Adult son living at home breaking house rules

[AddictionSucks123]

Hi,

My adult son is an alcohol addict and also dabbles with other drugs here and there. He was on meth for two months, then stopped and then relapsed several times. He then also found cocaine and did that as well as pot and alcohol.

He went to rehab during the xmas holidays but then got discharged as he was threatening staff and other clients. We agreed to let him back in the house if he followed specific house rules, including random drug testing, going to AA/NA, and curfew to name a few. He has drank 5 times in the span of 1 month and refused to be drug tested so we told him to leave. He said we never look at his strides, he is currently employed after being let go, fired beginning of December for going into work late everyday or calling out sick multiple times.

He says we treat him like a criminal, a worthless person, when he is doing what he needs to do. What we see is him sliding back into using alcohol more frequently, using cocaine. He says he already beats himself up and it doesn't help when we shove it in his face to talk about again and again. We asked him if he wants external assistance, like counseling, or outpatient treatment and he says no to all of it. He just wants to live at home and not get pestered about his addiction.

My family members who have beat addiction, keeps telling me to just kick him out. He is 24. He makes decent wages. He loves being home and he recognizes he is an addict but hates the stigma and the way he thinks we look at him or treat him.

I have told him, the house rules are for us and our sanity, not him. At this point, I don't know if I need to be a hard liner or just watch and see..... That's what happened last time, when he spiraled out of control and ended up in Rehab to detox (he didn't want to be there really).

 

[New Leaf]

Hi As123,
I agree, addiction sucks.

He just wants to live at home and not get pestered about his addiction.

This about says it all for many of us here, how simple, for the addicted adult child, that is. For us, it is maddening, house rules not followed plus the chaos and drama that go hand in hand with an actively using loved one.

He went to rehab during the xmas holidays but then got discharged as he was threatening staff and other clients.

That’s pretty scary. I hope he is not belligerent in your home.

We agreed to let him back in the house if he followed specific house rules, including random drug testing, going to AA/NA, and curfew to name a few.

Your house, your rules. It is a privilege for our adult children to live at home. If they don’t want to follow rules, they need to find their own space.

He said we never look at his strides, he is currently employed after being let go, fired beginning of December for going into work late everyday or calling out sick multiple times.

He is shifting focus towards you. This is common. Don’t buy into it.

He says we treat him like a criminal, a worthless person, when he is doing what he needs to do.

If he was doing what he needs to do, he wouldn’t object to drug testing. He’s stalling.

What we see is him sliding back into using alcohol more frequently, using cocaine. He says he already beats himself up and it doesn't help when we shove it in his face to talk about again and again.

He wants to do what he wants to do. It is typical for addicts to shift blame to parents.

We asked him if he wants external assistance, like counseling, or outpatient treatment and he says no to all of it.

He is not ready for change. I’m sorry.

My family members who have beat addiction, keeps telling me to just kick him out.

They know the reality. By living in your home, your son is able to afford his bad choices.

He is 24. He makes decent wages. He loves being home and he recognizes he is an addict but hates the stigma and the way he thinks we look at him or treat him.

I have heard others call this a “functioning addict”. Unfortunately, I have witnessed too many go from being able to hold down a job- to living on the streets. My late hubs and I spent many years trying to help our two daughters. They just spiraled and our house turned into a war zone. We were not equipped to stop the train wreck. Their living with us just made it easier for them to party.

I have told him, the house rules are for us and our sanity, not him. At this point, I don't know if I need to be a hard liner or just watch and see..... That's what happened last time, when he spiraled out of control and ended up in Rehab to detox (he didn't want to be there really).

House rules are for everyone. There are rules for everything, for living a good, decent life. As far as hard lining, or watch and see, that’s up to you. Only you know your situation. We all did what we felt we had to, everyone has different circumstances. Keep posting, there is much to be learned from other’s experiences and it is good to be able to communicate with folks who understand. If you decide that your son needs to leave your home, you are not kicking him out, you are giving him his wings.
Take care and do something good for you. This is an extremely stressful situation. Keep learning about addiction and fortifying yourself. Make sure you get the rest you need.
Gentle hugs,
New Leaf

 

[AddictionSucks123]

New Leaf,

Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I love, love that line, ".. not kicking him out, you are giving him his wings".

He really hates himself when he fails himself. He admitted to doing cocaine, and agreed to testing after he got home from work and we had a long talk. I told him my fears of him dying from fentanyl poisoning and he said, well, the dealer tests the batch. I said, they can't test every batch, and a friend of his from high school, died of fentanyl poisoining just last year. That friend also did cocaine on occasion. He said he would like to do family addiction counseling, and I said, that is great. Please find one for us to attend. I did not want to go through looking for a counselor only for him to reject it.

He says he is doing what he needs to do for himself and doesn't want to drink anymore or do drugs. He remarks it is no longer fun for him. That said, I understand addiction is more than white fisting through the cravings. His friends are starting to cut him off, and I am not sure if that is a good thing. Perhaps, they do not want to see him go down the rabbit hole as I had pleaded with them to help him go to and stay at rehab.

Yes, I must remember that... shifting blame on the parents. He used to divide and conquer before (separate my husband and I when it came to discussions about him) and we no longer let that happen.

We are still encouraging him to move out and he does pay us rent. Not much, but we wanted him to get used to the cadence of paying every month.

He does have a past history of depression and anxiety. However, he says he does it when he is happy, not sad. He does it to reward himself. or to even himself out after work.

My husband, who also had a past history of drug use, said, I need to back off a little bit more and not apply my own anxiety on our son. That we will wait and watch and look at his actions. That me asking every other day, if he had a drink or drug testing him after he comes back home, is only making things worse for me. So.. I have been backing off.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi As123,
Glad to know you were able to talk with your son.

He admitted to doing cocaine, and agreed to testing after he got home from work and we had a long talk.

It is good that he admitted to his drug use.

He said he would like to do family addiction counseling, and I said, that is great. Please find one for us to attend. I did not want to go through looking for a counselor only for him to reject it.

Awesome, I hope he follows through.

He says he is doing what he needs to do for himself and doesn't want to drink anymore or do drugs. He remarks it is no longer fun for him.

I hope he follows through with this as well.

His friends are starting to cut him off, and I am not sure if that is a good thing. Perhaps, they do not want to see him go down the rabbit hole as I had pleaded with them to help him go to and stay at rehab.

Friends definitely greatly influence teens and young adults. Hopefully your son will see the consequences of his choices and want to change.

He used to divide and conquer before (separate my husband and I when it came to discussions about him) and we no longer let that happen.

That’s a common thing called triangulation. Addicts will side with the “easier” parent. That was my two with my husband. I was done dealing with their using drugs and us, the stealing, lying and drama. I hard-lined- hubs didn’t want to. He was the good guy, I was the target. That is difficult to go through.

We are still encouraging him to move out and he does pay us rent. Not much, but we wanted him to get used to the cadence of paying every month.

That’s good. The rents are crazy where I live. I can see how young adults stay at home. It’s not a problem if they are helpful and follow rules. if not it’s a game changer.

He does have a past history of depression and anxiety. However, he says he does it when he is happy, not sad. He does it to reward himself. or to even himself out after work.

A lot of addicts have dual diagnosis.

My husband, who also had a past history of drug use, said, I need to back off a little bit more and not apply my own anxiety on our son. That we will wait and watch and look at his actions. That me asking every other day, if he had a drink or drug testing him after he comes back home, is only making things worse for me. So.. I have been backing off.

We get so caught up in what our adult kids are doing, especially with fentanyl out there. Of course we get anxious. I guess the only thing you can do is take it one day at a time. Focus on yourself and your well-being. We tend to focus on our addicted loved ones so much that we go down the rabbit hole with them in our own way. It’s a very tough journey and hard spot to be in. I hope that your son follows through with getting help and recovery. In the meantime, take very good care of yourself. Don’t let him manipulate or gaslight you. Keep a journal. That helps to document this journey. Love for our kids tends to put blinders on us. That’s not good for us or our adult kids.
Stay well.
Leaf

 

[JMom]

Hi As123,
I agree, addiction sucks.

This about says it all for many of us here, how simple, for the addicted adult child, that is. For us, it is maddening, house rules not followed plus the chaos and drama that go hand in hand with an actively using loved one.

That’s pretty scary. I hope he is not belligerent in your home.

Your house, your rules. It is a privilege for our adult children to live at home. If they don’t want to follow rules, they need to find their own space.

He is shifting focus towards you. This is common. Don’t buy into it.

If he was doing what he needs to do, he wouldn’t object to drug testing. He’s stalling.

He wants to do what he wants to do. It is typical for addicts to shift blame to parents.

He is not ready for change. I’m sorry.

They know the reality. By living in your home, your son is able to afford his bad choices.

I have heard others call this a “functioning addict”. Unfortunately, I have witnessed too many go from being able to hold down a job- to living on the streets. My late hubs and I spent many years trying to help our two daughters. They just spiraled and our house turned into a war zone. We were not equipped to stop the train wreck. Their living with us just made it easier for them to party.

House rules are for everyone. There are rules for everything, for living a good, decent life. As far as hard lining, or watch and see, that’s up to you. Only you know your situation. We all did what we felt we had to, everyone has different circumstances. Keep posting, there is much to be learned from other’s experiences and it is good to be able to communicate with folks who understand. If you decide that your son needs to leave your home, you are not kicking him out, you are giving him his wings.
Take care and do something good for you. This is an extremely stressful situation. Keep learning about addiction and fortifying yourself. Make sure you get the rest you need.
Gentle hugs,
New Leaf

Very nice response New Leaf!

 

[AddictionSucks123]

We told our son to leave. He threatened and called me names not suitable to any woman. We were all getting over Covid, so there were lots of frayed nerves but especially with my son. He also has mental health anxiety. It doesn't help that he drinks and uses cocaine and feels like crap during the "come down". It was so difficult the first weekhe was out, I would just cry randomly around the house or while working.

He is living in a motel and trying to find an apartment which is proving to be more difficult than he imagined. He, of course, ramped up his use after he left the house. The good thing is, he is still working.

My husband and I have found the CRAFT method of dealing with our addicted son. We like it. It feels right for us. It centers on being kinder and focusing on the positive aspects of him as opposed to the constant reminder that he is an addict. Of course, there are boundaries to be practiced still and he won't be able to come back home until after he gets involved in treatment and/or AA meetings.

This is his second week out there and still very sad for me and probably anxiety inducing for him. As you said, New Leaf, giving him his wings. I am terrified but he has to go through the natural consequences at this time. I just miss him terribly.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi AS123,
I had to reread this thread, it’s been awhile since you have been here. You have been deep in the trenches trying to help your son. I’m so sorry that his behavior escalated and he was unable to follow house rules. I’m sorry for your need to revisit, but glad that you reached out to us.

We told our son to leave. He threatened and called me names not suitable to any woman.

This is not an easy thing at all. You did the right thing in drawing a line for his threats and disrespect. It still hurts, I know.

We were all getting over Covid, so there were lots of frayed nerves but especially with my son. He also has mental health anxiety.

That is doubly hard. Anxiety and addiction. That just creates this awful cycle. I’m sure my two have dual diagnosis as well, but we are way beyond knowing which came first, due to their extended drug use.

It doesn't help that he drinks and uses cocaine and feels like crap during the "come down". It was so difficult the first weekhe was out, I would just cry randomly around the house or while working.

I walked on eggshells with my two during the early years. Unpredictable mood swings and sneaking around. Our house turned into a place I dreaded to be, not knowing what the next drama would be. It still hurt like the dickens when I said enough and closed the revolving door. I was shell shocked. That’s when I found this site, and the kind folks here helped me through so much.

He is living in a motel and trying to find an apartment which is proving to be more difficult than he imagined. He, of course, ramped up his use after he left the house. The good thing is, he is still working.

He will have less money to fund his addiction, having to find and pay for his own place, or room with others. While he is ramping up his use now, he will soon find out that with added responsibility of supporting himself, he will have to make better choices. I hope he figures it out and forges a different path.

My husband and I have found the CRAFT method of dealing with our addicted son. We like it. It feels right for us. It centers on being kinder and focusing on the positive aspects of him as opposed to the constant reminder that he is an addict.

I do not know too much about this method. I have gone back and forth regarding connection with my two waywards, reasoning that if I stop trying, who do they have on the other side of this? But, at the same time, at what cost to my own peace of mind and health? I have come to a crossroads where I monitor my own mental well being as far as contact with my two. It is difficult to have contact and then nothing for months. I still need to adjust to the seesawing emotions of that. I don't think I would have them live with me. That has proven to spiral into the rabbit hole quite rapidly.

Of course, there are boundaries to be practiced still and he won't be able to come back home until after he gets involved in treatment and/or AA meetings.

It is good that you hold true to those boundaries. Your son is young, I hope that he will realize what lies ahead if he continues as is, and gets the help he needs.

As you said, New Leaf, giving him his wings. I am terrified but he has to go through the natural consequences at this time. I just miss him terribly.

I miss my two as well AS123. I do hope that this experience will help your son wake up and make better choices. Please take very good care of yourself. This is a tough time, I know. Prayer helps so much as well as being able to talk to someone who understands. Writing here helped me, and still does. Prayers that your son will find his light and potential and that you and your family will find peace during this difficult time.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[AddictionSucks123]

Thank you New Leaf for your responses. The pain that you must have for your two daughters, while your other 3 thrives must be more mind altering that anything else. I understand that schism of feeling -you celebrate the ones who are thriving but are in such dire pain for the addicted ones - sometimes all those feelings at once.

My son is still living in motels and trying to find a place to live. We don't know if that uncertainty is making him drink and use cocaine more but he is now using daily. Nothing we can do but hope that he finds strength to move forward.

We also understand, this may be a long, long road ahead of him and we have decided to be loving and caring to him and respond positively toward him but we have to work on our own mental health and physical health. It is so difficult to do, isn't it? When it feels so natural to give and shelter and provide. I feel especially like a fraud of a mother for having him live outside in motels suffering while I pine for him in the comfort of my own home. However, I also understand intellectually, he is an adult with mental and emotional issues that he will need to address, which fuels his need to numb and that only he can fix the issue.

Heard a quote today, about how loved ones; family member and friends, all bear the brunt of the pain of addiction straight on without any drugs to numb our pain, while the addict can't ever understand that pain caused by them. Yes, they will not understand that pain. We have nothing to blunt the full force of pain so we try to detach. I am doing a terrible job at detaching at this time.

I thank you for this space and thank you for your responses as I know you all understand this pain.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi As123,
I’m sorry for your aching heart. It is such a difficult time to deal with, setting boundaries and following through. I vividly remember my seesawing emotions, trying to get through the day to day.

I understand that schism of feeling -you celebrate the ones who are thriving but are in such dire pain for the addicted ones - sometimes all those feelings at once.

The hurt of loving an addict is ever present. It takes practice and prayer for me to find balance within myself. But, I have responsibilities towards my well children and grand children and choose to focus on them. I have responsibility to take care of myself, my health. Late hubs and I spent so many years desperately trying to “help” our two. It became apparent to me that they didn’t want true help, they wanted to have their cake and eat it too, to live comfortably while their using increased to a point where the drama and chaos spilled over and destroyed the peace in our home. That was not fair to anyone, especially my well children and grands. Focusing on that hard reality helped to keep me on track.

My son is still living in motels and trying to find a place to live. We don't know if that uncertainty is making him drink and use cocaine more but he is now using daily. Nothing we can do but hope that he finds strength to move forward.

Not to sound harsh, but living in a motel and trying to find a place to rent is a consequence of his choice to disregard house rules. I wonder if our waywards realize the havoc they cause when their behavior escalates within our homes? Do they even remember? Do they take for granted the gift of being able to live in their family home as they become adults? Do they begin to resent the fact that they are still dependent on us? That was a discussion that an old time member brought up, that our kids were meant to grow into responsibility and leave the nest. That when we put up with their nonsense, we have clipped their wings so to speak. They begin to resent us. It is an interesting thought. You wrote that your son is now using daily. Has he told you as much? I ask, because when my two left home, my mind went through all kinds of worst case scenarios. I call it awfullizing. I had to just stop. Even now, when I feel myself going down that road, I have to say a prayer and steady myself.

We also understand, this may be a long, long road ahead of him and we have decided to be loving and caring to him and respond positively toward him but we have to work on our own mental health and physical health.

The article on detachment on the PE forum page details steps we can take to help get through our pain. It states that detachment doesn’t mean coldly cutting our loved ones out of our lives. Honestly, at first detachment sounded like cutting off a body part. What I realized is that a big part is learning to be less enmeshed emotionally with our waywards choices and consequences. It makes no sense for us to go down the rabbit hole with them. We have no control over what they do. We do have control over ourselves. This is the work ahead.

It is so difficult to do, isn't it? When it feels so natural to give and shelter and provide. I feel especially like a fraud of a mother for having him live outside in motels suffering while I pine for him in the comfort of my own home.

It is difficult As123. I’m sorry for the pain of it. It is natural to provide shelter. What is unnatural, is for someone to take that gift for granted. Rather than expressing gratitude, being helpful and appreciative, to display an awful attitude and bring drama and chaos into a family home is not right. You are not a fraud of a mother for setting rules for decency to protect the sanctity of your home. We have been conditioned as mothers to sacrifice our time and own needs to take care of our family. Our adult kids are not little children anymore. They will do as they please. I understand how it feels to switch direction from desperately trying to help an adult child, to the shock of their downward spiral, to realizing the effect on your home and having to give them their wings. As123, your son is not “suffering” in a motel. He has a roof over his head, a shower. It may not be the comfort of your home, but he truly abused the privilege to be there. Now, he has to figure out his responsibility towards himself. Try to reconfigure your thought processing, instead of envisioning suffering, he is learning.

However, I also understand intellectually, he is an adult with mental and emotional issues that he will need to address, which fuels his need to numb and that only he can fix the issue.

Only he can fix the issue. He has proven that he won’t address his issues in the comfort of your home. You would be doing him a terrible disservice if you allowed him to continue on the course he was on, in your home. You have done the most loving thing, to lay down the law with him. Love says no. No, you cannot keep abusing yourself and your family with the repercussions of your choices.

Heard a quote today, about how loved ones; family member and friends, all bear the brunt of the pain of addiction straight on without any drugs to numb our pain, while the addict can't ever understand that pain caused by them.

Addicts won’t understand the pain we go through as long as they are using. It is an immensely selfish way to live. But it is still a choice to use drugs, and in turn try to manipulate, gaslight and use loved ones. It is true we bear the brunt of the pain. With that written, the task ahead of us is to educate ourselves and find healthy ways to work through the pain, to find the strength within ourselves to process it and learn to focus on what we can control, our reaction to our wayward kids choices. We have to learn all over again to stand up for ourselves. To be kind and loving to ourselves and not put up with disrespect.

Yes, they will not understand that pain. We have nothing to blunt the full force of pain so we try to detach. I am doing a terrible job at detaching at this time.

I don’t think you are doing a horrible job. You have set boundaries and you have drawn that line in the sand. I’m pretty sure you gave your son many chances as he ramped up and crossed that line. Something had to be done for your own sanity. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are allowed to feel sad and disheartened. You are allowed to grieve. This is a big change for you. Give yourself grace and a reasonable amount of time to process what is happening. If you find that your thoughts and emotions are becoming intrusive, seek help. There are different ways to help us navigate this hard time. Learn to switch your focus and work at self love. It is imperative that we retrain ourselves to be loving and kind to ourselves. That is what we wish most for our adult kids, that they love themselves enough to make better choices. We are their greatest teachers when we strive for the same. Work at finding helpers, there are many examples of people who have overcome suffering. Maya Angelou, Viktor Frankl, Helen Keller to name a few. Create healthy habits that help you switch your focus. Keep posting, this place has been such a lifesaver for me. The kind folks here have been so helpful on this journey. You are worthy of living a peaceful life. You are right to expect respect for the sanctity of your home.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[AddictionSucks123]

Thank you New Leaf. Yes, I am grieving. Definitely working on not doing the catastrophic thinking as well. He just called me to let me know he didn't get the apartment lease and he was very angry. He told me he was just a junkie and was going to drink and get cocaine. So he hung up and I texted that I was sorry that he didn't get the apt. Then, he called me back after using, and wanted to talk and chat. He was, very chatty and said that he was so much better when he was using as it made him more even tempered, less anxious, etc. Of course.. he is medicating himself. So, I let him talk and we conversed but after I got off the phone with him, I thought, should I be talking to him when he is high? Should I hang up and ask to talk with him when he is sober? He said so many things, like wanting to stop, wanting to go to AA to meet other people like him, maybe trying to get therapy for his anxiety or filling his life with more than drugs. But is that just the substance talking or is it him?

 

[AddictionSucks123]

New Leaf, he told me he was using daily. He said he likes the way the drugs and alcohol smooths his feelings but he understands it harms his body and brain (he said that while he was high).

 

[New Leaf]

Hi As,
I just read this
“Words not matching actions is called manipulation and refusing to be held accountable for it is called gaslighting”

He just called me to let me know he didn't get the apartment lease and he was very angry. He told me he was just a junkie and was going to drink and get cocaine. So he hung up and I texted that I was sorry that he didn't get the apt.

We all face disappointment at one point or another. That’s life. We don’t need to get drunk or high to deal with it.

Then, he called me back after using, and wanted to talk and chat. He was, very chatty and said that he was so much better when he was using as it made him more even tempered, less anxious, etc. Of course.. he is medicating himself.

So, he is trying to convince you how much better he is when he is high. He’s chatty. “See Mom, I feel so much better, we can have a decent conversation now, it’s okay for me to get high.” Ugh.

So, I let him talk and we conversed but after I got off the phone with him, I thought, should I be talking to him when he is high? Should I hang up and ask to talk with him when he is sober? He said so many things, like wanting to stop, wanting to go to AA to meet other people like him, maybe trying to get therapy for his anxiety or filling his life with more than drugs. But is that just the substance talking or is it him?

This is what I found on the CRAFT method

• Care for themselves and take back control of their lives.
• Understand triggers that lead to a loved one's substance use.
• Reward a loved one when he or she does not use substances—and withdraw positive reinforcement when there is unhealthy behavior, such as alcohol intoxication.
• Use positive communication to improve interactions and to maximize their impact.
• Encourage a substance user to seek treatment.
• Spot signs that things might escalate to domestic violence.

I’m thinking “withdrawing positive reinforcement when there is unhealthy behavior” answers your question about whether you should talk with him while he is high.
The trouble with engaging with our addicted loved ones while they are using, is that they are master manipulators, they tell us what we want to hear, while their actions contradict their words. Or, they lash out and try to blame us for their choices. Reading that your son would flaunt his using and at the same time talk about getting help is a huge trigger for me. It reminds me of the years we went through with our two, and how desperate and gullible I was. I wanted to believe that they would change, that I could somehow fix them. That I could convince them to get help, to stop using. I had way too much skin in the game. I still hold out hope that they will get help. But, it is up to them to decide. I have no control over their choices.

New Leaf, he told me he was using daily. He said he likes the way the drugs and alcohol smooths his feelings but he understands it harms his body and brain (he said that while he was high).

Geez, As123, how do you begin to process this? As a Mom? Yah, he’s being honest with you, but what the heck are you supposed to do after hearing that?
It reminds me of what my daughter told me “You just have to accept that I’m an addict.”
Well, yes, I know you are an addict, but I do not have to live with your choice to use, up close and personal. That hurts too much. In every which way, from the unpredictable behaviors, lying, stealing, endangering her own children, herself, the list goes on.
What I’ve learned through the years of dealing with my daughters addiction and using is that I had to take steps to protect my heart and mind. Hubs and I were intensely focused on “helping” to the detriment of our own health and relationship and the peace in our home.
It is a vulnerable time for us as parents when we set hard boundaries with our addicted adult kids. We are set on our own path of recovery in learning to cope with the pain and finding ways to switch focus to what we can control, ourselves. Addicted adult kids will pull out all the stops to try to keep us enmeshed. I would encourage you again as you navigate this course to work on strengthening yourself.
I see the importance of our adult kids knowing we will be there for them, if and when they decide to get true help. But, not at the expense of our sanity. The ups and downs of that can be emotionally and mentally exhausting. My daughter will reach out to me when in jail, or rehab, with promises of recovery, then goes completely off radar when she’s on the lamb. That’s draining. I have to train myself to not desire an outcome of sobriety more than she does. I have no control over that. It is a difficult thing as a mother to watch adult kids spiral out of control. Please make sure to put your needs and health in the forefront. Self care and self love is what we wish for all our kids. We are their first mentors in this. Stay strong, and recognize when your son is pulling at your heartstrings. That will benefit you, and him in the long run.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[AddictionSucks123]

vulnerable time for us as parents when we set hard boundaries with our addicted adult kids. We are set on our own path of recovery in learning to cope with the pain and finding ways to switch focus to what we can control, ourselves. Addicted adult kids will pull out all the stops to try to keep us enmeshed. I would encourage you again as you navigate this course to work on strengthening yourself.

Yes, very vulnerable! My son has always overshared. He has done this most of his life. He tells me almost everything, way too much, but I think I would prefer him talking to me as opposed to not talking to me at all. Definitely, working on my own path of recovery.

Stay strong, and recognize when your son is pulling at your heartstrings. That will benefit you, and him in the long run.

Thank you, for your advice and your insights. I so need them right now.

Hugs to you too.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi As123,
I hope that the day brings you comfort.

My son has always overshared. He has done this most of his life. He tells me almost everything, way too much, but I think I would prefer him talking to me as opposed to not talking to me all.

I’m glad your son is able to talk with you and you are able to process his over sharing. That can be difficult. I hope that his connection with you can help him follow through with goals towards sobriety.

Definitely, working on my own path of recovery.

That’s good, As123. This is hard stuff. Stay strong, mama.
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

You answered your own question. To paraphrase: The rules are for us, not for him. When I watch and wait, he gets worse.

I feel you need to factor yourself and your welfare into the equation. If you sacrifice yourself to him you will be eaten up alive. He has already shown that the arrangement doesn't work for him or you.

He is gaslighting you. Making you feel you're responsible to give him hothouse conditions, praise, encouragement, and support, while he uses. This is ridiculous. And dangerous.

He needs to leave. You are not a drug treatment program. You are not responsible for helping him be cured. That is entirely up to him. He is externalizing responsibility onto you. This will only continue and worsen.

I agree with every word New Leaf writes.

 

[AddictionSucks123]

Hi Copa, Thank you.

Husband and I are learning. We still want to inject kindness with him as he is and always have been very fragile.

That said, yes, he can not be in this house, his childhood home, as it is not conducive to his mental health. This is the only house he has ever known. This is the house, where there was a suicide attempt (not planned, impulsive) at 15 years old, this is the house where fights have happened, this is the house he was bedbound for 6 months 98% of the time where he couldn't hear or see anything due to deteriorating symptoms, then the horrible pure thought Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and this is the house he came to after getting drunk and high. This is the house, where I always made home made food and worked on building his health.

I am sure he is also suffering from PTSD from that illness. I can understand, in some ways, why he could turn to alcohol and drugs to cope. So many people do for less than what he has suffered through. And we tried to get him mental health help. I have attended NAMI classes, he has gone to various psychiatrists and therapists since he was a child and they have never helped, except for the exposure therapy for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Our mental health help honestly sucks, big time. The renowned psychologist at Stanford university has remarked recently, that our way of handling mental health aid is not effective. Talk therapy without immediate action assistance, CBT, medication, none of them have worked for him.

Son did get a room to rent with a nice older lady who also has another lady that is renting in the house. I think this will at least give him some stability, as getting a motel room daily was adding to his already unstable and anxious mind set. Prior to knowing he got this room to rent, he went on an weekend bender.

So far, he has been clean for 4 days as he has been suffering from the excess use of Meth and Cocaine all weekend long. Some say, it is the natural consequences of his actions, and not delaying it, may help him. We have learned that we can't make the actions for him and that he has to arrive at certain conclusions himself.

Husband and I are working to spend better quality time for ourselves, with some local travel in mind and we also attend online group support weekly.