Aly wants out!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Just keep swimming, Jan 23, 2007.

  1. houseofcards

    houseofcards New Member


    I will keep Ally and you in my prayers, this does sound serious. The poor girl must be going through an awful lot of deep thinking or as you say(hope you are wrong) maybe she is begining to lose touch again. So sorry you all have to go through this.
     
  2. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Thinking of you and your family. Can't help thinking about the past assignment given by Aly's teacher, bringing up bio family. After a calmer period might be worth mentioning again to teacher the immense pain/grief that such a topic can ignite. Hope Aly can pull herself together and move forward....saying prayers....

    :smile:
     
  3. Just keep swimming

    Just keep swimming New Member

    Thank you all so much. Sorry, I am not much support to anyone else right now, by back is reall bad and this whole thing with Aly has done me in.

    therapist and Aly and I came up with a way for Aly to express her feelings about bio family: she started a journal with drawings and such. I got into it with her, letting her use all my crafting/stamping supplies. She wants husband to pull out all our old pictures of when we were little, any old family photos from our family and her "birth/adoption" story book this weekend so that she can copy the pictures and put them in her journal. It is supposed to be crummy weather here this weekend and it is something I can help her with from my "throne" on the couch!

    I talked with an adult adoptee friend of mine and she said her "emptiness" didn't start till she was about 14, but when it did, she acted out in horrible ways to hurt her adoptive family and ended up running away to find her bios when she was 16. She found bio mom and mom was in horrible shape, drugging, etc. My friend ended up going back "home" when she was 17 and started to really feel that her adoptive placement was her "real" family. Encouraging, yet scary at the same time. She and Aly are close and she wants to take Aly "shopping" sometime soon so that they can chat a bit. I thank God for this intelligent, brave woman, she is such a blessing in our lives!

    I suspect this will be an ongoing struggle for our Miss Aly but one I pray we can help her through.

    Thank you to all my cyber family, you guys are ALWAYS here for me!

    Love to you all,
    Vickie
     
  4. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    My difficult child isn't adopted but we did deal with the absentee father for years. When she got into school she realized that most kids have two parents. It was really hard for her.

    she started making up stories where he was always the "hero". She thought he hung the moon. She had no idea where he was, and neither did I.

    Now, he is back in her life with supervised visits twice a month. The hero complex is gone. She doesn't mind him coming but could really care less. She never talks about him or asks to call him.
    n
    It was like it satisfied her curiosity and she's done with the obsession now. She knows he isn't a hero. Usually when he comes she just asks him to buy her things. He is still under the impression he can buy her so it works out. He's an idiot and hoestly I think she knows that now.

    Have you thought about letting her see bio mom? I know it won't be easy for you or anyone else, but maybe it will get this out of her system. :confused:

    steph
     
  5. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Vickie,

    wm has a special box of treasures that he has been collecting for his bio brother - for when he sees him again.

    Just a hint...give Aly copies of those pictures, not the originals. She may destroy them in a rage & you'd be left with nothing. been there done that.

    Take care! :warrior:
     
  6. OTE

    OTE Guest

    Prayers for both you and Aly. Yes, this too shall pass, but maybe not for some time.
     
  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    This may seem controversial and I KNOW the problem is more severe than my suggestion will imply - but can you say to her, "Most people go through a sense of not belonging at some stage. It can feel very lonely and isolating. Generally it's part of growing up. Whenever we feel sad, or angry, or lonely, we try to find a reason for it. Sometimes we can find the right reason and sometimes we can't. Sometimes there IS no reason. But because you've been adopted, you have a ready-made reason handy that you can grab, and say, 'This must be it.' And it's possible that you're right. But then, it's also likely that simply being adopted isn't the reason you feel you don't fit in, because a lot of kids who are loved by their families, who have never been adopted, STILL feel like they don't belong. And a lot of them never work out why - the feeling just goes away when they get older and discover that there are many ways to belong that can take us time to recognise."

    She's only 9, it's so hard. But the best place to learn to belong is in your own heart - you have to learn to belong to yourself, before you can feel you belong to the people who love you. It's very hard to accept that you are loved when you can't love yourself.

    Can she understand that, with everything else she has to deal with? And I do agree, I think the family tree project has stirred up a lot of confused feelings for her.

    I used to feel I didn't belong. One of my sisters used to tell me I was adopted - that I wasn't even human, but a little pig that had been taught to walk on hind legs and talk, and behave like a human. She was really hateful, but her attack worked because in the first place I felt too different. I can look at the broader picture now and know that she was just being mean, but the feeling different came first. I couldn't talk to anyone about how I felt, I had few people I could relate to or who would tolerate me, I had pale-skinned sisters but I was dark-skinned because I spent so much time in the sun and often I was almost as dark as the Aboriginal kids at my school. I used to wonder if I shouldn't be living with them instead. I wanted to be considered a black - at least I would have belonged, I figured. It took a long time for me to realise that inside my head I DO belong, and I can look back and see the people who WERE there for me, as much as they could be. But when you're young and insecure, it's hard to see this. I look at photos and I see that I'm just dark, like my mother. Now, it wouldn't really matter to me. But when I was little, it mattered very much because it was very lonely inside my head.

    I do hope Aly can find some peace soon (and you, too). You're doing the best you can for her. Just keep loving her and hopefully soon she'll learn that she is worthy of being loved for who she is, not where she came from.

    Marg