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angry 21 yr old stealing frm disabled father
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 638225" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there.</p><p></p><p>It's too bad this man has such an amoral son, but there isn't anything you can do to stop it. The players here are the son and the father and if the father allows this sort of abuse in his life, then there is little that will change. He needs to get a restraining order to keep his son away from him and out of his house and to press charges for assault, if that goes on, and stealing. He needs a good lawyer. If he can't afford one, he at least needs to talk to the police as soon as his son violates him by any illegal activity.</p><p></p><p>Having said that, some people refuse to do that to a grown child because it's their child. It's not smart, in my opinion, but it's out of your hands. The only person who can decide to detach from this young man is the boyfriend. If you go to Parent Emeritus you will read many stories like your boyfriends and what we have done and are doing. Putting up with it is not something most of us are willing to do and the majority of us are working on detachment from our wayward adult children. Many are no longer welcome in our house and if we see them it is elsewhere, in public. Most no longer live with us or get much from us, if anything. A few have no contact with their adult children at all. Many of the adult children are criminals, non-working, drug abusing and dangerous. Some are in jail or prison.</p><p></p><p>You can show your boyfriend our stories, but if he doesn't want to lose contact with his abusive son, he won't do it. There are many people who put up with this forever and think they have to or should because it's their child. And t hese grown Peter Pans love to pour on the guilt andk know just what to say and the parent has to learn that their bad choices (the adult childs) are the child's fault alone...they are over eighteen, some are over thirty or forty. Time to cut the umbilical cord and let the adult be the man that he is wtihout our help. Whatever happened when this adult child was six or ten or fourteen no longer matters. He learned right from wrong and is choosing to disregard what he learned and his father is allowing it. The behavior is on the adult child. Allowing it is 100% on the boyfriend. He can stop it.</p><p></p><p>This is how you will find that most of us feel and it usually was a long time coming, but one can only take so much.</p><p></p><p>However, if your boyfriend is not going to do it, he may be eighty one day an d still be getting abused and stolen from by his sixty year old "child." The ball is 100% in your boyfriend's court. You, I and everyone who walks on earth can only change one person...ourselves. We have 0% control over what another does. We can talk to them, but we can't control their choices. You can change your reaction to the entire scenario, but you can't change this boyfriend or his son.</p><p></p><p>If your boyfriend refuses to do anything good for himself and enables his son who abuses him, you may want to decide that this relationship is not for you. You can't rescue the man. He will probably be very angry at you if YOU call the police and I'm not sure anything would be done...I think the man himself must press charges. Do not try to hang in there to be his White Knight. That won't work and YOU will likely be hurt in the end. The only one who can save him is himself.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, some family dynamics are toxic and even dangerous and it is not easy to turn your own adult child into the police. Sometimes it is necessary to do so for peace of mind and physical/emotional safety. Your boyfriend is a grown man too. He will decide what he has to do. And it may not be what you want him to do. Far as any of us know, there are no magic words or special way to make ANYONE do what they don't want to do.</p><p></p><p>So sorry and you are free to keep posting. You will get a bigger response if you post on Parent Emeritus because General is for under 18. Parent Emeritus is for over 18.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 638225, member: 1550"] Hi there. It's too bad this man has such an amoral son, but there isn't anything you can do to stop it. The players here are the son and the father and if the father allows this sort of abuse in his life, then there is little that will change. He needs to get a restraining order to keep his son away from him and out of his house and to press charges for assault, if that goes on, and stealing. He needs a good lawyer. If he can't afford one, he at least needs to talk to the police as soon as his son violates him by any illegal activity. Having said that, some people refuse to do that to a grown child because it's their child. It's not smart, in my opinion, but it's out of your hands. The only person who can decide to detach from this young man is the boyfriend. If you go to Parent Emeritus you will read many stories like your boyfriends and what we have done and are doing. Putting up with it is not something most of us are willing to do and the majority of us are working on detachment from our wayward adult children. Many are no longer welcome in our house and if we see them it is elsewhere, in public. Most no longer live with us or get much from us, if anything. A few have no contact with their adult children at all. Many of the adult children are criminals, non-working, drug abusing and dangerous. Some are in jail or prison. You can show your boyfriend our stories, but if he doesn't want to lose contact with his abusive son, he won't do it. There are many people who put up with this forever and think they have to or should because it's their child. And t hese grown Peter Pans love to pour on the guilt andk know just what to say and the parent has to learn that their bad choices (the adult childs) are the child's fault alone...they are over eighteen, some are over thirty or forty. Time to cut the umbilical cord and let the adult be the man that he is wtihout our help. Whatever happened when this adult child was six or ten or fourteen no longer matters. He learned right from wrong and is choosing to disregard what he learned and his father is allowing it. The behavior is on the adult child. Allowing it is 100% on the boyfriend. He can stop it. This is how you will find that most of us feel and it usually was a long time coming, but one can only take so much. However, if your boyfriend is not going to do it, he may be eighty one day an d still be getting abused and stolen from by his sixty year old "child." The ball is 100% in your boyfriend's court. You, I and everyone who walks on earth can only change one person...ourselves. We have 0% control over what another does. We can talk to them, but we can't control their choices. You can change your reaction to the entire scenario, but you can't change this boyfriend or his son. If your boyfriend refuses to do anything good for himself and enables his son who abuses him, you may want to decide that this relationship is not for you. You can't rescue the man. He will probably be very angry at you if YOU call the police and I'm not sure anything would be done...I think the man himself must press charges. Do not try to hang in there to be his White Knight. That won't work and YOU will likely be hurt in the end. The only one who can save him is himself. Unfortunately, some family dynamics are toxic and even dangerous and it is not easy to turn your own adult child into the police. Sometimes it is necessary to do so for peace of mind and physical/emotional safety. Your boyfriend is a grown man too. He will decide what he has to do. And it may not be what you want him to do. Far as any of us know, there are no magic words or special way to make ANYONE do what they don't want to do. So sorry and you are free to keep posting. You will get a bigger response if you post on Parent Emeritus because General is for under 18. Parent Emeritus is for over 18. [/QUOTE]
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