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Adult homeless son calling several times a day
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 690383" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Oh Alaska, I am so sorry. I truly am. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You are getting good thinking here from all of the great people on this board. Sometimes there are just no answers for us, right now, today, to do SOMETHING to make the situation better. </p><p></p><p>It sounds like your son really does have serious mental illness, but like others have said, it's hard to know when they are on drugs. </p><p></p><p>If your son has serious mental illness, and he won't get help, there isn't much you can do, in my view. I know you love him so much, and it is so painful to watch someone self-destruct especially when there is help, and they won't take it. But it's true that adults have to see that there is a path forward to a better life, and they have to get on that path and work hard to comply with treatment. If they don't, and they won't, what can anybody do, and that is an awful feeling. Most of us can't stand it, so we keep on and on and on doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING, but it never works. There are many others on this board who are in the same situation as you are.</p><p></p><p>Most of them see their kids in jail for long periods of time---because there is no long term treatment for serious mental illness in our country---but they don't stay in jail, because the jails are overcrowded, and they they are out, and the whole cycle starts again. I can think of nothing worse for any parent, or truly anybody.</p><p></p><p>So...what CAN you do? At this point, I found it very helpful, when my son was completely out of control, and I was in total despair, to start separating myself from him physically, mentally and emotionally. In order to just survive, because I was dying right along with him. I had no other choice. I had to learn how to do this, and believe me, it did not come easy. But first I had to want to. And then I had to work for it. </p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean you stop loving him or seeing him or talking to him...but it might mean that you set boundaries about when you accept phone calls. That is a good starting point. </p><p></p><p>I had to realize that not one thing I had tried to do had changed anything...except making me feel like I was "doing something". I could not stand inaction. I had to learn how to stand inaction. And believe me, that is the hardest lesson I have ever learned, because if we aren't acting, then we are by ourselves in the wilderness with all of those feelings. We have to learn how to separate our feelings from our actions. Another tough tough lesson for us feelings people.</p><p></p><p>So there are two trains of thought here. One, what can you do for him? Others have chimed in with specific ideas about that. Two, what can you do for you? That's what I'm talking about here. </p><p></p><p>I know this is the most awful, wrenching, painful, grief-filled process in the world. Believe me, we are here with you. We do understand to the depths of our being. </p><p></p><p>Please keep posted. We get it, and we care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 690383, member: 17542"] Oh Alaska, I am so sorry. I truly am. You are getting good thinking here from all of the great people on this board. Sometimes there are just no answers for us, right now, today, to do SOMETHING to make the situation better. It sounds like your son really does have serious mental illness, but like others have said, it's hard to know when they are on drugs. If your son has serious mental illness, and he won't get help, there isn't much you can do, in my view. I know you love him so much, and it is so painful to watch someone self-destruct especially when there is help, and they won't take it. But it's true that adults have to see that there is a path forward to a better life, and they have to get on that path and work hard to comply with treatment. If they don't, and they won't, what can anybody do, and that is an awful feeling. Most of us can't stand it, so we keep on and on and on doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING, but it never works. There are many others on this board who are in the same situation as you are. Most of them see their kids in jail for long periods of time---because there is no long term treatment for serious mental illness in our country---but they don't stay in jail, because the jails are overcrowded, and they they are out, and the whole cycle starts again. I can think of nothing worse for any parent, or truly anybody. So...what CAN you do? At this point, I found it very helpful, when my son was completely out of control, and I was in total despair, to start separating myself from him physically, mentally and emotionally. In order to just survive, because I was dying right along with him. I had no other choice. I had to learn how to do this, and believe me, it did not come easy. But first I had to want to. And then I had to work for it. That doesn't mean you stop loving him or seeing him or talking to him...but it might mean that you set boundaries about when you accept phone calls. That is a good starting point. I had to realize that not one thing I had tried to do had changed anything...except making me feel like I was "doing something". I could not stand inaction. I had to learn how to stand inaction. And believe me, that is the hardest lesson I have ever learned, because if we aren't acting, then we are by ourselves in the wilderness with all of those feelings. We have to learn how to separate our feelings from our actions. Another tough tough lesson for us feelings people. So there are two trains of thought here. One, what can you do for him? Others have chimed in with specific ideas about that. Two, what can you do for you? That's what I'm talking about here. I know this is the most awful, wrenching, painful, grief-filled process in the world. Believe me, we are here with you. We do understand to the depths of our being. Please keep posted. We get it, and we care. [/QUOTE]
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