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And then I asked him to stop calling me.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 619845" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh Echolette, I am so very sorry. I understand that place you find yourself in now and I know how much it hurts to be there.............I'm glad you wrote your feelings down so we can offer you some comfort through this.............</p><p></p><p>It's so good that you are not Charlie Brown anymore, kicking that football. That is a huge, huge step, to take ourselves out of the game. Unfortunately it doesn't feel very good though. I know.</p><p></p><p>You are taking care of YOU, that is very important and you are doing it. </p><p></p><p>In my opinion, you are building a new pathway, taking care of you, putting what you need first, above your difficult child.............and that does feel pretty weird for awhile. </p><p></p><p>I hope your young difficult child turns his life around. He is young, he may get to be a little older and that part of his brain which hasn't developed yet and which controls the recognition of consequences, may develop and he may be okay. Without you suffering through it of course........</p><p></p><p>I have been at this strange process for about 14 years on and off now................since my son in law committed suicide and everything in my daughter's life blew up. I truly hope your outcome is different then mine............but in the event that you too are confronted with a grown child who, as you put it, "refuses" to be a part of the world in which you and me and most of the world lives in............one thing that helped me was to begin to recognize that this was not only a choice my daughter was making, it was a lifestyle she <u>wanted</u> to live in............she perceives her lifestyle as being free, she sees herself as liberated from the working drones, her self perception, skewered as I may judge it to be, is the way she sees life............the choices she makes now, which, believe me, if I gave it any thought at all, I could judge it clear to the next universe................but that judgement brought on so much more suffering, so much more pain for me.............I had to stop being embarrassed by her actions............I had to stop criticizing her choices, stop blaming her, stop resenting her, stop all of the negative feelings I was having pretty much all the time................and ECHO, I know that's a big tall order when it's your kid doing all of this. I know.</p><p></p><p>That's where the spiritual path I mentioned on another thread came in. That concept of not judging and not comparing............detaching from the outcome..........looking at it as she has her own path, she has her own lessons, it doesn't have anything to do with me anymore............she is an adult...............choosing to live as she lives............And, ECHO, I know your son is only 20, but he made a clear choice to stay on the streets, to live a very unusual life..........my brother (who is schizophrenic) lived on the streets of L.A. for years and years...........he told me that there is a whole community of folks out there.............who choose to live that way.............it was remarkable to me............he had a whole family who would help him, but he didn't ask, he stayed 'out there'. He felt accepted 'out there'............he never felt accepted anywhere but 'out there.' That still makes me sad to remember that about him.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if this is helping or not, I hope so. The only thing you can do is to work on YOU, to look at your suffering over him and try with an open heart to find the places in yourself which are still expecting or needing him to show up a different way then he is.........you have to look at those and let those go.............he is not who you want him to be, he is who he is..............all you can do is create those boundaries around the behaviors which harm you............and continue to love him without the judgement, without the comparisons to others, those will harm you. And, ECHO, I do know how hard this is, I do. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. And, it's one step at a time too, one pretty tiny step at a time as a matter of fact. You are where you are, today that is the way it is............with each little let go, with each step, with each level of acceptance we muster up, we feel better about ourselves and then about difficult child too. </p><p></p><p>It's hard to keep that distance, but I think if that feels right to you to do, then it is the right thing for you to do. I think we need that distance to make the changes in us that are necessary so that we can learn to live in peace even though our kids have made choices which we may never understand or condone...........but we have to grab our own lives and continue to live too. While you are keeping away, I believe your brain and your heart are 're calibrating' .............your brain is building new neuropathways............the old ones cause pain, so new ones need to be made...........it takes time...............there are many tears and much wringing of the hands..........your heart needs to mend some, to shed the part which used to believe you could fix anything in regard to your children. You can't fix this.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there ECHO, we continue to circle the wagons around you..............sending you gentle hugs and many wishes and prayers for your peace to shine through your pain..............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 619845, member: 13542"] Oh Echolette, I am so very sorry. I understand that place you find yourself in now and I know how much it hurts to be there.............I'm glad you wrote your feelings down so we can offer you some comfort through this............. It's so good that you are not Charlie Brown anymore, kicking that football. That is a huge, huge step, to take ourselves out of the game. Unfortunately it doesn't feel very good though. I know. You are taking care of YOU, that is very important and you are doing it. In my opinion, you are building a new pathway, taking care of you, putting what you need first, above your difficult child.............and that does feel pretty weird for awhile. I hope your young difficult child turns his life around. He is young, he may get to be a little older and that part of his brain which hasn't developed yet and which controls the recognition of consequences, may develop and he may be okay. Without you suffering through it of course........ I have been at this strange process for about 14 years on and off now................since my son in law committed suicide and everything in my daughter's life blew up. I truly hope your outcome is different then mine............but in the event that you too are confronted with a grown child who, as you put it, "refuses" to be a part of the world in which you and me and most of the world lives in............one thing that helped me was to begin to recognize that this was not only a choice my daughter was making, it was a lifestyle she [U]wanted[/U] to live in............she perceives her lifestyle as being free, she sees herself as liberated from the working drones, her self perception, skewered as I may judge it to be, is the way she sees life............the choices she makes now, which, believe me, if I gave it any thought at all, I could judge it clear to the next universe................but that judgement brought on so much more suffering, so much more pain for me.............I had to stop being embarrassed by her actions............I had to stop criticizing her choices, stop blaming her, stop resenting her, stop all of the negative feelings I was having pretty much all the time................and ECHO, I know that's a big tall order when it's your kid doing all of this. I know. That's where the spiritual path I mentioned on another thread came in. That concept of not judging and not comparing............detaching from the outcome..........looking at it as she has her own path, she has her own lessons, it doesn't have anything to do with me anymore............she is an adult...............choosing to live as she lives............And, ECHO, I know your son is only 20, but he made a clear choice to stay on the streets, to live a very unusual life..........my brother (who is schizophrenic) lived on the streets of L.A. for years and years...........he told me that there is a whole community of folks out there.............who choose to live that way.............it was remarkable to me............he had a whole family who would help him, but he didn't ask, he stayed 'out there'. He felt accepted 'out there'............he never felt accepted anywhere but 'out there.' That still makes me sad to remember that about him. I don't know if this is helping or not, I hope so. The only thing you can do is to work on YOU, to look at your suffering over him and try with an open heart to find the places in yourself which are still expecting or needing him to show up a different way then he is.........you have to look at those and let those go.............he is not who you want him to be, he is who he is..............all you can do is create those boundaries around the behaviors which harm you............and continue to love him without the judgement, without the comparisons to others, those will harm you. And, ECHO, I do know how hard this is, I do. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. And, it's one step at a time too, one pretty tiny step at a time as a matter of fact. You are where you are, today that is the way it is............with each little let go, with each step, with each level of acceptance we muster up, we feel better about ourselves and then about difficult child too. It's hard to keep that distance, but I think if that feels right to you to do, then it is the right thing for you to do. I think we need that distance to make the changes in us that are necessary so that we can learn to live in peace even though our kids have made choices which we may never understand or condone...........but we have to grab our own lives and continue to live too. While you are keeping away, I believe your brain and your heart are 're calibrating' .............your brain is building new neuropathways............the old ones cause pain, so new ones need to be made...........it takes time...............there are many tears and much wringing of the hands..........your heart needs to mend some, to shed the part which used to believe you could fix anything in regard to your children. You can't fix this. Hang in there ECHO, we continue to circle the wagons around you..............sending you gentle hugs and many wishes and prayers for your peace to shine through your pain.............. [/QUOTE]
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