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<blockquote data-quote="neednewtechnique" data-source="post: 40690" data-attributes="member: 3527"><p>I think maybe I should explain a little better, because I am afraid I have left a few people with the misconception that we just stepped out of the way without offering much of anything for her to lean on. And that is not the case. We are lucky in that, in our town, the Jr High and High school are in the same building. And although they don't spend much time interacting, somehow our difficult child ended up in a mostly high school student study hall even though she is only in 7th grade. Since she had an IEP that came back that she was ineligible for Special Education services, we have not had the ability to fall back on them for support...but at the advice of our therapist and psychiatrist, when we chose to try this method, we did contact the school and made other arrangements. She has an open pass during study hall for all of her core classes stating that if she has a question on a homework assignment that we are not able to resolve at home in 10 minutes or less, she is to take the beginning of her study hall and go to that teacher for help. We seem to be having good luck with the fact that she doesn't lash out at her teachers, and she does really well holding herself together at school, so she IS focusing better there and that is usually the best way to help her. Also, we found a Senior in her study hall that has volunteered to work with her on her other homework durning study hall on a daily basis so most nights she doesn't even have to bring it home. At first we were concerned that if we tried to step out of it and let her be responsible, that she would just not use the free pass or the free mentoring being offered to her, and we were prepared for her to just give up, but we were pleasantly surprised when she didn't. As for what we would do if she just decided not to do it....that is another matter all together. Technically, if you follow Dr. Greene's advice in "The Explosive Child", while going to school everyday falls under a Basket A issue, homework is supposed to be Basket C...if you go by that, we are technically NOT supposed to impose other consequences...however, the weekly "meetings" we have with our daughter once we review her progress reports would be a good time to discuss additional consequences if we felt the need to have any. (whether you do or not has to be a decision that you as the parents make) This is a good time to discuss that because the meeting is planned, scheduled and she has had time to prepare herself for it. She has a daily planner and a calendar, and I have written our little discussions on both the calendar and in her planner, so she sees it on a regular basis and always knows when it will be happening. I have found that if they are not taken by complete surprise, and have had time to prepare themselves, they will always take these things better. Knowing the meeting is coming up, she will be able to prepare for what to expect, based on what she has and has not done that week in school. </p><p></p><p>Granted, we have made a few rules that we insist she follow regarding nights that she does happen to bring home work...we ask her to hand over her cell phone (if she will not give us the phone, we will "compromise" by letting her keep ahold of it as long as it is turned off) and she is not allowed to take any calls, watch TV, or get online until homework is complete. If she has assignments that require the use of the computer, she is allowed on, but she is not allowed to sign in to messenger or check her mail until all work is done. (this kind of serves as an added consequence, because if she chooses not to do her homework, then she will not be able to take calls, watch TV, or get online that evening at all.)</p><p></p><p>Also, in regards to your comment about how your son seems to forget the arrangement before all is said and done, we have found it helpful on some occasions, for our difficult child AND for us, to have these things written down and put up someplace that our difficult child is sure to see it on a regular basis as a reminder. For example, we have a list posted of the "Basket A" issues so that not only does our difficult child clearly know what issues we are NOT negotiating on, and also so that we can remind ourselves if we start to push and issue, to check the chart and see if it is really worth the meltdown. We tried to post a general list of the routine basket B and C issues as well, but those are very basic and limited to only the issues we deal with on a regular basis, as there is always new things popping up that we have to make the decision where to put it in perspective. </p><p></p><p>The biggest thing, overall, is before you step out of the situation, not only do you have to be prepared for the worst, but also hope for the best and make arrangements for them to have an opportunity to get help from a "neutral" party. You don't want to just throw them in the lake with no life jacket, tell them to swim, and walk away. It is more like gently lowering them into the water WITH a life jacket, telling them to swim, taking a few steps back but still being available to help if they start to drown......if that makes any sense, maybe that's a bad analogy, but it sounded so intellectual and profound...... lol</p><p></p><p>Homework is one of those things that strikes us close to home, so I am very interested in helping you any way I can. And if anything new comes up that you try and it works, please share, because I am sure that we are not through it all yet. Like I said, it seems to be working so well that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Luckily with only three weeks worth of school left, if things are already bad, how much damage could he do in three weeks? This is a good chance to try it out without suffering the consequence of STARTING OFF the school year with this method and hoping that it turns out okay. </p><p>The way we try to rationalize things is, if they are at the bottom already, the only place they can go is up..... :smile: Our difficult child seems to be okay with doing the same old thing she has always done and failing at it, but she has a huge fear of trying something new and failing at it. I think that is why a lot of these things work so well for our difficult child's in general. By the time they get to a place that it is so bad, they KNOW that it can't get any worse, so they can either stay the same as they are, or get better, but if it can't get any worse, there is NO possibility of failure. I don't know why that makes sense to them, but that seems to be the way it is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="neednewtechnique, post: 40690, member: 3527"] I think maybe I should explain a little better, because I am afraid I have left a few people with the misconception that we just stepped out of the way without offering much of anything for her to lean on. And that is not the case. We are lucky in that, in our town, the Jr High and High school are in the same building. And although they don't spend much time interacting, somehow our difficult child ended up in a mostly high school student study hall even though she is only in 7th grade. Since she had an IEP that came back that she was ineligible for Special Education services, we have not had the ability to fall back on them for support...but at the advice of our therapist and psychiatrist, when we chose to try this method, we did contact the school and made other arrangements. She has an open pass during study hall for all of her core classes stating that if she has a question on a homework assignment that we are not able to resolve at home in 10 minutes or less, she is to take the beginning of her study hall and go to that teacher for help. We seem to be having good luck with the fact that she doesn't lash out at her teachers, and she does really well holding herself together at school, so she IS focusing better there and that is usually the best way to help her. Also, we found a Senior in her study hall that has volunteered to work with her on her other homework durning study hall on a daily basis so most nights she doesn't even have to bring it home. At first we were concerned that if we tried to step out of it and let her be responsible, that she would just not use the free pass or the free mentoring being offered to her, and we were prepared for her to just give up, but we were pleasantly surprised when she didn't. As for what we would do if she just decided not to do it....that is another matter all together. Technically, if you follow Dr. Greene's advice in "The Explosive Child", while going to school everyday falls under a Basket A issue, homework is supposed to be Basket C...if you go by that, we are technically NOT supposed to impose other consequences...however, the weekly "meetings" we have with our daughter once we review her progress reports would be a good time to discuss additional consequences if we felt the need to have any. (whether you do or not has to be a decision that you as the parents make) This is a good time to discuss that because the meeting is planned, scheduled and she has had time to prepare herself for it. She has a daily planner and a calendar, and I have written our little discussions on both the calendar and in her planner, so she sees it on a regular basis and always knows when it will be happening. I have found that if they are not taken by complete surprise, and have had time to prepare themselves, they will always take these things better. Knowing the meeting is coming up, she will be able to prepare for what to expect, based on what she has and has not done that week in school. Granted, we have made a few rules that we insist she follow regarding nights that she does happen to bring home work...we ask her to hand over her cell phone (if she will not give us the phone, we will "compromise" by letting her keep ahold of it as long as it is turned off) and she is not allowed to take any calls, watch TV, or get online until homework is complete. If she has assignments that require the use of the computer, she is allowed on, but she is not allowed to sign in to messenger or check her mail until all work is done. (this kind of serves as an added consequence, because if she chooses not to do her homework, then she will not be able to take calls, watch TV, or get online that evening at all.) Also, in regards to your comment about how your son seems to forget the arrangement before all is said and done, we have found it helpful on some occasions, for our difficult child AND for us, to have these things written down and put up someplace that our difficult child is sure to see it on a regular basis as a reminder. For example, we have a list posted of the "Basket A" issues so that not only does our difficult child clearly know what issues we are NOT negotiating on, and also so that we can remind ourselves if we start to push and issue, to check the chart and see if it is really worth the meltdown. We tried to post a general list of the routine basket B and C issues as well, but those are very basic and limited to only the issues we deal with on a regular basis, as there is always new things popping up that we have to make the decision where to put it in perspective. The biggest thing, overall, is before you step out of the situation, not only do you have to be prepared for the worst, but also hope for the best and make arrangements for them to have an opportunity to get help from a "neutral" party. You don't want to just throw them in the lake with no life jacket, tell them to swim, and walk away. It is more like gently lowering them into the water WITH a life jacket, telling them to swim, taking a few steps back but still being available to help if they start to drown......if that makes any sense, maybe that's a bad analogy, but it sounded so intellectual and profound...... lol Homework is one of those things that strikes us close to home, so I am very interested in helping you any way I can. And if anything new comes up that you try and it works, please share, because I am sure that we are not through it all yet. Like I said, it seems to be working so well that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Luckily with only three weeks worth of school left, if things are already bad, how much damage could he do in three weeks? This is a good chance to try it out without suffering the consequence of STARTING OFF the school year with this method and hoping that it turns out okay. The way we try to rationalize things is, if they are at the bottom already, the only place they can go is up..... [img]:smile:[/img] Our difficult child seems to be okay with doing the same old thing she has always done and failing at it, but she has a huge fear of trying something new and failing at it. I think that is why a lot of these things work so well for our difficult child's in general. By the time they get to a place that it is so bad, they KNOW that it can't get any worse, so they can either stay the same as they are, or get better, but if it can't get any worse, there is NO possibility of failure. I don't know why that makes sense to them, but that seems to be the way it is. [/QUOTE]
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