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And then I asked him to stop calling me.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 619839" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Oh Echo. Even when we don't talk to them, they are still THERE. With their hangup phone calls, with their talking to others near to us, with all of these strings still attached, paying us back, not paying us back. Them---with their requests, like the GED or a ride to get a job, or a new cord for their computer so they can look for halfway houses. </p><p></p><p>They have us right where they want us, or even if not RIGHT WHERE, they still have us. </p><p></p><p>I so get the not wanting to take his calls. So, if you did, let's play the movie. Is there anything to be accomplished on the call? That is a question I ask periodically when I'm deciding whether or not I will take calls.</p><p></p><p>Not taking calls is a relatively new thing for me---just a few months. I remember when I first had the thought---such a shock it was---that I could let his calls go to vm. That is when he still had a phone. Then it was texting my phone from his computer---actually a more distant way to communicate, better. Then came the days of 262 texts in one day, less the next, then more another day. Just periods and question marks. </p><p></p><p>Then I got mad. </p><p></p><p>A while back, some of my family members had given me money for him. I was holding it for when he needed deposits on an apartment etc. For when he was ready to start on a better path. </p><p></p><p>That money weighed one thousand pounds. I had somebody else's money who was homeless. The burden of that money taught me never to do that again.</p><p></p><p>And so we go. We learn slowly, slowly, what we can do, what we will do, and what we still just have to do, for right now. </p><p></p><p>We can only do what we can live with. I see you walking that narrow ledge of trying to figure that out.</p><p></p><p>It takes so much, so much out of us. And it never stops. That is why the quick cutoff, no communication, feels so desirable, even as we fear it and dread it. It would bring some relief, at least for a while. It would be clean and swift and without all of this endless back and forth, what is the right thing to do, woulda, shoulda, coulda.</p><p></p><p>THEY have put us here. They have pushed us into the corner you describe and our faces are pressed against the hard wall so that we can barely breathe, but STILL, still, we still want to be in the same room at least, with our sons and daughters who we love so much.</p><p></p><p>I don't know how to do this either. Some here are doing it, and I understand they, too, have gotten here one step, one inch at a time. This goes against everything. This is so unnatural.</p><p></p><p>Good for you that you sent the facebook message. That helps, stating your truth. Setting the boundary again. You did it kindly and clearly. My son has never been aggressive either, not hostile or violent. He pushes hard to get what he wants---really, really hard, but when I say no, he drops it...until the next time or the next thing he comes up with.</p><p></p><p>I also understand about the bewilderment we feel at their refusal you talk about. Refuse to participate in society. Just won't. That is not what they saw, that is not what we taught them. How do people just check out, do nothing, contribute nothing, expect other people to make their very lives happen for them? That is an impossible situation, and no good, no good, comes from it. We see that with our difficult children, why don't they see it?</p><p></p><p>I don't know the answer here. I feel your pain, profoundly. I so understand your grief, your despair and your anger. Remember Echo, you only do what you feel is right. That is your decision and your choice. And you can change your mind at any time. </p><p></p><p>You are right to do what you decide to do, for now. </p><p></p><p>Just for today. Just for today. Hugs, and prayers and love and compassion flowing from me to you. I am praying for you and your precious son. There can always be a miracle, Echo. Look how much WE have changed.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 619839, member: 17542"] Oh Echo. Even when we don't talk to them, they are still THERE. With their hangup phone calls, with their talking to others near to us, with all of these strings still attached, paying us back, not paying us back. Them---with their requests, like the GED or a ride to get a job, or a new cord for their computer so they can look for halfway houses. They have us right where they want us, or even if not RIGHT WHERE, they still have us. I so get the not wanting to take his calls. So, if you did, let's play the movie. Is there anything to be accomplished on the call? That is a question I ask periodically when I'm deciding whether or not I will take calls. Not taking calls is a relatively new thing for me---just a few months. I remember when I first had the thought---such a shock it was---that I could let his calls go to vm. That is when he still had a phone. Then it was texting my phone from his computer---actually a more distant way to communicate, better. Then came the days of 262 texts in one day, less the next, then more another day. Just periods and question marks. Then I got mad. A while back, some of my family members had given me money for him. I was holding it for when he needed deposits on an apartment etc. For when he was ready to start on a better path. That money weighed one thousand pounds. I had somebody else's money who was homeless. The burden of that money taught me never to do that again. And so we go. We learn slowly, slowly, what we can do, what we will do, and what we still just have to do, for right now. We can only do what we can live with. I see you walking that narrow ledge of trying to figure that out. It takes so much, so much out of us. And it never stops. That is why the quick cutoff, no communication, feels so desirable, even as we fear it and dread it. It would bring some relief, at least for a while. It would be clean and swift and without all of this endless back and forth, what is the right thing to do, woulda, shoulda, coulda. THEY have put us here. They have pushed us into the corner you describe and our faces are pressed against the hard wall so that we can barely breathe, but STILL, still, we still want to be in the same room at least, with our sons and daughters who we love so much. I don't know how to do this either. Some here are doing it, and I understand they, too, have gotten here one step, one inch at a time. This goes against everything. This is so unnatural. Good for you that you sent the facebook message. That helps, stating your truth. Setting the boundary again. You did it kindly and clearly. My son has never been aggressive either, not hostile or violent. He pushes hard to get what he wants---really, really hard, but when I say no, he drops it...until the next time or the next thing he comes up with. I also understand about the bewilderment we feel at their refusal you talk about. Refuse to participate in society. Just won't. That is not what they saw, that is not what we taught them. How do people just check out, do nothing, contribute nothing, expect other people to make their very lives happen for them? That is an impossible situation, and no good, no good, comes from it. We see that with our difficult children, why don't they see it? I don't know the answer here. I feel your pain, profoundly. I so understand your grief, your despair and your anger. Remember Echo, you only do what you feel is right. That is your decision and your choice. And you can change your mind at any time. You are right to do what you decide to do, for now. Just for today. Just for today. Hugs, and prayers and love and compassion flowing from me to you. I am praying for you and your precious son. There can always be a miracle, Echo. Look how much WE have changed. [/QUOTE]
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And then I asked him to stop calling me.
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