Am I over reacting???

[Kjs]

I have a friend/neighbor who works at a charter school. Both her kids went there. She moved to another charter school this year. Her daughter who is difficult child's age remained at the first school her son, two years younger moved to the new school with her.
Now, the charter schools are small. Her daughters (where she worked since she started school) has 180 kids K - 8. The new school has more but is also a high school.

We really banged heads this weekend. She told me that there is a boy at her school that is suspended anytime anything happens.
I asked her, "even if someone does something to him". She said YES. Doesn't matter. He needs to keep himself under control, "WE aren't going to deal with it." (OUTBURSTS)

I was trying to tell her this boy maynot react if someone isn't causing it. Still, her answer was the same.

While we were talking her daughter said, MOM, I kicked XXX the other day. Teacher just told me to stand by her desk a minute then told me to sit down. Her mom said, Oh.

I told her difficult child would be suspended if he ever touched anyone, in any form. She said, well this is unusual for her. So, it is ok for her to kick someone, and it is NOT ok from difficult child to.

Her reply was all you have to do is look at the students ..folder and if it is big you know they are trouble.

This is so unfair. I am steaming mad. If someone picked on her daughter and she said "shut up" it would be ok. difficult child just called home because he told someone to shut up and he was sent to the office. Nothing would ever happen to her kids because she has gone to school with them since day one. She is friends with all the teachers because it is such a small school.

difficult child eats lunch with the entire 8th grade, 364 students. Same with 7th and 6 grades. I feel so angry that they suspend this boy regardless of the circumstance. She says he is angry. YES, so am I and I do not even know him. You take a perfectly fine happy kid, have kids start picking on him and if he reacts he gets sent to the office. Over and over again. Yes, that would make me mad.

I told her about difficult child falling down the steps. I told her I requested a copy of the accident report and it tool 4 hours to get an answer. When I did get the report half his injuries were not listed.
She said, "oh, we don't even do one unless it is requested, then we back date it. As far as the injuries go, we would never check the body for anything." Well they have left elbow, right knee. It was both elbows, both knees, lump on head, bruise on hip. Painful wrists. She thought nothing of it.

I am just so upset I cannot even talk to her. She is proof that a perfectly fine student can be picked on, react, and suspended. Then the teachers talk and all think the student is a bad kid, and it happens over and over. This child is falling through the cracks and may get lost in our school system for something the TEACHERS are doing to him. I wish I knew who he was, I wish I knew the parents so I could tell them. This could happen to ANY kid. Then if the kid tells the teacher, they are called a snitch by a couple hundred kids. They are walked into in the hall, pushed into lockers, books knocked off their desks. If they tell them to stop, they get suspended. And they wonder where the anger comes from...

 

[totoro]

Unbelievable, sadly I am not surprised, I am disgusted. You are in such a horrible situation.
That poor kid, how many others does this kind of thing happen to???

 

[Hound dog]

Well, here is another Mom mad a heck for the boy! :grrr:

I understand teachers as a whole have ALOT to deal with on a daily basis. (I know I couldn't do their job) And I appreciate the good ones beyond words.

BUT haven't these teachers figured out that their attitude/behavior toward this child is only going to make his behavior/attitude WORSE?? How dumb can a bunch of educators be??

If I was a kid, and I knew that no matter how I behaved I was going to get into trouble, there would be no point in trying to follow rules or anything else. And I'm sure this poor kid is also having to deal with whatever concequences his parents see fit for his "misdeeds" at school. ARGH!!

Good grief! :slap:

by the way I have heard the thick folder theory before. It was used against Travis, who WASN'T a behavior problem in school.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I can totally see where you would be upset. I feel bad for the other boy, too.

Try not to project your friend, her school, and their issues onto your son. You have so much on your plate with him and HIS inept school, the last thing you need is to worry about another boy that you don't even know.

Injustice is everywhere. I have to believe that there is the possibility of supreme justice in the end. If I did not have that to hang onto, I'd be wanting to fight the fight for every little guy.

Now, go back to that school and read them the riot act for screwing up the accident report. Those morons.

 

[klmno]

I noticed last year that those with a reputation of "being good" get let off the hook or only get a slap on the hand. Those who have been in trouble get scrutinized and punished beyond belief. difficult child had been determined that his behavior effects school work of himself and others, so their way of dealing with it was to overly punish him for every little thing- until he lost it.

 

[meowbunny]

I would check with the school to see if that is truly the policy that it doesn't matter the cause of the outburst, just that there was an outburst could create a suspension. If they said yes, then I would be calling the school district and getting their viewpoint of such a policy. Zero tolerance is one thing and I understand if the boy is hitting or threatening but if he is crying or screaming in rage or throwing something in a non-dangerous direction, that's another.

It would seem to me that kicking someone at age 12 would be grounds for a suspension. Of course, I'm willing to bet that no one knows about it. It would be interesting to see what the school would do if they knew about it.

I agree that the policy isn't fair. However, the reality is that it is pretty common. The kid with the reputation is the one that is looked at first when something happens. If the kid claims another started it, it is discounted because the teacher and staff KNOW better. Stinks but that's the way it is. I know I spent many a day in the principal's office fighting with the staff when I knew another child had started the problem. If I knew she was at fault, I accepted their consequences. Hopefully, this boy's parents are willing to fight for him.

 

[crazymama30]

I wonder if the thick folder thing applies to my difficult child, his must have multiplied into 2 or 3 folders by now. I actually did hear from someone at the school that she thought difficult child was unfairly accused many times because of his reputation. Unfortunately that is how the world works many times, and I have decided it is hard to be angry at people for ignorance, but is easy to pity them. I try to get all sides of the story when difficult child gets in trouble. Luckily for difficult child the people like that at his school are in the minority.

I feel sorry for that boy. I bet he hates going to school.

 

[TerryJ2]

She sounds like a snot.
You are required by law to write accident repts.
She can say anything she wants. She's wrong.
Her daughter. is receiving spec. privileges. Grr.
I don't think the fact that it's a charter school has anything to do with-it. Some are good, some not.
She's part of the problem.
So sorry. Sounds like I'd keep her more in the "neighbor" category than "friend" category.

 

[Marguerite]

It's wrong. It's unfair. But it happens.

This is why we home-school. If difficult child 3 kicks ME (not that he ever does except accidentally), we deal with it immediately.

We had this problem with difficult child 3 as well. He was the weird kid, so whenever there was a fight which involved difficult child 3, he was blamed as starting it even though we had witnesses to show he was often just defending himself, or lashing out in frustration after being needled (sometimes literally - one boy used to stick sharp things into him, we had witnesses) difficult child 3 would still be blamed and put on detention.
One day he saw a boy arrive at school - boy looked like he was in tears. difficult child 3 (surprisingly showing empathy) went up to comfort the boy, who stiff-armed him away. Boy's friend then hit difficult child 3 and called him names. difficult child 3 then hit boy's friend in return. Boy's mother reports difficult child 3 for hitting boy's friend - she may not have witnessed everything - even though it all began with her son. And of course, boy's mother was a teacher at the school. difficult child 3 ends up on detention, other boys involved get off scot free. Again. difficult child 3 is wondering why trying to comfort someone leads to being clobbered then getting detention. And why hitting back is wrong for him, but other kids hitting him do not get into trouble.

This happened over and over, and caused difficult child 3 to develop a lot of really bad behaviours. When we finally transferred him to a school where bullying and physical attack is dealt with severely, we saw something highly revealing - difficult child 3 was being called names by a kid. difficult child 3 then said to the kid, "You're going to hit me now." The kid, to his credit, went and got a teacher. I think the kid thought difficult child 3 was trying to goad him to hit; in fact, difficult child 3 was simply saying, "These are the rules as I understand them. First you call me names, then you beat me up, then I get on detention. I don't like it but it always happens so let's get it over with."

A kid who thinks like this is going to be a behaviour problem in a school, unless this thinking can be changed by fairer treatment and close supervision for a while until he 'gets it'.

There are good teachers out there. And there are teachers like your friend. And remember the teacher who put difficult child 3 on detention when it all started from difficult child 3 trying to comfort her son? She is a friend of mine also. Didn't stop her. Because as always, your own child comes first in your priorities.

I still chat to my friend, she still asks after difficult child 3 (I think she does care, even though she has a funny way of showing it) but as with a lot of people for different reasons, there are some things I will not talk about with her.

Marg