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And then I asked him to stop calling me.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 619862" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Echo, Child and Recovering have given such great advice and support. I love this site. </p><p></p><p>It doesn't feel much like it, I know, but by refusing his calls, you are engaging in the kinds of behaviors that will help your son see things more clearly. If you take his calls now, you are condoning years of betrayal to come, years of forgiveness "just this once" (more), and ultimately, total lack of respect for self or mom.</p><p></p><p>You have to stay the course, Echo.</p><p></p><p>That your son continues to call, that you refuse to take the calls, is the one honest piece of relationship left between you and your son. </p><p></p><p>That, and that you confronted him at the restaurant where he was begging.</p><p></p><p>I liked your courage in having done that so much that I told my husband about it.</p><p> </p><p>I wish I had known to approach the problem this way when my kids were young enough for it to matter. This is what that mom would do, Echolette, that mom I am always talking about. She would not even consider speaking to her son until he had met the rules she put in place for the sake of her son's own integrity.</p><p></p><p>It is like when he was a little boy in time out. It would have been easier for you to have let him out, to have let the time out be over. You left him there for his sake. It is the same thing, here. Your son knows the minimum of what he needs to do to have relationship with you. In a way, his calling without having done that is a test, Echo. </p><p></p><p>I wish I could know words to help you heal and make you so strong. These kids seem to want to wear us down for the pleasure of seeing us powerless. Eventually, we compromise, because we love them, and so desperately want them to be okay.</p><p></p><p>You are strong enough to do this, Echo. Most importantly, you are strong enough to do this without bitterness.</p><p></p><p>You are strong enough to do this Echo, without bitterness or anger. </p><p></p><p>You cannot control one thing this son you love so much does or does not do. His life is on his timetable, now. But you can interact with him as necessary without growing bitter, without growing of a thick, horny shell for protection, without need of a place to hide.</p><p></p><p>It won't be easy Echo, but you can do that.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry, I know it's not enough, but given that this is the path your son chose...at least you do have us.</p><p></p><p>I am working so hard on trying to see things that way. That I am surviving the things my child chose against everything I did to create a different reality for him or her.</p><p></p><p>So, I am so glad to have this site. I think I am actually getting in touch with that anger I have been so careful not to see where my kids are concerned. It's horrifying how much of it there is. You need to keep your anger focused where it belongs too, Echo. It's in a mother's nature to take the brunt of the responsibility for what her child does. </p><p></p><p>We need to be so careful to make that line of separation, to acknowledge anger without falling prey to it. Nothing the kids are doing makes sense; none of their values look remotely like anything we taught them about life, or about themselves ~ or, about us.</p><p></p><p>But that doesn't mean we need to change to accommodate their values. You are right. Your son is wrong.</p><p></p><p>This is the hard time.</p><p></p><p>It will pass.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 619862, member: 17461"] Echo, Child and Recovering have given such great advice and support. I love this site. It doesn't feel much like it, I know, but by refusing his calls, you are engaging in the kinds of behaviors that will help your son see things more clearly. If you take his calls now, you are condoning years of betrayal to come, years of forgiveness "just this once" (more), and ultimately, total lack of respect for self or mom. You have to stay the course, Echo. That your son continues to call, that you refuse to take the calls, is the one honest piece of relationship left between you and your son. That, and that you confronted him at the restaurant where he was begging. I liked your courage in having done that so much that I told my husband about it. I wish I had known to approach the problem this way when my kids were young enough for it to matter. This is what that mom would do, Echolette, that mom I am always talking about. She would not even consider speaking to her son until he had met the rules she put in place for the sake of her son's own integrity. It is like when he was a little boy in time out. It would have been easier for you to have let him out, to have let the time out be over. You left him there for his sake. It is the same thing, here. Your son knows the minimum of what he needs to do to have relationship with you. In a way, his calling without having done that is a test, Echo. I wish I could know words to help you heal and make you so strong. These kids seem to want to wear us down for the pleasure of seeing us powerless. Eventually, we compromise, because we love them, and so desperately want them to be okay. You are strong enough to do this, Echo. Most importantly, you are strong enough to do this without bitterness. You are strong enough to do this Echo, without bitterness or anger. You cannot control one thing this son you love so much does or does not do. His life is on his timetable, now. But you can interact with him as necessary without growing bitter, without growing of a thick, horny shell for protection, without need of a place to hide. It won't be easy Echo, but you can do that. I am sorry, I know it's not enough, but given that this is the path your son chose...at least you do have us. I am working so hard on trying to see things that way. That I am surviving the things my child chose against everything I did to create a different reality for him or her. So, I am so glad to have this site. I think I am actually getting in touch with that anger I have been so careful not to see where my kids are concerned. It's horrifying how much of it there is. You need to keep your anger focused where it belongs too, Echo. It's in a mother's nature to take the brunt of the responsibility for what her child does. We need to be so careful to make that line of separation, to acknowledge anger without falling prey to it. Nothing the kids are doing makes sense; none of their values look remotely like anything we taught them about life, or about themselves ~ or, about us. But that doesn't mean we need to change to accommodate their values. You are right. Your son is wrong. This is the hard time. It will pass. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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