ants in the pants

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, May 4, 2008.

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  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    This is what I want to know or find out - what do you do with your difficult child that is currently at home and gets ants in his pants to go out and party - especially when he is supposed to go to work the next day! I wish I knew what he could fill his antsy time with when he gets home at 9:30 at night from work and wants to "chill". That is the hardest time.
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    If I'm reading this correctly, your son is home? In YOUR home? Uncle!
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hmmm...........just curious.........

    Susan, I noticed the icon you put with this thread. It's the smiley with sunglasses and a smirk on its face. It seems like such an inappropriate choice to accompany a sincere post...are you thumbing your nose at us?

  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Yes, MB. Her son is home. In HER home.

    Susan, why do you even ask? You KNOW first of all that everyone on this board told you NOT to let him home.

    And you did anyways.

    You know right now that everyone will tell you to throw him out.

    But you won't.

    By the way, what IS with the smiley face? It almost seems like you ARE thumbing your nose at us.
  5. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Susan, if your son was 3 or 4 it would be easy -put him to bed - but jeeze, the boy is 24 years old.

    Mine are 24 and 25 and I wouldn't even consider the idea of trying to keep them entertained so they don't go out and party with work the next day - its not my job anymore to try and control.

    At this age they ARE adults (even if one of mine doesn't act like it half the time) and they fully know the consequences of if you party hardy, you either feel like crap the next day at work, or if you don't go in, you could lose your job.

  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Kick him out and change the locks.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry. I just can't post much here. You know what we all will say. Why smirk at us when you know your actions are hurting your adult child?
  8. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Stands, you are asking your son to change his ways, but YOU won't change so I don't really know how you can expect him to....

    We really would like to help you here, but after repeatedly telling you what we feel has worked for some of us you don't/or aren't listening......

    Why should your son change or stop "partying"? He likes what he is doing and will have you to provide a home for him. He has no incentive to change!!!!
    He went to jail, but after he got to rehab he didn't like it there and whined until he got home....
    He has no incentive to change!!!!

    Now he is (I assume) awaiting trial and free to continue partying with a comfortable place to live.........
    He has no incentive to change!!!!!

    You are unhappy with his actions, you are supporting him and his party life......

    So when YOU have had enough of being trod on by him YOU will change how you react and then the choice to change is up to him.....

    I don't think many of us here are going to give you much different advice than we already have...... He needs to take responsibility for what he has done..... he's 24, when does his childhood end? If he had to worry about where he was going to live, or when he would get his next meal he might not be so antsy.....

    I know its not easy to detach, but I feel you just aren't listening to what we are trying to tell you..... I will stop now, but I think I will probably not post much anymore to you, since I don't percieve you as open to take my advice. I'm not mad or upset with you, I'm just thinking you are not ready to listen. I do hope you get there before your son does something that totally sends you over the edge...... Good luck with your difficult child and changing what you've done in the past that has NOT worked......
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Set an example. You change your behavior. It's your home. You decide what is and isn't allowed.

    The rest is up to him. You know that.

  10. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Here's an idea...since he's living at home again, how about the next time he gets antsy (by the way, that's really called "Jonesing", slang for Withdrawl) tell him he's free to go party, and that he should plan on living somewhere else. The old, "If you go out that door, don't bother coming back." If he does come back, then you pick up the phone and begin the process to revoke him.

    Seriously, do you think he'd rather finger-paint or do a cross-word puzzle? Do you really think that if YOU come up with an alternative activity to help him not be antsy, that's going to help one iota??

    What happened to your DHs resolve to get in touch with the probation/parole department?

  11. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I have to say, it sounds like you are talking about a 5 year old, for Pete's sake! Why in the world is it your job to find things for him to do and make sure he goes to bed at a decent time in order to get to work the next day? I am beyond belief that you have allowed him to come back home--I throw up my hands and give up! Also, please remember he is 24 years old--you do not seem to be able to realize he is not a child and not your responsibility anymore! I am frustrated!!!!
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Very good point, Pony.
  13. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Please, Susan, stop taking his life and choices upon your shoulders. It is not your job to make him happy. I know you think if you try just one more thing, he'll be okay. Unfortunately, you will learn that the more you try, the less he will. If he chooses to go out and use, he will face the consequences. If he doesn't go to work, he will face the consequences. Let go.....
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Is your son asking for help to NOT go out and party? I think he should get a sponsor and go to AA meetings instead.

    If he's done with work and say's "Mom I need to find something to do so I WON'T go out." that is one thing - and I would applaud him for his efforts for communicating that fear to you and trying to stay clean and sober.

    HOWEVER - if he's been giving this last chance at the hands of husband, and is drinking, and using, despite the fact that he is working - he's breaking rules and there has to be a consqeuence. Since husband got him out - husband can take him back.

    I learned I was an enabler to my drug abuser x at an CA meeting. I went to AA, NA, CA and Alanon. Listening to the people who had used and drank but stopped, and how they had no idea what they were doing to their families at the time helped me understand and get ideas on how to deal with my x and what it would take for him to stop using.

    It also helped me with defining the difference between help and enabling. After a few meetings I spoke and every single alcoholic or drug addict who had stopped told me to my face I was actually HELPING him to use and drink. I thought I was helping him by standing by him. Not the case. By accepting him and his bad habits in our home I was giving him permission to abuse drugs, drink and abuse me and the baby. Until I went to these meetings I didn't understand thats what was going on. All I knew is that everyone around me seemed to be able to point, or talk behind my back or name call and I didn't feel they understood that I was TRYING to show this man I loved him by suffering through life with him and his behaviors. I really felt that one day he would stop, come to his senses and we'd have a relationship. Twelve years later I can tell you I'm glad I did not hold my breath.

    Ultimately my choice was me leaving and taking our son and never seeing him again. If he were going to change - that should have done it, that should have been any man's rock bottom - loosing a wife and a son, your home- but it didn't. I gave myself a goal date of 1 year before I filed for divorce. In that time - had he wanted to: He could have gotten into rehab, gone to anger management classes, gotten a job, sent $5.00 a week to help out with Dude and I probably would have found a way to make it work. After a year? I got on with my life, got divorced and continued counseling. After 12 years? I'm happy. I have a child who isn't drug or alcohol addicted and alive, not by any means perfect, but here. I have my sanity (mostly), I have a home, a job - and no drug/booze related stress.

    And for him 12 years later? At 54 he's like he was 12 years ago. NO change. He drinks, beats up on women, abuses drugs to the point of brain damage, has no home, no job, and no real friends. He has few people left that care, but no one who wants to help him. He can't be helped until he helps himself. He doesn't want to help himself - he wants to wallow in self pity, and get high. I've heard the stories over the years that he could change if he wanted to, and at some age I'm sure that was true. At 54 his habits are pretty engrained and his behavior patterns are set. And as I typed this I thought - at what age does any drug addict go from I can change to there's not a lot of hope short of a miracle?

    I'm sorry for his life - but I'm glad I got out and gave the people around me that loved me and that I loved a chance to be together. With him in the picture nothing was happy.

    I think it's the collective wish of your friends here on the board that you find something that makes you understand and helps you find the courage to do what is best for your son.

    Stands - I'm out of words, but I'm never out of hugs -

  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks all. Actually I did not bring him back home - husband did at the last result. We will see how it goes. He called the bondsman the other day and had himi all ready to pick him up at work - it can happen - I am just hanging on -
  16. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Actually I pressed the wrong smiley face button. I didnt know I pressed the smirkey one. Sorry.
  17. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Ok and I guess I will just not post much anymore. I am sorry for the craziness of it all. I know everyone is frustrated - I am too. I will go to Alanon tonight and maybe something will shine from above of me. I hope so. Hasta Luego.......
  18. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    You obviously are not frustrated enough, because if you were, you'd toss him out instead of asking us what to do to keep him occupied in his off time. That is just ridiculous. At the age of 24, he should have that figured out by now.

    Instead of not posting, why don't you do what we suggest?
  19. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Perhaps you should print this thread out and bring it to your Al-Anon meeting.

    Technically, jail is the last resort. Your home is his first first choice and his first resort. I mean, that was what he was asking for from the first day he went to jail, right?

    Did your husband intend to have any rules as to his living in your home? If so, where does skipping out on work fit into those rules? What about when he was in rehab and went to the ER for Xanax. How much did he get? Did you make rules about partying? Drug seeking (including prescription sedatives)? Checking in with his PO? Drug testing? Any rules?

    Honestly, if he is jonesing for a party after work, he should occupy his time at an AA meeting. Are you guys requiring him to attend?
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911


    HI - hope you found a good meeting tonight. I was glad to see you took my advice. Hard as it is - Sometimes we have to let go to save them. And sometimes we have to trust that our friends may know a thing or two about what we're struggling with.

    I thought about this post a lot today. I thought about you today and I know husband was the one who bailed him out. I know that was done against your wishes. When you said that? I knew you were moving forward with detaching. I was really happy for you. When you posted this post? I thought ut oh, things are probably not going well, but...while we hoped they would - it appears things have deteriorated more rapidly than expected.

    It's not surprising - most addicts will try and fail numerous times before they get serious, if they ever get serious about quitting. In the mean time we as parents should learn how to deatch. You were doing so well and then husband went and bailed him out and I get all the last chance stuff - I really do - and he had to do what he could live with. But now he knows. Do you think he's fed up with the drama already? Until he is I fear things will remain the same. Sadly that's not good for anyone.

    All of the kids who are attached to parents here can be frustrating to all of us. Mostly because we care. And a lot of it is because when we're asked for advice and we give it - we more than hope someone asking will take notice. That's ALL of us - even when you give a response to a post don't you hope whoever asked for the help - takes your advice? I think that's what the tone this post was trying to get across. No one wants you to leave - no one should ever feel in this family that they are not welcome. In this group (laughing in my head) I would imagine if someone didn't want you -the writing would be on the wall like the Ammityville Horror movie. wait what was the movie where the thing wrote get out on the wall? Anyway moving right along.

    I also think at one time or another all parents here have felt like they were being harshly judged. I know sometimes when I've posted to someone my words may have come off as really cutting edge, and it's not what I meant. Or I'll post something about my kid and how I handled that particular situation and someone will say the words that I NEEDED to hear, and not the ones that I WANTED. That to me is friendship in a community like ours where we all have troubled kids - sometimes being blunt is necessary to get a point across or if someone is passionate about the cause someones words may come across heavy handed. ANd then there are those like me who try to temper patience with humor. Occasionally I've been known to do something funny. I know - it's rare. But I do have a funny side. :laugh:

    I try to think before I post, and sometimes I have to come back to a certain post when my words are in order in my head. It has never been my intention to post to you or anyone in a manner that isn't helpful. I figure if I have nothing helpful to say or if another poster has said what I thought? I may just not post or will post the words hugs or sending good vibes.

    I wish I could tell you that your situation with your son is unique. Sadly it's not. What is unique about your situation is that you found this group. And over the years I have found everone here to be either helpful or caring, or genuine. I don't believe it was anyone's intention to make you feel unwanted.
    I do believe that as a sister type group all words and advice asked for have been similar with regards to your son BECAUSE.....the people posting responses to you - have been where you are, have hurt so badly they would never wish what you are going through on anyone.

    If you posted about a particular problem and then got 10 responses that gave you BAD advice? I could see not coming back to the group. Or if you posted the same problems asking for help over and over and never changed? I could see where no amount of advice would help - eventually with posters like that? people stop responding because everyone would like to believe when asked for their advice or wisdom - their words were understood and helped someone. To continually give good advice and be ignored is hurtful.

    And then there is the worry factor. We worry about our kids, our families our friends and our community posters here - and when we see someone and believe maybe you're slipping back to the dark side? Well I'm no Jedi master - but you need to stay where the force is with you. That would be here, learning how to detach and move forward. Not falling back into old habits of allowing your son to manipulate you and husband.

    And don't you think for ONE minute that anyone thinks that putting your son BACK in jail is easy on you. NO maam. I know better. I know the disappointment and I know the bitter heart break and this time I know you have to look at husband and say "You know what? We gave him another chance - a last chance and look what he did with the opportunity! He threw it in your face - really he did. And no amount of I'm sorry is going to make YOU feel better. THAT is why detaching is so crucial to learn. Tough love doesn't necessarily save the kid or teach him anything - Tough love is what we do FOR our children to ourselves in an process of learning to let go, hoping for the best, and preparing for the worst by getting on with our lives.

    No doubt about it - our children have issues. But not allowing them to destroy what we have left of our lives, our spousal relationships, our home, our sanity, our other children? When we tolerate those bad behaviors over and over in our home what we're really saying to our children is "I'm not worth being treated well and I'm not in control-walk on me." and if we constantly allow them that liberty ? We really shouldn't be shocked when they continue to treat us in an inappropriate manner. I don't think it ever means we stop loving them when we put them out. I do think it sends a message that certain behaviors are not allowed - makes all the difference in our beginning down the path of healing and gaining our childrens respect.

    People in this world may not respect themselves, but I do respect myself and there are just certain things that I will not allow to occur around me, near me, or because of me. -I'm sorry for my own sons situation, but I refuse to feel sorry for him. He has a choice - he can chance his stars. The same goes for your son. I hope you find your peace, who knows maybe when you do - it will free up some time to make well-thought-out, patient-filled, and meaningful prayers.

    You're in my thoughts
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