Aggressive 5 year old?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by kingrose021, Jun 16, 2016.

  1. kingrose021

    kingrose021 New Member

    Not my kid, but I am related and see him on a daily basis. (cousin living in the same house).

    He's 5 years old. Has two siblings. His own DS, Vita, Playstation, WII... over 50+ own games for all.

    He gets so aggressive over the simplest things. No gummy snacks left, no ice cream, no chocolate, somebody taking "his" (living room) TV away from him when playing video games, somebody not playing with him, somebody not watching him play video games...the list goes on forever.

    He's gotten to the point (2 years ago, maybe 1 1/2), where he is hitting, kicking, screaming.. he picks up the nearest item and throws it at whoever. I've been the victim many times. I've gotten bruises, even blood before. These recent months, he's been attempting to go after our dogs and injury them now (they're tiny dogs). When he's mad, he kicks them. All the mom does is pull him away and say "now, don't hit the dogs", each time it happens, which has to be over 10 times now.

    His siblings are both over 15+. They've told me many times that they get under the weather due to the lack of time their parents want to spend with them ever since their little brother came. They are also victims of his aggressiveness. One attempts to play with him, while the other keeps their distance and avoid conversation at all times. I just witnessed the other day of the sister asking if they could take a vacation (even showed them a presentation), and the mom and dad both say no yet they have the money. When she walked back to her room, she brought up the fact that she'll be gone for college in three years and they'll regret not wanting to spend time with her. At that point, I was pretty angry with them.

    With the video games, that's all he wants to do. Everytime I try to bring up "starting education, or being outside" with the parents, it's ignored. Not to forget the fact that they allow him to play M rated games that include guns, fighting, and vulgar language. One thing that really gets me mad as well is the fact that the two older siblings (15+ with jobs!!!), are not allowed to have a phone yet the 5 year old gets all these game systems?

    No time-outs, no anything. Just "don't do that again's".

    Overall, I'm pretty confused and upset. There's an aggressive 5 year old, and two older siblings who don't feel like they're apart of the family anymore. Is there any way or advice I could give to these parents to help them?
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    When the siblings say "since there brother came" do you mean adopted? If so, at what age? He could have a variety of issues, but is unlikely willful bad behavior...more info needed please to help better.

    Impossible without understanding the family dynamics though to get a picture of what is going on. Maybe the girls are not trustworthy with cell phones. Are they twins?

    Having said that, it is not your place interfere in this family in my opinion. Not all kids get vacations. The girls sound entitled. I am close to my kids without having taken vacations...not getting it. Can you explain? What do you want to do? Are you an adult? Why do you feel it is your place to involve yourself?

    If you see honest abuse, do call CPS. Your idea of bad parenting though is not going to be considered abuse...does the little boy get hit or harshly punished?
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2016
  3. kingrose021

    kingrose021 New Member

    Sorry about that. I guess I could have made it more understanding. "Since he came", meaning when he was born. :)
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Ok, so you are an adult? What do you think you can do? You are not the parents. It is really up to them. Seriously, the five year old playing videogames and the girls not having cell phones does not count as abuse.

    Why did you post? What is it you want from us so that we know?
  5. kingrose021

    kingrose021 New Member

    Indeed, I am not the parents, but I am close to their kids enough so they can think of me as one. I never said ANYTHING about it being "abuse". I just wanted some advice on how to help the kid's behaviour, since the parents don't do anything besides say 'stop'. And you're right, I forgot that a 5 year old playing M-rated games (that include profanity which he repeats, sexual themes that show clear nudity and events) wasn't really something to worry about, so sorry about that.
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately... for both you and this kid, there isn't anything you can actually do that will modify this kid's behavior.

    There are lots of things the parents could do. But they don't seem to be open to any input.
    And the things that are going on are not things that CPS could be called for.
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I don't think you can do anything. The child needs to be evaluated. He seems as if something is more wrong with him than not being disciplined enough. Many kids are not disciplined but are not violent. Autistic spectrum comes to mind as one of many possibilities. It is out of your league and theirs. They need professional intervention and only the parents can do it. If he acts like this at school, the parents will be pressured to do something. He seems clearly to be a differently wired child, which is not the fault of anyone.

    Good luck.
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    King rose... It must be hard to live in that chaos. Has he started kindergarten yet? Does he go to any preschool or day care where other adults have some responsibility for him? I am sure a kindergarten teacher will see some red flags and talk to the parents about some areas he needs work with.

    I know it is hard, but maybe if you engage the older teens in a simple board or card game, he might see that you are having fun together and want to join in. I know, not as exciting as video games... But maybe if you really act out how great a time you are having, bphe will be intrigued.

    If he is being a real pain, and the parents aren't doing their job, I would pick up the dog, go to my room or a different area of the house and try to ignore. Hopefully the parents will step up.

    Try to encourage the teen siblings and maybe get them out of the house, if only to walk the mall, or get books from the library.

    You are trying to look out for everyone, but you are in a difficult place, as you have no authority. Is there a reason they don't have their own home? Will they be moving on soon? Is this a child with a second husband and the older teens are feeling left out?

    Good luck. KSM
  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    And I agree, mature video games are very inappropriate! KSM
  10. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member


    I think it's nice that you care enough to want to help. I just think that you are in a bad position to do so. It is very hard when you are not the parent and the parent doesn't seem to want help. I have a friend who has a son whose behavior is terrible, but she can't or won't see it. For me it was just a matter of separating us from him, because he was aggressive towards my kids. For you, I'm guessing that it's not that easy.

    I like KSM's advice. Since the older children feel neglected maybe you can make an effort to spend time with them doing things where you can bond and talk. I don't believe video games are one of those things.

    The other suggestion I like of KSM's is to separate yourself as much as possible from the boy when he exhibits negative behavior. If he is playing inappropriate games then take the dogs and go into your room (if that's a possibility) Saying, "I don't like this game it is too {whatever}" When he begins to act out, again, quietly take the dogs and walk away. Maybe if he feels like he isn't getting attention for his behavior he will tone it down. I don't know.

    Like KSM said, maybe if he sees his siblings getting attention for less aggressive behavior he will tone his down.

    I am not anti-video game, by any means, but I do believe that there are some games that are not appropriate for young children.

    I also see what you are trying to illustrate about the older child and the vacation. I don't think that it is so much she is demanding a vacation, but trying to get her parents to spend time with her. I think that is sad.
  11. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    Sounds like the 5 year old is not really being disciplined and the older kids are not getting the time and attention they need. With the older ones we tend to forget that even tho they may be more independent they still need our time and attention. The younger one sounds like a spoiled brat to me. I'm not seeing it as a mental type issue but more of an issue with boundaries not being set or enforced. I work in a day care/pre school. We have kids like that and when you see them with their parents you understand where it's coming from. I may be wrong, wouldn't be the first time. I do think tho if it's not currently a psychological issue it will be in the near future when someone does set and enforce boundaries and the child can't handle it. This one, from the amount of info we have, I blame solely on the parents.
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  12. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    All "parents" [adults] MUST have the same rules/consequences for the kid. You can't do a darn thing by yourself...

    If it is your house and they are guests, then you can set you own rules which everyone must abide by. And if their kid is not following your rules, then you can ask them to move elsewhere.

    If it is not your house, then no much you can do.

    You can suggest the parents BOTH go to parenting classes (ask at local schools where these classes are). But if they don't follow your advice, then that is that!

    FYI - The first time that kid did those things to me, OFF would go the video games!
  13. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Ok, looks like you're not in the U.S. all countries deal with this differently. In the U.S. an evaluative n would be in order. Honestly, I did not discipline my kids. We were very relaxed and chill and none of the kids acted this way or even close. I think something is wrong with him, but don't know if there is evaluating in school or by professionals where you are. Brat? I don't see it and I worked in child care centers and did foster care.not course I live in the U.S. and we may see things in a different light. This behavior is really not okay. Regardless of why. I think it should be evaluated. Doubt he'd respond to normal parenting methods.

    At any rate, it doesn't sound as if there is anything thing you can do anyway. Maybe talk to the parents? If they are not concerned, they eventually will be.
  14. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Violence against animals is an early warning sign of psychopathy.

    This child sounds like he has a serious mental illness. A murderer in training.

    As others have stated there is really nothing you can do except the following suggestions:

    1) Remove yourself from the situation as much as possible for your own sanity.
    2) Be a safe resource and sounding board for the adolescents.
    3) If you have any influence with this child's parents, point out the warning signs you see and urge them to seek an evaluation.
    4) If he actually injures you or another member of the family. call the police. There is a possibility that he will be hospitalized.
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  15. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    King rose, I hope you come back to the board. Maybe some posts weren't phrased in such a way for you to find helpful. But you are in a hard place. There is not much you can do to stop the behavior. But as a concerned adult, it was good of you to reach out. There is so much violence in the world...and some of these children grow up and hurt others, as it is the coping skill that worked for them as a child.

  16. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    I doubt she will be back. I really can't blame her.
  17. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    We try to give our best advice. The truth is there is nothing she can do. She has no power. Not her kids.

    I have been here 16 years and don't always like what I'm told. But I know everyone meant well.

    Many people come and leave. We can't really help everyone. We do try. I think EVERYONE here was as honest as they know how to be. It doesn't help the board to criticize other people who try to help just because we personally don't think the response is correct.

    We are just moms, not professionals, and all of us have been through a lot.

    All I'm going to say about this
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2016
  18. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    I think that there is a a way to say things. My understanding is that this was supposed to be "a soft place to land."

    Someone came here, troubled, looking for advice. Her landing could have been made a little softer.

    True confession, a number of years ago I was in the same place as she and looking for help and was "greeted" in much the same way. I did not come back until this year and only because there had been a LOT of changes in this community.

    I feel bad for Rose. I think she, honestly, wanted some help.
  19. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Just to be pedantic, the original poster is a man :) I agree he sounded concerned and wanted help.
  20. TWil

    TWil New Member

    Based on the behaviors you have described, it sounds as if this child needs an intensive ABA program. The first thing that needs to be done is a Functional Behavior Assessment (FBA). This will help to determine the function of his behavior, what is causing/maintaining his maladaptive behaviors.