Adult son living at home breaking house rules

[AddictionSucks123]

Hi,

My adult son is an alcohol addict and also dabbles with other drugs here and there. He was on meth for two months, then stopped and then relapsed several times. He then also found cocaine and did that as well as pot and alcohol.

He went to rehab during the xmas holidays but then got discharged as he was threatening staff and other clients. We agreed to let him back in the house if he followed specific house rules, including random drug testing, going to AA/NA, and curfew to name a few. He has drank 5 times in the span of 1 month and refused to be drug tested so we told him to leave. He said we never look at his strides, he is currently employed after being let go, fired beginning of December for going into work late everyday or calling out sick multiple times.

He says we treat him like a criminal, a worthless person, when he is doing what he needs to do. What we see is him sliding back into using alcohol more frequently, using cocaine. He says he already beats himself up and it doesn't help when we shove it in his face to talk about again and again. We asked him if he wants external assistance, like counseling, or outpatient treatment and he says no to all of it. He just wants to live at home and not get pestered about his addiction.

My family members who have beat addiction, keeps telling me to just kick him out. He is 24. He makes decent wages. He loves being home and he recognizes he is an addict but hates the stigma and the way he thinks we look at him or treat him.

I have told him, the house rules are for us and our sanity, not him. At this point, I don't know if I need to be a hard liner or just watch and see..... That's what happened last time, when he spiraled out of control and ended up in Rehab to detox (he didn't want to be there really).

 

[New Leaf]

Hi As123,
I agree, addiction sucks.

He just wants to live at home and not get pestered about his addiction.

This about says it all for many of us here, how simple, for the addicted adult child, that is. For us, it is maddening, house rules not followed plus the chaos and drama that go hand in hand with an actively using loved one.

He went to rehab during the xmas holidays but then got discharged as he was threatening staff and other clients.

That’s pretty scary. I hope he is not belligerent in your home.

We agreed to let him back in the house if he followed specific house rules, including random drug testing, going to AA/NA, and curfew to name a few.

Your house, your rules. It is a privilege for our adult children to live at home. If they don’t want to follow rules, they need to find their own space.

He said we never look at his strides, he is currently employed after being let go, fired beginning of December for going into work late everyday or calling out sick multiple times.

He is shifting focus towards you. This is common. Don’t buy into it.

He says we treat him like a criminal, a worthless person, when he is doing what he needs to do.

If he was doing what he needs to do, he wouldn’t object to drug testing. He’s stalling.

What we see is him sliding back into using alcohol more frequently, using cocaine. He says he already beats himself up and it doesn't help when we shove it in his face to talk about again and again.

He wants to do what he wants to do. It is typical for addicts to shift blame to parents.

We asked him if he wants external assistance, like counseling, or outpatient treatment and he says no to all of it.

He is not ready for change. I’m sorry.

My family members who have beat addiction, keeps telling me to just kick him out.

They know the reality. By living in your home, your son is able to afford his bad choices.

He is 24. He makes decent wages. He loves being home and he recognizes he is an addict but hates the stigma and the way he thinks we look at him or treat him.

I have heard others call this a “functioning addict”. Unfortunately, I have witnessed too many go from being able to hold down a job- to living on the streets. My late hubs and I spent many years trying to help our two daughters. They just spiraled and our house turned into a war zone. We were not equipped to stop the train wreck. Their living with us just made it easier for them to party.

I have told him, the house rules are for us and our sanity, not him. At this point, I don't know if I need to be a hard liner or just watch and see..... That's what happened last time, when he spiraled out of control and ended up in Rehab to detox (he didn't want to be there really).

House rules are for everyone. There are rules for everything, for living a good, decent life. As far as hard lining, or watch and see, that’s up to you. Only you know your situation. We all did what we felt we had to, everyone has different circumstances. Keep posting, there is much to be learned from other’s experiences and it is good to be able to communicate with folks who understand. If you decide that your son needs to leave your home, you are not kicking him out, you are giving him his wings.
Take care and do something good for you. This is an extremely stressful situation. Keep learning about addiction and fortifying yourself. Make sure you get the rest you need.
Gentle hugs,
New Leaf

 

[AddictionSucks123]

New Leaf,

Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I love, love that line, ".. not kicking him out, you are giving him his wings".

He really hates himself when he fails himself. He admitted to doing cocaine, and agreed to testing after he got home from work and we had a long talk. I told him my fears of him dying from fentanyl poisoning and he said, well, the dealer tests the batch. I said, they can't test every batch, and a friend of his from high school, died of fentanyl poisoining just last year. That friend also did cocaine on occasion. He said he would like to do family addiction counseling, and I said, that is great. Please find one for us to attend. I did not want to go through looking for a counselor only for him to reject it.

He says he is doing what he needs to do for himself and doesn't want to drink anymore or do drugs. He remarks it is no longer fun for him. That said, I understand addiction is more than white fisting through the cravings. His friends are starting to cut him off, and I am not sure if that is a good thing. Perhaps, they do not want to see him go down the rabbit hole as I had pleaded with them to help him go to and stay at rehab.

Yes, I must remember that... shifting blame on the parents. He used to divide and conquer before (separate my husband and I when it came to discussions about him) and we no longer let that happen.

We are still encouraging him to move out and he does pay us rent. Not much, but we wanted him to get used to the cadence of paying every month.

He does have a past history of depression and anxiety. However, he says he does it when he is happy, not sad. He does it to reward himself. or to even himself out after work.

My husband, who also had a past history of drug use, said, I need to back off a little bit more and not apply my own anxiety on our son. That we will wait and watch and look at his actions. That me asking every other day, if he had a drink or drug testing him after he comes back home, is only making things worse for me. So.. I have been backing off.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi As123,
Glad to know you were able to talk with your son.

He admitted to doing cocaine, and agreed to testing after he got home from work and we had a long talk.

It is good that he admitted to his drug use.

He said he would like to do family addiction counseling, and I said, that is great. Please find one for us to attend. I did not want to go through looking for a counselor only for him to reject it.

Awesome, I hope he follows through.

He says he is doing what he needs to do for himself and doesn't want to drink anymore or do drugs. He remarks it is no longer fun for him.

I hope he follows through with this as well.

His friends are starting to cut him off, and I am not sure if that is a good thing. Perhaps, they do not want to see him go down the rabbit hole as I had pleaded with them to help him go to and stay at rehab.

Friends definitely greatly influence teens and young adults. Hopefully your son will see the consequences of his choices and want to change.

He used to divide and conquer before (separate my husband and I when it came to discussions about him) and we no longer let that happen.

That’s a common thing called triangulation. Addicts will side with the “easier” parent. That was my two with my husband. I was done dealing with their using drugs and us, the stealing, lying and drama. I hard-lined- hubs didn’t want to. He was the good guy, I was the target. That is difficult to go through.

We are still encouraging him to move out and he does pay us rent. Not much, but we wanted him to get used to the cadence of paying every month.

That’s good. The rents are crazy where I live. I can see how young adults stay at home. It’s not a problem if they are helpful and follow rules. if not it’s a game changer.

He does have a past history of depression and anxiety. However, he says he does it when he is happy, not sad. He does it to reward himself. or to even himself out after work.

A lot of addicts have dual diagnosis.

My husband, who also had a past history of drug use, said, I need to back off a little bit more and not apply my own anxiety on our son. That we will wait and watch and look at his actions. That me asking every other day, if he had a drink or drug testing him after he comes back home, is only making things worse for me. So.. I have been backing off.

We get so caught up in what our adult kids are doing, especially with fentanyl out there. Of course we get anxious. I guess the only thing you can do is take it one day at a time. Focus on yourself and your well-being. We tend to focus on our addicted loved ones so much that we go down the rabbit hole with them in our own way. It’s a very tough journey and hard spot to be in. I hope that your son follows through with getting help and recovery. In the meantime, take very good care of yourself. Don’t let him manipulate or gaslight you. Keep a journal. That helps to document this journey. Love for our kids tends to put blinders on us. That’s not good for us or our adult kids.
Stay well.
Leaf

 

[JMom]

Hi As123,
I agree, addiction sucks.

This about says it all for many of us here, how simple, for the addicted adult child, that is. For us, it is maddening, house rules not followed plus the chaos and drama that go hand in hand with an actively using loved one.

That’s pretty scary. I hope he is not belligerent in your home.

Your house, your rules. It is a privilege for our adult children to live at home. If they don’t want to follow rules, they need to find their own space.

He is shifting focus towards you. This is common. Don’t buy into it.

If he was doing what he needs to do, he wouldn’t object to drug testing. He’s stalling.

He wants to do what he wants to do. It is typical for addicts to shift blame to parents.

He is not ready for change. I’m sorry.

They know the reality. By living in your home, your son is able to afford his bad choices.

I have heard others call this a “functioning addict”. Unfortunately, I have witnessed too many go from being able to hold down a job- to living on the streets. My late hubs and I spent many years trying to help our two daughters. They just spiraled and our house turned into a war zone. We were not equipped to stop the train wreck. Their living with us just made it easier for them to party.

House rules are for everyone. There are rules for everything, for living a good, decent life. As far as hard lining, or watch and see, that’s up to you. Only you know your situation. We all did what we felt we had to, everyone has different circumstances. Keep posting, there is much to be learned from other’s experiences and it is good to be able to communicate with folks who understand. If you decide that your son needs to leave your home, you are not kicking him out, you are giving him his wings.
Take care and do something good for you. This is an extremely stressful situation. Keep learning about addiction and fortifying yourself. Make sure you get the rest you need.
Gentle hugs,
New Leaf

Very nice response New Leaf!