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am I being too unreasonable/controlling?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 296878" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>difficult child 1 is registered with Nova, who have in the past supported him in getting a job as well as in working with the employer to do the right thing. Their involvement with the client is not as restricted as other disability employment agencies. Also, the type of disability is very broad. It covers EVERYTHING - from intellectual disability, to ADHD, to asthma, to epilepsy - anything. You need to apply via Centrelink but they do have branches in Qld.</p><p></p><p>Here is a link - <a href="http://www.novaemployment.com.au/" target="_blank">http://www.novaemployment.com.au/</a></p><p></p><p>They also work with the client (ie the kid on their books - or the adult) to help them dress appropriately, work on a good CV, to practicce interview technique - the whole package. And because it's Federally funded, there's no cost.</p><p></p><p>I'm with the others on him getting to town, but I recognise that you're on the edge of the Wide Open Spaces here; but he should be within pushbike range. Of course, that means no alcohol because you can get fined riding a bike while over the limit just as much as driving a car. The bike would need to be maintianed (by him) and he would also have to wear a bike helmet. The physical exercise would probably do him good too.</p><p></p><p>We live in a fairly isolated pocket, but we do have some (limited and expensive) public transport in the boat to the "mainland". With the kids needing/wanting transport, we had a long-term understanding of them needing to fit in with everybody's schedule. The local library (in town) became a waiting point while the local cafe opposite the railway station became a rendezvous point. We spent time waiting in the car; the kids spent time waiting also. But the kids knew - as a rule, I would make ONE trip by car a day, that was it. Everybody had to share information on their plans and movements and any changes had to fit in with the schedule or they would be cut loose. If they didn't do their bit (ie keep us fully informed and consider parental needs in all the movements) then parents would be far less cooperative next time. "You want to go out AGAIN? No way, not after the stunt you pulled last time. Either go catch the boat (and be back by sunset for the last boat home) or miss out. And you only have yourself to blame!"</p><p></p><p>husband drives home every night, any latecomers had the chance to organise a rendezvous with him. Otherwise - find a friend's place to crash for te night and recognise that you can't do that too often on short notice because friends won't tolerate it all one way only. Whenever someone does something nice for you, you're honour-bound do do a favour in return.</p><p></p><p>I do understand the semblance of sheltering though. People reckon I'm too protective of difficult child 3, but I need to shadow him out in public. Partly to help him learn appropriate interaction and partly to be available in the event he is getting hassled by bullies. He is much more of a target andalso still needs a lot more guidance and direction. My eventual aim is for him to live happily and independently. Same with difficult child 1 - although he is married, I still worry about how is is coping and also I still put my oar in now and then to make sure he is 'pulling his weight' in the relationship. His wife is a very independent person so it's difficult to keep supporting/counselling and still have it look like they're doing it all themselves. But I don't want them to have to reinvent the wheel, either.</p><p></p><p>And the example I gave in my previous post, about using what we see, hear and read as a starting point for conversation/discussion - it's me, actively working the kids' social skills and testing the strength of their opinions. They know it's not me trying to exert my opinion over them (which is what daughter in law's mother does, which is why I'm tiptoing here) but simply me trying to get them to express their own opinions and be able to defend their views as well as respect that it's OK for people to have different views. We don't aim for consensus, we aim for a full coverage of the topic from all angles.</p><p></p><p>I will use whatever my kids are doing, as the springboard here. Which is why I have forced myself to watch what they watch, play the games thye play, read what they read. If I can't get into it, I tell them and we talk about that, too. And in return (quid pro quo can be a wonderful weapon in the parental armoury!) I like them to watch/read/play/listen to my choices.</p><p></p><p>We have a family iPod (mostly mine) which we have loaded with a very eclectix mix. Old episodes of "The Shadow" to Goth/rock music by Rammstein. I've also got a few talking books loaded and on long car trips, THE DRIVER gets to choose what is played on the iPod through the car radio. Sometimes I will let the kids choose, but I can always exert the over-ride. On the 3 hour trip to easy child's wedding earlier in the year, we played three talking books including a lot of Sherlock Holmes stories. BF2 had never heard them and found them very enjoyable. He's not used to my parenting style and is finally adapting to not needing to always be RIGHT (the bogan influence - you know what I mean, Trish). As a result he's now a lot more relaxed - not only with us, but with friends. He no longer needs the bravado, the swagger, the need to prove himself. But if he ever makes a statement of 'fact' he knowswe will respond with, "That is interesting - I never knew that! Let's go look it up, I want to know more..." so if he was lying, bluffing or exxagerating, he WILL be found out. He's also learned to apply the "Let's go check it out" for himself, too.</p><p></p><p>We do this without exerting dominion over the kids. Neither do we allow them to exertdoninion over us. We have to communicate as a family, work together as a family. In you case Trish, this is difficult because for you, "family" has constantly changing boundaries. This makes it all the more important for you to have strict house rules for YOU to follow, and anyone wanting something from you has to match you in the house rules and meet you where YOU are, not expect you to go too far out of your way to accommodate their whims.</p><p></p><p>I'm disabled and need to physically rest a lot. However, I'm generally disturbable and the kids have always been able to come talk to me, ask for help with homework, etc. But they know I'm not necessarily going to launch myself from the bed or armchair purely to accommodate a whim of theirs. They can ask, but they need to justify it to me as well. The body needs to rest but the brain is always active!</p><p></p><p>Not always being available purely for teir purpose has meant that when I AM able to do stuff for the kids, they really appreciate it!</p><p></p><p>I just printed off ALL the wedding invitation stuff yesterday/last night and I'm about to head off and post it to easy child for her to take it to the next stage. I KNOW that easy child 2/difficult child 2 really, really appreciates what I've done. Big time.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 296878, member: 1991"] difficult child 1 is registered with Nova, who have in the past supported him in getting a job as well as in working with the employer to do the right thing. Their involvement with the client is not as restricted as other disability employment agencies. Also, the type of disability is very broad. It covers EVERYTHING - from intellectual disability, to ADHD, to asthma, to epilepsy - anything. You need to apply via Centrelink but they do have branches in Qld. Here is a link - [url]http://www.novaemployment.com.au/[/url] They also work with the client (ie the kid on their books - or the adult) to help them dress appropriately, work on a good CV, to practicce interview technique - the whole package. And because it's Federally funded, there's no cost. I'm with the others on him getting to town, but I recognise that you're on the edge of the Wide Open Spaces here; but he should be within pushbike range. Of course, that means no alcohol because you can get fined riding a bike while over the limit just as much as driving a car. The bike would need to be maintianed (by him) and he would also have to wear a bike helmet. The physical exercise would probably do him good too. We live in a fairly isolated pocket, but we do have some (limited and expensive) public transport in the boat to the "mainland". With the kids needing/wanting transport, we had a long-term understanding of them needing to fit in with everybody's schedule. The local library (in town) became a waiting point while the local cafe opposite the railway station became a rendezvous point. We spent time waiting in the car; the kids spent time waiting also. But the kids knew - as a rule, I would make ONE trip by car a day, that was it. Everybody had to share information on their plans and movements and any changes had to fit in with the schedule or they would be cut loose. If they didn't do their bit (ie keep us fully informed and consider parental needs in all the movements) then parents would be far less cooperative next time. "You want to go out AGAIN? No way, not after the stunt you pulled last time. Either go catch the boat (and be back by sunset for the last boat home) or miss out. And you only have yourself to blame!" husband drives home every night, any latecomers had the chance to organise a rendezvous with him. Otherwise - find a friend's place to crash for te night and recognise that you can't do that too often on short notice because friends won't tolerate it all one way only. Whenever someone does something nice for you, you're honour-bound do do a favour in return. I do understand the semblance of sheltering though. People reckon I'm too protective of difficult child 3, but I need to shadow him out in public. Partly to help him learn appropriate interaction and partly to be available in the event he is getting hassled by bullies. He is much more of a target andalso still needs a lot more guidance and direction. My eventual aim is for him to live happily and independently. Same with difficult child 1 - although he is married, I still worry about how is is coping and also I still put my oar in now and then to make sure he is 'pulling his weight' in the relationship. His wife is a very independent person so it's difficult to keep supporting/counselling and still have it look like they're doing it all themselves. But I don't want them to have to reinvent the wheel, either. And the example I gave in my previous post, about using what we see, hear and read as a starting point for conversation/discussion - it's me, actively working the kids' social skills and testing the strength of their opinions. They know it's not me trying to exert my opinion over them (which is what daughter in law's mother does, which is why I'm tiptoing here) but simply me trying to get them to express their own opinions and be able to defend their views as well as respect that it's OK for people to have different views. We don't aim for consensus, we aim for a full coverage of the topic from all angles. I will use whatever my kids are doing, as the springboard here. Which is why I have forced myself to watch what they watch, play the games thye play, read what they read. If I can't get into it, I tell them and we talk about that, too. And in return (quid pro quo can be a wonderful weapon in the parental armoury!) I like them to watch/read/play/listen to my choices. We have a family iPod (mostly mine) which we have loaded with a very eclectix mix. Old episodes of "The Shadow" to Goth/rock music by Rammstein. I've also got a few talking books loaded and on long car trips, THE DRIVER gets to choose what is played on the iPod through the car radio. Sometimes I will let the kids choose, but I can always exert the over-ride. On the 3 hour trip to easy child's wedding earlier in the year, we played three talking books including a lot of Sherlock Holmes stories. BF2 had never heard them and found them very enjoyable. He's not used to my parenting style and is finally adapting to not needing to always be RIGHT (the bogan influence - you know what I mean, Trish). As a result he's now a lot more relaxed - not only with us, but with friends. He no longer needs the bravado, the swagger, the need to prove himself. But if he ever makes a statement of 'fact' he knowswe will respond with, "That is interesting - I never knew that! Let's go look it up, I want to know more..." so if he was lying, bluffing or exxagerating, he WILL be found out. He's also learned to apply the "Let's go check it out" for himself, too. We do this without exerting dominion over the kids. Neither do we allow them to exertdoninion over us. We have to communicate as a family, work together as a family. In you case Trish, this is difficult because for you, "family" has constantly changing boundaries. This makes it all the more important for you to have strict house rules for YOU to follow, and anyone wanting something from you has to match you in the house rules and meet you where YOU are, not expect you to go too far out of your way to accommodate their whims. I'm disabled and need to physically rest a lot. However, I'm generally disturbable and the kids have always been able to come talk to me, ask for help with homework, etc. But they know I'm not necessarily going to launch myself from the bed or armchair purely to accommodate a whim of theirs. They can ask, but they need to justify it to me as well. The body needs to rest but the brain is always active! Not always being available purely for teir purpose has meant that when I AM able to do stuff for the kids, they really appreciate it! I just printed off ALL the wedding invitation stuff yesterday/last night and I'm about to head off and post it to easy child for her to take it to the next stage. I KNOW that easy child 2/difficult child 2 really, really appreciates what I've done. Big time. Marg [/QUOTE]
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