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...and it all falls apart.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 700574" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Did id occur to you, sweet Lil, that he didnt lose the $80? I would never believe the $80 just disappeared or was stolen. This missing money seems to be a pattern of an excuse our grown kids use to spend the money and then call home saying it was stolen or lost and begging for more. The money is usually spent on drugs or alcohol or both. Like the rest of us, we hope the adult kids are only smoking pot. I thought thats all my daughter took, but after she quit she confessed to heavy use if meth, cocaine and ADHD drugs. I never suspected as she went to school and worked. I guess some people can.</p><p></p><p>If you feel comfortable setting your son up in a place and paying, because it hurts you toi much not to, then do it. For you. It is not for him becsuse he will only grow more dependent on you, but you need to be able to wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and enjoy the day. We matter.</p><p></p><p>Do what you need to do for yourself. Just be honest that it is more for you than your son. I think its okay to put this at rest if we can't let go as long as we are clearheaded snd understand that this will not "give him a new start." Lower your expecectations snd do what you can live with. Giving our kids ten new starts doesnt seem to help, whatever the problem is. Although our situations are very different, my ex husband is throwing money for the legal fees at my troubled son for four years now and son is still playing out how he has the worse life on earth. And me?</p><p></p><p>I enable with my ears because my mother disowned me and I just wont. Lil, his lawyer wanted his phone records. He took one look at them and gave them back. 95 percent of his phone calls were to me, his mommy, at his age. It is what I do so I can look at myself in the mirror, but his lawyer Im sure was stunned. Am I enabling him to find no outside support? I dont know. I just know that I can do this, and when I can't I take breaks, and that my son isnt "right" and I can talk to him, although that is my limit as to what Ill do. But it is time consuming and repetitious and always about HIM and he has no problem swearing at me and hanging up if he doesnt think I am helpful enough. He is very disrespectful. And I still listen to his nonstop complaining. Sadly, it rarely even bothers me anymore. He has been doing it for over twenty years. He has always disrespected everyone he knew and I dont take it personally, although its not endearing.</p><p></p><p>It is not about him. its about me and the mirror and the fact that he is my son. It helps that he lives far away. it helps a lot. I could never live with him....even the thought of a week visit is unappealing, except for grandson and grandson is just there hslf the time. So I haven't gone in two years. Listening when I feel up to it, is what I do, knowing it will be the same ole same ole. And without respect although he does often thsnk me. There is that.</p><p></p><p>Do what gives you peace. I know my son won't change at his age and I suspect he has a personality disorder. Your son is young. He has issues, but is still young and could change. I feel he has hope.</p><p></p><p>Do what you have to do. its very hard to know what is the right ir wrong thing to do. Set certain boundaries and make sure you take care of you. We all need to live with ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Have a peaceful night.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 700574, member: 1550"] Did id occur to you, sweet Lil, that he didnt lose the $80? I would never believe the $80 just disappeared or was stolen. This missing money seems to be a pattern of an excuse our grown kids use to spend the money and then call home saying it was stolen or lost and begging for more. The money is usually spent on drugs or alcohol or both. Like the rest of us, we hope the adult kids are only smoking pot. I thought thats all my daughter took, but after she quit she confessed to heavy use if meth, cocaine and ADHD drugs. I never suspected as she went to school and worked. I guess some people can. If you feel comfortable setting your son up in a place and paying, because it hurts you toi much not to, then do it. For you. It is not for him becsuse he will only grow more dependent on you, but you need to be able to wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and enjoy the day. We matter. Do what you need to do for yourself. Just be honest that it is more for you than your son. I think its okay to put this at rest if we can't let go as long as we are clearheaded snd understand that this will not "give him a new start." Lower your expecectations snd do what you can live with. Giving our kids ten new starts doesnt seem to help, whatever the problem is. Although our situations are very different, my ex husband is throwing money for the legal fees at my troubled son for four years now and son is still playing out how he has the worse life on earth. And me? I enable with my ears because my mother disowned me and I just wont. Lil, his lawyer wanted his phone records. He took one look at them and gave them back. 95 percent of his phone calls were to me, his mommy, at his age. It is what I do so I can look at myself in the mirror, but his lawyer Im sure was stunned. Am I enabling him to find no outside support? I dont know. I just know that I can do this, and when I can't I take breaks, and that my son isnt "right" and I can talk to him, although that is my limit as to what Ill do. But it is time consuming and repetitious and always about HIM and he has no problem swearing at me and hanging up if he doesnt think I am helpful enough. He is very disrespectful. And I still listen to his nonstop complaining. Sadly, it rarely even bothers me anymore. He has been doing it for over twenty years. He has always disrespected everyone he knew and I dont take it personally, although its not endearing. It is not about him. its about me and the mirror and the fact that he is my son. It helps that he lives far away. it helps a lot. I could never live with him....even the thought of a week visit is unappealing, except for grandson and grandson is just there hslf the time. So I haven't gone in two years. Listening when I feel up to it, is what I do, knowing it will be the same ole same ole. And without respect although he does often thsnk me. There is that. Do what gives you peace. I know my son won't change at his age and I suspect he has a personality disorder. Your son is young. He has issues, but is still young and could change. I feel he has hope. Do what you have to do. its very hard to know what is the right ir wrong thing to do. Set certain boundaries and make sure you take care of you. We all need to live with ourselves. Have a peaceful night. [/QUOTE]
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