Angry at Setback

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by RN0441, Jun 14, 2017.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son has been in sober living for 2 weeks and everyone there says he's doing fantastic.

    Until yesterday.

    He failed his pee test with THC levels that had spiked. He swears he did NOT get high, smoke etc. They aren't buying it. His THC levels had continued to go down since treatment and the spike is a dead giveaway to them.

    He talked to his father about it. My husband said he wants to give him the benefit of the doubt - he's so convincing - and I said "he's lying". I blocked son on my phone (they are letting him keep it since he has been offered a job and is waiting for background check and it's an old phone) and told him to lose my number until he's ready to get serious about changing his life.

    He has a sponsor, goes to meetings etc. and is totally compliant with program. This is the first time he has done this well without having attitude.

    Last night he called husband and naturally I had to speak up. He swore on his life, our life, brothers life, dogs life that he did not do anything. Working out and maybe that's it?? He said he has been doing so good and sober 64 days and why would he do that knowing he's tested???

    I told him he's a liar and a stranger and that I doubted he would ever live a normal life. I told him that I am not letting him kill me with all this stress. He said he doesn't want to and it's a shame that I feel that way. HUH?? I told him all he cares about is himself. He said he only lies when he uses.

    I'd feel better if he just told the truth even if he did do it. He said he is being punished anyway by moving back to higher level of treatment for a week.

    Yes I was mean. Real mean. Many people that know me have said I'm one of the nicest people they know. Do I regret it? Not really.
  2. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Soo sorry, it just never ends!
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It's not like they have never been mean to us. We are not Saints, You called it as you saw it. I doubt that you were wrong.
  4. sooverit

    sooverit New Member

    That is brutal. I am so sorry. The worst thing they can do is lie. Instead of saying "you know what, yes I slipped, but I am back on the wagon" they go straight to the lie. I used to tell my kids all the time, and still do, that taking any kind of drug makes you an instant lier. You lie to hide it, you lie to get it, you lie when you are embarrassed you took it. I don't think you did anything wrong by saying what you did and your son will never know how hard that probably was for you to say.
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  5. I really think you are brave and love your son very much. Otherwise you would not be doing what you are doing. We all have issues that our children got hooked on substances that are no good for young people's lives...
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I think when you are angry it gives you more strength.

    We do love our son very much, as all of us here do too. He has never been mean or violent even when using. Just disrespectful to our home and to us. No name calling or anything like that which would enable me to feel hateful towards him.

    We really don't know where to go from here with him and all of this. I do not believe I will talk to him again unless he tells me the real truth about this latest episode. I cannot deal with someone that is not being truthful.

    I'm trying to find a way to be loving and supportive since he is in treatment but yet part of me knows he's there because he has no place else to go and then part of me is glad he is compliant until now and they have all raved about him (never happened before). I am really at a loss on how to think/feel.

    What's the point in even talking to him or ANYONE really if they are being deceitful?
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    RN, you are reacting naturally. My daughter was like your son in many ways while using. She did not get mean or violant. She did not blame us or her childhood. She even worked and went to school on cocaine and meth.

    On the school front, in technical college, her friends were so worried about her coke use that they got together and told the Dean of the school where she was taking coke A LOT while doing her Cosmetology class. He called us saying her friends were worried about her and came to him.

    I had thought she quit. I didnt see it. Color me naive or stupid. Of course she was confronted. She told me in tears that the girls were all jealous of her (she was beautiful and other girls WERE jealous of her). She swore she was clean. I believed her and called the Dean back telling him what I believed (can you imagine how foolish he found me?) So she graduated with A's in all her classes yet she was heavily using cocaine AND meth! She told me all this AFTER she quit. In other words she put on a great performance and lied to my face, complete with tears.

    After she quit she told me she lied all the time then said
    "Never trust a drug addict. They lie
    All.the,time." Her words.

    We so want to believe they quit.

    RN,ypur son is just acting like my daughter did..trying to make you think the test is wrong. Just like my daughter convinced me that a group of her peers went to the Dean out of spite, when in fact it had been so caring of them.

    She was found at the pill party in our home and told to leave shortly after and I feared that she would end up in jail or dead. But our higher functioning addicts are tough and they can get over this. I believe your son will eventually stop. You are not enabling him. He has it tough. He cant come home.those are motivators for change.

    Hang tough. All that rehab strung together is sticking in some way. He is better than before.

    I get and know how angering the lying is though. Keep being good to yourself. Its ok that Son knows how you doesnt hurt for them to hear how hard this is for YOU

    Keep up the great work!
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2017
  8. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I am sorry. You have tried so so hard and for so long. Loving someone that brings us so much pain is a difficult journey. I think 'stepping back' is the right way forward - after all, you have done everything else possible. xx
  9. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    RN, The lies are hard to swallow. They are telling us what we desperately want to hear, so it means at some level they know what the right thing is. When my son started this 'lifestyle' around 12 or 13, he never lied. It's almost like he was trying to shove it down our throats, prove to us that this was a legitimate way to embark upon adulthood. As the years rolled on and the incidents and consequences piled up, he learned to lie. Now he lies when the truth would suit him better. My thoughts are with you and as we usually say around here - do something nice for you today! I don't always take that advice, but I should!
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Thank you all so much for your support. It means the world to me. I can see everyone else's situation so clearly except my own.

    He called his dad last night and my husband had phone on speaker. I did not speak at all as I was cleaning kitchen etc. His dad had told him not to call for a few days. He again reiterated that he did not do anything but he knows dad doesn't believe him. He is going back to sober living on Tuesday.

    I told my husband next time he calls to tell him that he is not coming there to visit him UNTIL he has a job. He has an offer but he's waiting on background check (at Fresh Market). He has to work at a restaurant type of job if he doesn't get this. Husband thinking of going in July.

    My son is asking us to believe something that is not possible to believe. THC is not in the air and it doesn't just float into your body! I think he may have vaped the oil or something. He says he didn't smoke or get high but that's what I'm thinking. Not that it matters but I analyze everything.

    My husband is amazing. He said last night that it's just another bump in the road. It's a very bumpy road. Him saying that helps me so much. I feel like I walk around devastated all the time.

    Thank you for confirming that we are doing okay. We really don't know what we are doing.
  11. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

  12. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I understand the feeling of constant devastation! It just goes on and on and on. Glimmer of hope, devastation, positive vibes, devastation. It's almost like we have an 'altered state' of our own now! At least in America it sounds like there are places for people to go for help which at least give some respite for you where someone else is 'looking after them'. Keep doing what you do, your a great mum! xxx
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  13. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    The only way to get enough THC into your system to fail a drug test is to be in a confined area with a LOT of smoke, such as an enclosed area with a lot of people smoking at once.

    When husband was stationed in TN in the early 80s, we got stuck in traffic next to a marijuana field the police were burning off, we actually caught a substantial buzz.

    husband went to his 1st Sgt later that day (when he came down) and told him what had happened as he was worried about a pee test. 1st Sgt told him command was already aware of the issue as they could smell it all over the cantonment area.

    You can't accidentally vape THC, and vaping actual herb requires a special apparatus very different from the regular "tank" used to vape e-liquid or "juice". There is also an apparatus for vaping wax, shatter, or oil. (dabbing)

    Your son is feeding you a load of "organic fertilizer". Unless he happened to get caught in the middle of a burnoff, of course.

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  14. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

  15. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Hugs ....

    I think for me the lies are the worst. It makes me feel like a fool.

    You are so strong and this will be why your son will be ok. I do believe that.
  16. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would say there is a 99.9% probability that he was caught using. However, I do have to tell you a story. When my daughter was in her last sober living, she called me crying that they told her that she had tested positive for suboxone and that she hadn't used anything. I just assumed she was lying just like all of the other times she was using and swore she wasn't and told her she had to deal with the consequences and hung up on her.

    To my utter shock, I got another call 15 minutes later from the director of the program who was calling to tell me that the initial results turned out to be false when they looked at the follow up lab testing. She said she was calling because my daughter was devastated that I thought she had let us down again and was really upset.

    So I guess false positives do happen once in a million times (I'm sure I am exaggerating here).

    Relapses are a very common part of recovery. However, the addicts I have come to know through my daughter that are serious about recovery own up to the relapse, get a white chip, and start over again. My daughter's roommate recently relapsed after a year of sobriety and went out drinking one night. The next day she regretted it, told my daughter and their sponsor (they share a common sponsor) and went to a meeting that night to get a white chip signifying that she slipped and was starting over. My daughter said it is very hard to have to do that in front of others.

    What is the program doing about it?

    Last edited: Jun 17, 2017
  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Thanks for being optimistic but I am feeling pessimistic. I sound strong but I am struggling with all of this terribly. Especially yesterday for Father's Day. Family is so important to me yet my son is 1500 miles away and I'm thankful. I feel like I'm living a sort of nightmare that never goes away.


    They put him back into higher care for a week. He goes back to sober living tomorrow. My husband SO wanted to believe him. He said it was due to working out blah blah but I didn't buy it and what really sold me is when his therapist said that his THC levels have been going down weekly and then a spike suddenly. He has been working out for some time so it's not like he just started working out. He had told his dad it must be due to working out; he probably googled that.....

    Now my question to you all is that I told my son to lose my number until he is ready to change his life for good. I am beyond pissed at his weed use at this point even though in my heart I feel he isn't ready to do this but if not now then when?? I told him that he is wasting everyone's efforts here. He has been talking to his dad. He told his dad yesterday (when he called to wish him Happy Father's Day and asked what we were doing) to tell mom that I love her and mentioned that he knows my birthday is coming up. (Incidentally he is the most thoughtful of our three boys).

    I just can't engage with him right now knowing he's being deceitful. I won't accept it. I cannot accept it. He is a young man and this behavior is not something I can be okay with. I know he knows I love him but is this okay or do I need to be more supportive or is this not being supportive? I'm so confused.
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have one child who sometimes smokes pot. Not always but sometimes.I never bring it up because I dont care. This chiild does life well, is motivated, doesnt act lazy and doesnt move on to other drugs. Honestly, I dont even think about it.

    It is going to be legal soon. How is it worse than drinking alcohol sometimes?

    Having said that, i know some people cant smoke pot responsibly. It often goes in tandem with other drugs. And for some...extreme laziness. You know which category your son is in.

    You have to do what feels right for you. Its not a black and white situation.

    You are doing great.
  19. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    SWOT, I agree with you that occasional pot use doesn't hurt most people anymore than an occasional drink. However, I don't that that substance abusers can use it recreationally. It seems like it would have the same effect as drinking does causing the addict/user to lower their inhibitions against using the drug of their choice.
    A common saying in AA is that the drug of choice lies in the bottom of the glass. It seems like it would also be at the end of a joint.

    I know that not even everyone in AA agrees with me on that. My daughter said that some of the people in her groups still smoke pot and believe they can handle it. I personally think that they are fooling themselves. My daughter has given up any and all mind altering substances. She won't even use nitrous oxide at the dentist.
    She said she knows what a slippery slope it is for her.
  20. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    RN, I just realized I didn't answer your question. It is perfectly fine to tell your son that you need a break. You could tell him that you need a week, a month, etc where you have no contact. I would be sure to tell him that you love him but that his actions are having a negative effect on your health and mental well being.

    I think that you are still very much in the anger stage. I was in that stage for 10 years! LOL It took two years of therapy for me to get to the point of what they call radical acceptance. That is where you realize that there is nothing you can do to change the situation (your son's drug use) and let it go. It's where you are able to practice loving detachment. You can keep in contact with your son with firm boundaries and have a loving relationship without trying to fix his problems.

    It is not easy to get there and like I said it took me 10 years. Ironically, when I finally did reach that stage, my daughter decided to change her life.

    But if I found out tomorrow that she was using again, while I would be sad, it wouldn't really change my life.

    You have a right to be angry and hurt but ultimately those are your son's choices to make . . . not yours . . . so staying angry and hurt are only hurting you.

    I hope that makes sense.