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[katya02]

I haven't been here for quite a few years, but I treasured the support and wisdom I found on this site. I thought our family had reached a good and stable place - my oldest son married with 2 sweet daughters now, my second son having stabilized and returned to live with us peacefully, my third son having become a CPA and having his life on a good track, my daughter married and having finished her apprenticeship as a pipefitter.

But these illnesses and personality traits seem not to go away, they just go dormant for awhile.

For the past few months my third son has been deep in severe alcohol use disorder (AUD) with weeks-long binges, hallucinations, scary calls all night long ... he lost his job earlier this year, completed 28 days of inpatient rehab, and is back to drinking to blackout every day. We were in his city recently to visit his oldest brother and, stopping by his house, found him on the sofa barely responsive. We brought him back to our state and within a few days our disabled son who lives with us was destabilized and angry with us ...??

My third son always brings drama with him. He hasn't been with us for quite a few years so that part was no longer fresh in our minds, but it is now! He wanted to go home within a week of arriving at our place, so my husband drove him back (a round trip of almost 500 miles). Now my son is back to daily binges. He calls and hyperventilates into the phone and makes strange noises, sounds like he's dying. Last night he called like that; from the background noise I could tell he was outside. He had had another fight with his husband (who is addicted to various drugs - their relationship is on the rocks due to other issues, but neither will move out and move forward). He was incoherent and would not really talk. Eventually I hung up the call because he was there, but saying nothing. I told him to go inside his house - he lives in a big city and it's dangerous to be outside in that condition.

I didn't sleep last night. It's the first time I've hung up on him, and I know there was nothing I could accomplish at the time but all the bad scenarios ran through my mind all night. I spent a lot of time praying and trying to leave the situation to God ... but have a knot in my chest still. My husband and I have a nice bike ride planned for today and I feel like a heap of old clothes. I am having a hard time detaching despite what my logical brain says.

 

[ksm]

I'm so sorry Katya. That must be so scary for you and your husband. Have you read the article on detachment on this site? I will try and post a link soon. I would read it every day when things are tough. Maybe more than once a day. It has truly helped me. Hugs. Ksm

 

[ksm]

Article on Detachment | Parent Emeritus

For some reason this article has disappeared off of my posts so I've posted it in it's entirety here. What is detachment? Detachment is the: * Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves. * Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being...

www.conductdisorders.com

 

[katya02]

Thank you so much, ksm. I need this today.

 

[Beta]

I'm sorry too Katya02. I understand about imagining the worst-case scenarios in your mind. That is so overwhelming. I'm glad you found your way back here to post. It sounds like you've done all you can to help this second son--it doesn't seem like he's ready to get help for himself.

 

[katya02]

No, you’re right, Beta. He isn’t ready to take that step. He is alive, he has spent the day endlessly texting and calling and getting angry if I’m not right on my phone waiting for his next message. He’s inebriated and has been for several days now. He lasted 3 days after my husband drove him home last Sunday and then was right back where he was before we visited on Memorial Day Weekend.

It’s exhausting. My husband is more upset than I am right now. I am leaving my phone in another room!

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Katy,
So sorry for your need to be back on CD, I can only imagine that after a few years of your son being stable, it must feel as if the rug has been pulled from under you. That happens to me after just months of cautiously re engaging with my daughter while in rehab, then she takes a left turn and relapses. It hurts and sends me back a few steps. I’m so sorry for the shock and pain of it.

But these illnesses and personality traits seem not to go away, they just go dormant for awhile.

This reminds me that I have to keep my guard up. I always admired recoveringenablers wisdom and support, as well as her chosen CD name. I think that being a parent of adult children with addiction, means that I will forever be working at not sliding back into the rabbit hole of rescue mode. I will always be a recovering enabler, as much as my two will always carry their addiction, sober or not.

For the past few months my third son has been deep in severe alcohol use disorder (AUD) with weeks-long binges, hallucinations, scary calls all night long ... he lost his job earlier this year, completed 28 days of inpatient rehab, and is back to drinking to blackout every day.

I’m so sorry. That is extremely hard to bear witness to.

We brought him back to our state and within a few days our disabled son who lives with us was destabilized and angry with us ...??

My well children do not want to have anything to do with their meth addicted sisters. Too much water under the bridge. They understand how I have a hard time, but refuse to be exposed to the chaos again. It’s like the flash flood warnings we get “Turn around, don’t drown!”

Last night he called like that; from the background noise I could tell he was outside. He had had another fight with his husband (who is addicted to various drugs - their relationship is on the rocks due to other issues, but neither will move out and move forward). He was incoherent and would not really talk. Eventually I hung up the call because he was there, but saying nothing. I told him to go inside his house - he lives in a big city and it's dangerous to be outside in that condition.

Oh that’s so difficult Katy. I have had somewhat similar “crisis calls.” It certainly causes emotional suffering for us. I have a bad habit of “circular thought”. I ruminate over and over. It’s so stressful and unhealthy. My eldest, Rain has been hospitalized a few times for health issues brought about by her lifestyle. She calls, we visit and encourage her to get help, then she leaves against medical advice. I don’t know how she has survived these past few years.
I definitely have to continually work on letting go and letting God.

I didn't sleep last night. It's the first time I've hung up on him, and I know there was nothing I could accomplish at the time but all the bad scenarios ran through my mind all night. I spent a lot of time praying and trying to leave the situation to God ... but have a knot in my chest still.

Of course bad scenarios ran through your mind. I call it “catastrophic thought”, but who wouldn’t be drawn into stress and worry after such a call? Hanging up was justifiable, who could listen to that? After so many years of the drama and craziness, and posting here, I had to see the toll my twos choices was taking on my physical, mental and emotional health. They were headed in a downward spiral, and I was sucked right along with them. It was all I could think about. There were a few instances where I was fraught with worry and the next exchange with my daughters, their crisis was forgotten, like it was “just another Tuesday.” Here I was, an emotional wreck, and they appeared unaffected.

I feel like a heap of old clothes. I am having a hard time detaching despite what my logical brain says.

I know this feeling, Katy. Just worn down. I have learned that I need to let myself feel the sadness and process the emotions that come with this journey. It is deep grief that we feel, but we have not lost our loved ones, we grieve the choices they make. There is no finality, it is ongoing. We have no control over what our adult children do, and that is a hard reality to live.
What I have noticed through the years I’ve been on this journey, is that my two will dangle their drama and chaos in front of me, as if in an attempt to draw me back into the thick of it. Remember the term FOG? Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Fog blinds us to the fact that we have no control. We forget to take care of ourselves, because the urge to rescue overrides our own needs. We become emotionally bound to each “crisis” like a moth to the flame, as if sacrificing ourselves will solve anything, it won’t. It is hard to make clear decisions when feeling like a wrung out dish rag.
So, dear Katy, take the time you need to process the shock of your son’s choices. Then, pick yourself up and take one day at a time. Breath. You have been in a sort of rest mode in the peace and quiet of your sons sobriety, out of the cycle of “rinse, repeat” so it behooves a “back to basic training” to build up your armor and tool box. I’m glad that you took the first step to come here and write out your story so that you can again receive the comfort of those who understand the pain and hardship of this journey.
I’m quite certain that we all suffer from PTSD witnessing our children first get into trouble, trying desperately to stop the train wreck. When they become adults and keep sailing their ships into storms, we sail after them, hoping that we can get them to change course, without realizing the damage done to us. Learning to let go, and chart our own course to sanity is deep level training.
A start for me, was writing here and getting support from others who have traveled this road. Then, it was learning to set boundaries, healthy boundaries to protect myself and my home. One of the biggest lines I had to draw, and have to keep working on, is to stop myself from the emotional depths of despair I can go to. It’s as if I invest more energy and thought into my twos recovery, way more than they do. So I have to set internal boundaries for myself. Relearning over and again not to let myself sink into the quicksand. What helps is prayer and giving my two back to God. I also have to take a good look at my own self care, restarting routines and healthy habits to strengthen myself. It is not wrong to retrain our focus to self care. It is what we wish for our wayward adult children, that they would love themselves enough to stop the nonsense. We can’t control that, but we can model it for them by taking care of ourselves. To me, that means setting external boundaries as well. Drawing the line in the sand as far as involvement with my wayward daughter’s addiction and drama. Initially that feels foreign, cold, almost uncaring. That is the fog blinding me. Truthfully, love says no. It is perfectly reasonable to put a limit to phone calls through the night. Reasonable to hang up to incoherent gibberish that causes emotional stress. When my daughter calls me from jail, if she tries to manipulate me, I let her know it is unacceptable and I will hang up. I know how difficult this is, especially when our adult children are on this life threatening course. There is the old example of “putting the oxygen mask on first.” It is imperative for us to work at our own health, to be able to stop knee jerk reactions to rescue, and slow way down with racing, circular thinking towards developing healthier responses. This takes effort. You are worth that effort. Your peace of mind and heart is worth it. You have a life to live and deserve to have your boundaries respected.
On detachment, that term used to leave a bad taste in my mouth. I will always feel attached to my children, I love them. What we are detaching from is our unhealthy reaction to the latest catastrophe. I like the saying “My monkey, not my circus!”

I am leaving my phone in another room!

Good for you. There’s no reasoning with anyone in that state of mind. I hope you are able to go do something that helps take your mind off of the chaos. It’s not your first rodeo, grab that old toolbox and patch up your armor!
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Nomad]

Im so sorry to read of the recent horrible turmoil. The others have already said it all….such good advice. Is this the son that is a CPA ? And he is married? If so, how has his spouse reacted to his drinking? Does he like his career and have any motivation to go back to it? Sounds like first things first, he needs more rehab. I understand this is OFTEN a much repeated thing before it “takes.” Is he open to AA? Meanwhile, disengage as much as possible from the insanity. Set boundaries….this is critical. As we all know, this drama-trauma can eat us up. As much as humanly possible, put it on a back burner. Keep your help minimal. And just or maybe more importantly, protect your heart from the constant pain.Oh, I know for me personally, like you did…leaving this to God was a great comfort. I did not get to that point calmly. It was out of sheer desperation and exhaustion. But, finally , I felt peace. Enjoy your husband , other children and grands fully. ((((Hugs))))

 

[katya02]

Hi NewLeaf, thank you for your kind words. I do need to patch up my detachment armor! Working on it overtime ... helped by everyone here. I have reread the excellent article on detaching that ksm linked to and I'm reviewing the things I used to do and say with my other difficult child to keep myself from being enmeshed. Still need to work on it, I admit ...

Nomad, hello! It's been a long time. Yes, this is the son who is a CPA and is married (oldest son is also married). This son's marriage is firmly on the rocks at this point. His husband was supportive for awhile but has mostly left the house now, only returning for changes of clothes, living elsewhere. It turns out that the husband is addicted to multiple substances and has been a serial adulterer on a grand scale for more than half of the years they've been married. The main theme my son dwells on when drunk is his grief over this, his anger, the betrayal, and so on. Completely understandable except that he ruminates in circles and repeats the whole story endlessly without thinking about any next steps because he's inebriated. Also because he really doesn't want to move out, file for divorce, or take any other action. Neither of them appears to want to do anything about a situation that is painful to both.

Last evening my son sent another inscrutable text saying 'that was an insane 180' without any context, then called. What I could make out is that his husband has returned and said that he wants to be a good partner again, wants to stay home and spend time together. And my son said, fine. I have great skepticism about this move on his husband's part, but it's 'not my circus, not my monkeys' (also a phrase I love!). It's their marriage. I am not hoping for anything one way or another other than that my son stays alive long enough to make some sober decisions and move forward in any way he chooses.

 

[ksm]

I'm glad you are getting a short reprieve... work on strengthening you... this seems more like a lifetime rollercoaster ride where you never know when it starts up again... ksm

 

[katya02]

It's been 3 weeks and my son is spinning his wheels. He has withdrawn from alcohol once, stayed sober about 2 weeks, and went back to drinking. His husband moved back into the house after having a big fight with his then-boyfriend, refused marriage counseling, and wanted to just move forward as if nothing had happened. My son was advised by my husband and me to stay sober so that he could work through what he wants to do. Instead, he returned to drinking; stopped and withdrew; stayed sober 2 weeks; and is now completely off the wagon. He told me earlier this week that he was stopping again (4 days ago); then earlier today he said his last drink was about 18 hours ago; and he just called in tears and clearly drunk, saying he's too afraid to detox and he was actively drinking while talking with me earlier today.

He is heading for a major physical crisis quickly ... either he will break his neck falling down the steep stairs of his urban home, or he will get pancreatitis, or he'll get a massive GI bleed. And his liver is probably ready to pack it in. He didn't want to self-refer to a detox tonight and is likely to just continue drinking. Now I feel I have reached the stage where I'm waiting for the phone call from his husband to tell me he's dead.

I am physically sick. I know there's nothing I can do; if I drove there (220 miles) and got him, nothing would change because he's not willing. We already went and got him, had him home for a week, and it was a disaster.

But the constant drunk tearful calls and the waiting for a catastrophe are wearing me out. I wish I had better news.

 

[Copabanana]

Now I feel I have reached the stage where I'm waiting for the phone call from his husband to tell me he's dead.

The change you are looking for will come from you when you change your focus away from your son and onto yourself and your husband/

if I drove there (220 miles) and got him, nothing would change because he's not willing. We already went and got him, had him home for a week, and it was a disaster.

This is my point. Our adult children will live as they will and will only begin to change when they choose to. Or they won't. But it has nothing at all to do with what we do or don't do.

I wish I could tell you there was something you could do to change your son's behavior, but there isn't anything I can say or that you can do. He is a grown adult and he is in charge of himself.

 

[katya02]

I do appreciate what you're saying, Copacabana. I understand that my son will only change when he decides to pick up the phone and call a detox place, or decides to detox at home (which his tearful call today was about - being afraid to go through the pain and misery yet again). Or he won't change and we'll get a call, which looks more and more likely. It's adjusting to the idea that the call is likely that I'm finding difficult, and to the severity of what my son is doing while crying out to us for help - but not accepting any suggestions.

So, my husband and I are focusing on other things. I like the suggestion in another thread to 'put a timer' on worry and consciously switch gears. That's sort of what we're doing.

 

[Copabanana]

Or he won't change and we'll get a call, which looks more and more likely. It's adjusting to the idea that the call is likely that I'm finding difficult, and to the severity of what my son is doing while crying out to us for help -

The more you can keep your focus away from him, the greater the likelihood he will (and must) search within himself for strength, and to change his life. You do not help yourself (nor him) by focusing on the worst case.

But more than this, to change he needs to be left to his own devices. When we're in a dither it does not help them. It focuses their attention on externals, putting the problem in us, not them. This is not good.

My son is homeless and has been for many years. I tried and tried to help him. Nothing I did worked. I stopped trying. Now he is talking about making changes. Whether he will or won't who knows. The thing I wanted to say is he has a potentially fatal disease for which he does not receive treatment. I started feeling better that he was talking about getting off SSI and getting a job, and then I began to stress out about his health. I had to get a grip.

There is NOT ONE THING I can do about any of it. I needed to pull myself out of the deep, deep, fear trench, and focus on something else.

 

[katya02]

But more than this, to change he needs to be left to his own devices. When we're in a dither it does not help them. It focuses their attention on externals, putting the problem in us, not them. This is not good.

Thank you for this. He does focus on externals. After several conversations he now acknowledges that his alcohol problem is not caused by external circumstances, but his statement appears at the moment to be geared toward keeping me engaged in conversation rather than taking initiative to make changes.