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...and it all falls apart
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 630867" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Oh Lil, I am sorry for the day you have had. </p><p></p><p>Your posts sound just like my life used to be with difficult child. This was even before he started getting into all of the serious trouble---back when he graduated from h.s. and that first year of college was just like this.</p><p></p><p>He would literally WEAR ME OUT with all of his stuff. It was truly like following along behind a little baby and cleaning up every mess the baby made. Except he wasn't a baby. He was a six foot tall young man. He would stand at the door to my home office and literally keep the conversation going with everything he COULDN"T do. </p><p></p><p>I was so very tired of it. In time, I became so very sick and tired that I finally stopped doing the same thing over and over again, which was cleaning up after him ONE MORE TIME in hopes that THIS TIME was the last time.</p><p></p><p>I will tell you that the problems have gotten worse. The results much more serious. As I have learned to stop all of what you did today, the answering the phone, running home to find his papers, giving him yet more money, trying to shore him up via phone when he called so many times to tell me how the one thing he just tried didn't work, and NOW what was he going to do?</p><p></p><p>I had truly never seen anybody so helpless. This a grown man---a young man, yes---but someone who should be able to do A + B = C, at the very least.</p><p></p><p>Lil, I taught him all of that. I taught him that he just had to sit in one place and shrug his shoulders and say I can't, enough times, because I'd step in and take care of it. </p><p></p><p>Only you can't live another person's life for them. We do it while they are younger because we are their mothers and they are our kids.</p><p></p><p>But they aren't kids anymore. And it's not a pretty sight.</p><p></p><p>***********************************************************************************</p><p></p><p>I put a line there because i believe it signifies the line you crossed today. You are sick and tired. I hear it in every word you posted. </p><p></p><p>And Lil, like Echo said, that is a good point to be at. You are ready to make a change. When you change, he HAS to change. Maybe not all the way quickly to the functioning human being you are looking for and hoping for, but he HAS to change something when you change something.</p><p></p><p>That's how connected we moms are to our difficult children, early on. </p><p></p><p>Lil, be patient with yourself right now. You are ready for something new. It's not going to be pretty. It's not going to be smooth. It likely will get worse before it gets better.</p><p></p><p>But THIS has to happen. If it doesn't, you're going to be a 70 year old woman with a 39 year old man living in your basement. </p><p></p><p>First thing, Lil, stick to whatever you have said. As Echo said, he will likely ramp up. If he threatens to commit suicide (I know, it is too awful to contemplate but my difficult child has done that, multiple times), call the police. In my state, it's illegal to threaten suicide.</p><p></p><p>They will take him for evaluation. My difficult child used to do that to try to make me do whatever it was he wanted me to do.</p><p></p><p>After the third or fourth time, I knew (believed) it was bs, so when he would start that kind of talk, I would say:</p><p></p><p>Every single time you mention suicide, I will call the police. </p><p></p><p>Guess what? That behavior stopped immediately. Yes, he has tried to pull it multiple times, but I've shut it down every time. You always take a threat like that seriously, I believe, and God forbid any of our difficult children ever do that, but it usually is a manipulation.</p><p></p><p>It's a shock tactic. Just be prepared Lil. That's all.</p><p></p><p>I'm just so sorry you have to walk this road. It is hard. But being sick and tired is a good place to be, Lil. And it's a place we have all been. </p><p></p><p>Keep posting. We get it. We care. We care about your son and we care about YOU.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 630867, member: 17542"] Oh Lil, I am sorry for the day you have had. Your posts sound just like my life used to be with difficult child. This was even before he started getting into all of the serious trouble---back when he graduated from h.s. and that first year of college was just like this. He would literally WEAR ME OUT with all of his stuff. It was truly like following along behind a little baby and cleaning up every mess the baby made. Except he wasn't a baby. He was a six foot tall young man. He would stand at the door to my home office and literally keep the conversation going with everything he COULDN"T do. I was so very tired of it. In time, I became so very sick and tired that I finally stopped doing the same thing over and over again, which was cleaning up after him ONE MORE TIME in hopes that THIS TIME was the last time. I will tell you that the problems have gotten worse. The results much more serious. As I have learned to stop all of what you did today, the answering the phone, running home to find his papers, giving him yet more money, trying to shore him up via phone when he called so many times to tell me how the one thing he just tried didn't work, and NOW what was he going to do? I had truly never seen anybody so helpless. This a grown man---a young man, yes---but someone who should be able to do A + B = C, at the very least. Lil, I taught him all of that. I taught him that he just had to sit in one place and shrug his shoulders and say I can't, enough times, because I'd step in and take care of it. Only you can't live another person's life for them. We do it while they are younger because we are their mothers and they are our kids. But they aren't kids anymore. And it's not a pretty sight. *********************************************************************************** I put a line there because i believe it signifies the line you crossed today. You are sick and tired. I hear it in every word you posted. And Lil, like Echo said, that is a good point to be at. You are ready to make a change. When you change, he HAS to change. Maybe not all the way quickly to the functioning human being you are looking for and hoping for, but he HAS to change something when you change something. That's how connected we moms are to our difficult children, early on. Lil, be patient with yourself right now. You are ready for something new. It's not going to be pretty. It's not going to be smooth. It likely will get worse before it gets better. But THIS has to happen. If it doesn't, you're going to be a 70 year old woman with a 39 year old man living in your basement. First thing, Lil, stick to whatever you have said. As Echo said, he will likely ramp up. If he threatens to commit suicide (I know, it is too awful to contemplate but my difficult child has done that, multiple times), call the police. In my state, it's illegal to threaten suicide. They will take him for evaluation. My difficult child used to do that to try to make me do whatever it was he wanted me to do. After the third or fourth time, I knew (believed) it was bs, so when he would start that kind of talk, I would say: Every single time you mention suicide, I will call the police. Guess what? That behavior stopped immediately. Yes, he has tried to pull it multiple times, but I've shut it down every time. You always take a threat like that seriously, I believe, and God forbid any of our difficult children ever do that, but it usually is a manipulation. It's a shock tactic. Just be prepared Lil. That's all. I'm just so sorry you have to walk this road. It is hard. But being sick and tired is a good place to be, Lil. And it's a place we have all been. Keep posting. We get it. We care. We care about your son and we care about YOU. [/QUOTE]
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