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Parent Emeritus
An Ugly Vent...B4..I Explode or Implode!
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<blockquote data-quote="mom_to_3" data-source="post: 109302" data-attributes="member: 30"><p>Hey DDD,</p><p></p><p>You might be a bit aggravated at both of you. I know exactly how you feel though worrying about the children. The children of our difficult child's do not live a life that is fair, period. It is so sad. My husband and I have taken an extremely hard nosed approach to our difficult child. It is sooooo difficult because our natural instinct is to protect our children (and they will always be our children) and for sure our innocent grandchildren from any unpleasantries. But we all know it's not healthy for us to continue to do this after adulthood. I hate that our difficult child's continue to misuse our good hearts. I'm really sorry for your pain, you have bent over backwards helping your difficult child daughter and grandchildren.</p><p></p><p>I ran across this and am trying to pattern my life after this, because I need help too! I think it can be helpful to you too:</p><p></p><p> We teach people how to treat us.</p><p>Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.</p><p></p><p>You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.</p><p></p><p>If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling and then get their way you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior. </p><p></p><p>Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mom_to_3, post: 109302, member: 30"] Hey DDD, You might be a bit aggravated at both of you. I know exactly how you feel though worrying about the children. The children of our difficult child's do not live a life that is fair, period. It is so sad. My husband and I have taken an extremely hard nosed approach to our difficult child. It is sooooo difficult because our natural instinct is to protect our children (and they will always be our children) and for sure our innocent grandchildren from any unpleasantries. But we all know it's not healthy for us to continue to do this after adulthood. I hate that our difficult child's continue to misuse our good hearts. I'm really sorry for your pain, you have bent over backwards helping your difficult child daughter and grandchildren. I ran across this and am trying to pattern my life after this, because I need help too! I think it can be helpful to you too: We teach people how to treat us. Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want. You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot. If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling and then get their way you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior. Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt. [/QUOTE]
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