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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 669096" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Lil and Jabber, it helped me, <em>and my kids</em>, to believe they would come through it well, and to portray that to them in my words and tone. The toughest battle there was with myself. I had to work very hard to change the way I thought about my kids, and about myself as a mother, and about what a good mother was, to do that. It felt like I was lying, to say "Oh, no! I'm sorry that happened. What do you think you are going to do?"</p><p></p><p>Or words to that effect.</p><p></p><p>I had to say, any number of times, that the child's long term interests would not be served by coming home, or by money from me. I said things like: "You are not a beggar. You will come through this. I am sorry that happened to you. I love you. Take it one step at a time. This will all work out."</p><p></p><p>I had decided ahead of time that was the attitude that would finally help us all out of the circle of enabling. And it seems to have worked. And the kids are stepping into a kind of certainty about how they will come through whatever it is that doesn't involve justifying themselves to me as much as it does figuring out, not only how to not put themselves in that situation ever again, but to create security in their lives.</p><p></p><p>For today, that is true.</p><p></p><p>That is the crucial thing that had to happen. The kids had to make their priority how to manage their lives, and not how to be in a terrible enough situation that I would rescue them. Back in the old days, that seemed to be the thing that was most important to them: How to justify their positions to me so I would come through with money and a house and cars and licenses and so on.</p><p></p><p>I don't get to be a hero anymore.</p><p></p><p>It has been very hard to let go of that. I don't know how the normal ways we help our children get a foothold in the world turned into the ugliness of enabling, but for our family, that is what happened.</p><p></p><p>I have to say (and it just about killed me the first few times I said it): "I don't know. I'm sorry honey, but I don't know what I would do if that happened to me, either. I do know you; I know you will come through this because you are smart and strong and you will figure it out. Everything is going to be fine."</p><p></p><p>I read somewhere that if a mom says (or a dad) that everything is going to be fine, that helps the kids to believe they can.</p><p></p><p>So, I said that.</p><p></p><p>The only other thing I could have said was: "Here is money." Or, "Come home."</p><p></p><p>It was really, really hard not to say those words. It felt really bad to know their situations and not say those words.</p><p></p><p>But that hadn't worked for any of us in the past.</p><p></p><p>It helped my kids for me to do that, Lil and Jabber.</p><p></p><p>It was really scary, and everyone felt like I was betraying them and was an awful mom or grandmother. I felt pretty rotten too, but I did it, anyway.</p><p>I still sent birthday cards and so on, but they hated that. To them, it seemed like a drop in the ocean when I could have done so much more.</p><p></p><p>But I did it that way, anyway.</p><p></p><p>I just kept loving them, and doing the best that I knew, even if they seemed to hate me.</p><p></p><p>Which they did seem to, for awhile there.</p><p></p><p>It was very hard.</p><p></p><p>In meeting the challenges they create for themselves, the kids mature into adults who believe in themselves. If we believe they can do whatever it is, then it seems like they do find a way.</p><p></p><p>You have one another, Lil and Jabber. That matters; you will be able to get one another through it. </p><p></p><p>This is really hard stuff.</p><p></p><p>There is no right or wrong way to do it.</p><p></p><p>We helped both our kids well into their thirties.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 669096, member: 17461"] Lil and Jabber, it helped me, [I]and my kids[/I], to believe they would come through it well, and to portray that to them in my words and tone. The toughest battle there was with myself. I had to work very hard to change the way I thought about my kids, and about myself as a mother, and about what a good mother was, to do that. It felt like I was lying, to say "Oh, no! I'm sorry that happened. What do you think you are going to do?" Or words to that effect. I had to say, any number of times, that the child's long term interests would not be served by coming home, or by money from me. I said things like: "You are not a beggar. You will come through this. I am sorry that happened to you. I love you. Take it one step at a time. This will all work out." I had decided ahead of time that was the attitude that would finally help us all out of the circle of enabling. And it seems to have worked. And the kids are stepping into a kind of certainty about how they will come through whatever it is that doesn't involve justifying themselves to me as much as it does figuring out, not only how to not put themselves in that situation ever again, but to create security in their lives. For today, that is true. That is the crucial thing that had to happen. The kids had to make their priority how to manage their lives, and not how to be in a terrible enough situation that I would rescue them. Back in the old days, that seemed to be the thing that was most important to them: How to justify their positions to me so I would come through with money and a house and cars and licenses and so on. I don't get to be a hero anymore. It has been very hard to let go of that. I don't know how the normal ways we help our children get a foothold in the world turned into the ugliness of enabling, but for our family, that is what happened. I have to say (and it just about killed me the first few times I said it): "I don't know. I'm sorry honey, but I don't know what I would do if that happened to me, either. I do know you; I know you will come through this because you are smart and strong and you will figure it out. Everything is going to be fine." I read somewhere that if a mom says (or a dad) that everything is going to be fine, that helps the kids to believe they can. So, I said that. The only other thing I could have said was: "Here is money." Or, "Come home." It was really, really hard not to say those words. It felt really bad to know their situations and not say those words. But that hadn't worked for any of us in the past. It helped my kids for me to do that, Lil and Jabber. It was really scary, and everyone felt like I was betraying them and was an awful mom or grandmother. I felt pretty rotten too, but I did it, anyway. I still sent birthday cards and so on, but they hated that. To them, it seemed like a drop in the ocean when I could have done so much more. But I did it that way, anyway. I just kept loving them, and doing the best that I knew, even if they seemed to hate me. Which they did seem to, for awhile there. It was very hard. In meeting the challenges they create for themselves, the kids mature into adults who believe in themselves. If we believe they can do whatever it is, then it seems like they do find a way. You have one another, Lil and Jabber. That matters; you will be able to get one another through it. This is really hard stuff. There is no right or wrong way to do it. We helped both our kids well into their thirties. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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