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Angry adolescent easy child's with older difficult child sibs
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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 278250" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>This could have been my story 25 years ago. Excepting that L was an infant at the time and it dragged out until she was 7. And the ex accused me of far worse, and he <em>did</em> get custody. He never did ask for child support, though. I think he knew it would give me the upper hand. He is a self-employed attorney, so I provided health insurance through my work, which was a big chunk of change to him. It was <em>my </em>idea and he was definitely comfortable with it. L also got a portion of disability from social security when I had to quit working.</p><p></p><p>The most difficult part of your story is that your daughter's wishes at her age are going to be given a lot of weight in court. Unless he is physically abusing her in some way, if she wants to go there and he wants to have her, they will probably let her go there. </p><p></p><p>From my experiences, I have to wonder if your husband is doing most of this just to make you squirm? If he's a sadistic b*****d like mine was, he may stop if you give him what he is asking for - under the limits of the law, that is. With L's dad, he got custody right away. Being a married attorney whose wife knew the judge compared to an $8 an hour store clerk greased the skids there. But he and particularly his late ex-wife would force things back into court every 6 - 12 months. I spent a long time not getting therapy because I <em>knew</em> these things weren't my fault. And they weren't. But about the time L was 3.5, and they accused me of molesting her, I knew that I wasn't strong enough to handle it anymore. I was ready to give up on L as they wanted, and pressured not to from my family. So I got weekly therapy and medication.</p><p></p><p>It took about 3.5 more years, but when L was around 7 I finally figured out that he was poking me with a stick and I was reacting, and he liked to see me squirm. He had left his ex-wife around then, and she was a <em>big</em> contributor to the hate. I had him over to the house and I told him if he <em>ever</em> brought me to court again I wouldn't respond, and I would never see L again. He was no fool. At the very least, he had a built in babysitter every other weekend and he could entertain his girlfriend du jour as he pleased without a very unhappy 7 year old throwing tantrums around the house, beating up the girlfriends' kids. He never pulled anything on me again.</p><p></p><p>I'm sure your ex is totally a jerk. And it is unconscionable the way he has used your children to batter and malign you. With easy child being 13, he may have won that battle. I hope that you will find a way to not let him win the war with your happiness forever. I hope that you will contact your own attorney and ask him/her if she thinks he will get your daughter at this point, and what your financial obligations would be if he does. If so, it may be time to think about how to get on with your life so you can not only be your own person but also be better prepared for your easy child when she decides that her dad really <em>is</em> a jerk, after all. Attorney fees are way more expensive than child support, and child support will be based upon your income. How much is $50 - 100 a month child support worth to him in the attorney fees it would take to get it? Maybe if he realizes you aren't going to fight with him or be frightened of his winning anymore, he will stop picking on you. </p><p></p><p>It seems inevitable that there will be some life-changing moments for you coming very soon. You should be the one in the driver's seat. Look up the child support matrix in your state and see what he's entitled to if she goes to live with him. They won't order more than you fit into on the scale. You won't have to go to three jobs to fill an unreasonable amount because that's what he wants. He doesn't <em>need</em> a dime. Educate yourself about what your rights as her mom are and get some help for your battered spirit. No one can live a happy life with a man like that dancing them on a string.</p><p></p><p>Big hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 278250, member: 99"] This could have been my story 25 years ago. Excepting that L was an infant at the time and it dragged out until she was 7. And the ex accused me of far worse, and he [I]did[/I] get custody. He never did ask for child support, though. I think he knew it would give me the upper hand. He is a self-employed attorney, so I provided health insurance through my work, which was a big chunk of change to him. It was [I]my [/I]idea and he was definitely comfortable with it. L also got a portion of disability from social security when I had to quit working. The most difficult part of your story is that your daughter's wishes at her age are going to be given a lot of weight in court. Unless he is physically abusing her in some way, if she wants to go there and he wants to have her, they will probably let her go there. From my experiences, I have to wonder if your husband is doing most of this just to make you squirm? If he's a sadistic b*****d like mine was, he may stop if you give him what he is asking for - under the limits of the law, that is. With L's dad, he got custody right away. Being a married attorney whose wife knew the judge compared to an $8 an hour store clerk greased the skids there. But he and particularly his late ex-wife would force things back into court every 6 - 12 months. I spent a long time not getting therapy because I [I]knew[/I] these things weren't my fault. And they weren't. But about the time L was 3.5, and they accused me of molesting her, I knew that I wasn't strong enough to handle it anymore. I was ready to give up on L as they wanted, and pressured not to from my family. So I got weekly therapy and medication. It took about 3.5 more years, but when L was around 7 I finally figured out that he was poking me with a stick and I was reacting, and he liked to see me squirm. He had left his ex-wife around then, and she was a [I]big[/I] contributor to the hate. I had him over to the house and I told him if he [I]ever[/I] brought me to court again I wouldn't respond, and I would never see L again. He was no fool. At the very least, he had a built in babysitter every other weekend and he could entertain his girlfriend du jour as he pleased without a very unhappy 7 year old throwing tantrums around the house, beating up the girlfriends' kids. He never pulled anything on me again. I'm sure your ex is totally a jerk. And it is unconscionable the way he has used your children to batter and malign you. With easy child being 13, he may have won that battle. I hope that you will find a way to not let him win the war with your happiness forever. I hope that you will contact your own attorney and ask him/her if she thinks he will get your daughter at this point, and what your financial obligations would be if he does. If so, it may be time to think about how to get on with your life so you can not only be your own person but also be better prepared for your easy child when she decides that her dad really [I]is[/I] a jerk, after all. Attorney fees are way more expensive than child support, and child support will be based upon your income. How much is $50 - 100 a month child support worth to him in the attorney fees it would take to get it? Maybe if he realizes you aren't going to fight with him or be frightened of his winning anymore, he will stop picking on you. It seems inevitable that there will be some life-changing moments for you coming very soon. You should be the one in the driver's seat. Look up the child support matrix in your state and see what he's entitled to if she goes to live with him. They won't order more than you fit into on the scale. You won't have to go to three jobs to fill an unreasonable amount because that's what he wants. He doesn't [I]need[/I] a dime. Educate yourself about what your rights as her mom are and get some help for your battered spirit. No one can live a happy life with a man like that dancing them on a string. Big hugs. [/QUOTE]
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