Advice please

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nessie, Aug 8, 2017.

  1. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    I am picking up my son for a few hours tomorrow and would very much like to avoid the drama these meetings usually end in, I really do not have the strength.

    What I want to ensure is that he knows I care and am interested in his life but also that I can no longer give him money and be manipulated by him. Do I just bite my tongue and say nothing and try to enjoy it? I always find our meetings so draining but I desperately want to maintain a relationship with him. My feelings towards him are all over the place...anger, love, despair, sorrow.. so hard. Any advice would be appreciated.
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am in the same spot with our Son Nessie drained. I am and will focus on what would change if. And if I let him into our home nothing would change for the better, things would only get worse and and I then vision what this would look like for all of us. This gives me the strength to move forward and do what I need to do. Stay strong for us.
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  3. I have learned with my daughter that the weaker I am, the more control over me she took. It's so hard Nessie to begin this process but I would tell him of your plans of no money or being manipulated by him.

    Maybe take him to a public place and tell him this news, if he reacts badly tell him you love him but that you are leaving as it's upsetting to you. Leave on a positive note and let him figure out what relationship he wants with you.

    My daughter herself decided to leave after my husband and I started evicting her out of her home. The day I took her, she told me that she had been using us and she was sorry. So many years of issues and us helping her lead to this point. I kept her away from the life she wanted. Not even 3 days she has been away from us and is back to everything that got her into troubles.

    Good luck today Nessie. (((HUGS)))
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You dont have to set up a dramatic confrontation. You know it wont end well. There is no need to tell him your plans. As things come up just do it.

    Actions always speak louder than words.

    It is always a good idea to see them in public places, not in our homes where they can destroy things or hurt us if they dont like a choice we make.

    Good luck.
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    I agree with the others.

    You will get the confrontation that you don't want if you tell him of your resolve to cut off the enabling.

    I would keep the meet-up light, friendly, and casual.

    Talk about things that are neutral, fun, lighthearted.

    Don't bring up his living situation or lifestyle choices.

    He is an adult who is choosing his path, and you are the parent of an adult who is going to let him figure out things for himself. Don't insert yourself into his business in any way.

    Stay in public places. Don't bring him to your home.

    If he asks for money or favors, or starts in with a sob story, tell him you have faith that he can manage his life. Change the subject.

    If he won't drop it, you may need to cut the meeting short.

    Hold onto your boundaries.

    This will be hard at first, but will get easier over time.

    Good luck.

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  6. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    Somewhere out there I think you are right I just need to have maintain my own boundaries. I'm aware giving him money is enabling him to continue his destructive path and I suppose I do it to maintain contact. In some mixed up way it makes me feel like I am taking care of him and I know the opposite is true.

    I will avoid confrontations and try not to have any expectations. Michelle, you are right also, it is him who needs to figure out what kind of a relationship he wants with me.

    Little boy lost it really is draining. Almost every hour of every day I think of him and this has to stop. I cannot change what is going to happen because he is making his own choices. I'm sorry that we all find ourselves in this turmoil.
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

  8. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Even when our son disagrees with us...anger, we remind him we love him and we have faith in him.

    He usually says he loves us, our kid won't ask for stuff, and we give little things to try not to enable. Food...if I give gas I go with them.

    But I don't talk about future, plans or work. I am working ion stAying in this place of detached t because it is a good hold in place where we can communicate on occasion and not be strained.

    Yes, it will take restraint..but it's so much better than continuously being backed into a corner
  9. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    Nessie - you are starting your detachment journey - and that is a good thing.

    The others have offered sage advice. Try to have this as a happy meeting in a public place with no conditions stated out loud but please have your boundaries in place. If the meeting starts going sideways and you are in a public place, simply state that you are leaving and say goodbye. Nothing will be gained by a fight.

    I have found that when my daughter starts with the sob story or demands money, I am now able to respond with a firm, "No" followed with a "I know you'll be able to figure this out on your own." In the 3 years that my daughter has been running around the world, I have been guilty of supporting it by bailing her out of jail, sending money handouts and booking flights/buses/trains/hotels. She hasn't changed one bit - in fact, she has become worse. And with every drama, my emotional roller-coaster got larger. I'm done with the amusement park. And I'm feeling happier and calmer than I have in years. It doesn't mean I love her any less. It means that I won't love her behaviour or be a party to her self-destruction. And the big thing for me is admitting I am powerless to help her in her journey - she is in G*d's hands.

    Sending you hugs and happy thoughts for your visit with your son.
  10. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    Surprisingly spent a couple of pleasurable hours with my son. No confrontation and no drama. Small victory I know but a victory none the less

    Thanks for all the advice x
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  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Nessie, if we dont confront we have better times. I am working on this with my oldest son and he is learning too. Last afternoon he even said to me (shock) "Thanks for talking to me." What a step forward. We are both still in a process :)