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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 696328" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Sisters Keeper, I already said that if you feel you have to do it, you will. I dont disagree that some people are toxic. And since we are all different, we deal with toxic people in ways that are comfortable to ourselves.</p><p></p><p>That does not change the fact that while some toxic people are dangerous, such as child molesters, most just say things we don't like and many are mentally ill. We can leave them in the dust, which will hurt them, or we can keep up contact. It doesnt mean spending days together. I am against shunning people to the point we ask like they no longer exist, but I dont expect everyone to think like me.</p><p></p><p>In estrangements, usually the entire family is impacted and sides are taken. Again, I have studied estrangement extensively. I feel the estranger often becomes the toxic person due to this. Also, it is a fact that estrangement tends to become common in certain families....if people look in their family backgrounds estrangers usually see other estrangement in their family and their own kids are at much higher risk to do the same to them. Even if we were good parents or think we were. (I think we all think we are).</p><p></p><p>I personally choose not to set this example for my family. My one estranged child was unusual that he came to our country and family at age six and had many identity issues and, of course, his backgound included the very hurtful experience of being given up for adoption. That is a type of estrangement in of itself. Andhe made no bones about feeling unwanted thst nobody adopted him for six years and having trouble bonding with adults.</p><p></p><p>Sisters Keeper, you did a brave and noble thing, taking in your sisters children. The outcome of how the kids will ultimately respond to having a mother who chose drugs over them can not play out yet. Your kids are too young to guess. I did not see it coming with my son. We got along well.</p><p></p><p>None of my beloved children who came to me as babies are estranged. In fact we are very close. Usually I hear from all of them every other day. I tried hard to not show them estrangement. I dont see it as a good example. And now that my dad is 92 I am so glad I never said,"You are disowned. You are toxic."</p><p></p><p>I will have no regrets. I kept him far enough away that his toxicity did not affect mr or anyone else I love. I feel anyone can keep a distance without total estrangement. BUT we sll have to do what we feel is best. If you feel that there are toxic people that you cant talk to at all ever again, that is your decision. The same answers that may apply to you or me dont apply to everyone else. We are different in our thinking and approaches and that is okay.</p><p></p><p>One thing I would not do.is forgive and forget sexual abuse, a family.member who tried to hurt or kill me or steal all I have. I do need to protect me and my kids from danger.</p><p></p><p>Those reasons are the only things that would make me estrange somebody. Words, no. Detach, yes. Estrange, no. it simply hurts too much and I know how it feels and know estrangement affects more than just me, if i make that choice...which I won't.</p><p></p><p>Sisters Keeper, I am okay with anything you want to do in your life. I just would not do the same. And thats okay. And my decisions are also okay and my feeling about estrangement in my life is unshakable. As I am sure your are with you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 696328, member: 1550"] Sisters Keeper, I already said that if you feel you have to do it, you will. I dont disagree that some people are toxic. And since we are all different, we deal with toxic people in ways that are comfortable to ourselves. That does not change the fact that while some toxic people are dangerous, such as child molesters, most just say things we don't like and many are mentally ill. We can leave them in the dust, which will hurt them, or we can keep up contact. It doesnt mean spending days together. I am against shunning people to the point we ask like they no longer exist, but I dont expect everyone to think like me. In estrangements, usually the entire family is impacted and sides are taken. Again, I have studied estrangement extensively. I feel the estranger often becomes the toxic person due to this. Also, it is a fact that estrangement tends to become common in certain families....if people look in their family backgrounds estrangers usually see other estrangement in their family and their own kids are at much higher risk to do the same to them. Even if we were good parents or think we were. (I think we all think we are). I personally choose not to set this example for my family. My one estranged child was unusual that he came to our country and family at age six and had many identity issues and, of course, his backgound included the very hurtful experience of being given up for adoption. That is a type of estrangement in of itself. Andhe made no bones about feeling unwanted thst nobody adopted him for six years and having trouble bonding with adults. Sisters Keeper, you did a brave and noble thing, taking in your sisters children. The outcome of how the kids will ultimately respond to having a mother who chose drugs over them can not play out yet. Your kids are too young to guess. I did not see it coming with my son. We got along well. None of my beloved children who came to me as babies are estranged. In fact we are very close. Usually I hear from all of them every other day. I tried hard to not show them estrangement. I dont see it as a good example. And now that my dad is 92 I am so glad I never said,"You are disowned. You are toxic." I will have no regrets. I kept him far enough away that his toxicity did not affect mr or anyone else I love. I feel anyone can keep a distance without total estrangement. BUT we sll have to do what we feel is best. If you feel that there are toxic people that you cant talk to at all ever again, that is your decision. The same answers that may apply to you or me dont apply to everyone else. We are different in our thinking and approaches and that is okay. One thing I would not do.is forgive and forget sexual abuse, a family.member who tried to hurt or kill me or steal all I have. I do need to protect me and my kids from danger. Those reasons are the only things that would make me estrange somebody. Words, no. Detach, yes. Estrange, no. it simply hurts too much and I know how it feels and know estrangement affects more than just me, if i make that choice...which I won't. Sisters Keeper, I am okay with anything you want to do in your life. I just would not do the same. And thats okay. And my decisions are also okay and my feeling about estrangement in my life is unshakable. As I am sure your are with you. [/QUOTE]
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