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Advice Adult Daughter disowning me
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 730935" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I don't know that you can do much about your daughter but I am concerned about YOU. Are you usually this tied up with your adult kids? I get your son while he heals, but not normally. Are your kids still your entire life? Do you have friends, hobbies, a significant other, go on vacations that don't involve your kids, just have fun without them? Do you work or volunteer?</p><p></p><p>Two mid 20s adults should be able to care for themselves without your money or advice. How much money do youygive them? I personslly never gsve money once my kids moved out and they did great. None of tjem need mansions snd new cars that WE have to pay for? We think we are helping but we are making them irresponsible and entitled snd unable to fend for themselves. The help is for when they were under 18 or in college. It stops. They work and it's tough but they learn that they can do adulthood. it gratifies them. </p><p></p><p>Or if we keep caring for them monetarily and otherwise, they keep depending on us, they don't grow up, and they certainly don't appreciate being taken care of, even if the demands for more, more, more grow. They are like children if we support them, and they act like it. Did your son need you to buy and pay for everything? Does he have a career to go back to when he recovers? Will he pay you back? Does he pay for his own toys, such as his cell phone?</p><p></p><p>If your daughter has mental health issues, like I do, she is the only one who can care for them. You can't. She certainly is not so impaired she can't pick up the phone and make a therapy appointment but you can't force her to get help. It's up to her. Legally she is the one who has to do it. I had to do it. She can too.</p><p></p><p>Your adult kids need to get jobs without your help in my opinion and you probably could use a break from being mommy. We are not mommies forever. Our grown kids do what they want and we can't bandage their knees. We become Mother's to adults and hopefully have adult to adult relationships. This does not always work out, but we can learn coping skills by building good lives for ourselves that don't necessarily involve our adult kids. They can not be our world forever. Adult kids dont want to be. They resent us if they are everything to us and if we always want to be with them. Even very nice adult kids want us to have a life so that they can make a life for themselves. This is normal.</p><p></p><p>Maybe private therapy for you would help you cope. Many of us use or have used therapy. You sound like a kind, smart lady who could find many friends and have a hobbies...maybe take classes for fun and learning. Rekindle your romance with your husband. Hub and I have done that and we feel like teenagers!</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is being controlling and mean for now. Even dangerous...lying to put you in jail. Stay out of her way. Be safe. While she is doing this, maybe you can take a great vacation away from it all. I would not text or call her. Not at this time.</p><p></p><p> Also please look up borderline personality disorder to see if you think it fits your daughters behavior. Many times bipolar is misdiagnosed and it is really borderline. Buy the book Walking on Eggshells and live your own great life! Read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie too. Both will help you!! You need to change your role and love yourself first!</p><p></p><p>Love and light!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 730935, member: 1550"] I don't know that you can do much about your daughter but I am concerned about YOU. Are you usually this tied up with your adult kids? I get your son while he heals, but not normally. Are your kids still your entire life? Do you have friends, hobbies, a significant other, go on vacations that don't involve your kids, just have fun without them? Do you work or volunteer? Two mid 20s adults should be able to care for themselves without your money or advice. How much money do youygive them? I personslly never gsve money once my kids moved out and they did great. None of tjem need mansions snd new cars that WE have to pay for? We think we are helping but we are making them irresponsible and entitled snd unable to fend for themselves. The help is for when they were under 18 or in college. It stops. They work and it's tough but they learn that they can do adulthood. it gratifies them. Or if we keep caring for them monetarily and otherwise, they keep depending on us, they don't grow up, and they certainly don't appreciate being taken care of, even if the demands for more, more, more grow. They are like children if we support them, and they act like it. Did your son need you to buy and pay for everything? Does he have a career to go back to when he recovers? Will he pay you back? Does he pay for his own toys, such as his cell phone? If your daughter has mental health issues, like I do, she is the only one who can care for them. You can't. She certainly is not so impaired she can't pick up the phone and make a therapy appointment but you can't force her to get help. It's up to her. Legally she is the one who has to do it. I had to do it. She can too. Your adult kids need to get jobs without your help in my opinion and you probably could use a break from being mommy. We are not mommies forever. Our grown kids do what they want and we can't bandage their knees. We become Mother's to adults and hopefully have adult to adult relationships. This does not always work out, but we can learn coping skills by building good lives for ourselves that don't necessarily involve our adult kids. They can not be our world forever. Adult kids dont want to be. They resent us if they are everything to us and if we always want to be with them. Even very nice adult kids want us to have a life so that they can make a life for themselves. This is normal. Maybe private therapy for you would help you cope. Many of us use or have used therapy. You sound like a kind, smart lady who could find many friends and have a hobbies...maybe take classes for fun and learning. Rekindle your romance with your husband. Hub and I have done that and we feel like teenagers! Your daughter is being controlling and mean for now. Even dangerous...lying to put you in jail. Stay out of her way. Be safe. While she is doing this, maybe you can take a great vacation away from it all. I would not text or call her. Not at this time. Also please look up borderline personality disorder to see if you think it fits your daughters behavior. Many times bipolar is misdiagnosed and it is really borderline. Buy the book Walking on Eggshells and live your own great life! Read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie too. Both will help you!! You need to change your role and love yourself first! Love and light! [/QUOTE]
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