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advice needed from forum, I posted several months back. My 33 yr old son is in a short term rehab,
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 626996" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Shiela, addiction is a mental illness---it is in that category. It is a brain disease. Our adult children can't help that they have it, but they can help that they CHOOSE not to get help for it. That is where my son and I part ways.</p><p></p><p>If he ever did show that he was seriously working a program of change---most likely a concerted, continuous 12-step effort---there would be many people in our family who would come alongside him to provide assistance.</p><p></p><p>Like I told him some weeks ago---when we were standing in front of the day homeless shelter---after he texted me, my exhusband (his dad) and his brother that he guessed he would just kill himself---I drove there and was there within 10 minutes to tell him----AGAIN-----that every single time he threatens suicide I will call 911. </p><p></p><p>And then I told him this: If you turn your life around and we can all see that---not talk, but action----over a consistent period of time and WE decide how much time----there will be help and support for you. Until then, you're on your own.</p><p></p><p>Shiela, if we keep on enabling our adult addicted children, we are literally putting a loaded gun in their hands. We are doing for them what THEY should do for themselves.</p><p></p><p>Is addiction hard to recover from? You betcha it is. It will be the hardest fight of my son's life, and your son's life. It will be a daily fight. They will have to work a program for the rest of their lives. They will have to get honest. They will have to go back before they can go forward. They will have to live in a crummy place. They will have to work two jobs. They will have to find a way to go to 12-step meetings every day for 90 days to start, and then they will still have to get to work, get home and deal with life. This is life. Life is not easy, on its best day. </p><p></p><p>This is what adults do who face problems. Our adult addicted children have allowed their addiction to take over their lives. They have allowed it by not hitting their bottom. You would think----surely----that being homeless on the street for 45 days would be somebody's bottom. Sleeping in abandoned houses. Walking around town. You would think that being homeless for 30 days in a strange city, sleeping and living at a McDonald's restaurant, would be somebody's bottom. No shower for 30 days. You would think that living in a strange city from Dec. 22 through January 8 in one of the coldest winters on record---through Christmas---would be somebody's bottom. Wouldn't you Shiela?</p><p></p><p>But it wasn't for my son. He has yet to hit his bottom, and it is unfathomable to me. Why? Because it's addiction I'm looking at, not my real son. Addiction has completely taken him over. And HE continues to prefer that life---jail, homelessness, walking the streets, shoplifting---that life, instead of doing the hard work----the very hard work---of change. </p><p></p><p>There is so much help out there in the world for people who really want it. </p><p></p><p>Shiela, I see myself, the old enabling self of me, as similiar to my son. I didn't change---I didn't stop---I couldn't even think of stopping, until I was completely and utterly sick to my soul with it all. I was a wreck. I was anxious. I was depressed. I was terrified. I was living life moment to moment. I thought I was my son. I couldn't see any separation between me and him. </p><p>How could this be happening? It was awful and it was surreal and it is not a place I ever want to go back to again.</p><p></p><p>It sounds harsh to say we are separate people. It feels harsh to say it and to write it. He is my precious son, but Shiela, we are two separate people and he is 25 years old and it's way, way, way past time for him to stand on his own, whether that's in a rehab facility, in a jail, on the street, in a crummy apartment as he works to rebuild his life---wherever and whatever his life looks like, it is HIS to have and to make. </p><p></p><p>I know that sounds harsh. But that is reality, Shiela. That is where I have gotten to, inch by inch, minute by minute, working hard to get there. Working on myself every single day. Shiela, I am happy. I feel a lot of joy in my life. I am not depressed. I am not anxious. I am grateful. I am contented. </p><p></p><p>Of course I have my moments (sometimes hours, sometimes a day or two or a few days or even a week) but Shiela, I have many, many more good moments today than bad moments. Like RE said, once you get over the first hump and the second and the third, the momentum of feeling better, feeling happier, will start to take over and you will want more and more of it, so you will be happy to do the work.</p><p></p><p>Please trust us here. We have been there and done that. We are all alike. We have been very good parents---not perfect---but very good ones, who would stand in front of a train for our kids. </p><p></p><p>But we have had to fight this fight to reclaim our lives, Shiela. Otherwise what is there for us?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 626996, member: 17542"] Shiela, addiction is a mental illness---it is in that category. It is a brain disease. Our adult children can't help that they have it, but they can help that they CHOOSE not to get help for it. That is where my son and I part ways. If he ever did show that he was seriously working a program of change---most likely a concerted, continuous 12-step effort---there would be many people in our family who would come alongside him to provide assistance. Like I told him some weeks ago---when we were standing in front of the day homeless shelter---after he texted me, my exhusband (his dad) and his brother that he guessed he would just kill himself---I drove there and was there within 10 minutes to tell him----AGAIN-----that every single time he threatens suicide I will call 911. And then I told him this: If you turn your life around and we can all see that---not talk, but action----over a consistent period of time and WE decide how much time----there will be help and support for you. Until then, you're on your own. Shiela, if we keep on enabling our adult addicted children, we are literally putting a loaded gun in their hands. We are doing for them what THEY should do for themselves. Is addiction hard to recover from? You betcha it is. It will be the hardest fight of my son's life, and your son's life. It will be a daily fight. They will have to work a program for the rest of their lives. They will have to get honest. They will have to go back before they can go forward. They will have to live in a crummy place. They will have to work two jobs. They will have to find a way to go to 12-step meetings every day for 90 days to start, and then they will still have to get to work, get home and deal with life. This is life. Life is not easy, on its best day. This is what adults do who face problems. Our adult addicted children have allowed their addiction to take over their lives. They have allowed it by not hitting their bottom. You would think----surely----that being homeless on the street for 45 days would be somebody's bottom. Sleeping in abandoned houses. Walking around town. You would think that being homeless for 30 days in a strange city, sleeping and living at a McDonald's restaurant, would be somebody's bottom. No shower for 30 days. You would think that living in a strange city from Dec. 22 through January 8 in one of the coldest winters on record---through Christmas---would be somebody's bottom. Wouldn't you Shiela? But it wasn't for my son. He has yet to hit his bottom, and it is unfathomable to me. Why? Because it's addiction I'm looking at, not my real son. Addiction has completely taken him over. And HE continues to prefer that life---jail, homelessness, walking the streets, shoplifting---that life, instead of doing the hard work----the very hard work---of change. There is so much help out there in the world for people who really want it. Shiela, I see myself, the old enabling self of me, as similiar to my son. I didn't change---I didn't stop---I couldn't even think of stopping, until I was completely and utterly sick to my soul with it all. I was a wreck. I was anxious. I was depressed. I was terrified. I was living life moment to moment. I thought I was my son. I couldn't see any separation between me and him. How could this be happening? It was awful and it was surreal and it is not a place I ever want to go back to again. It sounds harsh to say we are separate people. It feels harsh to say it and to write it. He is my precious son, but Shiela, we are two separate people and he is 25 years old and it's way, way, way past time for him to stand on his own, whether that's in a rehab facility, in a jail, on the street, in a crummy apartment as he works to rebuild his life---wherever and whatever his life looks like, it is HIS to have and to make. I know that sounds harsh. But that is reality, Shiela. That is where I have gotten to, inch by inch, minute by minute, working hard to get there. Working on myself every single day. Shiela, I am happy. I feel a lot of joy in my life. I am not depressed. I am not anxious. I am grateful. I am contented. Of course I have my moments (sometimes hours, sometimes a day or two or a few days or even a week) but Shiela, I have many, many more good moments today than bad moments. Like RE said, once you get over the first hump and the second and the third, the momentum of feeling better, feeling happier, will start to take over and you will want more and more of it, so you will be happy to do the work. Please trust us here. We have been there and done that. We are all alike. We have been very good parents---not perfect---but very good ones, who would stand in front of a train for our kids. But we have had to fight this fight to reclaim our lives, Shiela. Otherwise what is there for us? [/QUOTE]
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advice needed from forum, I posted several months back. My 33 yr old son is in a short term rehab,
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