An Ugly Vent...B4..I Explode or Implode!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DDD, Dec 21, 2007.

  1. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I know I have been venting about GFGmom for years and years but I
    really don't see how I can completely detach from the PITA since
    difficult child lives with us and spends weekends with her. I have kept my distance from her very very hyper daughter and only see her for very short visits. I don't even have them for dinner. I smile,
    wave, hug and send her back to GFGmom after a few minutes because
    I can NOT raise her third child.

    BUT GFGmom still gets into situations where I end up enabling her
    in order to protect her kid or kids. Wednesday she calls and tells me that her electricity has been cut off. She "forgot" her
    bill was due. She called her biodad and he said "so sad". So it
    is 6 PM, the temp is going down (Florida style, lol) and she and the five year old have no one else to help. She really has no one to help her because she has no friends. She begs and swears
    she will pay me back on Friday. I give her the money and repeat
    that I MUST have it back Friday. OK? OK!

    :nonono: She tracks me down at work right before 7 and hands me
    1/2 the money and waves two Rx bags in front of me as she says
    "I'm sorry Mom, but your granddaughter needed medicine and it was
    too close to time for an insurance refill so I had to pay FULL
    price........TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!! so she will have medicine.

    :hammer: I am so angry because I have detached from her all I can but the poor children honestly do come last in her head and I
    just can't help trying to keep them safe. It's like she uses them as tools so she can blow her money on stupid stuff without any accountability.

    For a 45 year old difficult child with NO addictions to keep messing up over
    and over again is just mind boggling. I don't know if I am more angry at her or at me. DDD
  2. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    My gut instinct tells me to NOT give her any money. Call her bluff because she IS using the kids as bait. Don't give her any money and offer to help her call for county assistance if finances are that bad. She knows you are gonna cave BECAUSE of the kids. So you need to call her bluff.... Hang in there! {{{HUGS}}}}
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Honestly, if the situation were mine, I'd do the exact same thing you did. Well, almost -- I would have paid the power company directly. I'm impressed she even paid you half of it.

    Consider it a Christmas present and don't beat yourself up too much. You really did do the only thing you could do under the circumstancs in my opinion.

  4. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Hey DDD,

    You might be a bit aggravated at both of you. I know exactly how you feel though worrying about the children. The children of our difficult child's do not live a life that is fair, period. It is so sad. My husband and I have taken an extremely hard nosed approach to our difficult child. It is sooooo difficult because our natural instinct is to protect our children (and they will always be our children) and for sure our innocent grandchildren from any unpleasantries. But we all know it's not healthy for us to continue to do this after adulthood. I hate that our difficult child's continue to misuse our good hearts. I'm really sorry for your pain, you have bent over backwards helping your difficult child daughter and grandchildren.

    I ran across this and am trying to pattern my life after this, because I need help too! I think it can be helpful to you too:

    We teach people how to treat us.
    Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.

    You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

    If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.

    Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.
  5. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    That is a really good idea for next time!

    Mom to 3 -- that is so on point! I just cut and pasted it so I could keep it!
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    3D---if she is anything like my gfgmom--who is now 61---she will never grow up. She will continue on this way for the rest of her life---She will live her golden years being proud of how well her children have turned out and believing that she played a major role in that. They will put up with her---but they will always say a little prayer at night that you were there for them.
  7. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    I think the thing that gets me is, "what would happen if you weren't there"? would she seek public assistance help? would she just keep the electricity off for a few days? would she bunk in with friends/associates"?

    No good answer.

    I know I'd probably do exactly the same and feel exactly the same.

    Are we saps?
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Hon, she's just like my husband. Until I FORCED him to stop "borrowing" money from his Mom to pay bills he deliberately neglected to pay (knowing full well she'd cover his fanny), husband was quite content just as he was.

    mother in law was afraid the kids and I would become homeless, starve, or suffer without utilities. She is a wonderful person. But I told her then that is what would happen. It was time for husband to grow up.

    And it was rough for many months because husband had screwed up our bills and such so bad that we did without alot. Which of course meant he did without alot too.

    But we didn't become homeless, nor did we starve.

    There are county services to help with difficult child's utilities. There are charities to feed and clothe her and your grand daughter. Tons of services are available if she has reason to be motivated to seek them out.

    I know your heart is in the right place, just as my mother in law's heart was. But you're enabling her to never change this behavior. If something ever were to happen to you difficult child would have to :censored2: it up and figure it all out by herself. So what's wrong with letting her learn to do it while your still around to offer advice and support?

    I know the dilemma. Nichole is potentially her Dad all over again. (only one of my kids with this tendency) So I'm extra careful to offer as little "help" to her as possible. And any money she wants has to be earned before I'll give it to her. (learned the hard way with that one.)

  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Thanks.....for being there, as always.

    She is NOT eligible for assistance. She works for the State
    AND has kept $4600 of the $4800 child support that she receives
    for difficult child....who has lived with us for years. For some shocking reason she gave me $200 a month ago or so "for difficult child support".
    :hammer: Her money goes for nonsense. She is adult ADHD but
    over the years she continues to go for instant gratification and
    truly has NO sense when it comes to money. None.

    Example: (You won't believe this is true...but it is.) She
    forgot she had an electric bill to pay. She has not spent $5 on
    car repairs in well over a year. Her car has had rear lights out for three, this week, it has died. SO what did
    she do last week?? She went to a rent to own place and got a new
    bedroom set for her little difficult child. Also didn't have the money for
    medications for her last week so the kid has been expelled from after school daycare. Christmas is four days away and she hasn't bought presents for her kids BUT plans on spending at least $100
    on presents for the two difficult children. :rolleyes:

    Tonight I got a brilliant idea. Maybe I need to go to anger management classes because I am so blankin' sick of the stress that comes from her choices. I've never been an angry person but
    I am close to where husband is...he simply says "I don't like her and
    I don't want to even see her face." When she walks in the door
    he quietly moves to another room.

    Her siblings don't live here and are polite but stay distant as
    they have been "used" and really, really resent how her choices
    have absorbed the life husband and I lead. Her friends always were
    difficult children but they are no longer friends. The biodad of her little girl is due out of prison this fall. If he has money...he will be back in her life. easy child/difficult child and especially difficult child who was abused
    by him will both go down the tube if she lets biodad babysit their little sister. She will. No doubt about it. She wants to
    be free of parenting.

    It's like a bad novel that is longer than War & Peace. She can
    justify anything in her own mind because she really isn't evil. She has no substance addictions. She is not really violent. She
    will go way out of her way (ridiculously so) to help anyone who
    is "a friend". Her intentions are great BUT...the beat goes on.

  10. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    DDD, I would have done the same thing - would not have said no for grandchild's sake - although if a same kinda senario would ever happen to me, am gonna keep in mind paying the bill direct myself. I wouldn't even dare mention it to SO cause I would never ever hear the end of it.

    My eldest reminds me of Nero fiddling while Rome burns, or maybe its the story about the grasshopper and the ant. She is on baby #3 now - Baby #1 and #2's daddys are all out wack jobs, one is a pot head and the other is a meth head - have no idea of daddy for #3 cause I have never met him (and she is due to give birth in less than a month) but if she is running true to form, there is probably something wrong with him as well.

    Being a former difficult child, I did have a bit of a tenenous lifestyle there for a while, but I learned quickly I didn't like being without food, shelter, or a job, and, besides, I would have gnawed off my arms to the elbow before I would ever ask my family for a dime.

    I feel for you

  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Gee, Marcie, they must be cut from the same cloth. I have to admit that we don't have any dope addict Dads. Of course, we don't really have any Dads at all in the true sense of it.
    She met easy child/difficult children biodad and "couldn't help herself" because he was
    such a nice guy and a hunk. True. But...she honestly was really
    shocked when he wasn't excited to find out that their one night
    together created a son. easy child/difficult child called my husband "Dad" until GFGmom
    decided "he should know his real Dad". Only thing wrong with biodad is that he subsequently married and had a kid and after
    a couple of year "love affair" with easy child/difficult child...they left town when
    easy child/difficult child was 14. Heard from "Dad" when he heard easy child/difficult child might die
    in Orlando and wanted to "see his boy". WTH!

    difficult children biodad is also an alcoholic, a nice looking and polite guy
    who already had two children from an early marriage. GFGmom was
    sure he would be really happy to become a father again and they
    would live happily ever after. Not! difficult child has never met his Dad.
    Poor Dad has $400 a month sent to support his son...who, of course, lives with us and never benefits.

    GFGgirl's biodad is a roaring alcoholic who shared with easy child/difficult child,
    gets verbally out of control when drunk. He was left "to take care of difficult child" for a couple of years why GFGmom worked. drug addicts. Three babies...three biodads.
    We do have something in common. I'm sorry you are in the same
    boat of sorts. DDD
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Oh, I believe it. I lived it with husband for years and years. :rolleyes:

    I thought sister in law was gonna faint when he asked husband when the last time he had his oil changed in his new car. lol husband calmly relied never. This is AFTER he blew up the engine in his old Cavalier because he never changed the oil. :faint:

    Oh, yeah. I soooo understand.

    I, on the other hand, won't let husband near my car. And I have sister in law do all oil changes and repairs. :smile:
  13. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I believe it too in so many regards concerning my difficult child. You'd think at some point they would be embarrassed of their own shenanigans. I mean, just how many times can a person have pie on their face and not say "WOW, why is that always happening to me? What can I do about it?"

    My difficult child left the state (and her son). She has been telling him and us that she would be back for Christmas. Guess what??? Supposedly she was working 2 jobs and of course saving, saving, saving that money. In Nov. she called us begging for us to send her $108 for a bus ticket home to see her son at Christmas. As difficult as it was, we declined. You see, before she called us, she had been out of the new state she lives in having a good time. In between now and then, she has been out of her home state two more times. Just a couple of days ago she called and asked me to buy "Henry" the train for her son as she had PROMISED him that she would buy it for him for Christmas. And you know what???? She just wasn't going to be able to get that for him because she is low on cash. :grrr: Because it was for our grandson, we did it. He deserves not to be hurt.

    Now she is saying that she is coming in Jan. to get her son and take him back to the state she is in for a month???? And she can't even afford to buy him a train car? Go figure. Why yes, DDD, I believe EVERYTHING you say. :crazy2:
  14. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    "I have kept my distance from her very very hyper daughter and only see her for very short visits. I don't even have them for dinner. I smile, wave, hug.."

    Thats so sad DDD - I do the same thing right now - its not a case of being worried I will have to raise them but more of a case of emotional blackmail - If she gets po'd at me, then its "you will never see your grandchildren again". Why put the kids thru all of that emotional crappola of now you have grandparents, now you don't constantly. Natie only in the past year or so really got to know his father, and she won't let Wyatts dad or his parents see him, even went so far as to change his name. Same thing will happen with the new baby am sure when its daddy does something to make her mad.

    When things went sour with my kid's dad's and I relationships, I always tried to keep the connection going with their fathers as long as I could. I suffered a disconnect with my family and realized the importance of having close family ties when I was older. I don't know where she learned this particular power trip of holding children over everyones head if she gets in a snit.

    Ah well, no sense in bemoaning the fact. Mine is crawling up on 40 and isn't going to change anytime soon. I have realized the harsh reality that she only pulls out the "my family" card when she is in dire straights - when she isn't we are religated to the back shelf with no second thoughts again till next time.

  15. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    Next time, DDD, you need to let the power go out.

    The way difficult child waved the bag of prescriptions at you smacks too much of a triumphant difficult child.

    She is playing a game.

    She wins when you agree to raise this child, too.

    That's the thing about difficult children. They seem to have fixated on winning something from us, rather than on creating their own lives.

    Too bad all that energy isn't going for something more constructive!

    From everyone here on the site, I learned how to be proactive. I hardly ever envision the positive outcome anymore. Instead, I prepare alternate actions and responses.

    We were only able to say no because we knew we would take the kids in if worse came to worse. (And husband swore he would leave me, if I did.)

    Our own lives are counting down, and he refuses to raise any more children.

    I think he meant it.

    But I think I meant it, too.

    Thankfully, it did not come to that, for us.

    This must be so hard for you ~ especially this time of year.

  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You know that old expression "misery loves company" ?? :smile:
    I don't have much evil in me BUT this thread has really been a help to me because some of you have GFGmom clones. From a distance if you don't have one it seems like there should be a really quick simple answer..cut off the contact. on the other hand what happens is that it starts with one problem and then it snowballs
    after one child is involved, to two and then to three. You know you HAVE to do "something" but you can't cut off all contact because you are dealing with the fatherless boys "Mommy".

    "Waving the bag" of prescriptions really wasn't an "in your face". It actually is sad on many levels. She feels like I have
    emotionally abused her by making her feel guilty when she does
    things like this. It is more like dealing with a dysfunctional,
    self-induced low esteem adolescent. She wants the respect of being a middle age Mom of three. There is :sad: nothing to respect. The best I can say is that she could be doing drugs and
    she isn't. So in her mind she was using the bags as proof that she had not spent the money at McD's etc. It was like a shield
    saying "see...your grandchild had to have these and as her Mom I had to get them".

    Although I didn't mention it before I lent her our company truck
    to use til Tuesday. Her car was at the mechanics. The mechanic
    told her it will be just under a thousand to get the car fixed.
    She has zip savings, creditors hounding her and she works 45 miles away and commutes. I know what is coming. She is going to
    have no choice but to beg for help. I do not have it and I can not access it. She will end up finding a way to get an advance
    on her IRS tax return in advance at an exhorbitant rate. She will, I predict, ONCE AGAIN, claim the two boys on her tax form
    to get the biggest refund possible and THEN she will apologize
    for taking our deductions and say "I had to do it or I would have no way to support my children." Ho Ho Ho DDD
  17. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am so sorry DDD and I do understand where you are comming from but my gut tells me that this will continue as long as you let it. If you stop giving her the money then yes, maybe the kids will suffer some but she will be forced to find another way of doing things. It might involve DSS but sometimes they are the only option. I have a friend (also in Florida) Whose adopted daughter is much like your GFGmom though much younger (only 25) She has already had three children with three different fathers. My friend has full custody of the first two but refused to take the third one because she figured there would always be yet another one and she had to draw the line somewhere. She stopped giving her daughter money a couple of years ago but did buy clothes and food for the third child. Unfortunately once the money stopped comming in the daughter stopped calling on my friend. It is so sad but my friend has learned to concentrate on the two grandchildren she has taken in and provides a wonderful home and a good life to them. And while her heart breaiks for the other grandchild she knows she cannot take him. She does notify DSS whenever she hears that her daughter has moved to keep them involved and looking out for the grandchild but she has no more contact with her adopted daughter.
    This was so very hard for her and it took much therapy and prayers and suppport for her to be able to detach but she had to.
    As it is her husband will have to work till he dies to be able to provide for the family he now has. They did not deserve this. They are good people who have had much tragedy in their lives (Their biological son dropped deat at age 13 from a brain anuresim after they had adopted this daughter from foster care) but they go on and they try to find the joy in life in spite of all the trials. I tell you their story so you know that you are not alone. Maybe you can find some strength in that. -RM
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    RM, the strength is in knowing we are not alone. Believe me, husband
    is 75 and I'm over 65 with no retirement in sight. The difference between your friends situation and ours appears to be
    that we live in a small town and GFGmom's sons love her and their
    little sister. They "know" their Mom makes consistently poor choices BUT they are determined to spend time with her and also to try to help their sister. Truthfully, I think when we are dead, GFGmom will use the boys in much the same way...and she will never feel guilty as she sees it as doing what she needs to do. Thanks for sharing. DDD
  19. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    DDD you have a big heart, that's why you did it. Don't beat yourself up, at least you got half of it. Never regret being a good person. That liitle girl may grow up and remember you as the only one who would ever help her mom. It's heartbreaking Occupational Therapist (OT) see they haven't changed, I understand that point well with my difficult child. Let it's not worth the stress. Tell her that's her Christmas present. -Alyssa
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911

    OH Girlfriend - WE (you and your family here) need to PLAN some things.

    I get that you lent her the money. And I know without a doubt that had she been on her own and not had your hyper granddaughter there - she would still be sitting in the dark enjoying the $1.98 flashlight you would have given her as a Christmas gift.

    But seriously - lets get a plan together - a written plan. Lets gather some information about what services, charities, government programs and help are available for her - and lets print them out, and make her copies.

    The next time she comes asking about help with utilities - you go to PITA folder and pull out the one tabbed UTILITIES HELP. The next time she asks for assistance with prescriptions - we'llhave the $4.00 each list AVAILABLE in PRINT for Kmart, Walmart, and Target, Publix - NOT a guess, not a "This may work" but CERTAIN, tried and true assistance for HER to seek out. You hand her the form with the information on it and NOT cash the next time.

    There are several places she can go for food, Angel Tree programs, Salvation Army, Goodwill, churchs, Catholic Charities, Lutheran Ministries - It's ALL available and there ARE government programs called LIHEAP or HEAP that will pay ONE bill a year on your electric and gas IF you sign up for it with a cut off notice.

    Would I help her again? Not likely - ONLY because you can't even decide what makes you so angry about this. I know it's not the money - but should she cause a pu stink over only getting the NAMES and phone numbers of assistance places? You'll know she's not even willing to work for free charity - and by then you'll be glad you didn't give her the money.

    As far as her cheating on her taxes like that? That stops now at 17. FYI - if she continues to claim that he lived with her for a period OVER 6 months - and he's over 17 - BIG trouble and not by your hands - the IRS is checking very closely. I had to ask an accountant last year about it but Dude lived with us 9 months and at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) 3. So I was okay for EIC.

    Only you can figure out what made you so mad - was it that she's 45 and still a difficult child - well not much you can do about that - apparently it's her destiny. Was it that she once again didn't prepare? Well yeah - it's hard to accept others short comings when we've had to continually pick up their slack.

    With my difficult child - I will be there for him spiritually, physically if I am able but NOT monitarily. My x constantly went to his Mom for money to bail him out. And Like Daisy I asked - begged her to stop bailing him out, us out - and the ONLY time she didn't bail us out or help was when her son went into rehab - and had blown ALL the next months bill money on dope. THEN with me and Dude sitting in a dark, hot house - she said "Well I bet you wish I was BAILING him out now." and I said "No not really." and just then Dude blurted out "We wanted to see what it was like with NO lights and only candles grandma." As if.

    Don't be hard on yourself - but DO get yourself a plan. If you don't know where to look PM me your county and I'll do a little investigating if that's what you would like to do.

    I'll help ya sister!