Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Another Vent! (I know...I'm sorry)
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 274752" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>Sorry that you're having to go through this DaisyFace. It's hard and heartbreaking when you feel you can't trust your children.</p><p></p><p>I'd like to offer you a different perspective on the matter, one I learned after going down the same road with my difficult child. He steals, and he lies. Constantly.</p><p></p><p>I've learned over the years to:</p><p></p><p>1) Never EVER ask the question "Why did you...?"</p><p></p><p>It's a mug's game. You won't get a straight answer. Often difficult children don't really know why they do this stuff, as it's tied in with impulsivity, poor executive function, bad deceision making, etc. Even if you DO get a straight answer, it doesn't help to remedy the situation, often gets everyone hot under the collar, and gets in the way of finding a solution.</p><p></p><p>2) Assume your kids are lying unless you can corroborate their story independently.</p><p></p><p>This has done wonders for my sanity with difficult child. I have told him that I assume every word out of his mouth is a lie unless I have independent proof. It means that when he IS lying, I have already started down the road of consequences. And if he's not lying, I'm pleasantly surprised. I'm not constantly facing the disappointment of not being able to trust him. I DO trust him. I trust that he WILL lie 999 times out of 1000.</p><p></p><p>As for difficult child feeling bad that I don't trust him, well, that's a natural consequence from all the years of lying. I may never get to the point where I believe what he has to say, or I may come around eventually, if he develops a track record of telling the truth over a long period of time. Regardless, he lost my trust, so he's the one who has to live with it.</p><p></p><p>3) Let consequences be as natural as possible.</p><p></p><p>Rather than punishing, wherever possible, try to let your kids own the responsibility for repairing the damage caused by their lying. Replace stolen objects or confiscate their allowance or part-time job money to pay for things. Return stolen objects to their source, with an apology. Face the consequences of stealing, even if there are legal ones. It's the only way they can own their behaviour.</p><p></p><p>Trinity</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 274752, member: 3907"] Sorry that you're having to go through this DaisyFace. It's hard and heartbreaking when you feel you can't trust your children. I'd like to offer you a different perspective on the matter, one I learned after going down the same road with my difficult child. He steals, and he lies. Constantly. I've learned over the years to: 1) Never EVER ask the question "Why did you...?" It's a mug's game. You won't get a straight answer. Often difficult children don't really know why they do this stuff, as it's tied in with impulsivity, poor executive function, bad deceision making, etc. Even if you DO get a straight answer, it doesn't help to remedy the situation, often gets everyone hot under the collar, and gets in the way of finding a solution. 2) Assume your kids are lying unless you can corroborate their story independently. This has done wonders for my sanity with difficult child. I have told him that I assume every word out of his mouth is a lie unless I have independent proof. It means that when he IS lying, I have already started down the road of consequences. And if he's not lying, I'm pleasantly surprised. I'm not constantly facing the disappointment of not being able to trust him. I DO trust him. I trust that he WILL lie 999 times out of 1000. As for difficult child feeling bad that I don't trust him, well, that's a natural consequence from all the years of lying. I may never get to the point where I believe what he has to say, or I may come around eventually, if he develops a track record of telling the truth over a long period of time. Regardless, he lost my trust, so he's the one who has to live with it. 3) Let consequences be as natural as possible. Rather than punishing, wherever possible, try to let your kids own the responsibility for repairing the damage caused by their lying. Replace stolen objects or confiscate their allowance or part-time job money to pay for things. Return stolen objects to their source, with an apology. Face the consequences of stealing, even if there are legal ones. It's the only way they can own their behaviour. Trinity [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Another Vent! (I know...I'm sorry)
Top