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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 755934" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I'm not writing this to be hard on you. And it's not that I don't understand and respect your wanting to help her out, and feeling obliged to do so.</p><p></p><p>But In my opinion it is not rational on your part (sorry) to write these two sentences that follow as if they belong together;It's just not logical <u>given how they are acting </u>to have any expectation that they will NOT mistreat you. They will NOT stop.</p><p></p><p>Any contact with them will be abusive, in any form, phone, text, contact. As you've shown us, she has reacted to your pulling back, with greater abuse and disrespect. She will not uncouple these behaviors: your helping and abuse. She just won't. The horse is already out of the barn.</p><p></p><p>In her mind, her problem is YOU. She believes the key to getting you to behave better <u><strong><em>is to punish you.</em></strong></u> Clearly, based upon what you've shared with us, <strong><em><u>YOU are perceived to be the problem. </u></em></strong></p><p></p><p>There is no indication at all that she feels there is any alternate response, except to berate you. The boyfriend is doing it too! Either they are convinced of the rightness of what they do, or they are out or control. Or both. I am not saying to do these things, I'm just saying, if you must help her, help in a way so that you are not hurt.</p><p></p><p>You must accept that there is no way to do this right. If you choose to help out, you will be abused. Unless you quit your job and are at her beck and call, and even then if you are out of line at all, you will be castigated. If you continue to help her you will only reinforce this pattern. I wish I saw it differently. I don't.</p><p></p><p>Of course you can decide to continue to help her. But if you do, it's best to understand up front what will happen. That way you can structure things in a way that best protects you. <em>Bring somebody along with you, for example. Call Uber for her. </em></p><p></p><p>Still, I would realize up front that there is NO WAY to do this, where she won't take a pound of your flesh in one way or another. At the very least. It could be way worse. You don't know this man's true violence potential. You don't know what they are involved in. You don't know what will come down as things get tougher, and more desperate. Either in terms of their behavior, or how the system might respond. I wish I felt differently. I don't.</p><p></p><p>You need to keep yourself safe, not compromised, for these children. Who knows what will happen and how you might be needed. Clearly, she is not seeing or responding to her situation realistically. Something has to give. Something will happen. An older woman alone can't respond to or to control the kinds of repercussions that will be coming her way. To have the expectation of yourself, that you can help, when all hell is breaking loose, is not realistic. More than this, it's potentially dangerous. I am sorry.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 755934, member: 18958"] I'm not writing this to be hard on you. And it's not that I don't understand and respect your wanting to help her out, and feeling obliged to do so. But In my opinion it is not rational on your part (sorry) to write these two sentences that follow as if they belong together;It's just not logical [U]given how they are acting [/U]to have any expectation that they will NOT mistreat you. They will NOT stop. Any contact with them will be abusive, in any form, phone, text, contact. As you've shown us, she has reacted to your pulling back, with greater abuse and disrespect. She will not uncouple these behaviors: your helping and abuse. She just won't. The horse is already out of the barn. In her mind, her problem is YOU. She believes the key to getting you to behave better [U][B][I]is to punish you.[/I][/B][/U] Clearly, based upon what you've shared with us, [B][I][U]YOU are perceived to be the problem. [/U][/I][/B] There is no indication at all that she feels there is any alternate response, except to berate you. The boyfriend is doing it too! Either they are convinced of the rightness of what they do, or they are out or control. Or both. I am not saying to do these things, I'm just saying, if you must help her, help in a way so that you are not hurt. You must accept that there is no way to do this right. If you choose to help out, you will be abused. Unless you quit your job and are at her beck and call, and even then if you are out of line at all, you will be castigated. If you continue to help her you will only reinforce this pattern. I wish I saw it differently. I don't. Of course you can decide to continue to help her. But if you do, it's best to understand up front what will happen. That way you can structure things in a way that best protects you. [I]Bring somebody along with you, for example. Call Uber for her. [/I] Still, I would realize up front that there is NO WAY to do this, where she won't take a pound of your flesh in one way or another. At the very least. It could be way worse. You don't know this man's true violence potential. You don't know what they are involved in. You don't know what will come down as things get tougher, and more desperate. Either in terms of their behavior, or how the system might respond. I wish I felt differently. I don't. You need to keep yourself safe, not compromised, for these children. Who knows what will happen and how you might be needed. Clearly, she is not seeing or responding to her situation realistically. Something has to give. Something will happen. An older woman alone can't respond to or to control the kinds of repercussions that will be coming her way. To have the expectation of yourself, that you can help, when all hell is breaking loose, is not realistic. More than this, it's potentially dangerous. I am sorry. [/QUOTE]
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