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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 296753" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Tracy, </p><p> </p><p>I would guess by the tone of your title : Am I wrong that maybe someone is telling you that you are wrong? I don't think so. There are a lot worse things in this world that you could do and whether it's a choice as a Mother or a human - it's still a choice that belongs to you. </p><p> </p><p>When my son was in Department of Juvenile Justice I did not miss a single evening visit to see him. I did not equate visiting him with rewarding him. In my mind I figured if he was going to be incarcerated for a long time visiting was the time we had together. Our time. I don't know if you even remember and would be very surprised if you did because of all you've been through lately - but in a post a while ago I mentioned taking your son to lunch, taking some pictures and having a day before all this happened. This is why. This time right now is the WHY to reason I was telling you that then. Because I've been where you are now and I wanted you to have something to have to hold on to. Since that time has passed - and things did not work out that way - My advice would be DON'T LET THIS TIME get away from you. Use up every minute you can get and spend it with him if you want. </p><p> </p><p>Make these memories last and when you visit him? Have a good talk. Have a few jokes you've learned to make him laugh and smile as much as you can and when you get to the car - THEN fall apart....then call me on your cell if you want....then email me if you need to. All you have to do is ask....I'm there. THAT is what friends are for. been there done that understand totally. Not so that you can sit there and cry all by yourself. Not so that you can go home and not have hubby not understand.....HE is dealing with this in HIS own way. Not that it's wrong or right - it's just HIS way. You have to respect that, just as much as he needs to respect YOU for going to see your son if You WANT to. </p><p> </p><p>And like Janet said- don't do negative projections. Let the future be what it will be...because it will be anyway. In the mean time? As lame as it sounds - take care of TRACY - even though you don't want to, don't feel like you deserve it, or may even feel like you care to - force yourself to. </p><p> </p><p>A lot of Moms especially feel very guilty like they should NOT have any happiness or joy when their children are in jail...if you're not careful it's a very easy place to fall into. That's what friends who have been there are good for - an occasional butt kicking - and hug. </p><p> </p><p>I'm so sorry this is wearing on you.....as you can see you are not the only Mom who has hurt from this.....and as you can see even more - it wears on us all differently.....I started out going to every visit and ended up turning off the phone and not going at all.....then found my own happy medium....that I could live with. </p><p> </p><p>Sending hugs and understanding - and I'm serious about the call - you really really need a crying buddy - I'm all ears and a few good jokes....honest. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 296753, member: 4964"] Tracy, I would guess by the tone of your title : Am I wrong that maybe someone is telling you that you are wrong? I don't think so. There are a lot worse things in this world that you could do and whether it's a choice as a Mother or a human - it's still a choice that belongs to you. When my son was in Department of Juvenile Justice I did not miss a single evening visit to see him. I did not equate visiting him with rewarding him. In my mind I figured if he was going to be incarcerated for a long time visiting was the time we had together. Our time. I don't know if you even remember and would be very surprised if you did because of all you've been through lately - but in a post a while ago I mentioned taking your son to lunch, taking some pictures and having a day before all this happened. This is why. This time right now is the WHY to reason I was telling you that then. Because I've been where you are now and I wanted you to have something to have to hold on to. Since that time has passed - and things did not work out that way - My advice would be DON'T LET THIS TIME get away from you. Use up every minute you can get and spend it with him if you want. Make these memories last and when you visit him? Have a good talk. Have a few jokes you've learned to make him laugh and smile as much as you can and when you get to the car - THEN fall apart....then call me on your cell if you want....then email me if you need to. All you have to do is ask....I'm there. THAT is what friends are for. been there done that understand totally. Not so that you can sit there and cry all by yourself. Not so that you can go home and not have hubby not understand.....HE is dealing with this in HIS own way. Not that it's wrong or right - it's just HIS way. You have to respect that, just as much as he needs to respect YOU for going to see your son if You WANT to. And like Janet said- don't do negative projections. Let the future be what it will be...because it will be anyway. In the mean time? As lame as it sounds - take care of TRACY - even though you don't want to, don't feel like you deserve it, or may even feel like you care to - force yourself to. A lot of Moms especially feel very guilty like they should NOT have any happiness or joy when their children are in jail...if you're not careful it's a very easy place to fall into. That's what friends who have been there are good for - an occasional butt kicking - and hug. I'm so sorry this is wearing on you.....as you can see you are not the only Mom who has hurt from this.....and as you can see even more - it wears on us all differently.....I started out going to every visit and ended up turning off the phone and not going at all.....then found my own happy medium....that I could live with. Sending hugs and understanding - and I'm serious about the call - you really really need a crying buddy - I'm all ears and a few good jokes....honest. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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