Amusing conversation

skittles

Active Member
Heres an amusing messenger exchange between my eXDIL and myself (whom i help alot(too much) due to 5 grands)
Me:FYI, I’m off this Thursday and Friday if you need to go for groceries
EXDIL: I needed to go out days go but because u went and got this job i have to put my life on hold
Me: sorry I’m not able to dedicate my life to your service, if you would like to hire me as a personal assistant I charge $17 an hour plus gas...Otherwise I need to work for a living

I think that pretty much sums up our whole relationship
 

Acacia

Active Member
Entitlement is pretty much rampant these days.It's certainly not the way most of us were raised. I wouldn't have even considered asking my parents to do things I should be doing for myself. Good for you for valuing yourself.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Wow! Just wow! I bet she never asked your permission before having those kids! And isn't she pregnant with her Bfs child at this point (not your son's?)

Can you suggest online grocery shopping with delivery? Even in our small town we have that..

I can't believe the audacity some people have. Ksm
 

skittles

Active Member
Lol yes she’s the one that’s pregnant with the boyfriends baby. we do have online shopping here, not sure how it works since she doesn’t have a credit card and I keep meaning to sit down and go through it with her as she is learning disabled she’ll never figure it out herself. (and of course she doesn’t want to figure it out , she wants me to keep doing it for her)Then there’s also the issue that as she’s on assistance she tends to do pretty much the whole month worth of shopping in one shot. for a family that large it’s usually around $1000. I have an eight seater SUV, when all the kids are in school we flip down all the seats and fill it to the absolute brim. not sure if it’s practical to get delivery for that much but I mean to try. anyhow at the moment, theres bigger irons in the fire. I’m just waiting on a daily basis to get a panic call telling me the sheriff is at her door to evict her, she didn’t pay December, The landlord managed to get January rent out of her account before she did and she didn’t pay February rent. CAS has demanded that the new boyfriend leave the house because of his criminal record, he’s refusing to go anywhere and CAS is kind of toothless here, there’s not much they can do to enforce it other than remove the children and it’s a pretty high bar before they’ll do that. Again I’m hoping an eviction solves that issue. and of course there’s her pregnancy. I am somewhat concerned about her mental state, she has attempted suicide in the past and everything is just adding up right now stress wise. definitely a stressful situation for the children they’re acting out quite badly apparently, So I’m really kind a hoping it all comes to a head soon and CAS is forced to act if she’s without somewhere to live. then down the road if she manages to get the kids back and get a place to live, i’ll try to teach her how to use online grocery shopping, lol. not funny but I can either laugh or cry. if nothing else I have learned one thing, that is to stop stressing about things myself because things work out eventually On their own and all my interference does is prolong the eventual resolution.
 

GoingNorth

Crazy Cat Lady
I no longer "do" credit cards. You can use a Visa or Mastercard labeled debit card for online grocery shopping.

However, food is usually marked up and there is usually a shopping and/or delivery fee tacked onto the order.

If you use a shopping service, there are also membership fees.

I am disabled and sometimes use a membership shopping service (my back has gone to hell since I started posting here in addition to my MH issues.), costs are considerably higher than if I do my own shopping.

Funny thing is, at first I took my mother grocery shopping as she had some trouble walking the store and there was no way she could carry her own groceries in.

Now, after shattering a hip and having it replaced (she is 85 and has many other health issues), she is mostly housebound, I do her shopping for her because she is not a member of the computer age (smartphone or computer service.)

I don't mind getting mom's groceries at all, but even under her circumstances, I'd mind if she were entitled about it.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Skittles

WOW! I cannot believe the audacity of your ex daughter in law.

I think it is great that you have realized what role you play in all of this by enabling it to continue.

That is why I gave you an optimistic rating. You're on the right path.

It's so hard and I don't know what I'd do if I were you but wanted to offer my support and prayers!
 

Blindsided

Face the Sun
Heres an amusing messenger exchange between my eXDIL and myself (whom i help alot(too much) due to 5 grands)
Me:FYI, I’m off this Thursday and Friday if you need to go for groceries
EXDIL: I needed to go out days go but because u went and got this job i have to put my life on hold
Me: sorry I’m not able to dedicate my life to your service, if you would like to hire me as a personal assistant I charge $17 an hour plus gas...Otherwise I need to work for a living

I think that pretty much sums up our whole relationship
Way to go!!!! Entitlement meet reality. Thank you for sharing.
 

Blindsided

Face the Sun
Lol yes she’s the one that’s pregnant with the boyfriends baby. we do have online shopping here, not sure how it works since she doesn’t have a credit card and I keep meaning to sit down and go through it with her as she is learning disabled she’ll never figure it out herself. (and of course she doesn’t want to figure it out , she wants me to keep doing it for her)Then there’s also the issue that as she’s on assistance she tends to do pretty much the whole month worth of shopping in one shot. for a family that large it’s usually around $1000. I have an eight seater SUV, when all the kids are in school we flip down all the seats and fill it to the absolute brim. not sure if it’s practical to get delivery for that much but I mean to try. anyhow at the moment, theres bigger irons in the fire. I’m just waiting on a daily basis to get a panic call telling me the sheriff is at her door to evict her, she didn’t pay December, The landlord managed to get January rent out of her account before she did and she didn’t pay February rent. CAS has demanded that the new boyfriend leave the house because of his criminal record, he’s refusing to go anywhere and CAS is kind of toothless here, there’s not much they can do to enforce it other than remove the children and it’s a pretty high bar before they’ll do that. Again I’m hoping an eviction solves that issue. and of course there’s her pregnancy. I am somewhat concerned about her mental state, she has attempted suicide in the past and everything is just adding up right now stress wise. definitely a stressful situation for the children they’re acting out quite badly apparently, So I’m really kind a hoping it all comes to a head soon and CAS is forced to act if she’s without somewhere to live. then down the road if she manages to get the kids back and get a place to live, i’ll try to teach her how to use online grocery shopping, lol. not funny but I can either laugh or cry. if nothing else I have learned one thing, that is to stop stressing about things myself because things work out eventually On their own and all my interference does is prolong the eventual resolution.
My sister is a very busy person and she has her groceries gathered for pick up. Would be nice if there was a way to do that without having to have contact with the ex. I wonder if food stamps could be used in this instance. Surely there is some organization to help her instead of you since she is disabled. I understand the care for your grandchildren, but this should not be a condition in which to see them and I could see that being a manipulation tactic. Stay your ground, rule with your head. I find that to be the only thing that helps me.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I think you should tell her to shop three times a month. She can take a bus. Many people do. So what if its harder? This is about what she expects you to do. Many learning disabled people work, some at good jobs. Most don't have six kids.

Think about this.

She is too used to you taking care of her to ever to tell you that you can't see your grand kids. So baby sit for them on your terms. But maybe force her to grow up, and get a government caseworker if necessary, so that she can do it and you don't feel you must.

When will she stop having kids? Maybe if she has no one to do her bidding she may stop. That is important. She is unfit and these other kids are not your grands. How many can you afford to support?

I hope you look deep within and make a good decision that resonates with you. Blessings.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
One option we have in my town is InstaCart for about $100 per year. Kroger will deliver groceries right to your doornin two hours. Kroger pricing for the groceries.

Another option we have here is Amazon prime for about $112 a year. Amazon partnered with Whole Foods and they can deliver in two hours. For regular detergent, etc., Amazon will deliver in two days.

The other option would be to get some people from your church to help. Pay them advance for the food, then let them do the shopping and drop off. Also, a lot of students have to do stuff like this as part of their curriculum nowadays.

Bottled water, baby formula, toilet tissue, detergent, etc. can be bought at Sam's Club three times a year. But, there is a $60 membership.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I don't know the severity of her disability, so I don't know how much of this she could do for herself. That was why I mentioned the delivery services. Do you live near her?

Shipt is $99 a year and has same day grocery delivery.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
There is a big difference between a learning disability and a cognitive deficit, although even those with cognitive disabilities can find part time work that adds on to the Disability. Is she on Disability?

Crayola is right too of course. Not everyone with learning disabilities can work. I think her idea is good. And that store is inexpensive for delivery. If doable, good idea!

Daughter IL gets $1000 a month for food. While not a lot for so many people, it is a reasonable amount of money if she sticks to healthy foods and skips pricey sweets. You do not, if you are, need to buy food for her. I thought you said you did....I could be wrong. She is getting help aside from ryou. You are loving and kind, but you can maybe help her find alternative solutions and ease up on yourself a bit!

Much love to all of you.
 
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Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Bravo. You did exactly the right thing, in my opinion.
think you should tell her to shop three times a month. She can take a bus. Many people do.
I am old enough where people did not necessarily have cars. When my parents divorced, my mother had no car. Everything was carried home in bags or a wheeled cart. We were only 3. We were helped because it was "the city" and there was a corner market for quarts of milk or a lb. of ground chuck, a couple of potatoes, etc. But the rest, we brought from the market 6 blocks away. This was not the era of delivery.

But the thing is, this woman (daughter in law) has a mate, a grown and able man. She has decided to form a new conjugal unit. This is a decision she has made. The unit of responsibility is daughter in law and her new mate. Now, I understand totally your desire to stay involved with her for the children. But it has to be faced that she is growing more entitled and abusive because of your help, which seems to be feeding her sense of power, and diminishing her sense of responsibility.

This is not good. She has no power. She is as vulnerable as it is possible to be. Nobody wants her to suffer. But then why should you either? Why should she make you pay a price.

Which is to say this: I think she is served by you asserting the reality of the situation as you have done. And you are too.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Copa, good memory.I remember too partly because my parents were poor. We lived in a city and my mom would take us on the bus to shop and we all helped carry. We liked helping and had fun. The poor still often shop this way. In certain places it is no big deal and some still buy carts or steal carts to use. Obviously I wish folks would not steal.

But you don't have to steal to shop on your own. And carts are cheap and at thrift stores too.

Life is hard when you don't work, for any reason, and have many kids. You don't need to do so omany things for daughter in law. You CAN sit your grands while SHE shops.

That is enough and then she won't have to bring them with and you can spend time with them.

I remember being poor, buying thrift shop clothes and shoes, riding city buses, learning how to cook cheap but tasty, being so happy when Dad got a good job and climbed the ladder. My parents rose to middle class but we still all were frugal and enjoyed saving money and walking rather than always driving.

When my husband and I started a successful business, we remained frugal until Kay started getting into trouble. But I will always believe that letting her live a less pampered life would have done her more good as a person. I did not and do regret the years we threw money and rescue at her. She did not gain character or skills. She may have if we had chosen a way that made her responsible for herself.

Sadly Kay and your daughter in law are entitled and don't want to work hard but expect all the perks of working hard. We did and do what we do out of love. There is that. WE are loving even if they are not.

My husband and I quit helping her and now Kay needs to utilize the resources of he poor and unemployed. I hope this helps her evolve as a person. I don't expect it but I hope. I hope she finds a loving heart. We all have this but some turn away from this gift.

God bless.
 
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skittles

Active Member
Thankyou all for the suggestions and ideas. We are in Canada so no food stamps. I dont pay her groceries, just provide transportation. I have really allowed her “learning disability” and resistance to doing anything for herself to manipulate me and since this new boyfriend i am more aware of that than ever. I find im stepping back more and more, hence committing to things for myself such as a new job whereas I used to always consider how other committments would effect my availabilty for her needs, i dont consider it anymore. The more i step back the more demanding she is getting, definately resisting this change. I just recently read the book Codependent no more that many of you have mentioned and its really helped me to start stepping back more. I still do quite a bit I know, such as these shopping trips but Im not going to put off showing her the grocery delivery app anymore (thanks for the push!) And as I said im waiting for everything else to come to a head. She has faced eviction before and i confess, i always ran around in a panic driving her all over to rental places til we found one that would take her, ive paid deposits, movers, even rented uhauls and physically moved her myself (a few years ago lol, not doing that ever again!) At least i was smart enough to never cosign. She has moved 7 times since my 10 year old grandson was born. This time i have not done anything to help. Im tired of it all and its just not fixable anymore. She needs to become homeless and lose the kids. Its taken me a long time to understand that, and i relize she doesnt beleive yet that im going to do nothing. Her phone, cable and internet were cut off this afternoon due to lack of payment as well.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
The poor still often shop this way. In certain places it is no big deal and some still buy carts or steal carts to use.
I'm walking down memory lane some more. Only 14 years ago I was living in a big city without a car because I anticipated leaving the country (again.) I walked uphill a mile and brought groceries back with the grocery cart (which I returned on the next trip.) It was fun! I went at night (it was a peaceful neighborhood right by the Pacific Ocean.) Doing that was the best part of my day. I still miss it. Of course none of this relates to daughter in law. But it's fun to share the story.
The more i step back the more demanding she is getting, definately resisting this change.
You are doing absolutely the right thing. Every choice she is making is poor and puts her kids at risk. 7 moves by 10 years old, and changing schools each time? We moved 3 times before my son was 10, to establish my profession. I regret that.
She needs to become homeless and lose the kids.
What she needs to do is to deal with her situation, and to begin to consider her children if she can. She is a woman with nobody and nothing. She exposes her children to a bad man. She is entitled and dependent. There are resources in an advanced society such as Canada to help disabled mothers keep their children and their families intact. There is support. You can't do it single-handedly, nor should you. It's not good for you, or for her. She needs to turn to the resources that will help her. She has that opportunity. Let's see what she does. There is no reason for her to lose her children. If she does, there is an element of choice involved. I feel very bad for the kids.
 
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BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Copa, that is spot on. Wow. Really resonated.

In first world countries there is help for the disabled and indigent if the person asks for it and follows the rules. In the U.S. there are case managers for the disabled. They are very available if you reach out to them. And that's the problem.

While many people who need some help do ask for it with grave it seems that our difficult children are too lazy (I think it's mostly this) to seek out good services OR they just don't want to follow the rules that you must follow to, say, keep government housing. Or they pick drug using abusive partners who get kicked out. Or THEY refuse to stop using drugs. They start rejecting the help. They turn to those who love them and will do tons for them even if they break the rules and harm their children. And yes some people are indifferent about having custody of their kids. Kay is one. Your daughter in law is not a fit mother.

There is much these woman can do and little they will and they expect us to carry them for life.

I pray for all of us and all of them. Only God can change hearts in my opinion.
 
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