An Update on husband & "The List"

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by DaisyFace, Apr 13, 2009.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Good Morning, All!

    First and foremost, I want to thank everyone who responded to my thread! The wisdom on this board is quite amazing!! I am very grateful to have gotten so much input from so many different points of view. It really helped get my thinking straight....

    SO--when husband started to bring up the discussion about getting the next item on "The List", I was able to respond without being angry.

    AND we were able to really discuss the matter....and it turns out that so many of you were absolutely right--the issue was far deeper than money or material things.

    It seems that husband feels frustrated by our current financial situation (really, who can blame him?...). And so he is looking for something that will make him feel better (ie--the toys on his list). His feeling is that he has been working really hard and putting up with so much stress that he deserves a little "something". And when I say No! We can't afford that!--then he gets upset because I am being unreasonable.

    So--I can understand the feelings behind his position....and why he would be angry at me....but I am beginning to think that Marg is right about the counseling. I asked husband if he could look at the issue from another point of view--could he put his "list" behind our other priorities? It seems that material possessions are such a sign of well-being to him, that he is really unable to separate the notion of "true financial security" from "having nice stuff".

    What we have resolved in the meantime, though, is that I will continue to manage our finances and husband will try not to get angry and make me feel like a jerk if I tell him that things he wants are outside of our budget.

    So...a pretty good resolution at this point.

    Thanks, everyone! Without your wise counsel, I probably would have approached this from an attitude of "Take your stinkin' list and---"...and then we would have had a huge, nasty fight....which would have been really terrible.

  2. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Well, at least you could sit down and have a conversation about it. That is HUGE.

    by the way...I am checking off the last thing on my 'list.' I've got to clean the bird area. Ugh.

  3. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    glad you could sit down and talk it out...... and you came to a solution together..... sounds like progress!
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Baby steps. Talking about it is great, that you didn't get mad......even better.

    husband used to make fun of my lists. It used to infuriate me. He came from an upper middle class background and had never wanted for anything in his life. Took a while to get him to understand that my lists consisted of things people like him took for granted. They weren't frivilous things meant to bankrupt him.

    Of course little did I know he was sneaking family funds to do things on his own personal "list".........but that's another story.

    I hope you all can continue to talk this thru and come up with a solution that works for both of you without causing resentment.