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And then I asked him to stop calling me.
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 619867" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Child, thank you for that image..that works for me..that is what I see all of us doing. And the image of having my face pressed against the wall, suffocating. Even in his absence I feel that. It is amazing, isn't it? I gave him so much control.</p><p></p><p>I am trying to make this about me now. My path to being more whole. My path towards letting go, of him, of me, of SO, of my other kids, of craving and of fear. I can see that he is a sticking place...a big one! My sister used to tell me that the path to greater intimacy (she was talking about relationships with her husband, but it is true of relationships with ourselves as well) is guarded by dragons...that passing through the gate to the next level is terrifying, dangerous, full of flames and roaring. I think that is true. I think that is where I am now. I think I will grow from this. </p><p></p><p></p><p> </p><p>Recovering, thank you for your often repeated lesson of this...Child, Cedar, you have said it too. It is true. difficult child likes his life (mostly) he is proud of his resourcefulness, proud of his lack of needs, proud of not taking from me. He was proud when he was living in one of the city parks in a tent. He has turned down my offer to buy him food more than once (although believe me he has often asked me for food, money, tickets (to rock concerts! what?) as well..this is not a pure stand he takes. But yes....like Recoverings daughter and brother, difficult child...likes his life better his way. I get that now (sometimes). On the other hand, sometimes he calls me with his voice breaking and says "mom, things haven't been going well" and then he tells me about all the lies he told me so I would think he was managing well...oh wait...which are the lies? I can never tell. But the fear and grief in his voice at those times is heartbreaking.</p><p></p><p>I guess I would do well to remember...fear and grief are part of life. My sweet protected teenage boys feel it, safe in my house. My independent college daughter feels it (mom I am so sad, Ryan broke up with me, I wish you were here...). I feel it. Maybe I react to proufoundly when he expresses it because it seems so....hopeless. Like he is confessing what I already knew...but..maybe it is just the same kind of grief, the parcel of life. It just seems more AWFUL coming from him. I haven't had that thought before...I am going to try to hang on to it. </p><p></p><p>Like your brother, Recovering, I do think he feels better "out there" than he does at my house (ha! I didn't call it home!). Part of my work is to understand and really feel that that is so, and that honestly, that is probably forever. It has been 2 1/2 years now. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p> Right. I may print that and post it on my wall today. That is my work now. It will help me with the anger, and, I hope, also the despair. It will help me to let go. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p> </p><p>Cedar, thank you for that validation. That is so correct, so true...and such a startling thought to me!!! I always drift towards seeing difficult child as clueless, sad and wounded and confused when I turn away. I feel tears well up even as I type that...I so don't want him to feel sad and wounded...but you are right!!! Of COURSE he knows the minimum of what he needs to do! and that doesn't include daily hang up calls. </p><p></p><p></p><p> </p><p>Yes, that is what we are all trying to do. Survive that reality. Not drown in grief or fear or anger or whatever our emotional modality is (all of them, probably). Not lose our own sweet days in obsessing and perseverating and trying to manage and control. Finding joy, finding peace, preserving love--for difficult child and for all the innocent others around. </p><p></p><p>Child, Recovering, Cedar....my kind sisters on this awful journey. I can see you putting your thoughts out there , thinking as you write "maybe this way of saying it will land? maybe this phrase will sooth her, help her see a new way, make her feel better" I can see you reflecting on your own lives, and sharing with such generosity, so I never feel like the pitiful "oh poor Echo" loser, but a woman in the company of other seekers. I love other seekers. </p><p></p><p>Echo.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 619867, member: 17269"] Child, thank you for that image..that works for me..that is what I see all of us doing. And the image of having my face pressed against the wall, suffocating. Even in his absence I feel that. It is amazing, isn't it? I gave him so much control. I am trying to make this about me now. My path to being more whole. My path towards letting go, of him, of me, of SO, of my other kids, of craving and of fear. I can see that he is a sticking place...a big one! My sister used to tell me that the path to greater intimacy (she was talking about relationships with her husband, but it is true of relationships with ourselves as well) is guarded by dragons...that passing through the gate to the next level is terrifying, dangerous, full of flames and roaring. I think that is true. I think that is where I am now. I think I will grow from this. Recovering, thank you for your often repeated lesson of this...Child, Cedar, you have said it too. It is true. difficult child likes his life (mostly) he is proud of his resourcefulness, proud of his lack of needs, proud of not taking from me. He was proud when he was living in one of the city parks in a tent. He has turned down my offer to buy him food more than once (although believe me he has often asked me for food, money, tickets (to rock concerts! what?) as well..this is not a pure stand he takes. But yes....like Recoverings daughter and brother, difficult child...likes his life better his way. I get that now (sometimes). On the other hand, sometimes he calls me with his voice breaking and says "mom, things haven't been going well" and then he tells me about all the lies he told me so I would think he was managing well...oh wait...which are the lies? I can never tell. But the fear and grief in his voice at those times is heartbreaking. I guess I would do well to remember...fear and grief are part of life. My sweet protected teenage boys feel it, safe in my house. My independent college daughter feels it (mom I am so sad, Ryan broke up with me, I wish you were here...). I feel it. Maybe I react to proufoundly when he expresses it because it seems so....hopeless. Like he is confessing what I already knew...but..maybe it is just the same kind of grief, the parcel of life. It just seems more AWFUL coming from him. I haven't had that thought before...I am going to try to hang on to it. Like your brother, Recovering, I do think he feels better "out there" than he does at my house (ha! I didn't call it home!). Part of my work is to understand and really feel that that is so, and that honestly, that is probably forever. It has been 2 1/2 years now. Right. I may print that and post it on my wall today. That is my work now. It will help me with the anger, and, I hope, also the despair. It will help me to let go. Cedar, thank you for that validation. That is so correct, so true...and such a startling thought to me!!! I always drift towards seeing difficult child as clueless, sad and wounded and confused when I turn away. I feel tears well up even as I type that...I so don't want him to feel sad and wounded...but you are right!!! Of COURSE he knows the minimum of what he needs to do! and that doesn't include daily hang up calls. Yes, that is what we are all trying to do. Survive that reality. Not drown in grief or fear or anger or whatever our emotional modality is (all of them, probably). Not lose our own sweet days in obsessing and perseverating and trying to manage and control. Finding joy, finding peace, preserving love--for difficult child and for all the innocent others around. Child, Recovering, Cedar....my kind sisters on this awful journey. I can see you putting your thoughts out there , thinking as you write "maybe this way of saying it will land? maybe this phrase will sooth her, help her see a new way, make her feel better" I can see you reflecting on your own lives, and sharing with such generosity, so I never feel like the pitiful "oh poor Echo" loser, but a woman in the company of other seekers. I love other seekers. Echo. [/QUOTE]
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