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Am I a Meddling Mom? Sorry it's long
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 132622" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I must admit, I'm thinking of a few bad words about girlfriend as well. "Manipulative little cow" comes to mind. EVERYTHING is about her, so entirely - can't difficult child see this? She changed the time for dinner, because HE didn't talk to HER for long enough (by her definition) the night before. Then she blames him for the problems SHE is causing. What really gets me - her parents are buying into this, also blaming difficult child (and you) for the chaos girlfriend is manufacturing.</p><p></p><p>She is sounding more and more like a potential stalker. She needs his emotional instability as a measure of how lovable she is - if she can push him into meltdown/breakdown, then (to her mind) he cares about her so much that he is literally driven insane by his need for her. Again - it's all about HER.</p><p></p><p>I went through the "I hate her for breaking up with me, it has all been a total waste of my time and my energy" with difficult child 1. We workshopped it together. I pointed out that the relationship had continued for x number of weeks/months/years, and for much of that time it was a successful relationship. I made a point of pushing him to describe the good things they had, especially in the early stages of the relationship. This is important, because when she tries to wheedle him into getting back together, she will use those good memories (maybe distorted out of proportion) and if he has been ignoring the good memories, she is more likely to succeed in talking him into getting back together.</p><p>So YOU bring them up. "What was it like in the early stages? You had fun together when you went bowling," or similar. Talk about it. Then move to, "When do you feel things began to go wrong? What do you feel might have contributed? What did she do? What did you do?"</p><p>Work to make him see that the success and failure of relationships always involves both parties. Also work to teach him that sometimes, especially with early relationships, things just have to be allowed to run their course. This girl needs to learn to look inside herself for approval and validation. She needs to learn to not be so selfish, and to learn to value other people, to respect their space and their needs. She is NOT respecting difficult child's needs at the moment. Did she ever?</p><p></p><p>This relationship was a necessary experience for difficult child and he needs to see this. Without this relationship he might have made different mistakes in his next one. Every relationship teaches us something about ourselves and also supports us in improving how we relate, next time round.</p><p></p><p>He needs to see this, too. She has done good things for him - even if it is to teach him what is NOT appropriate in a relationship.</p><p></p><p>Don't bag her too much and don't let him bag her too much. Of course he will be angry, he needs to work out exactly WHY he is angry and deal with that. Don't deal with the girl, deal with the emotions.</p><p></p><p>Why does she say that you hate her? Either he has fed her (in the past) things you might have said about her (which is another reason to not bad-mouth her in his hearing) or she is jumping to (probably correct) conclusions in her attempt to drive a wedge between you and difficult child (so she can control him a bit more).</p><p></p><p>If she really cared about him, she wouldn't put him through this. I really wonder if she cares about him at all, other than as an ornament for her ego.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 132622, member: 1991"] I must admit, I'm thinking of a few bad words about girlfriend as well. "Manipulative little cow" comes to mind. EVERYTHING is about her, so entirely - can't difficult child see this? She changed the time for dinner, because HE didn't talk to HER for long enough (by her definition) the night before. Then she blames him for the problems SHE is causing. What really gets me - her parents are buying into this, also blaming difficult child (and you) for the chaos girlfriend is manufacturing. She is sounding more and more like a potential stalker. She needs his emotional instability as a measure of how lovable she is - if she can push him into meltdown/breakdown, then (to her mind) he cares about her so much that he is literally driven insane by his need for her. Again - it's all about HER. I went through the "I hate her for breaking up with me, it has all been a total waste of my time and my energy" with difficult child 1. We workshopped it together. I pointed out that the relationship had continued for x number of weeks/months/years, and for much of that time it was a successful relationship. I made a point of pushing him to describe the good things they had, especially in the early stages of the relationship. This is important, because when she tries to wheedle him into getting back together, she will use those good memories (maybe distorted out of proportion) and if he has been ignoring the good memories, she is more likely to succeed in talking him into getting back together. So YOU bring them up. "What was it like in the early stages? You had fun together when you went bowling," or similar. Talk about it. Then move to, "When do you feel things began to go wrong? What do you feel might have contributed? What did she do? What did you do?" Work to make him see that the success and failure of relationships always involves both parties. Also work to teach him that sometimes, especially with early relationships, things just have to be allowed to run their course. This girl needs to learn to look inside herself for approval and validation. She needs to learn to not be so selfish, and to learn to value other people, to respect their space and their needs. She is NOT respecting difficult child's needs at the moment. Did she ever? This relationship was a necessary experience for difficult child and he needs to see this. Without this relationship he might have made different mistakes in his next one. Every relationship teaches us something about ourselves and also supports us in improving how we relate, next time round. He needs to see this, too. She has done good things for him - even if it is to teach him what is NOT appropriate in a relationship. Don't bag her too much and don't let him bag her too much. Of course he will be angry, he needs to work out exactly WHY he is angry and deal with that. Don't deal with the girl, deal with the emotions. Why does she say that you hate her? Either he has fed her (in the past) things you might have said about her (which is another reason to not bad-mouth her in his hearing) or she is jumping to (probably correct) conclusions in her attempt to drive a wedge between you and difficult child (so she can control him a bit more). If she really cared about him, she wouldn't put him through this. I really wonder if she cares about him at all, other than as an ornament for her ego. Marg [/QUOTE]
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