Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
An Apology
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 671017" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I think this was the right thing. If there is success, it will be your son's success. If there is success, it will be that your son was able to create a different life for himself than the one he was headed for so short a time ago.</p><p></p><p>The worse sin would have been not to believe in your child. Until we are certain, until we so resent helping because we realize we are being lied to and help anyway ~ but this time, because we cannot face who we will be if we don't help (which is an apt description of the ugliness of enabling) we must believe in our children's abilities to turn their lives in another direction. The energy to do that is your son's energy.</p><p></p><p>All you did was make it possible for him to accomplish a positive goal sooner.</p><p></p><p>I think there are no shortcuts, here.</p><p></p><p>Until we have tried everything we know, I think we cannot, nor should we, turn away from our kids. It's when we begin to see ourselves as their saviors and they begin to practice self deception to get us to save them ~ that is the ugly circle of enabling. </p><p></p><p>The child's self deception.</p><p></p><p>Our willing compliance, for the sake of our own dreams.</p><p></p><p>That's where everything gets messed up, somehow.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I believe it was the right thing. Especially given that you are not as wrapped up in the outcome. What will come will come. You have done the best thing you knew.</p><p></p><p>That is what matters.</p><p></p><p>This is not a game. These are our children. The issue is less what we do or do not do than it is that we do what we do for the right reasons. That is the tricky part.</p><p></p><p>None of this is easy or simple, and there is no one size fits all answer.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>At the end of the day, we become very humble, it seems. Not so much here on the Board, but in our relationships to our children, and to ourselves. There is a kind of grace in: "I don't know. I'm sorry, but I just don't know."</p><p></p><p>It was very hard for me to say those words to my children. That was my piece of reward for enabling, maybe. That I got to know, to be seen as someone who knew, whether I knew or not. That there was always something to try, some way for me to pull the iron out of the fire until one day, there wasn't.</p><p></p><p>A kind of twisted martyrdom.</p><p></p><p>Yuck.</p><p></p><p>I don't know why those darn kids couldn't have just done the right things so none of us had to go through all this.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Remember when we were the best moms ever?</p><p></p><p>It was very hard to let that go.</p><p></p><p>When I did, I learned that I was and am a fine, fine mother. The problems of addiction or emotional illness are multi-layered complexities.</p><p></p><p>We do the best we know.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>How kind of you, Albie.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 671017, member: 17461"] I think this was the right thing. If there is success, it will be your son's success. If there is success, it will be that your son was able to create a different life for himself than the one he was headed for so short a time ago. The worse sin would have been not to believe in your child. Until we are certain, until we so resent helping because we realize we are being lied to and help anyway ~ but this time, because we cannot face who we will be if we don't help (which is an apt description of the ugliness of enabling) we must believe in our children's abilities to turn their lives in another direction. The energy to do that is your son's energy. All you did was make it possible for him to accomplish a positive goal sooner. I think there are no shortcuts, here. Until we have tried everything we know, I think we cannot, nor should we, turn away from our kids. It's when we begin to see ourselves as their saviors and they begin to practice self deception to get us to save them ~ that is the ugly circle of enabling. The child's self deception. Our willing compliance, for the sake of our own dreams. That's where everything gets messed up, somehow. I believe it was the right thing. Especially given that you are not as wrapped up in the outcome. What will come will come. You have done the best thing you knew. That is what matters. This is not a game. These are our children. The issue is less what we do or do not do than it is that we do what we do for the right reasons. That is the tricky part. None of this is easy or simple, and there is no one size fits all answer. At the end of the day, we become very humble, it seems. Not so much here on the Board, but in our relationships to our children, and to ourselves. There is a kind of grace in: "I don't know. I'm sorry, but I just don't know." It was very hard for me to say those words to my children. That was my piece of reward for enabling, maybe. That I got to know, to be seen as someone who knew, whether I knew or not. That there was always something to try, some way for me to pull the iron out of the fire until one day, there wasn't. A kind of twisted martyrdom. Yuck. I don't know why those darn kids couldn't have just done the right things so none of us had to go through all this. :O) Remember when we were the best moms ever? It was very hard to let that go. When I did, I learned that I was and am a fine, fine mother. The problems of addiction or emotional illness are multi-layered complexities. We do the best we know. How kind of you, Albie. Thank you. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
An Apology
Top