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Adult son back in jail for the nth time
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<blockquote data-quote="Sister's Keeper" data-source="post: 680097" data-attributes="member: 20051"><p>Grieving, yes. Because the people we knew and loved are already lost to us. This person that loves drugs more than me, more than her own children is a stranger. This isn't the sensitive girl that would cry at the drop of a hat if someone called her a name. I don't know who this selfish creature is. The person who had to be put out of my life because she stole her own addicted premie baby's formula and sold it for drug money. Who the hell does stuff like that? </p><p></p><p>I have a lot of guilt. I know it's misplaced, but but it's there, and it may be the same for you. </p><p></p><p>My story is this. We have the same bio mother and different fathers. When I was in 3rd grade and Sis in 2nd we were removed from our mother's home for neglect. She is an addict/alcoholic. I went to live with my father and stepmother. My father was willing to take Sis, also, but the state wouldn't allow it. Custody of her was given to our maternal aunt, who is our mother's partying buddy. Social services is a messed up agency, so what this "custody" really was was she remained with my mother. I know that Sis was sexually abused by Bio's boyfriend. I have guilt because I had opportunities that she never had. I feel like she never had a chance. When she is angry or pushed about her behavior she will throw this in my face. She later apologizes, but the hurt is still there.</p><p></p><p>I wonder whether with kids mother's feel the guilt, because as mothers we feel like we are supposed to protect our children from hurtful things and we feel guilty because bad things still happened and we couldn't stop them and we can't fix them.</p><p></p><p>I don't kid myself that this is why I have the kids. Not that I don't love them, because I do, like they are my own flesh, but deep down I think I will always feel like I owe her.</p><p></p><p>Intellectually, I know that it wasn't my fault, that I was a child, that I had as much control over the situation as she did, but it's still there.</p><p></p><p>I have learned though, over the years, that I have to detach from her. That I have to let her problems be hers and her responsibility to solve or live with. </p><p></p><p>I'm a big reader. In the novel, "A Tree Grows In Brooklyn" the father, Johnny, is an alcoholic. The mother is always angry at him and is always trying to change him. I am paraphrasing but the aunt says to the mother, "Johnny drinks and he will for the rest of his life. It's just how it is and you love him and have to accept that." The mother, at that point, stops expecting the father to sober up and contribute to the home and she finds a way to provide for her family and lets him go about his business. She still loves him, but she is distanced from him emotionally and there is no more warmth in their relationship.</p><p></p><p>This is how I kind of see myself. I accept who she is. She's an addict. She always will be. I don't support it, but I don't fight it either. It is what it is. I've accepted it. This will seem a bad thing to say, but, at this point, I can't even imagine making a place for her in my life even if she did, miraculously, get her life together.</p><p></p><p>I know she will die as a result. Whether it's an OD, or HIV, or hepatitis, or someone on the street kills her, I have stopped dreaming of a good ending to this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sister's Keeper, post: 680097, member: 20051"] Grieving, yes. Because the people we knew and loved are already lost to us. This person that loves drugs more than me, more than her own children is a stranger. This isn't the sensitive girl that would cry at the drop of a hat if someone called her a name. I don't know who this selfish creature is. The person who had to be put out of my life because she stole her own addicted premie baby's formula and sold it for drug money. Who the hell does stuff like that? I have a lot of guilt. I know it's misplaced, but but it's there, and it may be the same for you. My story is this. We have the same bio mother and different fathers. When I was in 3rd grade and Sis in 2nd we were removed from our mother's home for neglect. She is an addict/alcoholic. I went to live with my father and stepmother. My father was willing to take Sis, also, but the state wouldn't allow it. Custody of her was given to our maternal aunt, who is our mother's partying buddy. Social services is a messed up agency, so what this "custody" really was was she remained with my mother. I know that Sis was sexually abused by Bio's boyfriend. I have guilt because I had opportunities that she never had. I feel like she never had a chance. When she is angry or pushed about her behavior she will throw this in my face. She later apologizes, but the hurt is still there. I wonder whether with kids mother's feel the guilt, because as mothers we feel like we are supposed to protect our children from hurtful things and we feel guilty because bad things still happened and we couldn't stop them and we can't fix them. I don't kid myself that this is why I have the kids. Not that I don't love them, because I do, like they are my own flesh, but deep down I think I will always feel like I owe her. Intellectually, I know that it wasn't my fault, that I was a child, that I had as much control over the situation as she did, but it's still there. I have learned though, over the years, that I have to detach from her. That I have to let her problems be hers and her responsibility to solve or live with. I'm a big reader. In the novel, "A Tree Grows In Brooklyn" the father, Johnny, is an alcoholic. The mother is always angry at him and is always trying to change him. I am paraphrasing but the aunt says to the mother, "Johnny drinks and he will for the rest of his life. It's just how it is and you love him and have to accept that." The mother, at that point, stops expecting the father to sober up and contribute to the home and she finds a way to provide for her family and lets him go about his business. She still loves him, but she is distanced from him emotionally and there is no more warmth in their relationship. This is how I kind of see myself. I accept who she is. She's an addict. She always will be. I don't support it, but I don't fight it either. It is what it is. I've accepted it. This will seem a bad thing to say, but, at this point, I can't even imagine making a place for her in my life even if she did, miraculously, get her life together. I know she will die as a result. Whether it's an OD, or HIV, or hepatitis, or someone on the street kills her, I have stopped dreaming of a good ending to this. [/QUOTE]
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Adult son back in jail for the nth time
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