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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 189710" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Again, a different take on it here. </p><p></p><p>First, you say the kids get on fine on their own at home, but not as well when you or husband are home with them? Why on earth is that? Crikey, I'd be wondering if it would be better for the kids, to have the parents move out and let the kids raise themselves!</p><p></p><p>So I suggest that FIRST you examine the dynamics of the interactions when you or husband are home. What is triggering the meltdowns? Is there another way, maybe a better way, of dealing with things? And are they really getting on together that well after all? I mean, they bathed themselves on time etc, but if there was washing that needed to be done, did they do that also? If left home alone more often, how long would it take before the wheels ran down and problems began?</p><p></p><p>Second - what sort of supports do the kids have in place in the event of problems? What have they been told they should do in the event of an incident? A delivery man? Friends wanting to visit? Friends wanting them to go visit them? And so on.</p><p></p><p>Now to our situation - we do leave difficult child 3 home alone. He is 14, and completely alone. Before that we sometimes left the others home alone under similar circumstances.</p><p>But - we have good support in place. mother in law lives nearby and is often 'on duty' as babysitter. We have friends nearby (including over the road) who difficult child 3 can go visit if he feels anxious. We always leave phone numbers where we can be contacted as well as a "to do" list written up, for who to call and when, what chores need doing, what food is available for them to eat, and so on.</p><p></p><p>My reasons for leaving kids on their own (especially difficult child 3) are the same as husband's. I don't blame him. And frankly, a quiet afternoon with nothing going wrong is often much better for a difficult child than a supervised but distressful time.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I call home to see if he's OK (and to make sure he's getting his schoolwork done).</p><p></p><p>When we left multiple kids - we didn't leave on "in charge" apart from making sure that at least one of them would check the "to do" list and make sure everything had been ticked off. Otherwise, each child had to be equally responsible. Or they took turns. We have found that it depends on the kid, but a difficult child is capable also, especially if it's a difficult child who prefers familiar places.</p><p></p><p>There can be a big difference between a latchkey, neglected kid, and a kid who is being given a taste of responsibility. especially when you first do this, you need to debrief with the child afterwards. "How did you feel? Did anything happen that you felt you might not handle? Were you worried about anything in particular? Now you've done it, how do you feel about having done it?" and so on.</p><p></p><p>We found that over time, each small success built up a bigger investment in long-term success.</p><p></p><p>The main worry with leaving them alone for such a long time - you risk there being a problem, with a possible set-back in their ability to be responsible when left alone.</p><p></p><p>But that didn't happen. Maybe because your husband was already fairly sure your kids were sufficiently responsible? They've already had SOME experience of being left alone, and they haven't blown it before. So maybe for these kids, it was less a gamble than it seemed?</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 189710, member: 1991"] Again, a different take on it here. First, you say the kids get on fine on their own at home, but not as well when you or husband are home with them? Why on earth is that? Crikey, I'd be wondering if it would be better for the kids, to have the parents move out and let the kids raise themselves! So I suggest that FIRST you examine the dynamics of the interactions when you or husband are home. What is triggering the meltdowns? Is there another way, maybe a better way, of dealing with things? And are they really getting on together that well after all? I mean, they bathed themselves on time etc, but if there was washing that needed to be done, did they do that also? If left home alone more often, how long would it take before the wheels ran down and problems began? Second - what sort of supports do the kids have in place in the event of problems? What have they been told they should do in the event of an incident? A delivery man? Friends wanting to visit? Friends wanting them to go visit them? And so on. Now to our situation - we do leave difficult child 3 home alone. He is 14, and completely alone. Before that we sometimes left the others home alone under similar circumstances. But - we have good support in place. mother in law lives nearby and is often 'on duty' as babysitter. We have friends nearby (including over the road) who difficult child 3 can go visit if he feels anxious. We always leave phone numbers where we can be contacted as well as a "to do" list written up, for who to call and when, what chores need doing, what food is available for them to eat, and so on. My reasons for leaving kids on their own (especially difficult child 3) are the same as husband's. I don't blame him. And frankly, a quiet afternoon with nothing going wrong is often much better for a difficult child than a supervised but distressful time. Sometimes I call home to see if he's OK (and to make sure he's getting his schoolwork done). When we left multiple kids - we didn't leave on "in charge" apart from making sure that at least one of them would check the "to do" list and make sure everything had been ticked off. Otherwise, each child had to be equally responsible. Or they took turns. We have found that it depends on the kid, but a difficult child is capable also, especially if it's a difficult child who prefers familiar places. There can be a big difference between a latchkey, neglected kid, and a kid who is being given a taste of responsibility. especially when you first do this, you need to debrief with the child afterwards. "How did you feel? Did anything happen that you felt you might not handle? Were you worried about anything in particular? Now you've done it, how do you feel about having done it?" and so on. We found that over time, each small success built up a bigger investment in long-term success. The main worry with leaving them alone for such a long time - you risk there being a problem, with a possible set-back in their ability to be responsible when left alone. But that didn't happen. Maybe because your husband was already fairly sure your kids were sufficiently responsible? They've already had SOME experience of being left alone, and they haven't blown it before. So maybe for these kids, it was less a gamble than it seemed? Marg [/QUOTE]
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