My difficult child (16) was most recently in a hospital based day treatment program for substance, anxiety, and ODD. (He got kicked out last week.) His main drug of choice of is "just" weed. Honestly, if he could smoke weed like a "normal" person it wouldn't even bother me much…. say if I thought he was getting high once a month or even once a week or so… but it's a everyday and a lot and has very seriously interfered with his life and he also experiments with other substances. He's a year and half behind in school. Periodically violent around the house. Though we are in a calm patch right now. He got kicked out because he got high with other kids from the program, which was basically the program's one rule-- don't get high with other kids from here. Meanwhile, I thought he has been staying sober. We had gone 2 weeks of having a pleasant household- turns it it was 2 weeks that he'd been getting high-- so he was nice because he was stoned. So, he was in the program for one month. Now he's waiting to be admitted to a residential rehab-- didn't have school all last week because he's been expelled from one place and not yet in the next place. There's always some new program waiting to happen and I don't have to coordinate this next one because the day testament place is handling it, which is lovely. I am proud that I really stayed out of it. But this is the thing, and the place where maybe someone has some wisdom to offer. He's very much in a f* it state of mind-- like he can get as high as he wants as often as he wants and it doesn't matter because he's about to go to rehab. He has no intention of actually getting sober. The clinical rec is for a year long program but he would agree to a month so that's where we are starting…. Tonight he came home drunk. I've never seen him drunk before and I find myself responding at a whole different level. I feel disgusted. He disgusts me. I've seen him on adder all, on benzos, on ex, and certainly high on pot but I've never felt this tone within myself-- it's triggering something in me and I don't know why. So what I have on plate is two fold-- sort of what to "do" with this new feeling (I guess just feel it)… but the thing is-- I want there to actually be something I CAN DO about the way he is acting-- like it's a just a big party that's because he's about to go away so nothing really matters. I know in my heart though that there is nothing I can do. Is that true? I just have to watch? The money is another issue. He works some for me. He's helpful and good at it and it's the one iota of us getting along, being connected that we have. But it means I give him money. The thing is that I thought he was sober. I will always keep my safety first and when I learned that we were back to limbo and friction, which, traditionally, can be a dangerous place for me-- if I remove the working there is more likely going to be danger-- it isn't uncommon for it to start because he wants money. …but he has no problem steeling from me. I "lost" about $30 just yesterday. I can't prove it was him. There's no consequence I can impose either. So I just let it roll off of me and remember to start using the safe more diligently again…. It isn't healthy for me to shove the anger but I don't know how to express it. There's a lot of futility. Maybe expressing it to him isn't useful. Maybe it will be good enough for me write here that I am angry. I texted his probation officer that he came in drunk (30 mins after his curfew). (Probation officer is in place bc I had difficult child arrested for criminal mischief -- breaking stuff around the house). PO is great-- but he texted back that he will let the new treatment place know and reminded me that he's going in next week. I am frustrated. Frustrated that there can't be a consecquence. Looking forward to the 1 month break, but I will miss difficult child. And also dreading the whatever comes next because 1 month is only 1 month. Futility. The only resting place seems like knowing that 1 month does mean 1 month closer to 18. In 17 1/2 months he will be 18. Only I'm not sure anything will be easier then. The most mystifying part of this process is the utter lack of resolution. It's a story that just keep tumbling along.