Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Adult son living at home breaking house rules
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 764159" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi As,</p><p>I just read this</p><p>“Words not matching actions is called manipulation and refusing to be held accountable for it is called gaslighting”</p><p></p><p>We all face disappointment at one point or another. That’s life. We don’t need to get drunk or high to deal with it.</p><p></p><p>So, he is trying to convince you how much better he is when he is high. He’s chatty. “See Mom, I feel so much better, we can have a decent conversation now, it’s okay for me to get high.” Ugh.</p><p></p><p>This is what I found on the CRAFT method</p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><strong>Care for themselves</strong> and take back control of their lives.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><strong>Understand triggers</strong> that lead to a loved one's substance use.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><strong>Reward</strong> a loved one when he or she does not use substances—and withdraw positive reinforcement when there is unhealthy behavior, such as alcohol intoxication.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><strong>Use positive communication</strong> to improve interactions and to maximize their impact.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><strong>Encourage</strong> a substance user to seek treatment.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><strong>Spot signs</strong> that things might escalate to domestic violence.</li> </ul><p></p><p>I’m thinking “withdrawing positive reinforcement when there is unhealthy behavior” answers your question about whether you should talk with him while he is high.</p><p>The trouble with engaging with our addicted loved ones while they are using, is that they are master manipulators, they tell us what we want to hear, while their actions contradict their words. Or, they lash out and try to blame us for their choices. Reading that your son would flaunt his using and at the same time talk about getting help is a huge trigger for me. It reminds me of the years we went through with our two, and how desperate and gullible I was. I wanted to believe that they would change, that I could somehow fix them. That I could convince them to get help, to stop using. I had way too much skin in the game. I still hold out hope that they will get help. But, it is up to them to decide. I have no control over their choices.</p><p></p><p>Geez, As123, how do you begin to process this? As a Mom? Yah, he’s being honest with you, but what the heck are you supposed to do after hearing that?</p><p>It reminds me of what my daughter told me “You just have to accept that I’m an addict.”</p><p>Well, yes, I know you are an addict, but I do not have to live with your choice to use, up close and personal. That hurts too much. In every which way, from the unpredictable behaviors, lying, stealing, endangering her own children, herself, the list goes on.</p><p>What I’ve learned through the years of dealing with my daughters addiction and using is that I had to take steps to protect my heart and mind. Hubs and I were intensely focused on “helping” to the detriment of our own health and relationship and the peace in our home.</p><p>It is a vulnerable time for us as parents when we set hard boundaries with our addicted adult kids. We are set on our own path of recovery in learning to cope with the pain and finding ways to switch focus to what we can control, ourselves. Addicted adult kids will pull out all the stops to try to keep us enmeshed. I would encourage you again as you navigate this course to work on strengthening yourself. </p><p>I see the importance of our adult kids knowing we will be there for them, if and when they decide to get true help. But, not at the expense of our sanity. The ups and downs of that can be emotionally and mentally exhausting. My daughter will reach out to me when in jail, or rehab, with promises of recovery, then goes completely off radar when she’s on the lamb. That’s draining. I have to train myself to not desire an outcome of sobriety more than she does. I have no control over that. It is a difficult thing as a mother to watch adult kids spiral out of control. Please make sure to put your needs and health in the forefront. Self care and self love is what we wish for all our kids. We are their first mentors in this. Stay strong, and recognize when your son is pulling at your heartstrings. That will benefit you, and him in the long run.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 764159, member: 19522"] Hi As, I just read this “Words not matching actions is called manipulation and refusing to be held accountable for it is called gaslighting” We all face disappointment at one point or another. That’s life. We don’t need to get drunk or high to deal with it. So, he is trying to convince you how much better he is when he is high. He’s chatty. “See Mom, I feel so much better, we can have a decent conversation now, it’s okay for me to get high.” Ugh. This is what I found on the CRAFT method [LIST] [*][B]Care for themselves[/B] and take back control of their lives. [*][B]Understand triggers[/B] that lead to a loved one's substance use. [*][B]Reward[/B] a loved one when he or she does not use substances—and withdraw positive reinforcement when there is unhealthy behavior, such as alcohol intoxication. [*][B]Use positive communication[/B] to improve interactions and to maximize their impact. [*][B]Encourage[/B] a substance user to seek treatment. [*][B]Spot signs[/B] that things might escalate to domestic violence. [/LIST] I’m thinking “withdrawing positive reinforcement when there is unhealthy behavior” answers your question about whether you should talk with him while he is high. The trouble with engaging with our addicted loved ones while they are using, is that they are master manipulators, they tell us what we want to hear, while their actions contradict their words. Or, they lash out and try to blame us for their choices. Reading that your son would flaunt his using and at the same time talk about getting help is a huge trigger for me. It reminds me of the years we went through with our two, and how desperate and gullible I was. I wanted to believe that they would change, that I could somehow fix them. That I could convince them to get help, to stop using. I had way too much skin in the game. I still hold out hope that they will get help. But, it is up to them to decide. I have no control over their choices. Geez, As123, how do you begin to process this? As a Mom? Yah, he’s being honest with you, but what the heck are you supposed to do after hearing that? It reminds me of what my daughter told me “You just have to accept that I’m an addict.” Well, yes, I know you are an addict, but I do not have to live with your choice to use, up close and personal. That hurts too much. In every which way, from the unpredictable behaviors, lying, stealing, endangering her own children, herself, the list goes on. What I’ve learned through the years of dealing with my daughters addiction and using is that I had to take steps to protect my heart and mind. Hubs and I were intensely focused on “helping” to the detriment of our own health and relationship and the peace in our home. It is a vulnerable time for us as parents when we set hard boundaries with our addicted adult kids. We are set on our own path of recovery in learning to cope with the pain and finding ways to switch focus to what we can control, ourselves. Addicted adult kids will pull out all the stops to try to keep us enmeshed. I would encourage you again as you navigate this course to work on strengthening yourself. I see the importance of our adult kids knowing we will be there for them, if and when they decide to get true help. But, not at the expense of our sanity. The ups and downs of that can be emotionally and mentally exhausting. My daughter will reach out to me when in jail, or rehab, with promises of recovery, then goes completely off radar when she’s on the lamb. That’s draining. I have to train myself to not desire an outcome of sobriety more than she does. I have no control over that. It is a difficult thing as a mother to watch adult kids spiral out of control. Please make sure to put your needs and health in the forefront. Self care and self love is what we wish for all our kids. We are their first mentors in this. Stay strong, and recognize when your son is pulling at your heartstrings. That will benefit you, and him in the long run. (((Hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Adult son living at home breaking house rules
Top