...and it all falls apart

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Jul 14, 2014.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Got a call at 11:30 from son. He went to the job fair. I know because I GPS’d him. His friends (2) both got hired on the spot. He didn’t, because he couldn’t finish the application. Why? Because he lost his driver’s license who knows when, and had not told us, could not find his college ID and so did not have a photo ID at all. He ended up driving his friends back and forth twice (says one of them had forgotten his wallet and they say they’ll pay him) so he used up most of the 4 gallons of gas he put in the car (on my dime) and he was, as usual, in a panic.

    I told him to go get a duplicate license. I’d pay for it. Then go back to the job fair, which doesn’t end until 6 p.m. He couldn’t find any mail with his name on it (required for a license) so I go home. He’s, of course, in a state. He’s afraid he won’t pass the drug test although he thinks it’s been long enough it won’t show. I tell him, “Worst case, you fail. At least you won’t have to ever put that down on an application later. You’ll be no worse off than you are now.” It goes on and on. “I’ve wasted six hours (it was 3). I’ve wasted the whole day (it was noon). I didn’t tell you because I was afraid.” Of WHAT? Afraid I’d be mad because he lost a license? I told him, “Which do you think I would be mad about? ‘I’ve been lying to you about everything, not looking for work at all.’ Or ‘I need a duplicate driver’s license in order to get a job.’” He “didn’t want to keep borrowing money” – I said “Borrowing means you have to pay it back. I said I’d buy you work clothes – do you really think $20 for a license was going to phase me?”

    Oh yes…he’s put is zero – ZERO- Job applications. You were all right and I was wrong.

    He did go to the career center – but didn’t finish the two on-line applications. He did try kmart.com, but it glitched. He has done nothing else besides, apparently, spend our gas money running around. There was a lot of shouting (mostly – but not all – him). There was a lot of crocodile tears (his) and a few real tears (mine). He went on and on about how he’s been so scared. BS. He’s so unhappy and he can’t look for work when he’s not even happy for one second. I told him I’d make him an appointment today with a psychiatrist. I was quite calm and occasionally sarcastic. He accused me of not caring. I advised him I’d cared about him from the day he was conceived…but I’m tired of the BS. He said, “I’m a failure.” I told him, “You haven’t failed at a thing – because you haven’t tried. I’d prefer failure.”

    So in the end, I gave him money for the license (on his debit card where I can see where it was spent) and found the necessary documents. I told him to go back to the job fair or not, I don’t care. I told him to man up and quit being a baby about this carp and get a freaking job. He doesn’t want to do on-line applications? Go to the stores and fill out paper ones. He said, “How could I ever prove I did that?” I said, “Hand them the application and say, May I have a copy of that for my records?’” That never occured to him.

    I’m sick of him apologizing and told him so. Don’t apologize – FIX IT! I showed him the door he put his fist through and said, “See this? This is ‘I lied to you.’ You can splash some spackle on it, but that won’t fix it. It can be patched up…but it requires real effort. It’s time you made that effort.” What I didn’t say – probably for the best – is that when there’s enough holes it can never be repaired.

    Talked with my husband. We will stick with what we said. We are not kicking him out, but he gets not one more penny in money from us. We will continue to allow use of the car and gas money (which will run through his debit card so I can tell where it is spent and that he is NOT going to a place that gives cash back) until Friday. Then the car is parked. Period. He kept going on about “just this week” is all he has. I said, “No. You have just this week with the car. You can walk. You can ride a bike. I’ll buy you a bus pass (pretty sure there was an adjective before the words “bus pass”) but you CAN continue to look for work without a car. People do it every day. You have your feet and a bike and a computer. Live with it.”

    I’m done. Not one more penny no matter how he begs. He can man up and start living like an adult, or he can live elsewhere. I don’t care if, he’s “a 19 year old guy who needs to be able to do stuff.” Not my d**m problem. I am done being patient. I am done being kind. I am done. I’m sitting back at my desk, where I deal with people all day long telling me how THEY don’t have any money, drinking coffee for lunch because I didn’t get to eat.

    My last words to him -after yet another "I'm so sorry"-was "I don't want any more apolgies. I want action."

    I’m just done.
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    He's now called to tell me he went and got his license. He said he lets both us and himself down when he has outbursts like the melt-down he had today and needs to control himself. I said, "Yes. You do." I then told him if a place can't or won't give him a copy of a paper application to have the HR person put their name and contact info on a business card, so he will have it to call later. It's proof for us and makes him look like he's serious, all at the same time.

    I told him to do whatever he was going to and ended the call.

    I have a headache.
  3. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member


    your reaction and your decisions from your discussion with husband all sound healthy.

    I recognize the feeling of being done done done.

    That is a good thing, Lil. It make sit easier to do the next right thing, whatever that is. I don't know why we become done, but a lot of us on the board have had that experience. We feel it. It actually makes us feel hopeful for you, for your future happiness.

    Regarding your son, it sounds like he may have an anxiety disorder...but if he refuses help there isn't much you can do about that. As MWM will tell you, even the mentally ill among us need to take responsibility for ourselves.

    YOur son may up the ante on acting out now that you are drawing lines...be prepared for how you will respond to that. Remember that the loudness or depth of his anger or distress doesn't correlate to how WRONG you are...it just correlates to how severely he is connected to the status quo.

    He may try to scare you by threatening to leave, or to hurt himself. Be prepared for those threats as well (I always think when they threaten to leave you should agree).

    Good luck.

    Keep posting.

    You are on the right path now, for you and for him.

  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Lil, he is acting like a baby. I find it hard to believe he couldn't have filled out applications and I don't buy his excuse that he is afraid to tell you things. That is the stuff ten year olds pull and they don't always mean it. He knows you feel sorry for him so he manipulates you into thinking he is so unhappy with himself that he can't look for a job. What kind of nonsense is that? I hate to bring this up again, but my autistic son looked for a job and he's pretty insecure with people. He doesn't want to work. That's the bottom line. He is also probably getting money in illegal ways, even if you don't want to believe it. He is probably using drugs that you don't know about. My daughter did all this and it never crossed my mind that she would. The only reason I finally found out was because life got hard for her (no money, no home, no car, nothing) and she quit. Then she told us everything and shocked us. She had actually been using meth. And psychodelics. We never would have guessed. However, even during drug days she DID work because she got nothing from us. in my opinion a psychiatrist is fine along with getting a job. He has more going on than just insecurity. You can face it or not, but this kid has lots of extra stuff in his life that you probably don't know anything about.

    You are not me or any one of us, but if this were my kid, he'd be packed and gone. He is lying to you, playing games with you, doing nothing productive and refusing to grow up. If he does live with you, in my opinion again (others may disagree) I think he should have to do his own cooking and cleaning and laundry and everything. I don't think he should ever have access to your car. He's not looking for jobs. I would not buy him clothes for job hunting. I went to Walmart to pick up a paper applicatio and was told they don't do paper applications. Puzzled, I went to McD's. Same thing. I went to many places and it's all online so he doesn't need any clothes for that. I don't believe he hit a glitch with KMart. I think it is another lie. Why is he so special that he can't fill out an online application like everyone else does? That's how you get hired.

    How do I know? I lived with a chronic liar and boy was he good at lying. Your son's ability to sound helpless and a victim while lying is familiar to me. My son still does it sometimes. He is 36. Am I 100% sure your son is the same? Of course not, but your son does not sound like he is heading in the right direction in any way and if you don't push him to grow up, who will? Well, the rest of the world will. He will become ostracized. Nobody wants to hang around with a jobless adult unless he is also a jobless adult and usually they are on drugs. He is going to fall further and further behind his peers and it will get harder and harder for him to live a normal life. And guess what? You can't live forever. Then what?

    I hope this isn't too harsh. It just seems to me like, in the back of it all, you still see him as this bumbling little boy who is in tears because somebody teased him rather than a grown man who made some terrible decisions, lies to you, refuses to work, and is playing games with your head. You think if you raise his self-esteem he will change. Only he can raise his self-esteem and it will raise if he starts doing things for himself.

    The only person you can fix is yourself. If it were me, he sure as hello would have gone back to that job fair after I paid for his ID. Why didn't you make him? I admit I'm a little puzzled with all this, but I think the biggest problem is your relationship with your own self. I think you think of yourself still as "mommy" to a little boy and you are the woman who gave birth to a now grown man who does not need a mommy anymore. I could be way off here. I apologize if I am and I do wish all of you the best of luck. I hope you can learn to live your life and let go of the urge to fix this man. I really do. With all my heart.
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    Last edited: Jul 14, 2014
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Oh Lil, I am sorry for the day you have had.

    Your posts sound just like my life used to be with difficult child. This was even before he started getting into all of the serious trouble---back when he graduated from h.s. and that first year of college was just like this.

    He would literally WEAR ME OUT with all of his stuff. It was truly like following along behind a little baby and cleaning up every mess the baby made. Except he wasn't a baby. He was a six foot tall young man. He would stand at the door to my home office and literally keep the conversation going with everything he COULDN"T do.

    I was so very tired of it. In time, I became so very sick and tired that I finally stopped doing the same thing over and over again, which was cleaning up after him ONE MORE TIME in hopes that THIS TIME was the last time.

    I will tell you that the problems have gotten worse. The results much more serious. As I have learned to stop all of what you did today, the answering the phone, running home to find his papers, giving him yet more money, trying to shore him up via phone when he called so many times to tell me how the one thing he just tried didn't work, and NOW what was he going to do?

    I had truly never seen anybody so helpless. This a grown man---a young man, yes---but someone who should be able to do A + B = C, at the very least.

    Lil, I taught him all of that. I taught him that he just had to sit in one place and shrug his shoulders and say I can't, enough times, because I'd step in and take care of it.

    Only you can't live another person's life for them. We do it while they are younger because we are their mothers and they are our kids.

    But they aren't kids anymore. And it's not a pretty sight.


    I put a line there because i believe it signifies the line you crossed today. You are sick and tired. I hear it in every word you posted.

    And Lil, like Echo said, that is a good point to be at. You are ready to make a change. When you change, he HAS to change. Maybe not all the way quickly to the functioning human being you are looking for and hoping for, but he HAS to change something when you change something.

    That's how connected we moms are to our difficult children, early on.

    Lil, be patient with yourself right now. You are ready for something new. It's not going to be pretty. It's not going to be smooth. It likely will get worse before it gets better.

    But THIS has to happen. If it doesn't, you're going to be a 70 year old woman with a 39 year old man living in your basement.

    First thing, Lil, stick to whatever you have said. As Echo said, he will likely ramp up. If he threatens to commit suicide (I know, it is too awful to contemplate but my difficult child has done that, multiple times), call the police. In my state, it's illegal to threaten suicide.

    They will take him for evaluation. My difficult child used to do that to try to make me do whatever it was he wanted me to do.

    After the third or fourth time, I knew (believed) it was bs, so when he would start that kind of talk, I would say:

    Every single time you mention suicide, I will call the police.

    Guess what? That behavior stopped immediately. Yes, he has tried to pull it multiple times, but I've shut it down every time. You always take a threat like that seriously, I believe, and God forbid any of our difficult children ever do that, but it usually is a manipulation.

    It's a shock tactic. Just be prepared Lil. That's all.

    I'm just so sorry you have to walk this road. It is hard. But being sick and tired is a good place to be, Lil. And it's a place we have all been.

    Keep posting. We get it. We care. We care about your son and we care about YOU.
  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I agree with you 100%.

    I also agree he needs therapy. I wish I could get him to think that. I don't think there's much going on with drugs and I don't think he's doing anything illegal...I admit I could be wrong...but I don't think so. He has a small amount of income from his friend who is making payments to him on the computer he bought.

    He does. If I cook he's welcome to eat. But if he doesn't like what I make he can cook for himself. He does his own laundry and is required to keep his room clean...if not neat. He also helps with household things like taking out the trash and pooper scooping the yard.

    No it isn't. I was literally sitting by his side with my eyes on the computer screen when I glitched and kicked him out. It happened. I saw it happen with my own two eyes.

    No, actually I see him as a very immature, manipulative, moody, ass, who wants to live like a 13 year old with adult privilges and none of the responsibilty.

    Mostly because I don't give a rat's hindquarters where he works, as long as he works.

    Oh - and MWM - I tried Walmart myself - the website would not take an application unless they are hiring, which they are not. I tried. Not him. And he can't be hired at McDonald's for six months, because he was fired from a McDonalds right before he came home...so 5 more months.

    On a (one and only) positive note - he just called and asked me to text him our minister's contact info for a job reference. So whereever he is - and I don't particularly care at the moment - there's apparently a job applicaton involved.
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I tried to edit this to say "when it glitched and kicked him out" but it wouldn't let me edit.

    Does this website recognize Freudian slips. :p
  8. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Oh my God, Lil. I feel for you, I really do, because I've lived this hell you're going through with your son. The unkept promises. The manipulation. The sleeping, the computer, the video games. The substance abuse.

    What sort of worked for my son was taking his keys away and packing him a lunch and telling him not to return for eight hours. Yes, get him a bus pass, and a public library card, where he can use the computer to fill out job applications.

    It's really helpful if you have your own therapist to guide you in your interactions with him. It's a new way of thinking about and relating to your son that will encourage good, independent behaviors and discourage bad, dependent behavior.

    You might want to move him out of the house altogether in order to preserve your sanity.
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Lil, I'm really sorry. Don't know what else to tell you other than to move on and take care of yourself. I do think your son has more issues than you think, just like me and my daughter...me thinking she was just using pot. These types of kids are fantastic actors (sigh). Other than wishing you well and hoping you get help FOR YOURSELF and maybe telling your son to get ready to move...I'm fresh out of ideas.

    Wishing you the best; sending my heartfelt prayers.
  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Thanks ladies. I do appreciate the input and sympathy. And MWM, I agree with you on many points...most, if not all.

    Well, we'll see. He says he did go to Kmart to ask if the app went through but the manager was out and he has her name and number to call tomorrow. He says he put in at Hardees and tried a couple other places, but they weren't taking applications. He also says he's going to do a resume, because a couple of online apps asked them to be uploaded.

    We had a church board meeting tonight so got home just a few minutes ago. He showed us the new ID and told us what I've just said. I told him, "I want you to be completely clear. There is no more money here. I will not give you a penny. I will feed you and clothe you and give you a roof over your head. Friday you will give us the keys to the car. The ONLY reason you have the car until Friday is because we promised and we do not go back on our words. You've pushed as far as you can. We're done."

    He did his, "I know I've been a bad son." routine and told us he wanted to change and would...blah blah blah.

    He was told he better mean it, because if he doesn't, he will be out.

    Keep me in your prayers ladies.
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I would not say another word. Like NIKE just do it. His, " I am a pathetic loser. Please feel sorry for me.", is just over the top.
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  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    He's had drama down to a fine art since he was ... well, since birth. I remember him getting upset as a baby - we're talking 4 months old or less - and he'd close his eyes and grind his toothless gums together, ball his tiny fists up and scream - red-faced and shaking. I never knew an infant could get that angry.

    He kind of never outgrew it.

    The truly scary thing, is how like his biological father he is. I remember him holding my son in his arms when he was a newborn, of course he wasn't working and I was basically borrowing money to stay afloat because I used all my sick leave and had no money coming in, and saying, "Your daddy is a failure." I said to him that day what I said to my son today - "You're not a failure. You have to try in order to fail. You've never tried." I can't believe I had to repeat those words today.
  13. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Did you read our thread on nature vs. nurture? Heh. I have adopted kids and almost all adoptive parents at least in the parent group I have been in for some twenty years believe that nature trumps nurture every time. Our adopted kids are soooooooooo like their biological parents that they often have never met, although many of us have, or whom they meet when they are older. Some of them even talk the same and have similar gestures of people they have never met.

    It's an interesting topic :)
  14. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Yes, actually I have looked at that. You know, the thing is, he's MY biological kid too! You'd think he'd have gotten a few of my genes! Well, I suppose he did in part (other than brown hair and eyes, biodad was blond and blue eyed) but he's a really intelligent kid and (it sounds braggy no matter how I phrase it) I'm very intelligent. My IQ tested just two points below genius in college. I had a 4.0 GPA in my major and minor and college and only missed summa cum laude by .5. My ex, on the other hand, once argued with me that if you watched cartoons and a black and white TV they'd still be in color.

    But that personality is all biodad. Not wanting to work. Wanting everything handed to him. Substance abuse (dad's was beer). Lying...I've often said biodad would lie about things when telling the truth would get him out of trouble...sounds like not mentioning losing the license, huh? Even some manorisms...this little smirk he sometimes gets when your mad at him - when he was little I just wanted to slap him he looked so much like his biodad.

    His temper is mine too I suppose...but I get over it and control it and have been able to since I was much younger than him.

    He hasn't seen the man since he was 5 and barely knew him before that. He has no real memories of him. It's just ... kinda creepy to be perfectly honest.

    Well - last night was one long smootch. At one point (he was telling us what cool parents we'd been) I told him to remove his lips from my buttocks because I wanted to sit down. He was the perfect child. Chatty, helpful, optimistic, and when discussing the situation, remorseful. - I'll believe it when I see it.
  15. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Lil, you mention your ex-husband, his father, and his problems with life. Is he an alcoholic or drug addict?

    Your son's many problems you describe could be all related to addiction. You say he is really smart and capable but was always a difficult child.

    My son, too. Exactly the same MO.

    Lil, I am sure you are wracking your brain trying to figure out who, what, how, when and why all of this stuff happened or is happening with your son.

    Addiction would explain ALL of it. Every single bit of it.

    And in time, if it is true, it will be revealed. You don't have to know it or figure it out today, but I just mention it because if you're like I was, I used to spend hours and hours and hours---in the middle of the night especially----trying to figure out what in the world was wrong with my son.

    My son was a hard baby. He had colic and formula intolerance. Then he was clingy. He was shy. He didn't like new situations. He didn't like separations. He was almost too perfect in elementary school. Then he became the class clown. Then he started pushing the envelope and getting into trouble in middle school. He liked the attention, even negative attention. I know my son is anxious, he worries a lot about things, he bites and picks his fingernails down to the quick, he likes to have complete control over his life, so his life has gotten very small so he can control it all....on and on.

    Things just got worse and worse and worse with him after high school. The lying, the deceptions, the stealing, the cigarette smoking (Mom, I don't smoke, you know how much I HATE cigarettes and always have, remember how much I've always talked about hating smoking---you are smelling my friends who smoke---that's why my car is full of burn marks and ashes, because all of my friends, they are so stupid to smoke, they're the ones....and I believed it for a long, long time Lil. He HAD always talked negatively about smoking, so I believed him. Wrong: he was smoking all long, and lying about it straight to my face with persuasive stories).

    I realize today there is so much I don't know about the things he has done. In fact, I would guess that I maybe know 20 percent of it.

    I used to think he was just lazy, just immature, just needed more time to grow up, just needed a firmer hand, just needed to get through college, just needed to find a nice girlfriend...just needed, just needed, just needed....when in fact, all of it, every single bit of it, I believe today, is related to addiction.

    It's genetic. He is a lot like his dad. Always has been. And he has his dad's genes, and his paternal grandfather's genes, and my maternal grandmother's genes, and my brother's genes, all of these people have the disease of addiction.

    Lil, maybe your son isn't an addict, I have no idea. I just mention this to you because if it is the case, and he is using drugs to self-medicate and he can't stop, then he will have to have recovery before anything will change.

    Addiction is a progressive disease. It doesn't stay the same. It gets worse without treatment.

    And of course, you can't make him go to treatment or force him to accept any kind of help. I know, I've been there done that. I have manipulated my son into treatment more than once, and it's a colossal waste of time and money and hope and effort.

    So, in the end, it circles back to just letting go. Just letting go. The hardest single thing in the world to do, when you love someone and you continue to watch them self-destruct, make bad decisions, do stupid things and leave a trail of destruction in their wake.

    Warm hugs Lil. Strength for the journey. It' all about progress, not perfection. If you haven't yet gone to Al-Anon, you might try going there, and see if it's a good place for you.
  16. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Was, not is. Died when my son was about 7 - shortly after my husband adopted him. Suicide. Decided that, though he'd done the crime (burglary) he couldn't do the time, and hung himself in jail. My son does know this - we ended up telling him when he was about 17. He had always known his biodad died, but never asked how. He finally did. I tried to paint it in as good a light as possible under the circumstances. (That he probably thought they'd stop him and get him some help.) I never, ever spoke ill of my ex...except to warn my son that alcoholism runs in his family. He once asked (he was about 8) why we got divorced and I told him that when you grow up and get married and have babies that you have to work together to earn money and take care of things and his dad didn't want to work; he wanted to be taken care of like he was a kid too and you just can't do that. I told my son then that if he ever wanted to know anything about his dad he could ask me, and if I thought he was old enough to understand, I'd tell the truth always, but he needed to know that he might not always like the truth. He never asked another question until he asked how he died.

    We weren't together long. I only knew my ex 5 months before we married (Ok - so maybe I'm NOT so intelligent) and were only together about 2 years total. He moved out when my son was about 6 months old...left me for a woman who wouldn't insist he get a job...and began his life of crime. It started with pawning stuff he'd stolen from people who he was house-sitting for - of course, when he was young he'd stolen from his parents and actually gone to jail for it.

    So yeah, when my kid was stealing from me...don't think I wasn't freaking out. But ex had always had a lot of problems...depressions, prior suicide attempts, trouble with the law - and yes, much stemmed from drinking.

    And I know - really, I KNOW - that the stealing and such last year was drugs. I still think it's pot and not anything "harder" but it doesn't matter - an addiction is an addiction. We've told my son that.

    He's always been very obsessive about things, whether it was trains as a toddler (he could name all the different types of freight cars by the age of 3) to video games - he fixates on one thing. The latest and worst has been pot...or a reasonable facsimile of pot - my God I hate that "legal" stuff. He knows everything there is to know about pot, it's benefits, medicinal uses, etc. He admits to using pretty much every other day when he was away. He definitely was last summer when he was home.

    He has been very different since coming home last month though. He says he's only used once (the "legal" stuff) and really, there's only been one time that I've been certain that he was high. I supposed he might have learned to "maintain" better - but he spends more time with us, chit-chats, there's no smell to his clothes or room that isn't dirty young man BO and cigarettes.

    So while it does appear he's still smoking...I do think he's cut way back. My hope is that he is able to control this.

    I do realize that hope may be in vain.

    Yes. Last summer he was in therapy. He had antidepressants. He wouldn't take them. He lied to his therapist. I do wish he'd agree - I've tossed out the opinion several times when he says we "don't understand" that he could use therapy to help him come to terms with just life...his constantly being "unhappy", etc. If I could get him in for one thing perhaps treatment would follow.

    But I can only deal with one thing at a time. If he gets a job and has to go to work five days a week and maybe meets more people who aren't stoners and has something to do with himself, then maybe the rest will work itself out.

    It's all I have right now.
  17. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    This website does not like my work browser.
  18. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi Lil, thanks for the background. I am sorry about your ex-husband. That is very tragic, any way you look at it.

    My son is obsessive too---as a child he collected lots of different things. He would focus strongly on that thing and really drive us all nuts until he added the next thing to his collection. Beanie babies was one of them. We have black trash bags of BB in our attic today. I wish the darn things would come back and be worth something. I could retire. :)

    I understand your hope here. And unfortunately, I also have "been to school" on addiction. There is no cutting back. An addict/alcoholic can't use substances. At all. Of any amount.

    If you haven't read it already, Lil, When the Servant Becomes the Master is a really good, recent book, written by a recovering MD. Was published in 2012. Good A to Z on addiction, from the brain chemistry to the behavior to the treatment. Good support for families.

    I understand. Hang in there. We're here for you, no matter what you do or don't do or what he does or doesn't do.
  19. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I know this, really I do. My best friend is an alcoholic, sober for maybe 10 years now. I dated a guy once who had been an addict, clean for 10 years and he wouldn't even use mouthwash with alcohol or take an asprin.

    But, I drank like a fish in college and law school. My first several years of law practice I drank pretty much every day, not to drunkeness, but still. My husband was the same in the Marines. We drink now and after one or two drinks not want any more. Literally we buy our favorite brand of hard cider and the six pack will be in the fridge for months with two or four still in it. I love Bailey's in coffee or over ice and I have a bottle I don't even remember buying - drank some about 2 weeks ago - I have no idea how long it's been in the fridge.

    Some people don't become addicts.

    All I can deal with is getting him working. Get him occupied and hopefully doing something contructive. Because he doesn't believe he has a problem and won't do anything about it at this point.

    My hope...really it's just a hope...is that maybe he isn't an addict yet. Maybe, just maybe, he's done with pot what I did with beer in college and vodka martini's while practicing law, and he can cut back and quit without needing treatment. His dad's genetics may be against him, but mine are in his favor.

    I do understand it may be a fool's hope. But again, I don't have anything else right now.
  20. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Lil I so hope your son will move out of his current behavior and get some solid footing. I so hope he doesn't have the DNA of his dad.

    As time goes on, you will know.

    And I have learned that we get knowledge as we need it.

    Today like you said, I hope he gets a job.

    Warm hugs Lil.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
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