Amazing Board

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Irishkalleene, Sep 15, 2008.

  1. Irishkalleene

    Irishkalleene riding the roller coaster

    I've been going in circles - again - about "emancipating" Sonnyboy at the end of the month. And then I come back to the board and begin reading other's sagas and want to slap myself for being so upset that I'm kicking him out and what will happen.

    "Our" situation is nothing so severe as other's posts.

    I cut, paste and print enlightenment others have posted and reread it.

    I told him last week I would give him $$ for his apartment hunting. (Don't plan on telling him it's his tax money. I did give him some of it)

    Got up then nerve to ask him how it was going? He updates me on his legal situation. He has fines about $900 due to having cars impounded. That will take most of the tax money. Just found another citation for driving his cycle after sundown. He never did take the cycle tests. He's been driving the cycle because he didn't pay the car tickets, figures his cycle isn't connected to car tickets and they might not pull him over. And why spend his apt $ on tickets.

    Round and round and round we go.............. I guess I'm worried because he will never have a credit rating, how will he get an apt?? He has too many outstanding bills. And the big fear I'm grappling with is how bad is he going to behave. I know, I know, not my problem!

    Been going to Parent Alanon meeting. Really has helped me face some of this stuff. This week am gonna look for those who have done this and get their numbers. Been staying busy - those fears do creep in however.... and of course will he ever talk to me again???? Not that we talk now!

    Two weeks and counting!
    Thanks for listening!
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Good luck. Many of us here have been there done that. If I recall this is your "adult" who is still acting like a "child." If he can't follow your rules, if he causes strife in your home, he can not live with you. Don't feel guilty for wanting your own life. Don't feel like you "owe" him anything.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    As for the bad credit..........people with bad credit can get places to live. Not as hard as you would think. been there done that What I'm amazed at is people who trash the rental and get evicted over and over and over still manage to find places.......

    He'll be ok. YOU'LL be ok. (actually you'll probably be way better than just ok)

  4. Irishkalleene

    Irishkalleene riding the roller coaster

    Thanks for the idea that those without credit can get a place.

    Just got a call from sonnyboy, he needs some of the $. His new roommate is coughing up both parts of downpayment............. Sonnyboy wants cash to pay roomie back. Yes, I had the same thoughts...... is it really for apt??? Told him I'd give him a check! Wasn't going to go back out. Just got home.

    Maybe he is going to get out without a big fight!!! Maybe this won't be so bad!!! Maybe I can start breathing again??

    As always will wait and see........... Keeping fingers crossed
  5. Irishkalleene

    Irishkalleene riding the roller coaster

    Ok here's the glitch! Just talked with sonnyboy. My get out date has been Sept. 30 which he has known for months............ He's saying "It's a process. They are putting their downpayment down and he'll be out by Nov. 1"

    I told him he could live with his friend for a month. He told me to "deal with it." Again it's almost 10 pm I don't want to have a fight before I go to bed. Dang!!!!

    I suppose the other kid had to give notice????

    See the other shoe doth fall ~~~~ always!

    Options: 1. wait another month since he is making plans
    2. stick to mydate of Sept 30 and change locks.
    3. Just ONCE I'd like things to go my way!!

    Guess I'll sleep on it..............
    Have a peaceful Tuesday everyone!
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Serve him with eviction papers.

    I've not had to do it. But I know other parents here have. Hopefully they'll see this and tell you how.

    I think he's testing to see if you're gonna hold your ground.

  7. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    A deadline is a deadline. I doubt the 'system' would respond well to his demand to "deal with it".

    Your house - your rules.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Are you enjoying the show.....?

    Tapdancing, intimidation, all without popcorn and a ticket stub....because YOU are the TICKET....meal ticket, rent ticket.

    I guess I used to feel about the same way you do. What if he NEVER talks to me again. And I'm sure if we took a poll here a LOT more parents than you would believe of children 17 and older would actually tell you "OH MY the peace is nice." Unfortunately the other 1/2 of us would tell you - I'm not that far along in detaching and I worry all the time, day and night, I even wake up in the middle of the night thinking about HIS life, HIS choices, HIS irresponsibility. It makes me personally sick....or was.

    And I dont' have a great answer at this time in my life Irish to tell you what it feels like to turn a back on a kid and mean it for my own health and well being. I'm in process of that. And it hurts. I only have one - and for now that is a good excuse for's MY ticket to - no I can't let go, I only have one kid....(KRAP) Or somedays I use the "You don't understand him." And my Mother flat looked at me and said "NO ONE understands him, why would they want to - he has choices like everyone else and he CHOOSES over and over again to be a jerk, embarrass you, and then thinks if he picks a flower or draws a picture or says I need you Momma you'll come running - and you do, and I don't get it!" and my Mother had hell on earth for a childhood growing up and so she doesn't cut him any slack. No one gave her any -

    But I do know that the day we finally STOPPED wiping the slate clean and making our son adhere to the FIRST rule, date, time-line, and consequence? It changed something in all of us forever. For the better. Now if I say "I'm NOT going to give you any more money." I don't get the puppy dog eyes, and the begging, or the "tricks up his sleve" because despite SEVERAL attempts and using all his guises from his fantastical bag of "believable" tricks - I'm wiser and really don't want to hear it.

    So it's a process - but if you said SEPT 30 - then do tell him Sept. 30 is it - no second chances - and I've NEVER heard of anyone that took 2 months to get a deposit together ??? Um no landlord is going to wait on that....NONE.....(maybe I don't have the story straight) but.....

    What you are lacking is YOUR UNSPOKEN PLAN B. Plan a IS GOOD - it gets him out of your house on the date you specified to him. And right now he's already starting to negotiate with you on HOW to get 2 more months - so I ask you WHAT happens in November when the plans ALL FALL APART and he's still living there like this in DECEMBER??? BECAUSE you KNOW I dont think there IS a plan to be out by NOV. I think he's stalling. And I 1/2 think you feel it too.

    Birds push their young out of the nest in nature - and it's either learn how to fly quick or pray there is no cat in the house where you built your nest. Gruesome, but not much different - the parent birds want to go on and "get giggy with it" but won't until all the babies are gone because they need the nest for the new result of said Giggy.

    If you think of a plan B now - and DO NOT TELL HIM - you're going to be 1 up on his manipulative thinking and you won't BELIEVE how fantastic it will feel -I know he's your kid, I know you love him but on Sept 30th - say he says "Well I know I was supposed to be out today Mom but...." and instead of being upset - YOU turn and say "Well yes, and you will be out by today - I'll take you to the Salvation Army Shelter.." I will BET YOU CASH he won't stay there and ALL OF A SUDDEN the kid who can't make a plan with 4 months notice CAN and WILL find a place to stay....

    Plan B - it's for me. And yes - I am prepared to take my son there.....he already KNOWS there will be no more living at home. And since he's basically crapped in MY nest (work employee related botched plan) he hasn't called. I am it's HIS turn to make something of himself and fix things and DO things.....And I know he knows I am serious BECAUSE he always calls.....and this week I've not gotten one call. I HAVE refused the one call I did get last week and HE KNEW IT......I told the foster family I was done - embarrassing me like that at work with a co-worker was BEYOND my abillity to forgive.....I've NEVER done ANYTHING like it in my life - but THAT told my son - You know what? WHO would WANT to talk to you after a stunt like that? I work - you do not. I have to work.....and now you jump a fence of a co-workers house and get caught and then lie about it? Nope - I don't want to talk to you. And he's facing 15 years for attempted burglary that I do NOT believe he did - but stuff catches up with you eventually - and his go round just came down.

    Best of luck
    Get a plan B and let this kid KNOW you are not playing.

  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I really think that in many cases, our difficult children seem to land on their feet. I know my Oldest does, somehow, over and over. As for credit, she has yet to pay a bill or ticket, at least not in the past 2-3 years. If there were still such a thing as debtor's prison, she'd no doubt be there based on unpaid hospital and doctor bills, even skipping out on rent. She just ignores the notices, even has judgments against her, but they remain unpaid.

    She finds places to live. She finds people to take her in. I don't like the lifestyle she's chosen, don't like that she uses people to make her way through life, and I do worry sometimes, but it is her choice.

    Yes, the peace is very nice. It takes work and practice to detach.. but it is worth it in the end.
  10. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    My difficult child is like Crazy in Virginia's. always seems to land on her feet despite never paying any bills, trashing every apt. she has had, etc. She always finds someone to help her. I worried about all the credit stuff too and how would she support herself, etc. but she has managed to do it since she was 18. My easy child son (beginning to think he is more difficult child at this point) also owes lots of money to various people but he is 24 years old. If he wants to get his act together he'll have to figure it out on his own. I am done "helping" with both him and his sister. They were not brought up to be irresponsible and to follow every impulse that they have without thinking it through first, but that is what they do and they are adults so they can deal with the fallout.

    Also, I like Star's idea of Plan B, which is your own plan of what you will do when Plan A goes haywire. It really does help and is so empowering.

    Best of luck,
  11. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Stick to the date. I am surprised that he is asking for an entire month - most kids will ask for one week (at a time).

    I told my easy child when she asked for me to "rescue" her from the last minute of registering for on-line classes (and I do literally mean the last minute - gosh that kid), "You had five (5) months to register. Do not make this my problem. You don't wait until the last second and then try to find someone to do it for you! You make the phone calls." She ended up calling her 12th grade school's secretary at home to get her transcript. I hope she is learning that her procrastination makes life miserable for everyone not just her and I for one am not going to save her from it. Let her squirm - she has to learn the hard way so be it.

    I would say the same to her if I had given her a deadline to move out. There is still over two weeks left - he can figure it out! If he really does have a plan, there is no reason it will not work for Sept 30th. If you do not hold your ground on this, he will only learn that you don't mean what you say and the next deadline will be so much worse to keep.

    I don't buy that a down payment for a Nov 1st apt is due right now. There has to be places available Oct 1st. I would tell him that you will only pay the landlord direct with a check - no cash EVER. He will come to you with a bogus story that they lost the appointment and the downpayment was non-refundable.

    My easy child is also good at manipulating money sources - She amazes me with how she can call in favors to repay someone. The, "Well, you owe me $30 and I owe so and so $20 so you pay me $10 and so and so $20." No, I pay you $30 and you pay so and so $20. My sisters use to try that also. They would never be in debt - just passed their debts onto whoever owed them $$$.

    When he told YOU to deal with it -that is disrespect BIG time and the first signal that you should not extend the date. You do not have to deal with his schedule. He needs to deal with the deadlines not ask they be changed to make his life easier. I feel that disrespect big time. I get a little from easy child and as it grows, she will also be kicked out.

    So, especially since he disrespected you by trying to make this your problem, he must go on the original date!
  12. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    P.S. Make a safety plan for Sept 30th and beyond. How are you getting him out of the house? Be prepared to call the police and find someplace else yourself to stay that night - if his anger will bring him back to the house, changes of locks will not keep him out and you may not be safe.
  13. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Everyone's advice to you makes good sense. I agree that you need to stick to your deadline, otherwise it will be that much harder to get a deadline to stick the next go-round.

    I think a lot of our difficult children are binary. For them something is either ON or it's OFF. All on or all off. I know that whenever I have relaxed a rule for my difficult child because he's been behaving well, or has some excuse or other as to why he can't do whatever it is, I have lived to regret it. In his mind it means "that rule no longer applies. I can break ALL of it"

    Andy's advice about a safety plan is also spot on. Make sure that you do change the locks. Make sure that they are deadbolt locks, and that you have made arrangements to secure any windows, lofts, attics, garages or cellars where he can get access to the house once you have kicked him out.

    If you need to serve formal eviction papers, then please do that.

    It's important to have a Plan B, as Star said, and it is very important to keep yourself safe.

    As one who has enjoyed every moment of peace since my difficult child left my home, I think you're doing the right thing for you.
  14. Irishkalleene

    Irishkalleene riding the roller coaster

    Like the Plan B.................... except aren't we all up to Plan 987,654,321 by now?? teehee

    I forgot to say that his roomie has to give notice before they can cohabitate! That's why he wants the month extension!!!!

    thanks guys xoxoxo