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And so dawns another day......
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 74215" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>On the behaviour issue, with difficult child 1 - get your hands on "The Explosive Child" as as high priority. If you need a quick preview there is some discussion of this in Early Childhood. You can also Google the book, have a look at Ross Greene's website. Because if you continue as you are now, you won't survive her adolescence. Or she won't survive it!</p><p></p><p>And you'll need to get husband to read it too. But if he can't (and some blokes just can't 'get into it' - don't know why, but it's not lack of motivation) then summarise it for him, this will help you really understand the book too.</p><p></p><p>You don't have to do everything the book says - but the basic premise is very simple. Don't use discipline techniques that aren't working. Try to understand what is making the kid tick. Don't make threats you can't/won't carry out. Don't ever back down (which means don't put yourself in a position where you have to back down - sometimes it's best to not take on a battle you can't win). And always make sure any battle you pick, you will win. This can mean that a lot of battles don't get picked.</p><p></p><p>A common problem when trying to discipline an out-of-control kid, is we try to fix everything at once. "I'm not having that - or that - or that. And I'm certainly not standing for THAT!"</p><p>The end result is a kid trying to learn too many changes in how she must behave. If the child also has impulse control issues, a short fuse or other issues, you could be asking for more than they can give. A kid who is sometimes explosive due to a short fuse or impulse control issues, or easily frustrated, IS going to rage occasionally. I've had to learn to NOT discipline the rages - but don't reward them either. It's like a kettle on the simmer - if you stopper up all the holes including the spout, even a simmering kettle will explode and send scalding water everywhere. But if you allow a safety valve, you can prevent a major accident. A kid rages, perhaps after you've said something like, "Because you didn't eat all your dinner, I'm not letting you have ice cream," and you have to accept that they will rage. As they learn control you can increase your expectations. But that doesn't mean raging is acceptable - we simply say, "Take that anger somewhere else, we can't hear the TV." Or WE leave the room.</p><p></p><p>Maybe you choose to stop the rages, but let something else alone for a while. The trick is to only work on SOME behaviours at a time, and everyone must agree as to what is being worked on (and how) and what is being ignored. For now. You WILL get a chance to work on everything, in time.</p><p></p><p>The book explains how to do this. It actually is easier to do than what you're currently trying to do. And what I like about it - I get better results in difficult child 3's behaviour overall, using this method.</p><p></p><p>The hardest part of it - trying to get all adults involved to be on the same page; and trying to get into the child's head so you get a better 'feel' for what sets them off and what causes the behaviour problems.</p><p></p><p>If cost is an issue, try your local library. But seriously, this has helped so many of us. It's not a cure, it's just a different way of looking at the problems and a different way of handing them. Because too often, what we've been doing up until now just isn't getting us the results we need, AND it's just too much hard work.</p><p></p><p>A thought in the meantime - how about each adult in the house makes sure to take each child in turn, at some stage during the week, for some one-on-one time. It could be to read a book, go for a walk, play a game or even do craft together. Do something the child enjoys, but make it individual time for that child. Make it clear to the children that you each want to spend time with each child in turn, so they will all get a chance.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 74215, member: 1991"] On the behaviour issue, with difficult child 1 - get your hands on "The Explosive Child" as as high priority. If you need a quick preview there is some discussion of this in Early Childhood. You can also Google the book, have a look at Ross Greene's website. Because if you continue as you are now, you won't survive her adolescence. Or she won't survive it! And you'll need to get husband to read it too. But if he can't (and some blokes just can't 'get into it' - don't know why, but it's not lack of motivation) then summarise it for him, this will help you really understand the book too. You don't have to do everything the book says - but the basic premise is very simple. Don't use discipline techniques that aren't working. Try to understand what is making the kid tick. Don't make threats you can't/won't carry out. Don't ever back down (which means don't put yourself in a position where you have to back down - sometimes it's best to not take on a battle you can't win). And always make sure any battle you pick, you will win. This can mean that a lot of battles don't get picked. A common problem when trying to discipline an out-of-control kid, is we try to fix everything at once. "I'm not having that - or that - or that. And I'm certainly not standing for THAT!" The end result is a kid trying to learn too many changes in how she must behave. If the child also has impulse control issues, a short fuse or other issues, you could be asking for more than they can give. A kid who is sometimes explosive due to a short fuse or impulse control issues, or easily frustrated, IS going to rage occasionally. I've had to learn to NOT discipline the rages - but don't reward them either. It's like a kettle on the simmer - if you stopper up all the holes including the spout, even a simmering kettle will explode and send scalding water everywhere. But if you allow a safety valve, you can prevent a major accident. A kid rages, perhaps after you've said something like, "Because you didn't eat all your dinner, I'm not letting you have ice cream," and you have to accept that they will rage. As they learn control you can increase your expectations. But that doesn't mean raging is acceptable - we simply say, "Take that anger somewhere else, we can't hear the TV." Or WE leave the room. Maybe you choose to stop the rages, but let something else alone for a while. The trick is to only work on SOME behaviours at a time, and everyone must agree as to what is being worked on (and how) and what is being ignored. For now. You WILL get a chance to work on everything, in time. The book explains how to do this. It actually is easier to do than what you're currently trying to do. And what I like about it - I get better results in difficult child 3's behaviour overall, using this method. The hardest part of it - trying to get all adults involved to be on the same page; and trying to get into the child's head so you get a better 'feel' for what sets them off and what causes the behaviour problems. If cost is an issue, try your local library. But seriously, this has helped so many of us. It's not a cure, it's just a different way of looking at the problems and a different way of handing them. Because too often, what we've been doing up until now just isn't getting us the results we need, AND it's just too much hard work. A thought in the meantime - how about each adult in the house makes sure to take each child in turn, at some stage during the week, for some one-on-one time. It could be to read a book, go for a walk, play a game or even do craft together. Do something the child enjoys, but make it individual time for that child. Make it clear to the children that you each want to spend time with each child in turn, so they will all get a chance. Marg [/QUOTE]
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