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Another lock / If he only had a brain/vent
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 128043" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>His biofather is a sociopath. So that is strike one. </p><p></p><p>However - the fact that genetically he's 1/2 me - and I'm basically as normal as the next person (DO NOT LAUGH) gives him less than 1/2 a chance of being affected. </p><p></p><p>The fact that since we KNEW about bio dad and got difficult child into counseling at an early age has helped tremendously. Dude to this day won't give any credit to being in any Residential Treatment Center (RTC) as a help - he just "matured" and it happened to him. He won't take medications - refused an offer last night. He swears that it's not everything else - it's that he has such a horrible temper is what the problem is. </p><p></p><p>Last night after therapy - he didn't want to get out of the car. He needed to vent. He did for a solid 1/2 hr. He told me what it is like to live in his body every day. He said he takes no stock in any diagnosis he's been given like ADHD as he doesn't like labels. </p><p></p><p>I told him to describe a day in his body and he said: </p><p></p><p>I wake up, and sometimes I just wake up po'd at the world. I mean I didn't have a bad nights sleep, no one bothered me in the morning - I just wake up and there I am angry again. Then I get ready for school, and as I head outside there may be someone walking past me with his shoes laced up and I see them and I don't like the way he laces up his shoes and THAT makes me more angry, and then I get into school, and I'm still thinking that I woke up po'd and then I saw that guys shoes and as I enter the classroom I notice that everyone has a new pencil and I'm writing with a short, nub and it has no eraser, and that makes me even more angry and I sit there - and I'm angry and I can't hear the teacher, i can't think about the paper on my desk because I'm thinking about waking up angry, that guys shoe laces, my stupid short nubby pencil and then the teacher interrupts me - and now the class is laughing at me and that adds to my anger and i have NO idea why she interrupted me - I just know now kids are laughing at me and then I leave school and in the car on the way home - I think ARGH IF I can't listen to some very really loud music with a deep bass I'm going to break something I feel at this point the music makes me calm, but I can't turn the radio up, and I start thinking about how I can break something or tear something up and at that point mom is usually when you say "What is wrong do you want to talk? " and it's not that I don't think you care it's just that I'm thinking about all this other stuff and you ask, and I don't reply and you ask again - and I think to myself </p><p>"I WISH SHE"D LEAVE ME THE H ALONE." and so we get home - and I have nothing to tear up, nothing to take apart because taking apart stuff calms me down....and so I go for a walk - and throw rocks, because screaming into a pillow and beating the heck out of your bed does not work - it's stupid. And when I go for a walk - I think - WHY WHY DUDE - WHAT is wrong with you? Why did you wake up angry? Why do you even care what the shoe laces looked like on that man? SO you had a short pencil and everyone had a long one - Dang man - that's stupid.....and why did I bite my Moms head off - she just asked how I was - she cares - and then I feel like a HUGE @hole - and then I sit and sometimes - I just talk it out with myself and then othertimes it's like my brain says "Nope you aren't done being angry yet." and I just don't know what I have to be angry about - I have 2 great parents, I have a nice house, I'm finally in a school now where I am not wasting my time and paying attention - and I just can't get over the anger Momma - HOW do I - I'm always so angry I think I was BORN angry ? (to which I said he was an absolute joy and NOT angry - fussy about his stomach but a joy to have and a happy toddler ) </p><p></p><p>Then he said that EMDR and therapy arent' going to work for him - and I said "Well what do you think will?" and he said "I don't know - I really don't know maybe getting older? but I know I'm sick of being like this - I feel like I've been angry forever." I just want a normal life I wanted friends, I want to hang out with kids - go to the mall, and have sleepovers and go skating and stuff WITH kids my age - and have friends that aren't daring me into stupid stuff - and now I'm 17, no education, no job, I'm probably going back to prison for life - and momma I just won't tell you I won't make it there and you can make that what you want it to be (I assume suicide) and I know you and Poppa are trying to help me and I just get so angry - What do you do when you get angry. I told him I sit quietly and pray or go for a walk in the woods. Then he said " I just feel like my life is gone, over - and it's wasted, and I cant' stop being angry - what is wrong with me?" </p><p></p><p>I asked him if I could think about it - and in true smartkid fashion he says "I suppose I'll be the topic of conversation with you on the Conduct Disorders Board tomorrow." (then he laughed) and went in the house, cleaned his room, made his bed, took his dirty laundry out to the washroom and got a note pad and paper and asked his dad what needed to be done tomorrow - work wise - so he could stay out of trouble. </p><p></p><p>So what now? I swear I feel like anything I think of is like a last ditch effort to help or grasping at straws, but he's NEVER told me how he feels or said he wouldn't wish his life or how he feels on anyone. </p><p></p><p>I'm really at a loss = I am going to print what he said out and take it to the psychiatric. Maybe he'll be in placement by then. He did confess to taking the stuff in the house - but he swears he has no idea why he does it and explained it like this: I HAVE TO STOP SNOOPING - it's killing my life. </p><p></p><p>Snooping leads to stealing, stealing leads to jail, jail doens't get me an education, no education or GED means no job, no job means I can't support myself, not supporting myself means I'm a bum on the street and (gets choked up) Momma I don't want to be a bum on the street - I really do try, it just seems so impossible for me. I wish more than anything I wasn't angry all the time. But I'm going to start NOW with not snooping - </p><p></p><p>I just felt so sorry for him and I rarely do that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 128043, member: 4964"] His biofather is a sociopath. So that is strike one. However - the fact that genetically he's 1/2 me - and I'm basically as normal as the next person (DO NOT LAUGH) gives him less than 1/2 a chance of being affected. The fact that since we KNEW about bio dad and got difficult child into counseling at an early age has helped tremendously. Dude to this day won't give any credit to being in any Residential Treatment Center (RTC) as a help - he just "matured" and it happened to him. He won't take medications - refused an offer last night. He swears that it's not everything else - it's that he has such a horrible temper is what the problem is. Last night after therapy - he didn't want to get out of the car. He needed to vent. He did for a solid 1/2 hr. He told me what it is like to live in his body every day. He said he takes no stock in any diagnosis he's been given like ADHD as he doesn't like labels. I told him to describe a day in his body and he said: I wake up, and sometimes I just wake up po'd at the world. I mean I didn't have a bad nights sleep, no one bothered me in the morning - I just wake up and there I am angry again. Then I get ready for school, and as I head outside there may be someone walking past me with his shoes laced up and I see them and I don't like the way he laces up his shoes and THAT makes me more angry, and then I get into school, and I'm still thinking that I woke up po'd and then I saw that guys shoes and as I enter the classroom I notice that everyone has a new pencil and I'm writing with a short, nub and it has no eraser, and that makes me even more angry and I sit there - and I'm angry and I can't hear the teacher, i can't think about the paper on my desk because I'm thinking about waking up angry, that guys shoe laces, my stupid short nubby pencil and then the teacher interrupts me - and now the class is laughing at me and that adds to my anger and i have NO idea why she interrupted me - I just know now kids are laughing at me and then I leave school and in the car on the way home - I think ARGH IF I can't listen to some very really loud music with a deep bass I'm going to break something I feel at this point the music makes me calm, but I can't turn the radio up, and I start thinking about how I can break something or tear something up and at that point mom is usually when you say "What is wrong do you want to talk? " and it's not that I don't think you care it's just that I'm thinking about all this other stuff and you ask, and I don't reply and you ask again - and I think to myself "I WISH SHE"D LEAVE ME THE H ALONE." and so we get home - and I have nothing to tear up, nothing to take apart because taking apart stuff calms me down....and so I go for a walk - and throw rocks, because screaming into a pillow and beating the heck out of your bed does not work - it's stupid. And when I go for a walk - I think - WHY WHY DUDE - WHAT is wrong with you? Why did you wake up angry? Why do you even care what the shoe laces looked like on that man? SO you had a short pencil and everyone had a long one - Dang man - that's stupid.....and why did I bite my Moms head off - she just asked how I was - she cares - and then I feel like a HUGE @hole - and then I sit and sometimes - I just talk it out with myself and then othertimes it's like my brain says "Nope you aren't done being angry yet." and I just don't know what I have to be angry about - I have 2 great parents, I have a nice house, I'm finally in a school now where I am not wasting my time and paying attention - and I just can't get over the anger Momma - HOW do I - I'm always so angry I think I was BORN angry ? (to which I said he was an absolute joy and NOT angry - fussy about his stomach but a joy to have and a happy toddler ) Then he said that EMDR and therapy arent' going to work for him - and I said "Well what do you think will?" and he said "I don't know - I really don't know maybe getting older? but I know I'm sick of being like this - I feel like I've been angry forever." I just want a normal life I wanted friends, I want to hang out with kids - go to the mall, and have sleepovers and go skating and stuff WITH kids my age - and have friends that aren't daring me into stupid stuff - and now I'm 17, no education, no job, I'm probably going back to prison for life - and momma I just won't tell you I won't make it there and you can make that what you want it to be (I assume suicide) and I know you and Poppa are trying to help me and I just get so angry - What do you do when you get angry. I told him I sit quietly and pray or go for a walk in the woods. Then he said " I just feel like my life is gone, over - and it's wasted, and I cant' stop being angry - what is wrong with me?" I asked him if I could think about it - and in true smartkid fashion he says "I suppose I'll be the topic of conversation with you on the Conduct Disorders Board tomorrow." (then he laughed) and went in the house, cleaned his room, made his bed, took his dirty laundry out to the washroom and got a note pad and paper and asked his dad what needed to be done tomorrow - work wise - so he could stay out of trouble. So what now? I swear I feel like anything I think of is like a last ditch effort to help or grasping at straws, but he's NEVER told me how he feels or said he wouldn't wish his life or how he feels on anyone. I'm really at a loss = I am going to print what he said out and take it to the psychiatric. Maybe he'll be in placement by then. He did confess to taking the stuff in the house - but he swears he has no idea why he does it and explained it like this: I HAVE TO STOP SNOOPING - it's killing my life. Snooping leads to stealing, stealing leads to jail, jail doens't get me an education, no education or GED means no job, no job means I can't support myself, not supporting myself means I'm a bum on the street and (gets choked up) Momma I don't want to be a bum on the street - I really do try, it just seems so impossible for me. I wish more than anything I wasn't angry all the time. But I'm going to start NOW with not snooping - I just felt so sorry for him and I rarely do that. [/QUOTE]
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