Am I Asking Too Much...?

[DaisyFace]

Good morning All--

Yesterday, I posted about difficult child being upset at Saturday detention for hitting another student in gym class...and sure enough, when she got off the bus yesterday--she was still pretty cranky.

I work part-time for a neighbor, helping her with her horses...It's a pretty casual arrangement, but it's still a job...and when difficult child found out that she and her brother would have to go with me to the stable after school yesterday, she was upset about that, too.

I asked difficult child if she could please fill all of the water buckets. Well, she decided that she was unable to do it by herself...so she sat down on a fence rail and began to tell her brother that he would have to get the buckets for her, and he would have to get the hose for her and he would have to turn on the water for her--and she just sat there and waited. Naturally, DS did not want to take orders from his sister...and if she wasn't going to help with water buckets, then neither was he.

OK--so farm chores were obviously out....which wouldn't have been so bad by itself. However, after I took care of the water buckets, she began to pester...interrupting as the neighbor and I discussed feed supplements What's that?; Why?; What are you using that for?; What is that one?. And then she moved on to whining: When are we leaving?; I wanna go home!; Are you almost done?; Isn't it time to leave?.

Meanwhile, DS had been feeding the horses their hay...and then he moved on to feeding the cats. difficult child immediately turned her attention to him--harassing him about the cats' food...and then when the cats gathered 'round to eat--she took the opportunity to grab one (squeezing it too tightly the way toddlers do), which set off an argument as DS yelled at her to let the cat go.

After that, she took off...so that when I had finished and was ready to leave--I couldn't because I had to search the grounds looking for her.

I was so frustrated!! We were at the barn a mere hour and a half! Is it really too much to ask that she could cooperate with me for just that long?

Am I being unreasonable? Am I asking too much?

I just don't understand why little things have to be so darn difficult...

 

[4timmy]

Don't have answers, only support.....
I can't take my difficult child anywhere with me. Especially work..... and no, it's not too much to ask, but with our kids, maybe it is. This has always been a confusing issue for me to deal with. It's ALWAYS all about them. Following is one of my stories to show YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

One time when I lost my mind for a minute, I took difficult child with me to take the Dog to the Vet because he wanted to go. As soon as we got into the little room where the Vet comes in to examine the Dog, difficult child takes off. Says he has to go to the restroom. After about 5 minutes and talking to the Vet, no difficult child. I leave the room and go back to the bathroom looking for him. No difficult child. Pretty soon I have the entire staff at the Vet's office looking for him (yes, embarrassing). 2 minutes later, here he comes from their upstairs offices!!!! He had been snooping in their private work areas!! I tried not to make a scene and asked him to get back in the room with me and wait for the Vet to finish examining our Dog. He decides, no, I'll sit in the waiting room.... AAAAAHHHHH!! At this point, I'm ready to pull my hair out. Ok, so I tell him to sit in the waiting room and to NOT LEAVE. He had been obsessing about seeing this graveyard located behind our Vet's office when we came in and I told him that I'd take him through the graveyard (settle his curiousity) some other day when the weather was nicer. Anyways, 10 minutes goes by, I go to check on him in the waiting room, and he's GONE AGAIN!!! I go outside and look and he's behind the building next to the graveyard climbing on a bridge over a creek. It's like 20 degrees outside. A man parked in the parking lot is yelling at me "Is that your son?" -- "He's going to kill himself" !! I got difficult child back into the Vet's office and sit him down. This whole time I'm trying not to explode...... FINALLY, the dog is done and we are out paying so we can leave. In walks these 2 humongous dogs with their owners. difficult child screams "OH MY GOD", runs to the corner of the waiting room and starts to cry. We finally leave, and when we get just outside the door, difficult child turns to the door and flips everyone off in the waiting room.

OK...... Is it asking too much of my difficult child to go to a Vet appointment with me?

 

[Shari]

Daisy, at 13, it probably shouldn't be too much, but *should* isn't exactly a term that fits well with *difficult child*.
***
I wasn't there, so...was her interest in the horse feed genuine, or was she turly just bugging? I am sure you can't turn her loose to feed the horses, but maybe she can help you with that? *Help* being relative here - you can probably get it done faster on your own, but if you can supervise her mixing the feed for each horse and she can get the satisfaction of having done something helpful, maybe it would make the other work that isn't so interesting easier for her to swallow? And as always, time passes faster when you're busy. I dunno, just thinking. Wee difficult child's horse is an antique, so we feed her "antique horse feed" twice a day and use the weight tape frequently to track her weight. difficult child thinks this is fun, and while we can't turn him loose to do it on his own, he thinks he's big stuff when he gets to fill her feed bucket (supervised, of course) and every couple of weeks help with the weight tape (its the tape part he likes - but he realizes the feed and the tape readings go together).
***
If she has to go with you (which isn't hurting her a bit, really), just try to find some aspect of it that's interesting to her and go from there.
***
Sorry its this way tho. It makes thing hoover, doesn't it, when the simplest jobs become huge chores?

 

[Nancy423]

depends on the difficult child if it's too much I guess. I can't take BOTH kids out anywhere!! My difficult child is fine by herself and usually will pitch in because she'll be bored otherwise. But boy, throw easy child in there and they just bounce off the walls and get destructive. If there is ANY possibility to do what I need ALONE, I will try. I don't like to bring the kids with me, even for 20 minutes.
But if I have to - constant supervision is necessary.

As for your difficult child, I would go with the suggestion of having her help you, but not assigning a certain duty to be done by herself. Yes, it'll slow you down, and yes, you might still be doing all the chores yourself - but maybe you won't have to spend time searching if she takes off.

 

[DaisyFace]

4Timmy--

Thank you so much for sharing that story! It does make me feel better to know that I am not the only one who has these "adventures". I don't know about you, but it always seems like I see kids everywhere I go i see other children helping their parents, pitching in, taking responsibility for younger siblings--and then I turn around and look at my own daughter...{{sigh}}...

No wonder I feel like such a failure as a mother sometimes!

 

[BusynMember]

Some difficult child's just wont' cooperate. Or can't, depending on the child. Expecting the same thing from a difficult child as a "typical" kid who is NOT wired differently is a recipe for failure unless you use a different approach and figure out what works. It's also a big stress on you to treat him as if he's just any ole kid and will do it because it is a reasonable request. difficult child's are angry and frustrated a lot of the time and take it out on others (much as adults who are frustrated and angry often do). All I can say is, whatever YOU can deal with, that's what I'd make him do. But don't expect him to cooperate or you'll be frustrated and he'll feel like a loser. Yes, even though they don't comply, they feel like losers. It's really your call. You know your child best and how much YOU can handle. Frankly, we warrier moms also need to think of our own needs or we won't be good for our families. Good luck

 

[DaisyFace]

Daisy, at 13, it probably shouldn't be too much, but *should* isn't exactly a term that fits well with *difficult child*.
***
I wasn't there, so...was her interest in the horse feed genuine, or was she turly just bugging? I am sure you can't turn her loose to feed the horses, but maybe she can help you with that?

If she has to go with you (which isn't hurting her a bit, really), just try to find some aspect of it that's interesting to her and go from there.
***
Sorry its this way tho. It makes thing hoover, doesn't it, when the simplest jobs become huge chores?

Hi Shari--

Unfortunately, difficult child wants nothing to do with the horses (she likes the cats, but they hide from her)...and her questions about the feed seemed more like she was just trying to get attention. Her favorite thing about the farm is riding on the tractor...so when she is doing that she is having a good time, but obviously, that can't be every minute we are there.

And truly, if she doesn't want to help out--that's OK with me. I have explained that if she doesn't want to do any farm chores, she can just sit and wait until I finish. We leave whenever everything is done.

If she were willing to help, many of the chores go so much faster (like the water buckets). If she's not willing--fine. But she can't NOT help, and then get mad at me because it is not going as fast.

 

[DaisyFace]

Some difficult child's just wont' cooperate. Or can't, depending on the child. Expecting the same thing from a difficult child as a "typical" kid who is NOT wired differently is a recipe for failure unless you use a different approach and figure out what works. It's also a big stress on you to treat him as if he's just any ole kid and will do it because it is a reasonable request. difficult child's are angry and frustrated a lot of the time and take it out on others (much as adults who are frustrated and angry often do). All I can say is, whatever YOU can deal with, that's what I'd make him do. But don't expect him to cooperate or you'll be frustrated and he'll feel like a loser. Yes, even though they don't comply, they feel like losers. It's really your call. You know your child best and how much YOU can handle. Frankly, we warrier moms also need to think of our own needs or we won't be good for our families. Good luck

MWM--

This is an excellent point...and something that I have to learn. All these years I have been trying to follow the advice of numerous professionals about being a stricter disciplinarian...or offering more rewards...etc. and obviously, this is not the correct approach (it never has been--which I'm sure is where the ODD diagnosis came from in the first place). And I DO fall into the trap of "Well, she's 13 so she should be able to......".

Hmmm...

Thanks for this perspective...

So it sounds like I may be creating my own stress here? Maybe I can think of a better approach--

I'm open to suggestion, if anyone has any more...

--DaisyF

 

[4timmy]

Read "The Explosive Child" if you haven't already...... there are good suggestions in there on how to cope and work through issues such as these. I've only began to practice them, but I can see that if I get good at it, that eventually I might see some change in difficult child.

Anythings worth a try for us....

 

[janebrain]

I agree with MWM (as usual, it seems). Do what is least stressful for you and don't drive yourself nuts with thoughts of what she should be able to do. Yes, a non-difficult child 13 yr old would probably do okay but she is a difficult child after all. I think one of the hardest things for me was to silence that voice in my head that was always telling me what one of my kids should or shouldn't be doing based on comparisons with regular kids. Also, the one that kept telling me I was a bad mom because of my kids' behavior and issues.

Hugs,
Jane

 

[TerryJ2]

I fall into this a lot.
I think I would have difficult child do one small task, and then let her do something she wants to do while you finish the work. My difficult child likes to sit in the car and listen to awful rap songs, so after he has finished doing an errand with-me, I let him sit there and listen to music so I can finish my errands in peace.