think that this would be a different story. I still have hopes, KT, I will just need to slow my horses down a bit. Thank you for checking in and for the hugs.

Hope is such a double edged long sword. Hope can sustain us and it can also bring us to our absolute worst state.

That is true AS, hope can definitely feel risky. To have our hopes dashed is painful. Your statement made me search up hope and I found this quote ““We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.
I think when I get too attached to an outcome, that’s when I lose parts of myself and venture down the rabbit hole. I wish things worked out differently, but I have no control over Tornados choices. I have no control over a timeline.

It is a gift you had the days you had with her. That is a win along with the non blaming behavior your daughter is now exhibiting. That is wonderful.

It is wonderful. And it was a blessing to be able to spend time with her when she was sober.

We think there is nothing we can do but I have learned with mending relationships and communicating better, we can, at least move something in them.

I do believe connecting is important but have learned that I need to be discerning.

It's hard work, very hard work, for us to be in recovery ourselves, and for our loved one, to do theirs.

My recovery is more towards adjusting my response to both my daughter’s addiction. For many years the drama and chaos were front and center, and that was killing me. I am a recovering enabler. The work for me is to know when to take a step back, for my health and safety.

Oh no New leaf, not the dreaded back sliding. I have felt your words and understand all too clearly the sliding back steps.

Yup, the dreaded backsliding. One would think I would be used to it by now. I’m not.

It is so heart breaking. One of these days I will come on here and read your post that Tornado is makes steps forward and moving forward

I do so hope that will be true.

Tornado is makes steps forward and moving forward. It sounds like she is trying to get a jump start on it and then back tracks.

The steps she has made are progress. That’s for sure. It is also court mandated. So part of that is it is not initiated by her. I think that is her struggle right now, that she has “no choice”. I told her that rather than lament her consequences, maybe she could look at it as God watching out for her.

. I have read about the methadone program that has been successful on getting drug addicts off drugs. You have probably explored that possibility for Tornado.

I have not explored anything for her, she is an adult and will do as she pleases. I don’t know if methadone works for meth addicts.

Hopefully she soon will give it a jump start again and this time it will take. Of course, this is my prayer for her.

Thank you Newstart, I am hoping the same.

 

[Deni D]

New Leaf, I'm so sorry to hear this. The having hope and accepting what is, one of the hardest things to do, but then what else is there to do?
I'm hoping her recent few days will stick with her and she will try again.
Sending prayers, and love...

 

[Crayola14]

I’m so sorry things went south.

You mentioned she has to go to detox or jail Tuesday. I don’t know how many times she’s been in a treatment center or tried to stop, but they say an average of four times in rehab, then the person eventually quits on their own. We can hope when she gets to detox tomorrow that she will see it through. After she gets the drugs out of her system once again, maybe she will like how it feels to be drug-free and stay clean. Stressors will undoubtedly come that might push her back to using, but maybe with therapy she can learn to handle those triggers.

 

[New Leaf]

I’m trying to find a name for this stage of the journey, where hope and reality bob and weave in the boxing ring of dealing with addicted adult children. One two gut punch-dazed for a bit, get back to your corner Leafy. Get out of the ring Leafy. You all have been such a lifeline in that corner and I am grateful.

The having hope and accepting what is, one of the hardest things to do, but then what else is there to do?

It is hard Deni, what can we do when we do not have control over any of it? Go back to what has helped me all along-writing here, finding mentors who have battled challenges in their lives and come out of it, shake it off. The reality is that my two waywards will choose as they do and I can love them and also let go and let God. That’s the tricky part for me, navigating connecting then pulling back when stuff hits the fan. I do feel that each time I am a bit better at picking up the pieces. I have to be, not just for myself, but for my grands and well children.

I'm hoping her recent few days will stick with her and she will try again.
Sending prayers, and love...

Hopefully she will see that the work she put in is worth it. I mentioned to her when she was sober that it was hard work, but living on the streets chasing that high seemed much harder. She agreed that it is. Thank you so much for your prayers and love, it means so much.
Leaf

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Crayola,
Thank you for your response.

You mentioned she has to go to detox or jail Tuesday. I don’t know how many times she’s been in a treatment center or tried to stop, but they say an average of four times in rehab, then the person eventually quits on their own. We can hope when she gets to detox tomorrow that she will see it through.

Today is the deadline for her to go to detox. If she does, that will be another step forward as her normal is to stay on the streets until she is picked up on a bench warrant. I think she has been to rehab 5 or 6 times. This is her first time making it to sober living, so there is that. I hope she does go to detox. I will know after Wednesday through the court website if she did or not. At least I can keep tabs on her that way.

After she gets the drugs out of her system once again, maybe she will like how it feels to be drug-free and stay clean.

Her last stint in jail was 5 months, then a month at rehab, she said she was clean in jail. I’m hoping that she will realize the difference again.

Stressors will undoubtedly come that might push her back to using, but maybe with therapy she can learn to handle those triggers.

I hope that she will learn and grow from her experiences, good and bad. The ball is in her court.
Thank you Crayola
Leaf