Hi everyone. I've posted before about S/O's sister. She has been addicted to opiate based pain medications for several years. She's up to over $150K GONE from her husband's military compensation payments for injuries and his pension buy out (he received a sum for each year of service when he retired). He now is working a civilian position for the military because his very good pension will never support them and cover their massive debts. He's in worse finances than when they married 25+ years ago. She's totaled her car, twice. She's stolen from many including S/O catching her the day before their step fathers funeral as she in the middle of the night broke into a lock box with valuables and was stuffing things down her pants! She's stolen their mothers medications, been doctor shopping etc. She's been terrible towards her husband and her children, to everyone really, including S/O and I. We've had zero contact with her since she moved several hours south of our town over a year ago. We quite frankly do NOT miss this version of his sister although we do hope she gets help and gets her life back on track. Anyhow, S/O's mother has a few times tried to facilitate a meeting with us all but it is not going to happen. We thought she was finally clear on the fact that we don't want anyone attempting to bring her and us back together to try to resolve things. We've been standing firm on being out of her life until she's not only clean but also capable of healthy relationships (She had lovely qualities pre drugs, but she also has also been selfish to a large degree, uses others often for her own wants (including us OFTEN) and we just don't want that again in our lives even if she's clean. She needs some personal growth first if that makes sense. Right before the weekend we had a call from mother in law asking us if sister could drop her 15 year old (a MAJOR difficult child might I add, fire starter, drug and alcohol user, thief, and worst for us he was found attempting to sexually assault his older sister in her sleep before they relocated). He would have been with us for a week. S/O took the call (I was sleeping) and firmly refused. We were quite shocked sister in law would have mother in law approach US of all people. Friday was Canada Day. S/O, easy child and I had gone out for several hours to a local event/fundraiser. We returned home to find a note on our door from sister in law and brother in law saying they'd been here to say "hello and stuff" and sorry they'd missed us. S/O turned a bit red (rare for him) and then locked our front door. Without words I knew it was because of sister in law's former habit of a quick rap on our door before she'd walk in of her own accord. Later in the day S/O went out to the lake on his bike. I thought the knock on the door was our neighbor across the street as she had mentioned earlier in the day that she was off to do errands but she'd pop by later as we'd been discussing my roses and she said she had rose cages she no longer had use for that would help me train my roses to grow the direction I want them to. To my shock, there was sister in law at the door. I was so mad at myself for not looking out to see who it was, I wouldn't have answered had I done so. I was not ignorant, my tone was very calm bordering on monotone. She attempted to walk in the house but I pulled the door closed a bit and stood in the way so she was left standing outside. She prattled on about how she'd heard of our engagement and S/O's graduation with honors and was so happy for us etc. I politely asked if there was a particular reason for her stopping by after such a long period of no contact. She said she missed us and wanted to spend some time talking with us to clear "this entire mess up" and how she needs to be able to attend her own brothers wedding. I don't know if this was right or wrong of me, but I responded in a non emotional tone but perhaps in hindsight my wording wasn't the most eloquent. I told her that I could see it being important to her but that from our perspective she is the last person we at this time would be wanting at our wedding as we can't trust her to stay clean, not make a spectacle and that we were determining our very small guest list based on those closest to us that could truly share our special day as they also share in our lives. She turned weepy and went on to say how she wants to have us in her life. I responded saying I'm sure your brother would love his own sister in his life too however her choices and lifestyle make that impossible at this time and that it would remain this way until not only was she clean but until she was capable of a healthy relationship that was never again based on using us for her own needs. She said she's been on methadone via her doctor for 3 weeks and she's "trying". I told her that S/O and I both wish her the best of luck and that we truly mean it. That it is impossible to ignore however how recently mother in law had to call a ambulance when she OD'ed on mother in law's sofa, or how recently she stole money from us, mother in law's medications, how recently we bailed out her daughter so she could EAT because the money was taken to feed her drug habit. That trust is earned and built over time and that I wish her luck on her journey but she must remember that she has left a trail of pain and hurt in her wake. She then looked at me so dazed and confused and honest to goodness asked me how on earth her drug use hurt me and S/O. I responded : That answer tells me that S/O and I are right in standing firm with tough love. That she might be on methadone instead of illegally obtained opiates but her mind is still diseased from addiction and a person working any kind of recovery will be able to see what things she did to destroy respect and trust and to hurt others. I then told her I couldn't see that there was more to say and said that we DO wish her luck and hope that she decides recovery is more than kicking the habit of the drug. I shut the door. S/O was a long time returning home. Old habits die hard, she knew since he was off on his bike that he'd be at the lake and sure enough she tracked him down with her husband and kids and dog in tow. Cornered him on the beach. He spoke briefly to her, her saying basically the same thing as she had to me, him saying basically the same I'd said to her. He then told her that SHE is not ready to be trying to heal broken relationships, that she needs to think of herself, her husband and kids right now, fix all of those problems and work on herself and THEN maybe she'd be healthy enough to try to repair the broken relationship between her and the two of us. He then came home. Well mother in law called yesterday to say that she was thrilled that although it was difficult for us all, she was so happy that we've started to mend fences with sister in law. HUH?!?!?!?! And how sister in law is up at mother in law's for the week and will be stopping by as she passes through our town again on her way home next week. HUH?!?!?! S/O did tell mother in law she'd got it wrong and obviously sister in law chose to read something into the dialogues that was NOT accurate. That the message was given clearly, we are not at this time interested in a relationship and we wish her well and firmly believe right now she needs to not worry about us but focus on herself and her husband and kids, period. mother in law then carried on at how this was destroying the family and we needed to see that sister in law is trying. Trying how exactly? By the blank look of shock that she somehow hurt us or used us? sister in law just wants her life back as she knew it and as easily as possible as to avoid the realities of facing the mess her life is in due to her choices and actions. She forgets the state of withdrawl she arrived here in at one point to go through on MY sofa in front of MY kids so that HER kids wouldn't see their junkie mother with the sweats, shakes, etc. She forgets how we had to tell her to go home and do this because our home is not the place for a detox, a DETOX might be good (and we gave her the number and offered to escort her there). She of course left here and straight to her dealers house. The same dealer I might add that she had message me online to tell me to do the world and her brother a favor and commit suicide. Um, no clue what kind of mess she's got to fix at some point? Hrmph! So it's going to be up to me to deal with sister in law popping up again at the end of the week, that is if S/O gets this new job he'll be at work and i"ll be alone here. We made it clear to mother in law that sister in law should NOT dare stop by again on her way through town but S/O and I both know that message won't be given as mother in law wants to play "peace keeper" among her children. So sister in law will end up on my door. What would you all do? Ignore her and pretend I'm not home? Open the door and say something? Nothing has changed for S/O and I in terms of where we stand with sister in law. She truly looked strung out at our door and S/O says she did to him too and he point blank said to her "methadone huh? So why do you look higher than a kite right now and ready to pass out with your head nodding off just like you always have when you're out of your tree and used to show up at my place". This is NOT a good week for people to push my buttons. I'm clinging to things to stay busy and to keep my mind busy as this is the week I'm told my father is going to finally be arrested. I know that when that call comes I'm going to have emotions and strong ones at that. I'm human and no superhero that can detach so completely that his arrest after 25+ years won't affect me greatly. It will NOT be a good time to tick me off as i'm sure you can all understand. What do you all think the right approach is here? S/O says do what I feel is right for me if he is not home to handle the situation. Mind you he says if he is home he too has no clue what the right way to handle her stopping by is either. We're both at a loss. Something tells me the wisdom on this board will offer great suggestions on what to do if she does pop by here (which we're pretty certain she will even if mother in law tells her my message to NOT show up here).